Addicted to the Alien

by Sabrina Kade

  “So you bitches were talking about me,” I say accusingly, but Kansas shakes her head.

  “The aliens are wising up. They’re using your dedication to us against you. It’s a challenge for them just like it’s a challenge for us all to stay together. And now when we have a chance to find happiness, together or apart, you’re throwing it away because you're scared of what happened to Washington. More importantly, scared of relying on someone you didn’t manipulate to be your supposed family member. You’re afraid to rely on someone who you feel doesn’t owe you.”

  My mouth goes dry. The field starts to spin in a haze of blues, pinks, and purples. My stomach churns, but I swallow down the bile that wants to escape. Is that what they think? They all think this? They think I’m afraid of loving Drozass because he won’t owe me anything? The thought makes me sick. I’m going to throw up if I don’t get away from all of them now. I stumble backward, clutching my stomach because I’m terrified of retching all over them. “I need to lay down. I’ve got… I’ve to get away.”

  “You mean run away?” Alaska asks, shaking her head.

  “You don’t need to,” Kansas says, going to reach for me. “Come on. We can talk about this—Arizona!”

  I spin and start to run. I haven’t run in a long time, but Alaska’s right, even though I’ll never admit it. I need to run. I need to get away. In the span of a few moments, I feel as though my entire being has been thrown to the ground and stomped on by the people I care about most. I push myself, sprinting away from the lairs. I don’t even know the direction I’m headed in, but I don’t care. If I get lost, who cares? I only like people if I feel they owe me. If something eats me, who cares? Apparently, I only care about people I feel like I own.

  “Oh God,” I grumble, falling to a stop and resting my hands on my knees so I can throw up into the grass. It’s mostly liquid, but I still feel like shit. I stagger away from the mess, wiping my mouth as frustrated tears fall from my eyes. I never knew they felt that way about me. I never would have guessed. But it makes sense. Drozass would be different than Kansas, Alaska, or Dakota because I wouldn’t be in charge of him. I wouldn’t own him. I’d put my heart on the line, with the promise of getting everything or nothing in return. The thought leaves me shattered.

  If he loves me, great. But what if he doesn’t? He has no ties to me — no reason to stay.

  I can’t give him safety. He has it. I can’t provide him with security. He has it. Everything that I value is something he already has, and the only currency I can offer is what he doesn’t want me throwing around anyway.

  I collapse into the grass, pulling my knees up to my chest, willing my mind to settle down. I don’t want to think about anything. It was so easy to blame Drozass’ age. My desire to stay with my family members. My drive to keep my title as the best at what I do. It was challenging to think about my guilt over Washington. But what was pointed out to me only moments ago hurts so much worse because I considered them my girls. My sisters. My family.

  Another sob escapes, and I remain in the trees, losing track of time. Maybe it’s been a few minutes. Maybe an hour.

  But, now that I’m more settled, I realize with horror that something’s followed me here. I don’t know what, but I hear footsteps in the distance. I lift my head and wipe my tears away with the back of my wrist, wondering which of my girls came out here to check and make sure I’m all right. There’s a shadow moving, but it’s too big to be Dakota or even Alaska. Quickly, I rise to my feet. The silhouette heading my way is enormous. Sidyth.

  “Drozass?” The name escapes my lips without permission, and I realize my voice is still raspy from crying. I narrow my eyes, trying to get a better look as the shadow freezes, and horror falls upon me. It’s not Drozass. It’s someone else. Exer roams around the woods. Dolan, too. Maybe one of them heard me sobbing and came to check and make sure I’m okay. Honestly, I don’t care who it is… until I see who it is, and my entire body wilts. “Chocal?”

  The shadow pushes away the last of the large trees away, looming over. “So it is you.”

  I frown up at him. “What are you doing here?”

  “I could ask you the same question,” he says, grinning as he looms ever closer. “It’s dangerous out here, you know.”

  “I do know.” As he takes the final steps between us and his skin brushes up against mine, I freeze, hoping he doesn’t have any ill intentions.

