Pioneer Yearning: The O’Rourke Family Montana Saga, Book Three

by Ramona Flightner

  “Will you always use her as an excuse when you run away from me?” he whispered.

  She stood near the doorway, shuddering and terrified, her hands pleating the fabric of her skirts. Although her mind ordered her to run, her feet remained rooted in place. “Maura is my daughter.”

  “Yes, and my niece. I love her with all my heart too, Niamh. But you and I both know she is well cared for at your parents’ house. She is cherished there.” He waited for her to say something else, but she swayed in place and stared at him in silent misery. “You don’t believe me,” he whispered, a note of incredulity in his voice. “After all the time we’ve spent together, still you doubt.”

  “Words are the cheapest commodity,” Niamh gasped out and then went ghost white as her eyes widened. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

  Cormac sat up at a glacially slow pace, his gaze on Niamh the entire time. He watched as she took a step closer to the door as his feet hit the floor. Rather than reach for her, as he desired, he placed his palms on his muscled thighs. “They may be, but they can be as powerful as any fist, Niamh.” He waited for her to meet his gaze. “When I promise you that I will never raise a hand against you in anger, I am speaking my truth. When I tell you that I will honor you until the day I die, that is a vow I make to myself as well as to you. When I swear my love for you, that is a truth written on my heart.”

  Tears trickled down her cheeks, as she gazed into the passionate sincerity of his gaze. “You didn’t want me,” she cried out. “I offered you me, and you said no!”

  Cormac lurched off the bed, and she shrieked, backing up until she hit the door. He held her gaze as he approached her slowly with the caution of a wild horse tamer. “Oh, love, you have it all muddled in your head again.” He paused a foot away from her. “Let me hold you and comfort you, so I can explain. Please, love.”

  She pushed forward, into his embrace, sobbing into his chest. “Why didn’t you want me?” she cried over and over.

  When she had finally calmed, Cormac eased her back to the bed, where he sat and tugged her, so she was cradled on his lap. “Feel better?” he murmured, as he kissed her forehead and rubbed circles on her back.

  “You’re treating me like Maura,” she grumbled.

  “Perhaps,” he whispered, a hint of laughter in his voice. He waited until she tilted her head and could meet his gaze. “How could you not feel how much I wanted you when we kissed?” He smiled when he saw a healthy blush rise on her cheeks. He ran a hand over her disheveled hair, cradling her head in his large palm. “I’ve wanted you from the moment I first saw you.”

  Her gaze was filled with doubt, confusion, and hope. “I don’t understand, Cormac.”

  He paused a moment, before lowering his head and kissing her softly. “When you come to my bed for us to make love together, I want it to be just the two of us.” He closed his eyes. “I know that might be impossible, but that is my hope.” His blue eyes blazed with fervent intensity as he looked at her again. “I want to know you want me. Not that you are trying to forget. Or battling your fears. Or proving something to yourself.”

  She froze in his arms, her eyes widening with horror the more he spoke. “Cormac,” she breathed with shame. “I’m sorry.”

  “Shh, my love. I didn’t say any of this to make you feel bad.” He took a deep breath. “I want you. I’ll want you forever. But I will wait until you are ready and until you want me the same way.”

  “Why are you so patient with me?” Her fingers played through his beard and then his hair.

  “I know you don’t believe me, but you’re worth it. One day, you’ll believe it too.”

  She shivered, huddling closer to him on his lap, no longer eager to return to the safety of her parents’ home. For now, all she wanted was to be in Cormac’s embrace.

  That evening, Niamh sat beside Cormac, as her mum and Maggie served supper. Nora and Dunmore had joined them, and the table was crowded again, reminiscent of the time in the summer before Declan, Eamon, and Finn had departed for Saint Louis. She watched Deirdre giving her and Cormac furtive looks, and she smiled encouragingly. However, Deirdre blushed and looked down, as though embarrassed and unwilling to celebrate Cormac sitting beside her.

  Niamh set her hand by her leg and reached out her fingers, stroking the side of Cormac’s hand. She relaxed as he moved his larger hand to cover hers and then to link their fingers. “Thank you for coming to dinner tonight,” she whispered into his ear.

