Worth the Risk

by Shannon Davis

  “There was a seagull. Whether you saw him or not.”

  Jackson didn’t say anything, but his smile widened, and he walked the remaining steps down the bank until he had closed the distance between us. My breathing quickened, and my jaw clenched. But I forced myself to maintain eye contact. I was teetering between feeling excited to see him and highly irritated by his presence.

  “What? You think I’m crazy?” I didn’t give him a chance to respond. With the way he was grinning, I didn’t want him to respond. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

  He didn’t answer. Instead, he tossed his shoes behind him, hooked his thumbs in the pockets of his shorts, and locked eyes with me again.

  Despite the soothing sounds of the ocean, I wasn’t so calm anymore. In fact, I was quite bothered. My legs began to sting where I shaved, and even though I was no longer wrestling with the current, they seemed to have forgotten how to support me. It felt like they were about to buckle, so I dug my heels into the sand and locked my knees. My hair was completely out of control and covered my face like a cobweb. I reached up to brush it away, but the loose strands darted in all directions, aggravating me as much as Jackson’s presence. Finally, I managed to pull the hair away from my eyes and mouth, then cleared my throat and tried my best to speak firmly.

  “I asked you, why are you here?”

  His grin slowly faded into a seductive smile. His eyes widened, darkened so much that I was consumed in their depths. We were standing less than a foot apart. I could smell him, sense the heat off his body. My mouth went dry. I longed to touch him. Feel him again. Taste him.

  “You still get defensive when you’re nervous.” He smiled.

  “I’m not nervous. Or defensive,” I snapped, knowing good and well I was.

  He chuckled. “Thank you for illustrating my point.”

  Without breaking our gaze, he moved closer still, slowly spread his feet apart and dug his heels into the wet sand. He tilted his head toward me so that our eyes were level. Face-to-face, inches apart, we stared into each other’s eyes. I couldn’t say whether it was a small forever or only a few seconds we stayed that way, but time seemed to stand still. For however long, it was enough for us to see each other again. Enough for our souls to reconnect. Enough to convey all the pain and anger, guilt and regret, longing and emptiness each had felt for the last ten years.

  He rested his hands on my shoulders and leaned in closer. His hands felt warm. His touch, gentle. “I want to talk.”

  “Talk?” My voice was barely above a whisper. “I thought you wanted me to go home.”

  He pressed his lips together in a frown, then sighed heavily and shook his head. “I was being a dick, Rebecca, and I’m sorry.”

  “You said you didn’t want to see me.”

  “I didn’t want to see you because I didn’t want to lose my mind over you again, just to have you walk back out of my life.” He reached for my hand, allowing my loose hair to blow freely over my face again. “But it’s too late for that now. Since last night, I haven’t stopped thinking about you.” He brought my hand to his mouth and gently kissed my fingertips. “All I want is you. And I’ll be damned if I let you get away this time.”

  The longer we gazed at each other, the more I believed him. The more he kissed my fingertips, the further I felt myself falling for him all over again. He kissed down my fingers to my palm. His lips were soft, full, and moist, and I yearned for them to kiss me all over.

  He held my hand against his chest. “Feel that? That’s what you do to me.” His heart pounded wildly, echoing my own.

  There was so much I wanted to say, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. My voice had abandoned me once again. My mind was goo. Strands of hair whipped across my face, sticking to my salty lips and tangling in my eyelashes. Jackson gently guided it away and tucked it behind my ear. Without thinking, I licked the tickle off my lips. His eyes darted down to my mouth. He reached up and cradled my face between his hands. His touch was sensual and torturous at the same time. I couldn’t deny the seductive power he had over me. My fears were quickly fleeing, and I was eager to risk everything for love.

  “Rebecca…” He wet his lips with his tongue and exhaled his warm breath on my neck. The hairs on my arms stood on their ends. He paused a moment, his brows knit in anguish. “When I saw you last night, I was out of my head with rage. I know that’s no excuse to speak to you the way I did. But the heartache…” He swallowed. “The bitterness, it had festered to a point…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “And you looked so good, so beautiful. I wanted to kiss you so damn bad. I didn’t care if I offended you. I had to taste your sweet lips.”