  “I’m not going to rape you,” he says, as though reading my mind. The idea looks as though it disgusts him. Or maybe I disgust him. I tell myself that I don’t care.

  “So what are you doing here?”

  He shrugs. “I don’t spend all my time around the lairs. Remember, I didn’t always hang around your males.” He breaks out into a grin. “I’m surprised to find you out here alone, though. Aren’t you usually with—”

  “I’m not with Drozass all the time.”

  “I was going to say those other females. Alaska. Kansas. Dakota.” He breaks out into another grin. “They are your family members, yes?”

  “I thought they were,” I say, immediately regretting my words. “Nevermind. It’s nothing.”

  “Humans always say the opposite of what they mean, yes?” He leans down, trying to make eye contact, but I quickly turn away, and he chuckles. “You can talk to me, you know. I don’t enjoy spreading words that were said to me in confidence.”

  “I have nothing to say to you.”

  “I think you are still plagued by the same problems as our last conversation, yes?” he guesses, reaching for me, but I quickly evade his long, clawed fingers. “Once again. The opposite. So you are still worried about being weak, yes?”

  “No.”

  He chuckles once more, and I’m so enraged that I think about trying to get away and go back to the lairs. But the moment I spin, Chocal catches my arm and pulls me back to him. He’s strong. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Though he’s a slender build, he’s still a good three or four inches taller than Hujun or Drazal. As my body slams up against Chocal’s, I’m afraid of what his next move will be. I’m helpless to stop him from kissing me and touching me. Doing anything more. But he merely continues to stare down, as though searching for the answers to his questions through my eyes. “Let me go,” I try, though I’m sure I don’t sound the least bit forceful.

  “No.”

  He pulls me ever closer, still staring down directly into my eyes. I feel so helpless and afraid under his intense, dull, golden gaze, and never have I longed for Drozass so deeply. He’s rough, but never cruel. I don’t like the look in Chocal’s eyes, though he never does anything more than hold my arm. He doesn’t lick his lips and doesn’t try to touch me. He’s searching for something or waiting for something. I can’t even tell, but I don’t want him to find it. Trying to catch him off guard, I yank my arm, but his grip is firm.

  “There is nothing wrong with being weak.” His voice is low, but not nearly as deep and rumbling as other Sidyths.

  “I’m not weak.”

  “You are. You should learn to be okay with it.”

  “Stop calling me weak.”

  “You think you are not weak?” He leans in closer. “Then try to escape me. Use all your might. Fight. Struggle.” His eyes lift away, and he shakes my arm above my head. “Show me you are not weak. Escape.”

  Rage works its way through my blood, but not enough to give him what he wants. I won’t fight him. I won’t struggle. I try gently pulling my arm back lower, but Chocal leaves it above my head.

  “Fight,” he whispers. “Show me.”

  “No. Seriously, Chocal, what do you actually want from me?”

  He shrugs. “Want from you? What do you mean? I told you. Fight. Struggle. Prove that you are not weak.” He lowers his face once more, and I fight him off, thinking he’s going to kiss me, but his lips stop just short of my ear. “I heard them talking, you know. On my way out here. I heard those other females. They pity you, you know.”

  Hea
t and embarrassment take over my face, all desire to remain calm forgotten. “No, they don’t. We spoke. They want me to be happy—”

  “Will giving in to a Sidyth male truly make you happy?” he challenges, loosening his grip. I jump away, but I can’t bring myself to run. Deep down, I don’t think he’ll chase me. “You’re used to power, Arizona. Are you ready to give that all away for a male? One who thinks females are weak?”

  “Drozass doesn’t think that way.”

  His expression turns fierce. “All male Sidyths think that way,” he hisses. “You’re a fool if you think otherwise. I thought that you of all females would understand that. I thought you were different than the others.”

  “What does it matter if I am or not?”

  “I suppose it doesn’t.” He shrugs, almost losing any momentum he was holding on to and takes a slow step backward. “You’re not who I thought you were.”

