Stay With Me 1

by Jessica Aniston

  She’ll wake up a new person, unbreakable, untouchable. Focused and sharp with only one number one priority: herself. She’s decided that this is the only way she’ll get to the other side of Heart Roulette in one piece. God, she hates being so weak. She hates that she still cares. Declan is right, their relationship is too close anyway, and they are far too good friends. They would never work as boyfriend and girlfriend. He would get neglecting and she would get aloof, like they had in every outside relationship before. They would crash and burn and lose each other. She doesn’t want that. So it’s settled. Karin is over Declan and this time she’s determined to make sure that its permanent.

  The next time she sees him, two days later when he has asked about everyone from Bronstown he knows to meet them at the fire station, she forces herself to remember every time he has pissed her off. Every shallow thing he’s ever said, every time he made embarrassing sounds in front of her and laughed at how funny that was and by the time, he gives her a quick hug hello, she doesn’t feel like kissing him ever again.

  He dips his head towards her and asks about her day routinely. She answers perfunctory, about how her classes were tedious, gearing up for the end of term tests, and listens when he points out the new equipment they added to two of the three big fire trucks with the money from the last fundraiser fair - the one where she slaved away painting almost a hundred children’s faces as a favor to him. The old station is a little dank, paint peeling off of the walls and it smells like rubber and fuel, the odor so thick you can taste it. She knows he loves it here though, knows how much of his free time he spends lounging around with his brothers who are full-time firemen, not just volunteers like Declan, and waits for something to come up so he can help. Not that he wants anything to burn. But he’d been giddily happy the last time he got to drive out with his brother Joseph to go get a cat out of a tree.

  Declan leaves her to stroll around and greet people as they arrive like he owns the place and she sighs, trailing after him eventually. She still isn’t sure that this was the right thing to do but he’s already called the meeting and so here they are. Karin slips in behind him, so she can say hi to everyone getting in and in between hugging people, she keeps an eye out on the buffet table which hosts mostly chips and beer, to see when she needs to go and refill. Twenty people in, she realizes that Declan invited everyone he knows. This is evident once she finds that she doesn’t know a good third of them, which is a thing that doesn’t happen much, her not knowing the people from his town, because usually, he introduces her to everybody and she is around a lot.

  “How many people did you invite?” She mutters under her breath as the plastic chairs he’s set up in rows in front of them fill one by one.

  “Not many more,” he assures her.

  By her estimate, by the time Declan looks poised to begin, there must be at least seventy people in the garage and it’s weirdly touching that he is so at home here, so entwined and loved by his community that he can call up an impromptu meeting on a days’ notice and so many will show up.

  “That’s quite the turnout,” she mutters to him over her shoulder as he bullies her into position next to him in front of their audience.

  “They’re all just here for the free booze,” he quips, grins at her and then turns to face the crowd.

  “Hey everyone, thanks for coming!” He says and the room falls silent. “I suppose you’re wondering why we asked you here today. We wanted to throw you a little party as a bribe for helping us because we’re going to be in this televised competition and when anybody comes asking, we basically need you to lie for us, but only a little bit.”

  Karin and Declan are now looking into puzzled faces and she can’t help but chuckle when he tries to clarify and summarize what they’re going to be doing in the summer and fails for quite some time to explain the convoluted game and their parts in it.

  Their expressions changing from confusion to skeptical understanding remind Karin in striking detail to what their mothers looked like when they had sat them down at their semi-regular Friday Night BBQ in the Shelton’s backyard the day before. Darla, Karin’s Mother, and Scarlett and Hank, Declan’s parents, had waited a good ten seconds after Declan had stopped speaking to react.

  “Is this a good idea?” Hank went first.

  “You’ll be lying on TV?” Scarlett joined in half a moment later.

  “Won’t it make things awkward between you two?” Darla added to the cacophony of parental disapproval.

  Karin did not know the good answers for their questions but Declan has this talent of reframing anything so it sounds nice, which is why he offered: “It’s a great way for us to make some money to support ourselves and we’re not hurting anybody. We’re not lying to be malicious; we’re playing a game as teammates: as partners. We’re going to be working together as friends on a big project and it’s actually going to be great for our friendship when we win. Because we’re going to win, no doubts about it.”

  “And that’s why it would be wonderful,” he says eventually after giving the fire station crowd about the same speech, “if you could tell people if anybody asks that you don’t know if we’re together or that we are, I mean that you think we are or might be together. Whatever degree of fibbing is fine with you personally. Most important is to not tell the truth. So, if anyone asks, we are not the fake couple, alright?”

  Their audience nods but most eyes are still inquisitive slits, which is why Declan asks if there are still questions on anybody’s mind, he can put to rest.

  “So, you’re really not together?” A guy with a trucker hat asks and looks almost grief-stricken. “I thought you finally figured it out now Tina’s gone.”

  There’s a rumble going through the room at the name of Declan’s ex-girlfriend that’s basically snickers of appraisal and Karin is torn between feeling validated about this. It’s obvious at this point that nobody likes Tina, as they should because she’s stuck-up. Karin is still taken by surprise y the fact that a townsperson that she never knowingly met apparently kept tabs on Declan and her relationship status.

