by J. L. Beck
“I know,” my father cuts me off. “I know.”
The front door opens, and Ava and Laura appear before me. Laura’s eyes dart between my father and I before catching on the drops of blood glittering the floor.
“Oh my God, Vance, are you okay?” she asks, taking a step toward me and I wave her off before she can start her mother hen shit. I don’t need anything from her or my father. In my book, they’re both lying cheaters.
“I’m fine.” I lift my hand, bringing it to my chest, before allowing myself to look her in the eyes. My insides knot painfully and when I do get the courage to look at her it feels like someone’s hit me in the gut.
Her green eyes are filled with so much sadness it pours out of her and onto the floor. It suffocates me, wrapping around me, grabbing onto my heart with a vise-like grip. It squeezes and squeezes and I feel myself getting light headed.
You did this. Her face pales, and she blinks rapidly almost as if she’s fighting off tears.
“I… I have homework to do. I’m going to go,” she announces and starts toward the stairs, hurrying up them two at a time. I clutch at my chest, feeling like the organ inside of it got ripped out. I deserve for it to. I did this. Broke her. Made her run away.
“We need to talk,” Laura says to my father who turns and heads toward his office.
Dismissing her just like he does me. The only difference is she follows behind him like a lost puppy where I’d go drown myself in a bottle of whiskey.
“Nothing to talk about, honey. It’s all in the past. Everything is fine now.” His tone is tight, and as they drift farther away, I make my move, heading up the stairs and to her bedroom.
I’m sure she doesn’t want to see me. Hell, I don’t even want to see me, but I have to apologize. I have to tell her how sorry I am. When I reach her door, I stare at it, trying to calm my erratic heartbeat. I’m antsy, and my hands shake as I grab the doorknob. It easily twists and with a light push, pops open.
She didn’t even lock it. Either she’s given up, or she doesn’t care anymore. Just thinking that I could have diminished the light inside of her has my stomach in knots and my chest aching. My eyes move to the bed where I find her sitting, legs pulled tight to her chest, arms wrapped even tighter around them. It’s like she’s giving herself the world’s biggest hug.
She doesn’t even look up as I enter the room and close the door behind me. Nor when I walk over to the bed and sit on the edge of it.
“I’m sorry, Ava. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ve disappointed you and myself. I… I hurt you and that wasn’t…” I don’t even finish the thought because it was my intention, it had been all along. I wanted to hurt her, but only because I thought she was the cause of my pain, my misery.
“Don’t lie. You wanted to hurt me.” She lifts her head, tear-streaked cheeks and watery eyes coming into view. “You wanted to see me broken and you promised to do it. Well, you’ve succeeded. Vance Preston has broken another girl’s heart. Congratu-fucking-lations.”
The bitterness in her voice feels like small knives digging into my skin.
“I won’t lie. I did want this. I wanted you broken and hurt, but that was…” It feels like I’m going to barf. “That was before I realized it wasn’t you that did this, that caused my misery.”
“I told you it wasn’t me,” she croaks, more tears slipping down her face. I want to take her into my arms and kiss the pain away. My body reacts to that thought before I can stop it and like a crazed animal, Ava slaps at my hands.
“Don’t touch me,” she grits out. “Don’t ever touch me again.”
Then she shoves me hard, her tiny hands burning into my chest. And for the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. Her balled up fists rain down on my chest like hail falling from the sky, but I can’t bring myself to stop her. I want her to hurt me. I want to feel every ounce of pain that she feels. Somewhere in the back of my head, words form, and I know I need to say them even though I don’t understand why or how I feel them.
I don’t deserve her, but I have to tell her.
“I love you, Ava. I love you,” I whisper into her ear, unable to stop myself from wrapping my arms around her.
She laughs humorlessly, struggles in my grasp and bucks against my hold. I just want to hold her, to glue all the broken pieces back together again.
“Well, I hate you,” she growls, and then lifts her knee, hitting me hard in the nuts.