  “Is that so? Who do you want me to be?”

  “Nothing.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I apologize. You probably think I am horrible, yes?”

  “I guess you can say that.” I’m confused by the sudden change in his behavior, but I’m not about to say anything about it. I’m no longer as frightened. “So you thought that because I was a top working whore that I’d be different, huh?”

  “I didn’t believe it. But I figured it was worth a shot to find out. You’re just like the rest.”

  His words sting, but I don’t want him to know that. “Maybe I want to find happiness as much as anyone else.”

  “If you say so. But, if you ever realize your wants are dangerous, and ever need to clear your head, let me know. It is dangerous to be this far from the lairs without an escort.”

  “Y-yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”

  He takes another step backward, and finally, his hulking form is no longer completely leaning over mine. My entire body relaxes at the sight. I don’t mind giant aliens, but Chocal is honestly one of the largest I’ve ever seen. It almost doesn’t make sense. In fact, “H-hey, Chocal?”

  “What?” His back is to me now.

  “Are you a hybrid?”

  His shoulder bunch up together in a flash and then immediately relax to normal as he turns. “Am I what?”

  “A hybrid.”

  His eyes narrow. “Why would you ask me that?”

  “I couldn’t help but notice you’re a lot bigger than the rest of the Sidyths. And…” I point at his shirt, “you’re the only one who isn’t roaming around with tiny shorts.”

  “The weather doesn’t agree with me here,” he says, frowning.

  “What about my earlier question? Are you a hybrid?” After everything that’s happened, I guess I’m a glutton for punishment because while I should be running away, I’m curious and ready to ask the questions it seems no one else has been brave enough to. “You’re obviously a Sidyth, but are you… uh, mixed with something else?”

  “Arizona,” he says, voice dropping to a surprisingly low decibel, “they were talking about you. I heard them. Doesn’t that bother you? Knowing that your supposed family members pity you?”

  I narrow my eyes, wishing I didn’t believe him, but a small part of me still remembers what happened. They do pity me. They must. And now I’m thinking about seriously considering being mated with Drozass? Is Chocal right? Does that make me weak? Too much has happened. I remember what Chocal just said, about a place to think and clear my head. I’m so tempted to take him up on his offer. Maybe some time, any time away from Drozass, my sisters, and even the happily families would be a good thing.

  “I know it bothers you,” he continues, leaning back over me. “For me, it’s difficult to keep a clear head when others surround me. That is why I leave. It is suffocating, yes? To be constantly surrounded by others. Constantly feeling as though you are being judged. Judging others. When was the last time you were alone, Arizona?”

  I consider his words. “I don’t know. I’m always with my girls. Even if I’m alone in a room waiting for a client, I can hear them. I’m never alone.”

  “That must be hard sometimes. Even for someone who needs to be around others.”

  “I don’t need to be around people,” I say, growing defensive.

  Chocal chuckles. “Yes, yes. The opposite rule goes into effect once more.”

  “I don’t need to be around people,” I hiss, wishing that someone, anyone would come. Or I dared to run away. As it is though, I’m drawn to Chocal and his strange offer. “Where can I go to be alone?”

  “Exer’s clearing with his animals—”

  “Further that that,” I say, trying to build up my courage. “I can go further.”

  “Alone? You?” He shakes his head. “I don’t think you could do it.”

  “I can do anything alone. I don’t need the girls. The girls need me, Chocal.”

  He grins, revealing two large canines instead of the standard four for the rest of the Sidyths. He appears to think something over, and though I’m probably an idiot for taking him up on his challenge, he’s right. I haven’t been alone for a long time. I’ve always been with someone. I’ve always kept others around me. What would the girls think if they found out I didn’t need to be around them for a few days? Would they pity me then? What if Drozass learned that I took a little personal vacation, without him? Would he think I’m so desperate for his company then? The thought of others worrying about me for a change brings an unsettling smile to my face as Chocal finally reaches the answer he’s searching for.

  “Do you enjoy hot springs, Arizona?”

