I was still on a high from last night, and maybe this wasn’t the right time to give Lila my property patch, but I was done waiting to claim her properly.
I reached under the bed and grabbed the bag I had stashed there. I’d had a vest made and everything. Jesus, I couldn’t remember ever being this nervous in my life. I never thought I’d ever have anything like I had with Lila. Never thought I deserved it. Had never let myself hope for it. For someone like her.
I tucked it behind me and tugged Lila across the bed so she was plastered against me. She stiffened. It was slight, but there was no missing it. She usually melted against me.
“You still not feeling good, Bambi?”
She shook her head. “I just…I need to go home.”
I lifted to my elbow and rolled her to her back. Her hair covered her face, so I brushed it out of the way. She kept her eyes closed. My girl was still tired. I could work with that.
“Why don’t we stay here? Neither of us needs to be at work until tomorrow. We’ll get up earlier and head back to Rocktown in the morning. We can chill here until you feel better, then I could show you around Black Stone properly. Take you out for dinner. Come home, watch TV, fuck on the couch.”
I expected her to laugh, or at least grin. I wasn’t even sure she heard me.
“Lila?”
“Hmm?”
I chuckled. She was cute all soft and tired like this. “I’ve got something for you.” I reached back, heart in my throat, and pulled the cool leather vest from the bag behind me and held it out for her. “This might seem quick, but I’ve wanted to give this to you almost from the moment I met you.”
She looked at the vest and swallowed, her delicate throat working.
“You’re the first woman I’ve ever wanted to claim as property. The only woman I’ll ever want. Will you wear it, Lila?”
I held my breath. Giving her this was a big deal. Christ, I may as well be asking her to marry me.
The silence stretched out, her eyes closed again, and I suddenly found it hard to breathe.
“Lila?”
She bit her lip.
“Bambi, look at me.”
Her eyes finally opened and locked on mine and my stomach plummeted.
She’d figured it out. She’d finally worked out that I wasn’t anywhere near good enough for her.
Her gaze slid away from mine. “Thank you, I’m…I’m flattered that you’d want to give me that…but I’ve been thinking.”
My fucking heart stalled when she still wouldn’t look at me. She didn’t want it. Oh fuck, she didn’t want it. She didn’t want me.
“Whatever’s going on in your head, let’s talk about it, okay? We’ll talk about it and I’ll make it okay.” There was desperation in my voice, and I didn’t give a shit.
She shook her head. “There’s nothing to talk about. I…I’ve thought about it, and I’ve made a decision…”
“Lila, don’t. Don’t you fucking say it.”
“Jesse…”
“Look, if it’s too soon for the patch, that’s fine. I’ll hold on to it until you’re ready…”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” she said. Her voice was nothing but a broken whisper, but it was lightning cracking through the room.
Every muscle in my body locked. “No. No, that’s not happening. We talk, we work it out, and we move forward.”
She planted her hand on my chest and pushed, pushed me away. She may as well have cleaved out my heart.
“I’ve made my decision,” she said and tried to climb out of bed.
I grabbed her hand and pulled her back, rolling, covering her body with mine. I shoved my legs between hers and cupped her face, making her look at me. I needed her to fucking look at me. “This is bullshit, Lila. I don’t know why you’re doing this, but no. It’s not fucking over. We are not over.”
She looked different, her eyes were flat, her face pale. “I don’t belong here, Jesse. I don’t fit in with your club.”
“You do. They love you…”
“This isn’t what I want for myself. And I…I don’t want to be your property. I will never be anyone’s property.”
“That’s not what it means, you know that…”
“Let me up, Jesse.”
I didn’t want to.
“Now.”
I cupped her face, searching her beautiful eyes for answers, running my thumb over her jaw, needing to touch her, to keep her here with me. “Don’t do this, baby. You don’t want to do this.”
She took my wrist in her small hand and pulled it away. “It’s over.”