  “No,” Declan says next to her. “There’s nothing to figure out people. We’re best friends, you know that. Ask Oakley and the guys. They’d know,” Declan points at his middle school buddies at the far end of the crowd, already nursing their beer bottles, and they holler some ‘yes ’s and nod emphatically.

  “Never should’ve broken up with her, buddy,” his bulky, gym-crazy friend Oakley jokes and the others around him laugh.

  This is normal, ever since Karin got her nose done and her breasts grew enough to fill her push-up bras, they haven’t let Declan live down the fact that years ago, he broke up with a skinny, mousy kid who wound up getting “hot”. Karin grins, just because right now, she kind of enjoys the general mindset. That’s right, Oakley. He never should have broken up with her because now she’s all over Declan and they’re not getting back together. Karin really doesn’t like the prospect of discussing whatever is going on between her and Declan with a town hall’s worth of people.

  “Yes, greatest mistake of my life,” Declan jokes and she can see the way he rolls his eyes even from the corners of hers. “But, no, we’re really not a couple. What we do want is to win. We want to win this show, so we really need you all to keep things tight here. That would be great. So, can we count on the home town closed ranks? Are you going to help us win this?”

  Then just like in a made-for-TV-sports movie, the men and women gathered to yell back their affirmations, some even raising their fists, pumping them high and then Oakley starts a chant.

  “Declan and Karin, Declan and Karin, Declan and Karin,” they chant until Declan screams from the top of his lungs that they’re very funny but that the buffet is now officially open and that the celebration of his and her entry into the big fake love competition can begin. They mingle then, mostly apart from each other to cover their bases, answer more questions and hang with as many different people as they can, just to mak
e sure that everybody likes them enough to keep their mouths shut and really, it’s no bother, anyway.

  Karin might not be the biggest people person but these people are her home community, too. Since she’s spent most of her weekends in Bronstown with Declan, she was essentially adopted into the small town’s fabric. She’s grown up in Declan and his friend’s backyards, got her first kiss at the Carnival - the real first kiss, not Declan pecking her on the edge of her mouth when he was ten - threw up from booze the first time in Gray’s backyard, had her first time in Oakley’s basement guest room with his cousin Perry who was visiting from Detroit and never called her after. This is her home, too and she has known most of these people since she was a little girl. Really, they’re fine. Her and Declan’s secret is definitely saved with them. Hell, if they won, Karin wouldn’t put it past them to throw them a parade or something.

  Much later when Karin has stalked off to sit with Jacintha, one of Declan’s core friend group, on the bed of one of the new trucks, her best friend finds her. His eyes are vaguely glazed over and there’s this swing to his step that tells her he’s tipsy and firmly on the verge of being drunk.

  “You girls hiding away again,” he says, mock-accusation lacing his words. “Everybody left, it’s a damn sausage fest over there. Come on, join the fiesta.” He shimmies his hips a little bit and wobbles his head, over-exaggerating the Spanish word and holds out his hands to grab both women off their hiding spot. Karin had just needed to get away from the crowd for a while earlier and she winces at the thought of having to go back.

  “It’s just the guys,” Declan tells her when he picks up on her reluctance. “Five people left, at most.”

  Karin watches as Jacintha follows the pull of Declan’s hand and hops off the truck, the traitor. She’s lining up with Declan, coming up roughly to his shoulder, and looks at her expectantly. It’s funny seeing them next to each other, very aware that Declan likes standing by Jacintha a lot because she’s so short that she makes him look tall. But then again, she also makes him look lanky because she is about twice as wide as him. She’s slightly overweight in a well-proportioned way that makes her look wonderfully feminine and comely, with an inviting, friendly face. When Karin was a kid, she doesn’t exactly fit into the mold of what is supposed to be conventionally pretty, but unlike Karin, Jacintha has always been at home in her body and it made her breathtakingly, unconventionally beautiful, like she is glowing from inside. She’s been with her boyfriend Lew since high school and she just told Karin that they’re trying for a baby.

  It’s remarkable what different lives two people the same age can be leading. Jacintha has her whole future mapped out. She is completely sure of herself and her place in the world, confident that the man she loves absolutely loves her too. She’s confident enough to try and create a whole new human with him. Karin doubts she will ever get to this place with anybody. Who isn’t Declan, her brain adds and she snuffs it out by jumping off the bed of the truck as well, forgoing Declan’s offered hand?

  “I need more alcohol,” she declares and then makes a beeline for the camping table that holds just the few left-over beers now, the chips and dips already depleted.

  At three in the morning, there’s six party guests left, sitting on the lawn chairs from the meeting in a circle around the fireman’s pole because about an hour ago, the guys had a ridiculous pole-dance-off that made Karin potentially pee her pants laughing a little bit. Jacintha sits on Lew’s lap, Gray and Oakley flanking them, opposite of Karin and Declan as they talk over Declan’s country playlist, looking like a group of hicks if she’s ever seen one. Not that they are. They’re all not rich but Bronstown is hardly a trailer park, mind you.