  “Only a fool turns down a home-cooked meal,” he said, a teasing glint in his gaze. “Besides, your father said I had to be here for an announcement he has to make.”

  Niamh watched Cormac for a moment, noting that his glance never left Dunmore watching her sister, Maggie. “He’s protective,” she murmured.

  “That’s not all he is,” he said with a soft chuckle. “He’s smitten but knows there’s nothing to do about it yet.” He shook his head when Niamh tensed. “And there’s nothing for you to do either, Niamh. They’ll discover what they need to in time.”

  Niamh squeezed his hand. “I hope he understands it might be a few years. She just turned eighteen.”

  Whispering soft sounds meant to soothe her, he said, “Of course he does. He cares, Niamh. He won’t hurt her.” He paused. “Every time he goes to Virginia City, he tries to discover where Jacques is. To ensure he is far away from here.”

  Niamh’s gaze flew to behold Dunmore, now in earnest conversation with her da. “Oh, how wonderful.”

  “He’s a good man.” Cormac kissed her brow. “Trust me.” At the shaky exhalation of her breath, his gaze held hers, and it appeared he would recall his words. However, she raised a hand to brush over his cheek and smiled tremulously.

  “I will believe you. For I do trust you, Cormac.” She flushed at the deep flash of emotion in his gaze. She nodded to the head of the table. “My da’s watching us.”

  “That’s because he’s delighted to see us together and to see us finally happy,” Cormac said in a raspy voice, thick with emotion. He glanced in Seamus’s direction and then frowned. He leaned over to continue to whisper in his fiancée’s ear. “Why does Deirdre look at me with suspicion?”

  Niamh shrugged and shook her head. “I don’t know. She smiled and gave me a hug when I told her that we were to marry, after I spoke with Ardan, but she seemed reluctant to be truly happy for me.” She gazed deeply into Cormac’s beautiful blue eyes. “Do you think she fears I can never be happy?”

  “No, love,” he whispered, caressing her cheek. “Never that.”

  Seamus cleared his throat and knocked on the table, effectively silencing all conversations. He stared at everyone present with a proud gleam in his eye, while holding Mary’s hand. “’Tis my most wonderful honor, and with great joy, that I announce to the family that our beautiful Niamh is to marry Cormac in early December.”

  Pandemonium ensued after the announcement, with Maggie shrieking her joy and bouncing out of her chair to hug Niamh and Cormac. The younger boys enveloped them in hugs, while Aileen pulled Niamh close for a long moment, whispering, “I wish you the greatest joy, Niamh.” Kevin held Niamh close, breathing into her ear, “I promise I’ll keep you safe this time.”

  Niamh backed away from Kevin, brushing away a tear that coursed down her cheek. “You won’t have to, Kevin. Cormac will.” She squeezed her brother’s hand, as though to take away any sting from her words. “I don’t blame you.” She took in a deep breath. “That time is over, and soon we will have so much to celebrate.”

  Nora approached, and Niamh watched her with mild trepidation in her gaze. After a moment’s hesitation, Niamh opened her arms to pull her into a hug too. “Thank you, Nora,” Niamh whispered. “Thank you for helping to keep Maura safe.”

  Nora backed away, her hands gripping Niamh’s arms. “You kept your daughter safe, Niamh. You ensured she was healthy and well. I merely changed my address for a little while.” She stared for a long moment into Niamh’s eyes. “I wish you the ha
ppiness you were so long denied, the wisdom to know how to cherish that happiness, and the courage to believe you deserve it.”

  Niamh’s eyes filled, and she battled tears.

  Nora nodded, as though understanding the surfeit of emotions, squeezed Niamh’s arms, and moved to join the celebrating O’Rourkes.

  Cormac wrapped an arm around her waist, tugging her to his side. “What did she say to upset you?” he asked, as he kissed her head.

  “Nothing,” she breathed, as she pressed her face into his strong chest. “She gave me a blessing. I hope I am strong enough to live up to it.”

  Chapter 11

  A heavy snow had fallen, and Cormac looked out his window to see his fiancée, niece, and soon-to-be sister-in-law outside. “What are they doing?” After donning a coat, hat, scarf, and gloves, he slipped outside to join them.