  Dear God, I thought, has he been just as miserable as I’ve been? I swallowed hard and tried my best to listen, to comprehend the words he was saying to me, but my mind was in a fog.

  “Truth is, I was hoping to hell I did offend you. For some sick reason in my messed up head, I wanted you to feel the pain I’ve been tortured by for the past ten years. Every day, every damn day, I’ve thought about you. And not a night’s gone by where I haven’t dreamed about you. Sometimes we’re under our oak tree and I’m holding you. And we’re happy like we used to be. Then other times, the dreams are nightmares, and I wake in a cold sweat. It’s been hell living this way. I’ve cursed God for the nightmares, for letting you leave. I’ve prayed He would wipe you from my memory completely, just so I wouldn’t feel the pain anymore. But then I curse myself because that’s all I have are memories. Your smile, your laugh, your touch... If I lost that, I’d be losing the best part of my life. I knew you were in town. But you hadn’t come back for me. That’s what infuriated me. Knowing you’d come back, but I wasn’t the reason. Knowing you were so close, but yet so far away.”

  My mouth trembled. “How did you know I was back?”

  “Andrew couldn’t wait to tell me. Not even two minutes after I’d hung up, I saw your headlights coming down the driveway.”

  “But you didn’t know it was me.”

  “No. But I was hoping.”

  “You were?”

  “At first. Then I didn’t want to see you. And then I did. And then I got so mixed up in my head, I didn’t know what I wanted. There simply wasn’t enough time for me to process my thoughts. But when I saw you on the porch, all that confusion disappeared. Looking at you, I knew exactly what I wanted. It’s what I’ve always wanted. For a second, I thought you were a vision, that my mind was playing tricks on me. Then when I realized it was really you, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, about to jump. My heart was beating out of my chest. I was ready to take the plunge, and I couldn’t die without knowing what it was like to kiss you. I had to feel your lips, taste your mouth. I had to seize the opportunity in case I never got another chance. The risk of getting slapped or cussed out or kneed in the crotch was worth it. Just as long as I could have those few moments in heaven.”

  My eyes were filled with tears. “You had to take that risk… in case you never got another chance?” I whispered.

  “And I’d risk it again in a heartbeat.”

  I slid my hand up and touched his cheek. His thin beard was smooth and silky. He closed his eyes and turned his face into my palm, nuzzling against it. Then he placed gentle kisses on the inside of my palm, my wrist, and down my arm. When he lifted his head, his eyes were glassy too. I carelessly tossed my sandals on the beach near his shoes and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face against in his skin. The crinkly hair on his legs rubbed against my thighs, as our bodies touched all the way down to our knees. He pulled my hips in closer and lowered his head to kiss me on the shoulder. His kisses traveled across my collarbone and up the side of my neck. Soft, light kisses that made my temperature rise. Unable to resist, I leaned farther into him and lifted my chin, surrendering to his affection. His lips passed across my ear and back again. Then he opened his mouth and breathed my name, “Rebecca… I’ve missed you.”

  His warm breath sent chills
through my body. He kissed around the curve of my ear, arousing every cell in my body. I lazily lifted my head to look into his eyes. They were dark, intense, hungry. He slid his hand up between my shoulder blades, drawing me closer. So close, I felt his chest press against my breasts. I trembled in his embrace. He angled his face so his mouth fit perfectly over mine and lingered there. He glanced down at my lips and exhaled. The thrill of our closeness caused my stomach to quiver and my heart to race. With the tip of his nose, he leisurely traced the features of my face. His soft mustache brushed over my skin as he deposited feathery kisses along each cheek and at the corners of my mouth. Each time his lips touched me, I felt jolts of electricity run through my body.

  Slowly he raised his head, and we stood, gazing into each other’s eyes. “I wanted to do this right, Rebecca. I wanted our first kiss to be perfect.”

