A Million Little Lies

by Bette Lee Crosby

  Ida grinned. “Now that’s a deal I’ll happily agree to.”

  ——————

  THAT AFTERNOON SUZANNA TELEPHONED THE shop and told Colette she was going to need a few weeks off. She explained what had happened and said, “Right now my first priority is taking care of Grandma. Once she’s on her feet and feeling good, I should be able to return.”

  Colette expressed concern over Ida then told Suzanna to take whatever time she needed. “When you’re ready to come back, rest assured, your job will be waiting for you.”

  Later on, after she’d fed Annie and cleaned up the kitchen, Suzanna went from room to room straightening things, folding the comforter, placing it across the arm of the sofa, plumping the throw pillows, and wiping away a layer of nonexistent dust. As she moved through the house, she began to realize how much all of this meant to her. It was so much more than just a house. It was a home, a place where Annie was safe and happy, and Ida wasn’t a stranger she could walk away from, she was family. Real family.

  What would it hurt if Suzanna held onto the name Darla Jean? Nothing, that’s what. Once she and Bobby were married her last name was going to change anyway, so what was the harm? She could explain the situation, ask Bobby to call her Darla Jean from now on. Then she’d introduce him to Ida, and that would be the start of their becoming a family. Atlanta was less than 2 hours away. She and Bobby could split their time, three or four days a week in Atlanta, the remainder here in Cousins. Ida would forever be in her life. At their wedding she’d be given a corsage and sit in the first pew. It would be the way she’d always wanted, and, best of all, Annie would have a grandma and a daddy.

  The more Suzanna thought about it, the more convinced she became that it would work. When the excitement of such a prospect swelled in her chest, she couldn’t bear the thought of waiting another week to tell Bobby. It was foolish for people in love to go from week to week without seeing one another, without having a chance to talk things over. She grabbed her purse, fished through the side pocket, and found the business card Bobby had given her.

  She dialed the long-distance operator, said she was calling Atlanta, and gave the number on the card.

  As she waited, she tried to think through what she would say, but it was a jumble of happy thoughts running together. She wanted Bobby to feel good about this, so it couldn’t sound like a demand. Instead, she’d make it sound like the best thing ever, maybe start by inviting him to the house to meet Annie and suggest he come for Sunday dinner. She’d whisper something to the effect that for now he had to call her Darla Jean, then hopefully in time that name would roll off his tongue as effortlessly as Suzanna now did.

  When she heard the first ring, Suzanna chastised herself for such foolish thinking. Here she was, worrying about something that was nothing. Of course Bobby would be happy about such an invitation. He was Annie’s daddy; what daddy wouldn’t want to know a sweet daughter like Annie?

  A woman’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “Greene and Garrett, how may I direct your call?”

  “Robert Doherty, please.”

  Seconds later the ring sounded. She expected him to answer, so the woman’s voice startled her. Without thinking she asked, “Is Bobby there?”

  “Is this Brenda?” the voice asked.

  “Um, no. It’s Suzanna. Suzanna Duff.”

  “Sorry about that,” the young woman said and chuckled. “His wife is the only one who calls Mr. Doherty Bobby, so I thought…”

  Wife?

  Suzanna said nothing and sat there, dumbfounded.

  “Mr. Doherty is gone for the day; would you like to leave a message?”

  “No, I guess not,” Suzanna said and hung up.

  ——————

  THAT EVENING, AFTER SHE’D LISTENED to Annie’s prayers and kissed her goodnight, Suzanna went to her own room and sat on the edge of the bed with her face cradled in her hands. The man she’d held in her heart for eight years, the man who was the father of her child, had come back looking for nothing but a good time. He didn’t want her, and, worse yet, he didn’t want Annie. He was a liar, the very worst kind of liar, one who lied his way into a person’s heart. Her heart. She’d let Gregg walk away because of him and she’d been on the verge of leaving Ida, hurting her the way she herself had been hurt.

  What was the harm? she’d wondered. Now she knew. Over the years, Suzanna had told a million little lies and not once had she stopped to look back at the damage they might have done. Her shoulders shuddered, and tears fell into her palms. She cried, not because of Bobby, but because of the shame burning inside of her.

  She’d been such a fool. She’d told herself that because Bobby was Annie’s daddy, she was still in love with him, but that too was a lie. It wasn’t Bobby she’d carried in her heart all those years; it was the thought of him being Annie’s daddy. Not once had she realized that making love in the backseat of a car didn’t make a man a daddy. Years of caring, love, and dependability, that’s what made a man a real daddy.