Another hit. This one with enough force to have me bolting from the bed. I snatched up my jeans and stalked out of the room before I did something I shouldn’t, like tie her to my bed and never let her go. Or I started begging or yelling, or fuck, crying.
Because it hurt. It motherfucking hurt.
I thought we were solid.
I thought she…fuck, I thought she loved me, too.
I could hear her moving around in my room, and I paced the living room, fingers tugging my hair, trying to wrack my brain. What the hell had I done? Why was she doing this?
How could I make her change her mind? She had to change her mind.
Okay…maybe it was just a matter of me moving too fast and her freaking out? Maybe she just needed time?
I didn’t want to give her time, but I would. I’d do anything to keep her.
She walked out and my gaze snapped to her, eating up the sight of her. I wanted to pull her into my arms so bad my arms actually tingled and my skin felt tight.
“I pushed. I get it. I’m moving too fast. We can slow things down. If that’s what you need, we’ll slow things down…”
“No, Jesse.”
The hard resolve in her voice stripped the flesh from my bones. Breathing hard, I shoved my hands in my pockets, curling my fingers into fists, and shook my head in denial. This couldn’t be happening.
“Look, we had some fun. This wasn’t meant to get so…serious…”
“Bullshit,” I bit out, my heart racing so fast I was light-headed. Or maybe it was a desperate sprint for survival, because it felt like the fucker was about to explode in my chest.
“I want to thank you,” she said. “You helped me find the confidence in myself, in my body, that I was lacking.”
I laughed without humor, the sound ugly. “So what happens now that you have this confidence? You go out and fuck other guys? Guys who aren’t dirty bikers? Who can give you what you really want?”
She flushed and looked down. No. I couldn’t believe that. She was trying to make me believe I’d been a fun diversion, that now I’d showed her how to fuck, she was going to go out and find Mr. Right.
Maybe you’ve just been blind this whole time.
Maybe, but twisted masochist that I am, I still wanted her.
I would always want her.
I should have seen this coming. I’d been waiting for her to figure out I was a piece of trash ever since I talked her into giving me a second chance. I’d known she was too good for me from the very start, but I’d still wanted her, tried to keep her. Something sweet and clean and beautiful.
Something perfect just for me.
I’d never met anyone like her. Lila saw everything, she saw me. That had fascinated me, scared the shit out of me, and in the end, had been what fucked me over.
She saw me, right into my blackened soul—and now she didn’t want anything to do with me.
I moved then, unable to stop myself, and she backed away from me, driving a stake through my chest. I didn’t stop, though. This was my last chance to touch her. Maybe that made me an asshole, yeah, it definitely made me an asshole. But I didn’t care. Not anymore.
Her back hit the wall and I crowded in, pressing my body against hers, shuddering at the feel of her warmth, her sweet curves, and dipped my head to her neck, breathing her in. If I kissed her properly, I wouldn’t be able to let her walk awa
y, but I couldn’t stop myself from trailing my lips up her throat to her ear.
She tried to hold herself rigid, but her body trembled, her breath quickening. She may not want a future with me, but she still wanted to fuck me. I could take advantage of that, I could fuck her right here against this wall and have her screaming my name in minutes. It might give me some sick satisfaction, but it wouldn’t change anything. She’d still leave.
She’d still leave me.
I breathed her in deep, branding her on my senses. “I get it, Bambi, why you don’t want me anymore. I do.” Didn’t stop it from hurting, though. In a way I’d never recover from.
I lifted my head and looked into her eyes, and what I saw cut me to the quick. Nothing, I saw nothing. Hollow emptiness. I’d obviously seen what I wanted to see, imagined it all. Because this girl looking up at me, she felt nothing. And right then, I wanted to hurt her like she was hurting me.
I trailed my fingers down her cheek. “You got me, didn’t you, Lila? I didn’t see this coming.” I cupped her neck, absorbing the feel of her smooth skin under my rough fingers one last time. “I’m used to women wanting me for the way I look, for a rough ride before they find Mr. Right. I sure as hell didn’t mind. Then you came along with those big brown eyes and innocent touches. Made me want more. But you’re not special, or different, are you, Bambi? You were just too much of a coward to be upfront about what you really wanted. I never stood a chance.”