I release her immediately, pain radiating through my cock and up into my stomach. I grab onto my balls, gritting my teeth through the pain as she stares down at my hunched over form.
“Love isn’t supposed to hurt, Vance. If you loved me, then you would’ve believed me. You wouldn’t have had to wait to hear the truth from your father. I’ve been telling the truth all along. I gave you no reason to believe that I was a liar. So you can think that you love me all you want, it’s too little too late.”
Fuck, I knew it would hurt to hear her say something like this, but I never expected for it to feel this bad. The blood in my veins turned to tar, struggling to make my heart beat. I’d never regretted anything in my life as much as I regret hurting her.
“I’m…” My voice cracked, and her pretty lips, the ones I so badly wanted to kiss even right now curled, anger spiraling out of her, filling the space between us with heavy heartache.
“I don’t want to hear your apologies, in fact, if you’re truly sorry then prove it by leaving me alone. My life was perfectly imperfect before you came along, and it will be long after you. You might have broken my heart, but you will never break me.”
She doesn’t need me.
She doesn’t want me.
I knew that before I walked into her bedroom but hearing it and thinking it are two different things. Then again, I wasn’t selfish enough to worry about that right now. It’s a mere blip on my radar. I just wanted her to know how sorry I am. So fucking sorry…
“I’ll make it up to you.”
I straighten, my nostrils flaring as I breathe through the pain in my balls. She wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand and swallows, her throat bobbing as she does.
“Don’t.” Disdain as dark as the night sky drips from that one single word. “I don’t need or want your half-hearted apology.” She shoves me backward and I nearly trip over my feet. It feels like I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff, my life in her hands. “You can stop pretending to care. Leave me alone.” She shoves me again, and this time, I take the hint and walk away, retreating backward toward the door.
With my heart in my stomach, I look at her one last time, vowing to do whatever I can to make this right. I won’t stop, not until I’ve righted every one of my wrongs.
“I can’t take the words back, Ava. I love you. I loved you for a while, I know you won’t believe me, but I knew it the moment I kissed you. I felt it deep in my soul. I’ve hurt you, fucked up beyond measure but I’ll fix this. I swear to you I’ll make this right, or I’ll die trying.”
“Go find Sarah or someone else that gives a fuck.” She sobs, and my heart shatters into a million pieces.
“I don’t want anyone but you. Only you,” I whisper, closing the door after I exit it.
Chapter Nineteen
Ava
“Ava!” Clark’s voice carries through the trees as he calls out to me. Ignoring him, hoping he’ll go away, I increase my pace to get away as fast as I can. All I want to do is go to classes, come home, and go to sleep. It’s been one week since my mental breakdown with Vance and it seems to be getting easier and easier every single day.
Heavy footfalls sound against the sidewalk behind me, and I sigh into the air knowing it’s a lost cause. Clark is faster and taller, so what’s the point in running. I slow to a walk, and he comes up from behind me, cutting me off with his body. Clark’s a big boy, tall, and breathtaking even, but he’s still an asshole, and he’s best friends with Vance, so that alone makes him the enemy. Crossing my arms over my che
st, I stare at his firm chest with annoyance.
“If Vance put you up to this, you can tell him to fuck off.”
Clark is mid-stretch, the shirt he’s wearing riding up and showing off his well-defined physique. For one singular moment I’m distracted. Then my eyes catch on his face, a knowing grin forms on his lips.
“Checking me out?”
“In your dreams.”
“Yes Ava, in my dreams I dream of you… on your knees, between my…”
“Stop!” I slap his arm and he laughs.
“Vance didn’t put me up to this. I’m truly sorry and wanted to treat you to an excessive amount of carbs.”
I tilt my head as if it will tell me how genuine he’s being. “Why do I feel like you’re lying to me?”
He shakes his head, a few of the longer strands of dark brown hair fall into his face. He needs a haircut, and to leave me the hell alone.