  Gregg had offered that, and she’d thrown it away. He was a good man, he loved her and he loved Annie, yet she’d hurt him because she was too cowardly to tell the truth. She’d lied, just the same as Bobby had lied. She’d lied to Gregg and she’d lied to Ida, the two people who loved her.

  A sad truth settled in her heart. She was no better than Bobby, and perhaps he was exactly what she deserved. A liar for a liar. She brushed back the tears then went to the window and stood there thinking.

  In the shadowy moonlight, she could see the roofline of Mrs. Murphy’s house and across the street Homer Portnick’s Buick parked in the driveway. She knew the neighbors up and down the street. They waved when they saw her drive by and asked about Annie when they came into the shop. For almost nine months this place had been her home, the only real home she’d known since her mama died. She was only a few years older than Annie then, and that’s when she’d begun lying.

  Back then she’d lied to cover up the ugliness of her life, but here there was no such need. It was a good life, the kind of life a child like Annie deserved. Suzanna wanted to believe she’d done nothing wrong, that she’d simply tried to make an old woman happy, but the truth came at her like a cannon ball. She’d grown to love Ida and they had become like family, but the reality was that no matter how much she wanted to be Darla Jean Parker she was not.

  After coming face to face with the pain of Bobby’s lie, she knew she could not continue the charade she was living. Ida deserved better. She deserved to know Suzanna was not the granddaughter she’d prayed for to return. Over the months they’d spent together, they’d come to love one another. The truth was a painful way to test that love, but she had to chance it. Hopefully Ida could find it in her heart to forgive such treachery for Annie’s sake.

  Suzanna prayed she would.

  Suzanna

  Starting Over

  THURSDAY MORNING SUZANNA SHOOED ANNIE off to school and moments later left for the hospital. When she arrived, Ida was sitting up in the bed. Her face had regained its color, and the empty breakfast tray was pushed aside.

  “Looks like you’re feeling better,” Suzanna said and smiled.

  Ida gave a sheepish grin. “I’m fine now but feeling pretty ashamed about the fuss I caused.”

  Suzanna knew no amount of shame could equal what she was feeling, but she forced a lighthearted chuckle. “Nonsense, it was a simple mistake. You had no way of knowing.”

  “Well, I’ll certainly be more careful in the future. It makes me shudder to think that something terrible could have happened when poor little Annie was there all by herself.”

  “I’m the one to blame. I shouldn’t have left when you and Annie were sick.”

  Suzanna’s voice trailed off. There was so much she had to say, but now was not the time. Later on tonight, after Annie was sound asleep in the canopy bed, she would tell Ida the truth of her identity and everything would change. For now, she was still Ida’s granddaughter, and she would clin
g to every precious minute for as long as she could.

  “I brought clothes for you to wear home.” She opened the tote bag, pulled out a blue dress, and slipped it onto a hanger.

  “Underwear? And shoes?”

  “Yep, I think I’ve got everything.”

  Ida smiled. “That doesn’t surprise me one little bit. I don’t know how I managed to get along without you.”

  “I hope you always feel that way…” Suzanna might have gone on to say something more, but Dr. Bergmann came in.

  He listened to Ida’s heart, peered into her eyes, then read through the notations on her chart. “Well, it looks like you’re ready to go home,” he said. “But before I sign a release, I want you to promise you’ll get rid of those old medications. With a child in the house—”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it today,” Ida cut in. “I should have done it a long time ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of anything that belonged to Bill. Not his clothes, not his toothbrush, not even his old medicine bottles. Now with Darla Jean here to help me, it will be a whole lot easier.”

  With thoughts of what lay ahead heavy on her mind, Suzanna welcomed the chance to stay busy. On the way home from the hospital, she suggested they have lunch and then clean out the medicine cabinet.

  “Not just the medicine cabinet,” Ida said. “Everything. Including the closet and the drawers. We’ll pack up Bill’s things and take them over to Goodwill. There are people who could use those clothes, and it’s a crime for me to keep them packed away where they’re not doing anybody any good.”

  “Are you sure about this?” Suzanna asked apprehensively.

  Ida nodded. “Positive. I know it’s what Bill would have wanted.”

  That afternoon they worked together, going through each drawer, sorting the clothes according to suitability, clearing out shoes that for years had gathered dust on the floor of the closet. On one side of the bed was a pile of things to be thrown away: an old toothbrush, the chipped ashtray, gardening pants with the knees worn through; on the other side, clothes earmarked for Goodwill. Shirts packaged as they’d been when they came from the laundry, trousers with the crease as crisp as ever, a brand new leather wallet, a navy blue blazer with a Rotary Club pin still affixed to the lapel.