  “Hot springs?” A memory from back home comes to mind. A tub with steaming hot water. Outside. Jets and jokes. “Like, honest to God, hot springs?”

  Chocal nods. “Up north. Ask Sloane about it if you want. It is dangerous for any Sidyths to be there for an extended period, but it would be fine for a human. There are cliffs and shelters and plenty of hot water to warm you. Can you build fires?”

  “Yes. I mean, I’m sure I could learn.”

  “I could provide you with a travel sun rayer. That would be more than enough in a cave.” He waves a large hand over his head. “You could go there. Take a few rotations to think. Clear your head. Even the neediest need time away from others, yes?”

  “I don’t need others.” I look up at his hand, and then over it toward the mountains in the distance. Snow tips the mountain tops. It reminds me of people taking holiday vacations. But only in movies. I’ve never done it myself. And the past few years of my life haven’t exactly been filled with time alone and seclusion. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m interested. Intrigued. I look up at Chocal. “How do I know it’s safe?”

  “Like I said. You can speak to Sloane about it. Are you afraid of going alone? Perhaps you could ask one of your female companions—”

  “No,” I hiss.

  “You could ask Drozass—”

  “I want to go alone. I’m good at following directions. If you tell me how to get there, I can figure it out myself. I don’t need anyone.”

  His expression shifts to curiosity. “When would you go?”

  “Whenever I damn well feel like it.”

  Chocal smiles, and for the first time, it doesn’t seem like a condescending expression. He looks impressed. Admiration. His look reminds me more of what I’m used to. Arizona isn’t one to be fucked with, and for the first time, I feel like my old self. Not so lost in the haze of Drozass’ sex appeal. Not drowning in the guilt of what happened with Washington. No, now I’m thinking about myself.

  What’s best for me is what’s best for my girls.

  And who knows? Maybe it’ll be what’s best for Drozass, too.

  All worries float away in a surprising flash at the idea of spending some time alone at the hot springs. I love it so much I can barely contain excitement. Chocal is babbling, but I barely pay attention. I’m already thinking about when I can go, who I would tell, and how long I would stay. If anyone cares, excellent. If no one cares
, then I guess I’m better off alone.

  But then… I genuinely think about Drozass.

  He’s never been anything but kind to me. Patient. Relentless. Is it fair for me to run away without telling me what I’m doing? I’ve already seen first-hand how much Sidyths care for their mates, and that’s the one part of Chocal’s story I’m not buying. I do think the males here are different. But still, I can’t shake away that feeling of unease. Drozass will be hurt. He’ll think my departure will have something to do with him.

  And in a way, I guess it does.

  “Shall we head back? Or would you like to work out the details right now?” Chocal’s voice breaks through my concentration, and I blink stupidly. “It’s getting dark. If we’re going to stay here, we should head to a cave—”

  “Let’s head back,” I say, no longer feeling anything but anxious excitement about leaving and doing something on my own. “Chocal, this conversation is just between us. Can I trust you?”

  “Have I given you any reason not to?”

  “You did grab me back there and order me to fight you,” I remind him.

  “Ahh, yes. I suppose I did. Well then, what would help you trust me?”

  “Answer my question from earlier.”

  His eyes narrow. In the moonslight they’re murky. Practically gray. “What does it matter if I am hybrid or not? How would that earn my trust?”

  “Because I’d like to know.”

  “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather know another secret? A more valuable one?”

  It’s a trick. I’m sure it is, so I immediately shake my head. “No. I want to know if you’re a hybrid. Oh! And what you’re mixed with,” I tack on at the end, thinking maybe this is what he was hinting at anyway.

  Chocal shrugs. “As you wish. No one can say I didn’t offer. Yes, I am hybrid,” he says, motioning for me to follow him.

  “And you’re Sidyth and what else?”

  He tells me. It doesn’t fully translate, but I don’t let Chocal to know that. He thinks I know, and that’s good enough. It’s a secret. I doubt the others know. And so I consider us even.