Sketch Comedy Writing
Page 7
PAULA: Oh. Ok. I can’t believe you found an actual movie theatre that’s still open.
ROBERTA: Not just ANY movie theatre. This is where we saw Episode 1.
PAULA: Oh… (she looks around) I kinda liked that one.
ROBERTA: (pointedly) I know. … Episode 7!
PAULA: Episode 7.
ROBERTA: I’m so excited.
PAULA: Yes, yes… I know.
ROBERTA: It’s starting!
(They sit. Roberta in the middle. Paula sits SR, leaving the SL stool empty.)
(They look at the empty stool for a moment. Roberta puts her hand on her mother’s arm.)
(The Lights dim. The Star Wars music begins.)
(They nestle in together and watch the movie. Then Robert holds her belly up to the screen to so the baby can hear.)
BLACK OUT
Parody
G.O.Please
Written By: Laura Rose Cook, Frank Logan, Ellen Ko, Chris O’Neill, Israel Savage, IN Studios
LIGHTS UP
(Three sad republicans enter the stage, as Sarah McLachlan’s In the Arms of the Angel plays in the background. Enter Sarah).
SARAH: Every day in America, thousands of creatures suffer from cruelty and neglect. Some have been rescued, but for hundreds of others, it’s too late. And no, I’m not talking about animals.
JOE: I was a POW in Vietnam, Now I’m just a POP - Prisoner of my Party.
SARAH: Will you be an angel for a helpless Republican?
JANE: As a Republican woman, I feel like a living oxymoron.
SARAH: Hundreds of Republicans are being abused, beaten, and neglected. They’re crying out for help.
TIM: I want to remember the good old days when we stood united — in hatred against Obama.
SARAH: The once proud party that gave us Lincoln and Reagan, is now in shambles. Call the Republican Rescue Society today. With your donation of just $27 a month, you too can help give disenfranchised Republicans a second chance, and help them find a party that they can call home.
(The three republicans gather around the host, looking sad. As the lights fade, the republicans make sad dog-whining sounds).
BLACK OUT
WATCH G.O.PLEASE HERE
Satire
Gay Wall
Written By: Liz Parish, Scotty Watson, Mary Hynes, and Cail Jameson, Israel Savage, IN Studios
LIGHTS UP
(Two sisters are on either side of a space fence (made of stools?). They are talking to each other through the fence. The sister on the straight side of the fence has on a scarf and sunglasses, like she is hiding. She is very conservative but is secretly visiting her sister.)
ANNOUNCER: It’s the year 2019. All homosexuals have been separated from the population and moved to an internment camp. Visiting the camp is strictly prohibited and punishable by law.
CHRISTINA: (Christina looks around to make sure no one sees her) I brought you something. Is there a hole somewhere?
SARA: Over here. Careful…
CHRISTINA: (She crosses herself) God forgive me for the sin of aiding a homosexual.
Christina passes a basket of food through the hole. The fence is electrified. It’s like a game of “Operation” where they both try not to get electric shocks but do. We hear “ouch,” “careful,” etc.
SARA: (opening the basket) Your green bean Church casserole (she is touched by her sister’s gesture) Thank you, that was thoughtful.
CHRISTINA: I’m worried about you. I figured you’re not getting proper nutrition over there.
SARA: Oh… we’re doing pretty nicely food wise. We’ve got Jamie Oliver, Anne Burrell, Cat Cora … and don’t tell anybody… we’ve got Paula Deen now.
CHRISTINA: (Sniffs the air) Really? I smell gruyere.
SARA: Yup, she deep fries it. It’s delicious. Have a taste.
CHRISTINA: I can’t eat gay cheese.
SARA: The cow is straight. Here taste…
She passes the cheese through the fence. The whole “operation” thing happens with “careful” and “ouch,” etc.
CHRISTINA: (she crosses herself and then eats the cheese) Wow, that is good. The only restaurant we’ve got left is Chick-fil-A.
SARA: (laughs) You look good.
CHRISTINA: Oh please, I look awful. My roots. All the salons had to close. No more hairdressers.
SARA: I like the gray. It’s very god fearing.
CHRISTINA: I brought you another surprise.
(She passes a bag through the wall. It’s another round of the “Operation” game with shocks, etc.)
SARA: (Taking it out of the bag) You knitted me a sweater.
CHRISTINA: (whispering) I made it in Church. I was worried you were cold. I know it’s a bit dull. They only sell muted colors now.
SARA: Thank you. I love it, and it’ll look great with the Kaftan that Isaac Mizrahi made for me.
CHRISTINA: Mizrahi?
SARA: Yeah, I live in the fashion compound. Mizrahi lives next door. We’ve got Karl Lagerfeld, Alexander Wang, Dolce and Gabbana.
CHRISTINA: Bloomingdales had to close.
SARA: Wow, that’s rough.
CHRISTINA: You guys got everything, even the rainbows.
SARA: Yup, we also got the blue skies, soft rain and winter snow.