  “I still can’t wrap my brain around you both doing that show,” Jacintha muses and the others mumble their agreement.

  “No one’s going to believe you snagged that,” Gray nods to Declan and then inclines his head towards Karin. “You look like a stunted pelican next to her.”

  “Wow, thanks man,” Declan laughs and takes a long drag from his beer and even if he won’t show it, she knows that he is peeved, which is why he says what he says next. “Let’s not forget that Karin here had a pretty big crush on me way back when.”

  “Declan,” Karin hisses and plucks the hand off that he has slammed down on her thigh hard and continued to pat down on her, and tosses it back at him. Why would he mention that now? It’s not like she doesn’t know he knows, about 'way back when', but does that mean he knew about after, too? She’d always been sure he’d had no idea. No idea at all about thirteen, sixteen, eighteen and twenty-one. About last year. But maybe he’s known all along, and only pretended that he didn’t. Suddenly her ears burn and she feels stupid.

  “That was a long time ago,” she says, measuring her own voice tightly and Declan laughs.

  “I know, Sunshine,” he says but then his hand is back on her knee, squeezing once and her stomach dips. She can’t help her head snapping over, facing him, locking on his gaze.

  Yes, it’s a moment. It’s definitely a moment.

  One of those that always get her all queasy. When he looks at her like he wants to say something he doesn’t have words for ... as if the words do not exist yet and it’s so frigging confusing when that happens. She wonders who of them he’s protecting by not saying whatever it is he would maybe say. He retracts his hand and his eyes and the moment is gone, fleeting like a summer rain, leaving only the smell of water on hot concrete as the heat crawls back in slowly.

  “He does have a point, though,” Oakley says and buffs Declan in the arm. “You look like a damn peasant next to her.”

  “Yes, you need to take him shopping,” Jacintha agrees and points at Karin. “Infuse some fashion sense into our Declan from the heartland here.”

  “Oh, she’s already locked that down,” Declan sighs. “On Wednesday she’s taking me to the mall.”

  “Oh, please get me video of that,” Alyssa giggles. “I need a full teen-movie wardrobe-change-reel. Declan Shelton’s princess transformation!”

  “I’ll see what I can do,” Karin promises. But when the day comes, she’s too busy keeping Declan’s puppy tendencies in rein to really think about documenting it all for prosperity.

  On Wednesday afternoon, Declan is parading through clothing stores with a strange hat and two sunglasses on that he stacked on top of each other, strutting his stuff like he’s a model hopeful. Karin huffs out in exasperation and grabs him by the elbow to make him stop and wordlessly takes the hat and sunglasses off of him, trading them for a stack of shirts and pants as his face falls, like she is no fun at all. But he still follows her lead, letting her nudge him to the dressing rooms and obediently tries on all the combinations she points out to him. Three outfits in, he stands in front of the wall-length mirror, staring at his reflection wearing the baby blue dress shirt with tiny white cactuses on it and pressed navy pants she has picked out and looks like he has never seen the man standing in front of him.

  “Is this really necessary?” he asks her, searching her eyes in the mirror where she stands beside him.

  “It’s all in the packaging,” she shrugs matter-of-factly.

  “Babe,” he says and she makes a face.

  “What?”

  “It’s all in the packaging, babe,” he repeats to her growing frown.

  “We’re not acting yet,” she tells him, trying to ignore the way it feels like her chest is constricting at the pet name, coiling up into a ball, so it feels like her ribs are closing in around her heart. Get it together, Hanson.

  “But we should start getting used to it,” he says. “Serves us better in the long run.”

  “I don’t even know if I would call you babe,” she tells him, fiddling with the next couple of outfits for him to try that she has thrown over her arm.

  “If you would, when?” He asks her.

  “If we were together,” she says, plucking off some lint off the uppermost T-shirt.

  “Thought ab
out that a lot, have you?” He chuckles and she knows he’s looking at her now, not her reflection.

  “Be quiet,” she groans. “Also, yes, of course I have. There’s a million dollars in the pot riding on me thinking a lot about it. About how we would act if we were ... ”

  “I’d call you babe,” he says easily, making her clench her jaw.

  “Preferable over Rinno,” she grits out and discovers a couple of manufacturing errors on that khaki shirt she’s giving most of her attention to as they speak.

  “Maybe Rin-Rin?” Declan quips and instead of dignifying that with a response, she shoves the new selection of menswear in his face, covering his smug grin from her sight.

  “Go try those on,” she commands and he does her the favor.

  While he does, she picks up a couple things for herself she knows will go well with the color scheme she’s assembled for him and then waits for him to model some of his new looks. She makes mental notes on which ones to buy that she can match easily with her new stuff and what’s already inside her overflowing closet.

  “I look like the idiots you date,” he says some time in that process when he called her into his cabin with him, refusing to come out in the violet polo she’s suggested.