“I don’t know, but I’m not.” His tongue darts out over his bottom lip, and he turns on that smoldering look that makes all the women’s panties go poof. He reminds me of Vance so much that it’s almost sickening and I’m done with being everyone’s punching bag. Done with being treated like shit.
“I’ll pass. I don’t have room for self-absorbed assholes in my life.” I shoulder past him and continue walking, but being the persistent asshole he is, he continues to follow me.
“Look, I’m sorry. I was only being a friend to him. He told me you lied to him. How was I supposed to know what the hell was going on?”
“Maybe ask me?” I yell, louder than necessary, drawing the attention of a few lingering bystanders. Clark cuts in front of me again and I almost run into him, stopping a foot short of actually doing so.
Clenching my hand into a fist, I feel this sudden urge to punch him in the face. I’m tired of being shoved around, of being mocked, and called a liar. I don’t want their apologies… I want their silence. I want peace.
“Just, let me apologize. Let me take you to have pizza. Remember how much fun we had last time?” Clark smirks that panty-melting smile of his and I hate myself for recalling the laughter, and fun we had, because truly we did have a great time that night, and as friends only.
Which is something I know he doesn’t do with anyone that’s a female. Stupidly, I care about Clark, but not in the way one would think. He’s more of a little brother to me, an annoying, rude, cocky little brother.
“Don’t make me beg. I will drop down to my knees in front of everyone. I don’t care if it makes a scene, I’ll do it.”
I can feel my cheeks heating with embarrassment at the thought. Clark’s all about making a scene and I know he’ll do it.
“No!” I say in a panic, wrapping a hand around his wrist when he makes an attempt to drop down to his knees. “Jesus, no. Don’t draw any more attention to us. You standing here talking to me draws enough attention as it is.”
“That sounds like a compliment, A.” He wiggles his thick eyebrows.
As angry as I am over everything that happened, I can’t place the blame on Clark. He befriended me, took me out, spent time with me, and even stuck up to Vance in my honor.
Plus, it’s not him I really want to hurt, it’s Vance.
Rolling my eyes, I try and hide the smile pulling at my lips. “Carbs are my weakness.”
“I know, that’s why I’m using them. Thank God you have a kryptonite.” He sighs like he’s been spending all afternoon trying to get me to go with him.
Dramatic much.
“No Vance?” I ask, placing my hands on my hips.
He nods. “No Vance.”
My gaze narrows. “If you’re lying to me and he shows up, I get to throat punch you.”
He beams. “Fine. One throat punch if he shows up. But what do I get if he doesn’t?”
This flirtatious shit has got to stop.
“To live?”
His face deadpans. “You wound me, Ava, you legit shoot me down every single time. It’s like you’re immune to my charm or something.”
“That’s because I am.”
Looking hurt, he asks, “So, it’s a date?”
“Not a date, Clark, but yes I suppose I can go with you for pizza. As friends, only friends, nothing else,” I sigh, and Clark does this weird little shimmy of excitement.
“I’ll message you the deets,” he says before giving me a quick hug. I shove at his shoulders and he releases me. Clark is too much, and knowing he’s Vance’s best friend, I should stay away, far, far, away, but for some reason, I can’t.
I don’t hate Clark. Clark isn’t the reason for my pain, my heartache.
Vance is, and I should probably remind myself of that often, so I don’t fall down the rabbit hole and into another trap.
◆◆◆
I finish classes and head home to change before heading out to meet up with Clark. When I enter the foyer, I hear voices, they’re muffled, but like always, carry through the house. Ignoring them, or trying too, I grab a bottle of water and granola bar from the kitchen. I try and make my mind go blank, try and forget that he exists, but my foot hits the bottom step of the stairs at the same time Vance’s voice shatters through my resistance.
“I’ll bury you. I will fucking bury you so deep you won’t be able to breathe. You did this to me, and you’ll pay. All these years I blamed her. I said things... I…” Vance sounds hurt, heartbroken even, and though I want him to feel that way, there’s a pang of sadness that ripples through me at the thought.