  At the sound of his door closing, Niamh spun around and glared at him, her hands on her hips. “You’ve ruined our surprise!”

  He pointed at his cabin with a thumb. “Should I go back inside and act like I didn’t see you?”

  Maggie gave a huff as she knelt on the ground. “No, because I think we’ll need your strength. We wanted to build you a snowman, but the snow is so heavy!”

  Cormac smiled at Maggie’s enthusiasm and at Niamh’s desire to do such a sweet surprise for him. “I’m an excellent beast of burden.”

  After they had made three snowmen, numerous snow angels, and had an impromptu snowball fight, Niamh said, “I’m freezing. I need to warm up.”

  “Me too,” Maggie said, “and I’m sure Maura needs a nap. Why don’t I take her back so you and Cormac can drink tea by his fire?” She winked at them, scooped up a giggling Maura, and trotted toward home.

  Niamh sat, in quiet shock, covered head to foot in snow, panting from the exertion of the snowball fight, as she watched her daughter happily depart with her giggling sister. “Brazen,” she whispered.

  “Not brazen, love,” Cormac said, as he groaned while heaving her to her feet. “Thoughtful. She’s gifting us with time together. Which we haven’t had nearly enough of since we became engaged a few weeks ago.” He gripped her hand and pulled her toward his cabin.

  Once inside, he shucked his outerwear, hanging it on pegs near the stove. He urged her to do the same.

  “’Tis no use,” she whispered. “I’m soaked through. I should go home.”

  He stilled her frenetic motions, whispering, “No, love.” After kissing the riotous mass of her hair, come loose from all its pins during their exertions outside, he moved to a trunk and extracted a large nightshirt. “Change into this and cuddle with me under the blankets.”

  She gazed at him, wide-eyed and shocked.

  “I promise I won’t tempt you.”

  “You tempt me by breathing,” she muttered.

  “Niamh?” he rasped. “Say that again. Please.” His gaze, filled with hope and yearning, met hers.

  In a stronger voice, she said, “You tempt me by breathing, Cormac.”

  He pulled her into his embrace, wrapping his arms around her. “Good. As long as I don’t frighten you. That is my greatest fear.”

  “No, I’m not afraid of you. Although I do fear what I feel for you,” she whispered. When he would have said more, she shushed him and urged him to look the other way.

  Cormac faced the stove, warming his front, as he attempted to battle his desire for Niamh, whom he would soon hold in his arms in his bed. He also attempted to fight his growing hope she felt the same depth of love for him as he did for her. Although he promised himself he would never force her into an admission, as such an avowal could never be construed as a true sentiment, he prayed every day for her to tell him how she felt. For him to know, with utter certainty, that she loved him.

  “I’m decent,” she called out.

  “It’s your turn now. Don’t look,” he said, before turning his head with a wicked smile and teasing glint in his eyes. “Unless you want to.” At her mortified shriek, she tugged the blanket over her head.

  After shucking all his soaked clothes, he tugged on another nightshirt and slipped under the covers with her.

  “How is it that I’m so cold and you’re a furnace?” she grumbled, as she instinctively moved into his embrace.

  “You make it sound like all you desire me for is my warmth,” he teased.

  She snuggled into him and breathed a sigh of contentment. “You know that’s not true, Cormac.” She wrapped her arm around his belly, pressing into him.

  After long moments of peaceful silence, broken only by the sounds of children playing outside and the crackling of wood in the fire, Cormac whispered, “What’s the matter, love?”

  She sighed. “I should have known better than to try to hide how I’m feeling from you. You’ve always known how to read me better than anyone.” At his soft kiss to her temple, she relaxed. “I can’t help but feel a tremendous guilt that we stole the happiness he should have had.”

  Cormac grunted and moved down so that his head was on the pillow, and he looked directly into her gaze. “Finally we’ll talk about what happened.” He saw her instinctual desire to withdraw into herself, but then she nodded. “Why did you never tell me what was occurring?”

  Niamh shrugged. “Shame.” She closed her eyes. When he stroked a whisper-soft caress over her cheeks, her eyes flared open in shock. “Every time he hit me, he had a reason. I didn’t do something he had wanted, and he felt compelled to punish me.”