She flinched and tried to pull away.
I tightened my hold on her. Even now I wanted her to say she didn’t mean any of it, that she loved me, wanted me. But she’d never said that. She’d never said she loved me.
Her lips were puffy from her biting them, and I tried, but I couldn’t stop myself from slamming my mouth down on hers and kissing her hard, gripping her chin and opening her mouth so I could taste her properly.
She tried to resist and then she melted, kissing me back just as hard, with just as much fury. She fisted my shirt, pushing at me, then tugged me back, clawing at me to get me closer. I growled and shoved up her skirt, then tore open the front of my jeans—
The knock at the door had the same effect as a gunshot.
Lila shoved me back, breathing hard, her eyes wide, gaze moving over me like she couldn’t believe what she’d been about to let me do. She wanted it. There was no hiding it. She was as turned on as me.
I stood there with my dick out and smirked back at her like an asshole as she pushed her skirt down. Better that than dropping to my knees and begging her to stay.
“You in there, Lila?”
Trixie.
Lila had organized her ride home, probably last night. While I’d lay beside her wanting her, she’d been planning how to dump my ass.
“I’m coming.” She glanced back at me and swallowed, her gaze dropping to my cock swinging in the breeze, then back up. “Jesse…”
“Don’t worry, Bambi.” I fisted my dick, even though it was rapidly softening. “I’ll have no trouble finding someone to come and take care of this for me.” I took my swipe, like a goddamn wounded animal trying to protect itself before it fucking dropped dead.
Her eyes flared, then she spun away and yanked the door open. I strode away, not able to watch her leave.
Then I listened to her drive away.
Lila was gone.
It was over.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lila
A full week had passed since I’d walked out of Jesse’s house, and the pain hadn’t lessened. No, it got worse every single day. I’d finally realized that I would never get my parents’ approval. That it didn’t matter what anyone thought, that being with Jesse made me happier than I’d ever been. Then I’d had to give him up.
But I knew I’d done the right thing when I’d looked out my window after Trixie dropped me home. I’d heard the deep rumble of Harley pipes and convinced myself it was Jesse, but it wasn’t. It was his father. He’d sat on his bike across from my place, staring into my yard, unflinching. Terrifying. A final warning to stay away from his son.
So I had. And it was killing me.
Everly had tried to make me talk about it, but I couldn’t tell her the real reason I’d ended it. I couldn’t tell anyone. That would be risking Jesse’s life. Risking her life.
I’d lain in bed every night, going over every possible scenario, and all of them ended with someone I loved getting hurt. I had no proof, so the police were out. If I told Jesse, he’d go straight to his father and his father would do what he’d promised. He’d…hurt Jesse, then go after my friends. I didn’t doubt his threat was real. Not for one second.
Even if Jesse got the better of his father, didn’t give him the chance to attack first, his father had people who were willing to do awful things for him. He’d made that much clear.
Any way I looked at it left Jesse hurt in some way. That wasn’t a risk I was willing to take.
“Can we go visit Quinn at The Mule?” Madison asked and tugged on my hand.
I’d been spending my nights at Kate and Eric’s. I hadn’t wanted to be alone, not after Jesse’s dad had come to my house, and it also made it easier to avoid my friends.
Kate had been great, she’d met Jesse when I’d taken her in to get her matching tattoo, and she’d liked him instantly. Kate took people at face value, which was one of the many reasons I loved her. I could see she wanted to grill me for information. Thankfully, my sister also knew when to leave me be. Another reason she was so awesome. Though I knew it wouldn’t last forever. She was still my sister and seeing me in pain hurt her.
After closing the library earlier, I’d gone back to her place, but my brain wouldn’t shut up. I’d walked in the door and immediately wanted to head back out. So I’d dressed Madison in her jacket and snow boots so we could go for a walk.