CHRISTINA: I just don’t see how winter snow is homosexual. It’s part of Christmas.
SARA: It’s the frolicking.
CHRISTINA: I see.
SARA: Christina, why don’t you come over here?
CHRISTINA I couldn’t. It’s a mortal sin.
SARA: You don’t have to actually do it. Just think it.
CHRISTINA: Impure thoughts are enough?
SARA: Absolutely! You know … Portia de Rossi is gay. (seductively) And Melissa Etheridge … Jodie Foster … Cynthia Nixon.
(The gay alarms start to go off.)
ANNOUNCER: Code rainbow! Code rainbow!
(The alarm continues. The sisters smile at each other. Guards come out and take Christina.)
SARA: (yells to Christina as they are taking her away) I’ll save you a seat at dinner.
BLACKOUT
WATCH GAY WALL HERE
The Absurd Sketch
The Second Date or The Pot Pie
Written By: Irene Carroll, IN Studios
LIGHTS UP
(A fancy French Restaurant. JOY & HENRY are seated at a cozy table.
JOY: HENRY, this place is so romantic.
HENRY: Yelp users gave it great reviews.
JOY: Ummm… I think I am going to have the Chicken Pot Pie.
HENRY: A Pot Pie? Really?
JOY: Yah. It’s warm and homey. I bet it’ll be great.
HENRY: Well, I am ready to order.
PP: Are you ready to order?
(Her/His quick appearance has taken them a bit by surprise)
HENRY: Yes. The Lady, will have the Pot Pie and I will have a Kobe Steak- Medium Rare.
PP: With the bone marrow?
HENRY: Yes. Please.
(PP nods & “Exits…” but returns Right away)
PP: Your food madam. Your food sir. (exit)
JOY: This looks great.
HENRY: Yah, it does.
(They are about to dig in, once PP suddenly returns with a Spoon)
PP: Madam. (JOY and HENRY waiting). There was a problem in the kitchen and it seems there is a Rat residing in your Pot Pie.
(JOY and HENRY are flabbergasted)
JOY: …a rat?
HENRY: A RAT.
PP: If you don’t mind, would you spoon him out.
JOY: Spoon him out?
HENRY: SPOON HIM OUT.
PP: Well, it seems that said rat decided to make his home in the ramekin while in the kitchen, and well, no one wanted to bother him.
JOY: And you want me to spoon him out?
PP: If you don’t mind.
HENRY: WE DO MIND, this restaurant received 5 stars on The Yelp. I’m having a Kobe steak with bone marrow and there is a RAT in h
er Pot Pie.
PP: We didn’t want to bother him, sir.
HENRY: Was he reading a book? Was he in the middle of a dissertation? or maybe he was taking a NAP? What the fuck could he doing that you didn’t want to bother him????
PP: He seemed… busy.
HENRY: Busy.
JOY: Give me the spoon.
HENRY: NO. JOY. You don’t have to do this.
JOY: Someone has to, HENRY. Give me the god damn spoon. (She pulls out the rat.) Rat you’ve been evicted. Now get me another Pot Pie… Or rather the steak!
PP: Yes, Madam.
(JOY and HENRY breathe. HENRY picks up his spoon and is about to eat some marrow. PP begins to leave but turns back after a half a beat.)
PP: It seems some ants have decided to reside in his bone marrow. If you don’t mind.
(Produces a straw to remove ants.)
The Ritual
Written By: Izzy Church, Frank Logan, IN Studios
LIGHTS UP
BOB & CAROL, two trolls enter, opening a safe and removing a small bottle. They remove the top and drink the potion. BOB & CAROL mutate into human beings.
CAROL: Are you ready to go Senator?
(Senator looks in the mirror, fixes his tie and gestures at his reflection w/a (shoot em’ up or right back at you) pose. The Senator has a TEXAN accent.)
SENATOR BOB All ready! Game time.
BLACK OUT
WATCH THE RITUAL HERE
Character Sketches
Purely Ornamental
Written By: Ellen Ko, Sami Henry, IN Studios
LIGHTS UP
A Nursing Home.
(MRS. JENKINS sits in her wheelchair, JOCELYN enters stage pushing her medication cart.)
JOCELYN: Good morning to ya MRS. JENKINS!
MRS. JENKINS: Oh Good morning.
JOCELYN hands Mrs. her first set of pills
MRS. JENKINS: Oh thank you.
JOCELYN hands Mrs. her second set of pills
MRS. JENKINS: Oh thank you.
(JOCELYN hands MRS. JENKINS her third set of pills. MRS. JENKINS pauses before acknowledging a third time.)
MRS. JENKINS: Oh thank you.
JOCELYN: Don’t you go getting sassy with me! I’m all you’ve got. Besides these here figurines and curiosities
MRS. JENKINS: They’re not figurines they’re porcelain kittens. Those are real treasures which you know nothing about. Lady, that’s worth more than your life so I’d be careful
JOCELYN: You know, that’s probably true. If my life was worth anything, I wouldn’t be here working for you.