  With shaking hands, Cormac held her head reverently. “You know that’s a lie, my precious Niamh. Please say that you understand that he said those things to control you and to justify his abominable behavior to himself.”

  “On one level, I know that, Cormac,” she whispered. “On another, I never believed I deserved better.”

  “Oh, my beloved,” he breathed, leaning forward to kiss her softly on her forehead, then her nose, before finally kissing her lips. “You deserve the world. The stars and the moon, if you so wish. Never doubt.”

  Her eyes filled. “I did. Until recently. Until you.” She raised a tremulous, hesitant hand to his face. “I thought … I thought if you knew how I had allowed him to treat me that you’d no longer respect me. That you’d see me as the weak woman I am.” She held fingers over his lips so she could continue to speak her deepest truths.

  “I feared, if you saw who I really was, a terrified woman living in a hell I’d made for myself, that you would no longer come by the house. You’d no longer brighten my days with your presence.” She paused. “No longer give me hope that you would visit,” she whispered. “And I found I couldn’t live without hope.”

  He rested his forehead against hers. “I hate imagining the pain you suffered.” He fought a shudder. “And I can’t stand that it was my brother who harmed you, Niamh.” He leaned forward, kissing her softly. “I know you struggle with the same guilt I feel that Connor left in anger after seeing us together and then died.”

  She nodded, her eyes wide.

  “I would apologize, but I can’t,” he whispered, his voice tormented as his hands stroked through her tangled hair. “I can’t because it was the first time I held you in my arms and you thought of me. You wanted me.”

  Her gaze was filled with hope at his passionate words. “I did, Cormac,” she whispered. “But it wasn’t the first time I wanted you. It wasn’t the first time I desired your touch.” She took a deep breath, as though garnering her courage. “It was the first time I dared to dream that you and I could have more than fantasies.”

  Cormac stared into her eyes a long moment, his gaze clouded with uncertainty and confusion. “I don’t understand why you waited so long. You knew how much you meant to me after Connor and I fought in August.”

  She flushed and ducked her head. “Connor had convinced me that you considered me your sister. That you only defended me out of familial duty. Not because you felt more for me.” She met his gaze. “Then I heard Connor taunting you. Goading you with th
e fact that I was his wife and that, no matter how much you might want me, you’d never have me. I peered through a crack in the wood wall and saw your stricken face. In that moment, I realized I was more than a sister to you.”

  He swallowed, as though too mortified by the overheard conversation to do anything else. “He excelled at manipulation.”

  Niamh nodded. “Aye, an’ I decided, in that moment, I’d had enough. I’d suffered enough. I wanted more.” She closed her eyes. “And, may God forgive me, my prayers were answered.”

  Cormac eased a tense Niamh onto his chest. “What do you mean?”

  One hand played with his fingers, and she rested her head on his shoulder. “I had prayed, every night for over a year, for Connor to die.”

  Cormac chuckled and shook his head. “No matter what you believe, love, you don’t have that power.” He sighed. “I’ve thought a lot since I returned from Virginia City. I’ll always feel guilty that Connor died. That we fought before he stormed away. That he said horrible things to us. But you didn’t kill him any more than I did. His choices led to his death.”

  Niamh wrapped her arm around Cormac’s waist and squeezed him tight, earning a stuttering sound of surprise and relief from him. “I know, Cormac, but sometimes guilt is easier to feel than relief and gratitude.”

  “Cormac, see sense,” Niamh snapped, one hand on her waist. She glared up at him as he glowered down at her. They stood in the middle of his small cabin, searching for a place for Maura to sleep. “There’s no room for her here. And I won’t feel comfortable if she’s in the same room with us.”

  He stared at her intently for a long moment. “You’re saying you won’t feel comfortable making love with me if your daughter is here.”

  She nodded and flushed, facing away from him, as though searching the room for a hidden door to a second room to be made into a bedroom. “This is a perfect space for a single bachelor. Not for a man with a family.”

  Cormac crossed his arms over his chest. “No. I will not do it, and you shouldn’t want to either, Niamh.”