“You’re kids, it doesn’t matter. I’m sure she’ll forget the things that you said.” His father’s intolerable voice meets my ears next.
“We’re not just kids,” Vance yells, the venom in his words shatters me. He’s more than angry, he’s on the verge of exploding. “And what happened all those years ago was because you and Laura couldn’t keep your hands off each other. So while you might be able to blame Ava and me in your heads, we both know that you were the ones fucking.”
A gasp escapes my lips and I bring my hand to my mouth. I’ve never heard him talk to his father like that before.
There’s a loud slapping noise, and I hold my breath, anxiously waiting to hear what is going to be heard next. I told myself I didn’t care, that I wouldn’t fall for Vance ever again, but the truth is I’m not over him, not even close. My body craves his touch, craves his cruel words, his venomous rage. I’ve come accustomed to him, and like a drug, I can’t get enough.
“Fuck with her, touch a single hair on her body and I’ll ruin you. Do you hear me?” Vance’s voice finally cuts through the silence.
“Yes, I’ve got it,” Henry says.
The squeaking of a door opening has me barreling up the stairs, two at a time until I reach my room. I slip inside, closing the door softly behind me.
What was that? Was Vance protecting me from his father? I don’t understand. I growl in frustration, sinking down onto the edge of the mattress. Ripping open the granola bar, I shove pieces into my mouth, because there’s nothing else to do.
I try not to think about what I just heard. I try and remind myself that Vance doesn’t really care about me, not like I care about him. He would’ve believed me if he did.
But the fact that he stuck up to his dad for me, the fact that he went against his own father… it resonates in me. It’s in no way worthy of forgiveness, but it shows he’s trying...that he… “I love you, Ava…” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve repeated that inside my head. I can’t tell you how true I wish it was.
No! No, be strong, don’t fall for it. Don’t fall into his trap. He doesn’t care about you.
Actions speak louder than words, my brain says. Ugh, my heart and my mind want two different things. He called me a liar after I confessed to him the truth. Maybe he didn’t fully believe me, but he could’ve asked, he could’ve come to me if he had questions.
But he didn’t, he believed his father…
Tears fill my eyes. Feeling the need to do something, anything, I
open my laptop and prepare to finish my English paper. But as soon as I click on the Word document, a new page opens. What the hell? Anger replaces the slightest bit of remorse I was just feeling. I check the trash icon and all the folders inside my homework file.
There’s nothing… not a single thing.
He didn’t. I stare at the screen. My eyes piercing the screen, willing the document that’s no longer there, that I spent hours typing up to reappear. All the work is gone, disappeared, missing… the proof is right in front of me and I still don’t want to believe it.
He did this, he deleted it all. Tears slip from my eyes, and I wipe them away as fast as they fall. I can’t cry for him anymore. He’s done so many things to hurt me, break me, and crying even one more tear for him isn’t right. It’s wrong, so wrong. He doesn’t deserve my tears, my pain, my sadness. He deserves nothing… I’ll never forgive him for hurting me like this.
Never.
Chapter Twenty
Vance
Clark better be right about her showing up here tonight, or else I’m going to be using my fists to rearrange his face. Not really, but I’m feeling a little on edge with all the shit going on, so a fight wouldn’t be a bad idea. Bloodying someone’s face seems like fun right about now. My life is starting to feel like an atomic bomb that’s waiting to go off.
Tick tock. Tick tock.
An explosion is coming, and I need to be ready for it, but I also need to make shit right with Ava. Never in my life have I tried more for a girl, but then again, Ava isn’t just any girl, she is the girl.
Ava has been avoiding me at all cost. She told me through her mother that if I come in or near her room, she will move out immediately. I tried to ‘run into her’ at school, but she somehow managed to outsmart me. I haven't seen her in days and it’s fucking killing me.