(Mrs Jenkins is offended)
MRS. JENKINS: I thought we were friends.
JOCELYN: Aw, MRS. JENKINS, we are friends! I enjoy working for you. But all these things are just purely ornamental. You can’t take it with you.
MRS. JENKINS: My cats?
JOCELYN: No Ma’am.
MRS. JENKINS: This little cat’s my favorite.
JOCELYN: I know you love little Martin.
MRS. JENKINS : I love it more than I love my children.
JOCELYN: Don’t go saying that!
MRS. JENKINS: Oh, I’ve thought it over and I mean it.
JOCELYN: Your children are the ones that hire me to take care of you!
MRS. JENKINS My children are selfish and useless and lazy and use me for my money and I hate looking at their little fucking faces!
JOCELYN: Aw, come on! Those are your flesh and blood!
MRS. JENKINS: All my children want to do is watch Netflix, go to microbreweries, and spend money on breast implantations.
JOCELYN: That’s what everyone loves doing these days.
(MRS. JENKINS pats JOCELYN’s chest)
MRS. JENKINS: Look at you! You’re flat chested! You know what’s right! They don’t know what’s right. They don’t have any sense.
JOCELYN: MRS. JENKINS, that’s your family. Your family is taking care of you.
MRS. JENKINS JOCELYN, I want to give you this cat.
JOCELYN: Martin!?
MRS. JENKINS: Yes.
JOCELYN: This is worth a fortune!
MRS. JENKINS: It’s worth more than your life, it’s like I said
JOCELYN: I could really turn things around with this! Go to School! MRS. JENKINS, this means so much to me. Thank you.
MRS. JENKINS: You’re welcome.
JOCELYN: Alright MRS. JENKINS, I’ll see you at lunchtime.
MRS. JENKINS: Good day JOCELYN.
JOCELYN: Good day MRS. JENKINS.
BLACKOUT
EXERCISES
The following exercises are just a few suggested by the IN Studios Head Writers…
Stream of Consciousness Writing - Israel Savage
Write for 5 minutes everyday, either in the morning when you first wake up or at night before you go to bed. Use a pen and paper. Keep a notebook by your bed. Winning here is never letting your pen stop moving for five minutes. Even if you are writing gibberish. When you don’t know what to write next, write, “I know exactly what to write.” Write that over and over if necessary. Don’t go back and read what you’ve written. This is about clearing your creative channel, no judgments.
Mirror Mirror or Gollem- Israel Savage
Caution: Lock your door before beginning this exercise to avoid embarrassment when your roomie walks in on you. Grab a pen, paper and a hand size mirror. Stare in the mirror, take subtle movements and changes in your expression and exaggerate them. Add a voice and speak a couple lines. Jot down what the characters say in your notebook. Have a conversation with them. Ask them a question like “what scares you?” Ask the question into the mirror as yourself. Then wait for the character to answer. Don’t force it or force the words, let them speak with no thoughts in your head. I’ve written entire screenplays this way! Remember to write down what your characters say as they say it, but don’t disconnect from the mirror. It’s a bit like taking notes while interviewing someone and keeping eye contact. The writing will be messy. Stay connected.
Channel Your Anger - Mike Coyne
Close your eyes, relax. What made you angry this past week? Maybe it’s something that’s happening in the news? Maybe it’s something in their own personal life? Maybe it’s something really simple? It could be as big or small as you want. Share your story out loud. Be as detailed as possible. Speak your story into a voice recorder or phone. So you can play it back for yourself. What stands out in your story when listening back? Jot down 1-3 details. There are 3 key elements to creating work: listen to the world around you, listen to yourself and write! Write a sketch based on the material you just created. Write for 10 minutes, no thinking.
Shift’n’write - Mike Coyne
Step 1: Take out a piece of paper and write two lines of dialogue with one character being A and one character being B.
Step 2: After you’re done, get up and switch seats with someone in the room. Read the sketch and add either: two more lines of dialogue or a line of dialogue and a line of stage directions.
Step 3: Rinse and repeat until everyone has gone around once.
Step 4: Have everyone read each other’s sketches.
Words aren’t that precious & collaborating is fun.
Stop the Presses - Frank Logan
STEP 1: Take 5 minutes and go through a newspaper or internet news site(s).
STEP 2: Find 3 headlines that get your attention. Maybe they make you angry or upset or happy or they make you laugh etc.
STEP 3: Write a two-person sketch based on the headline that you feel most affected by. They could have opposing viewpoints or agree. Let the headline inspire you ie. You don’t have to write the EXACT story that you have read but rather ask yourself “how does this make me feel”? or “this makes me think of…” try to use the headline somewhere in the sketch
This exercise is useful because, we write what we know and what we know is what we feel strongly about. We are at our strongest when we FEEL, that’s what makes an impression. Using the headline in t
he sketch is not only fun, but will get you used to creative thinking. Sometimes there are some guidelines imposed on us as we write and we must adhere to them.