  I looked at him with all the love I had in my heart, hoping he could see it, feel it. “It was, Jackson. And so is this one.”

  An encouraged grin spread across his face, and I felt his muscles relax. When our lips finally touched, I closed my eyes and melted in his arms. Slowly and ever so softly, Jackson kissed me. It was warm and sweet and tender. Lost in the moment, I relished every touch, every feeling, all he was doing. He licked my lips with unhurried, delicate strokes. I felt myself gasp with arousal. He gently parted my lips with his tongue and then slowly slipped inside my mouth. When the tip of his tongue touched mine, I whimpered and leaned into his kiss. Pleasure flooded my body as we kissed deeper. A fire began to grow inside me with each stroke, each circle of his tongue. I found myself holding back the moans that lingered in my throat. As if he knew, Jackson slid his hand down my neck and stroked it with his thumb. Then he reached behind my head and worked my ponytail until the elastic tie came loose. As my hair tumbled down, he burrowed his fingers deep, massaging my scalp. His other hand roamed down my body and around to my backside. He squeezed and caressed my curves as his tongue explored my mouth with meticulous care and sensitivity. Lustily, I tilted my hips forward against him and held him tighter, feeling his need growing between us. He drew me against his manhood and kissed me deeply, passionately, ridding me of the emptiness I’d lived with for so long. My body throbbed with desire. I couldn’t imagine wanting anything more than what was happening now.

  “Hey! Get a room!” someone shouted. Then cat calls followed.

  We cut our eyes toward the hecklers, pissed that our kiss was interrupted. The two surfers were coming out of the ocean, carrying their boards.

  “Assholes,” Jackson mumbled as they passed by snickering.

  Thankfully, the darkness hid the red glow of my face. “How embarrassing,” I whispered.

  “Are you kidding me? They’re what, fifteen?”

  “Still… They saw us.”

  “So what.” Jackson’s eyes twinkled. “They probably wish they could trade places with me.”

  I laughed. “Gross. They’re fifteen.” I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned my cheek against his chest.

  “Which is why they wanna trade places. They have sex on the brain.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “That’s pretty much been confirmed. But I’m right.”

  “Oh, hush it.” I poked him in the ribs. “That’s not even funny.”

  He rested his chin on my head and squeezed me, then brushed my hair back away from my face and kissed me on the forehead. “Stay with me tonight,” he whispered.

  I was quiet for several moments, debating the request. I took a deep breath and finally answered, “I can’t.”

  “Why the hell not?”

  I looked at him with a tinge of guilt. “It wouldn’t be right. You know that.”

  “Then come back home with me for a while. We’ll get in the hot tub.” He wiggled his eyebrows.

  “You have a hot tub?”

  “It’s very relaxing. You should come try it out.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t have a bathing suit.”

  Jackson grinned, and I noticed a hint of naughtiness in his eye. “Lucky for you, suits are optional.”

  “Ha! I’m not letting you see me naked, Jackson.” I chuckled. “You can forget it.”

  “Well, why the hell not?”

  I didn’t give him an answer, except for a short giggle. I was too caught up in the moment.

  Staring out across the ocean, I noticed the sky had changed colors again. It was now shades of indigo and plum. The moon sat resting above a few strands of blue-gray clouds, with its light glistening across the water. What a perfect night, I thought. Standing in Jackson’s arms, I felt content. Everything seemed so natural, so easy between us. Just like when we were young. I hadn’t felt this way for the longest time. I’d only been pretending to be happy in New York, acting like everything was good and right in my life. But it wasn’t. Something very important had been missing all along. And that something was Jackson. I couldn’t help but wonder, with so much transpired, could it really work between us? Then I remembered, If anything’s worth having, it’s worth the effort. And it’s worth the risk.

  “Jackson?”

  “Yes?” His voice was breathy and erotic, yet sensitive and soothing.

  I swallowed, struggling to hold back emotions. “I realize… all this time… I’ve been so confused.”