I smiled at my niece, but there was no way I was risking it. Jesse could be there. “Not today.”
She scowled.
“How about we get cake from Addie on the way home instead?”
She did a little shimmy dance of joy. “Yes! Can we get some for Mom and Dad as well?”
“Sure thing.”
It was late afternoon and everything glistened as the air cooled. The sun was low in the sky, the pines dusted with snow. It was the first time I’d been out besides going to work since everything happened.
As we neared Rocktown Ink, I crossed the road. It was a cowardly thing to do, but I wasn’t ready to see Jesse yet, though I didn’t know if he was even still here. Had he come back after what happened? I’d been desperate to ask Everly, but I’d stopped myself.
If I knew for sure he was here, I’d weaken. I’d want to go to him, and I couldn’t do that no matter how desperate I was to see him.
We walked by The Mule, and although it was hard, I kept my eyes trained ahead and not up at his apartment across the street. If I laid eyes on him now, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. I didn’t trust myself. I missed him so much it was a constant physical ache. My heart literally felt broken. My workdays went by in a blur of trying to remember to breathe, to eat, to not collapse in a heap and never get up. My nights I spent drowning in tears.
I tightened my hand on Maddie’s and prepared to cross back, looking out for cars before we walked out—
I jerked to a stop.
It was him.
Oh God. It was Jesse.
He had his head down, but I’d know him anywhere.
Jesse was jogging toward me in sweatpants and a long-sleeved Henley that hugged every muscled inch of his long, lean body. His dark blond hair was covered by a beanie, and he had earbuds in, gaze fixed on the road in front of him.
I couldn’t look away. God, my knees actually went weak.
His gaze snapped up, locking on me like he’d sensed me standing there. I wasn’t sure how I stayed standing. His green eyes were bright, intense, and they didn’t waver.
I sucked in a desperate breath, like the wind had just been knocked from me.
<
br /> Move. Walk away. Get the hell out of here.
I didn’t. Couldn’t.
Madison tugged on my hand.
Jesse slowed, stopping in front of me. He removed his earbuds, and took me in, and it was like he’d run his hands over me. I wanted to cry. I was going to cry. I swallowed it down.
“Hey,” he said, his voice impossibly deep and rough.
“Hey.”
He stared into my eyes, hard, like he was trying to see inside me. I looked away, because if he saw what was inside me, if he saw the truth, he’d drag me across the street to his apartment and not let me leave until I told him everything.
“I, uh…was just taking Madison to Addie’s to get cake.” I glanced around us, terror suddenly pushing forward that someone might see us together and it would get back to Jesse’s dad, that he’d find out and hurt him anyway.
“I’m Madison,” my niece said all wide-eyed and breathless.
Jesse smiled down at her, then his gaze came back at me, the warmth vanishing. His gaze turned cold, hollow, like he was looking through me. Like I was nothing and never had been. It hurt so much I wasn’t sure how I held in my gasp of pain.
“Guess you’ve got big plans this weekend, huh, Bambi?”
I swallowed, hard. “Um yeah.” Liar. My only plans were to eat a million cookies, then cry myself to sleep. God, the urge to shuffle closer, to press my body against his was almost impossible to ignore.
My niece shook her head. “No you haven’t.” She looked at me like I was an idiot. “You told Mom you never wanted to go out ever again.”
“No I didn’t, Maddie. We were talking about someone else.”
She shook her head, getting a stubborn look on her face. “Yes, you did. You were crying, and you said…”
“Okay, time to get cake.”
My niece had just thrown me under the bus. Jesse’s gaze was locked on me, no longer cold but hot and hard. I could feel it. I couldn’t look at him.
I glanced around us again, my fear shooting higher. The longer I stood here with him, the bigger the risk someone would see us together. “Anyway, we better…”
“You’ve been crying?” he asked, voice hard, impossibly deep. He took a step closer.
Bad For You (Rocktown Ink Book 4) Page 18