  He nuzzled his cheek against my head. “Confused about what?”

  “About all that was going on inside my brain and in my heart. All my feelings…”

  His eyes twinkled. “What are your feelings telling you?”

  “That’s just it. I’ve been suppressing them for so long, blocking out the memories, instead of listening to my heart. I realize I’ve only been half alive. And I am ready––so ready––to live.” I found myself clinging to him, holding on as if I could never let go. My struggle wasn’t in finding the words, but in being honest with myself, facing the reality of my life, being open and vulnerable, saying the words out loud.

  He lifted my chin with his finger and stared into my eyes. “You don’t know how dead I’ve been inside without you, Rebecca.” His smile was tender and sweet. “I’m ready to live too.” Then he leaned down and softly kissed me on the cheek.

  I was quiet for several moments, letting his words sink in, feeling him hold me close, wondering what would come of us, and fighting to control the need that burned deep inside me. Then I took a deep breath of relief and let it out slowly before speaking.

  “You realize we have a lot of catching up to do, right?”

  “Of course I do.” His grin widened. “Why do you think I suggested you stay the night with me?”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jackson

  Friday, June 2, 2000 ~ The Ugly Truth

  I was as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. My heart hadn’t slowed down since our kiss on the beach. All the feelings had returned, but they were more intense now. More serious, more intentional. Damn, I hope she feels the same. With ten years and over a thousand miles between us, she may not think it’s even worth the effort. But I know we could make it work. Seeing her headlights in my rearview mirror, I prayed she’d at least be willing to give us a chance.

  I pulled my truck into the shop and got out just as she was pulling up. I walked over to her car as she shut off the engine. We were both smiling as she got out. I wondered if she was as anxious as I was.

  “You have a beautiful place, Jackson,” she said, closing the car door. “This is the second time I’ve seen it in the dark. I bet it’s even more beautiful in the daylight.”

  “We can arrange that.” I winked.

  She blushed.

  “There’s nothing like sitting on the back porch when the sun comes up.”

  “Mmmm.” She moaned and inhaled deeply. “I imagine it’s incredibly peaceful. Breathing in the fresh morning air. Listening to the birds. Enjoying a cup of coffee.”

  “I’d be a fool to try to describe it.” Looking into her eyes, I thought the same thing about her beaut
y. “You’ll have to experience it for yourself. The first morning’s sunlight is magnificent over the pond.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “You have a pond?”

  I couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped my throat. “Yes. It’s in the back. With the hot tub.” I wiggled my eyebrows at her again and took her by the hand. “Come on. I’ll show you.” I led her across the yard and around the house to the back porch.

  “Jackson...” She cocked her head and sighed as if to convey she remained resolute about her decision. “I already told you. I am not getting in that hot tub. We agreed we’d just talk. That’s it. No hanky-panky and no hot tub.”

  “Which would most certainly lead to hanky-panky, right?” She’s a feisty little thing, and it’s driving me crazy.

  As we rounded the house, Rebecca stopped and looked around. “Wow. It’s amazing back here. I had no idea it was this big.”

  I cleared my throat and bit my lips to keep from laughing out loud. “Thanks,” I grinned and squeezed her hand.

  “Jackson!” She gasped, then punched me on the shoulder. “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

  “Sorry. It’s kind of hard when I’m this close to you.”

  She giggled and shook her head.

  “Uh-huh. Who’s got their mind in the gutter now?” We both laughed.

  Dear God. Her laugh, it was a drug to me. Even after all these years. No doubt, this night would be challenging. I’d have to give her full control. Otherwise, I’d surely be too forward. Breathe, Jackson, I told myself. Don’t blow it.

  We walked up the steps to the back porch, and I offered her a seat. “Would you like to sit in a rocker? Or would the love seat be more comfortable? There’s more room. And it’s cushioned.”

  “The rocker’s fine.” She smiled. “It’s safer.”

  I grinned, thinking she must be reading my mind.