  Ida held the jacket in her hands for a few moments, then loosened the backing on the pin and removed it.

  “Bill was real proud of his work with the Rotary Club,” she said. “I believe he’d want me to hold onto this.” She slid the pin into her pocket then moved on to a drawer filled with socks and undershirts.

  When the bed was covered with things to be given away, Suzanna drove down to the Piggly Wiggly market and brought home a stack of cardboard cartons. One by one they packed and labeled each box: shirts, sweaters, jackets, each garment carefully inspected and neatly folded into place. When they finished, there were 14 cartons stacked along the bedroom wall.

  Suzanna grabbed the top box and started toward the door. “I’ll get these loaded into the car so we can take them over to Goodwill.” She was halfway out the door when she caught the look of sadness that had settled on Ida’s face. She hesitated a moment then turned back and said, “That is, unless you’d rather we wait a while.”

  Ida shook her head. “No, it’s better to take them now and get it over with.” As she scooped up an armful of the things destined for the trash bin, she mumbled, “Once a person is gone from your life, no amount of wishing will bring them back.”

  Although the words were not meant for Suzanna, she’d heard them and felt the sorrow hidden inside of them. As she loaded the boxes in the car, she began to wonder about the wisdom of telling Ida the truth. What purpose would it serve? Would it do nothing more than pile sorrow upon sorrow? Hadn’t Ida already suffered enough?

  By the time she’d dropped off the boxes at the Goodwill store, Suzanna had decided the truth of her identity should remain a secret. Simple as that, she’d convinced herself to stay with her story and continue being Darla Jean.

  Suzanna had no qualms with her decision and might have stuck with it were it not for what happened later that night. It was after eight o’clock, and Annie was in bed. She and Ida had settled in front of the television to watch The Real McCoys. Then when the first commercial break came on, Ida looked at her with a melancholy smile.

  “Cleaning out those drawers today made me realize something,” she said. “Something I probably should have realized long ago.”

  Unsure of what to expect, Suzanna waited.

  “There comes a point in life when you have to accept that your days on earth are numbered, and it’s time to start letting go of things. Today I saw the wisdom of that, and I’ve made a decision—”

  “What do you mean your days are numbered? Dr. Bergmann said you were fine. The other night’s episode was nothing more than a reaction to that cough medicine. There’s no need—”

  “There’s nothing wrong with me now, Darla Jean, but who knows what will happen a year from now, two years from now, or ten years from now. The thing is to be prepared, and that’s why I’ve decided to go ahead and give you this house.”

  “You decided to do what?” Suzanna sputtered.

  “To go ahead and give you this house. Of course, I’d continue to live with you and Annie, but I’d have peace of mind knowing the house will be yours when I’m gone and there will be no questions asked.”

  Suzanna stood and snapped off the television. “No. Absolutely not. I can’t allow you to even consider such a thing. Why, such talk is downright foolish. It’s—”

  “It’s realistic, that’s what it is. I’m not going to live forever, Darla Jean, and you’re the only family I’ve got. When I die, everything I own will go to you anyway. All I’m suggesting is that I go ahead and give you the house now. That way, I can rest easy knowing you’ll have a forever place to call your own.”

  Suzanna felt as though the air had been sucked out of the room. Each breath she drew felt like a sledgehammer slammed up against her chest. Until now she’d not taken anything of value from Ida; room and board, yes, but not anything she could lay claim to.

  This would change everything. This would make her a thief. No, worse than a thief, a predator who took advantage of an old woman’s love. It was wrong, so very wrong. She needed time to think, but there was no time.

  She paced back and forth for a few moments then stopped and said, “I can’t let you do this, Grandma Ida. I just can’t.”

  “What do you mean you can’t let me do it? Why not?”

  “Because I’m not really family. I’m not who you think I am.” Suzanna turned away, ashamed to let her eyes meet Ida’s. “I’m not Darla Jean.”

  She waited, thinking Ida would say something, but when there was only silence she stood looking up at the ceiling and told her story. She spoke of how on the day of William’s memorial service she’d come to the Elks Club hoping she and Annie could get a free meal, and how when Ida had mistaken her for Darla Jean she’d been too embarrassed to say otherwise.

  “I planned to leave right away, catch the next bus to New Jersey, but you were so kind to us, and we had nowhere else to go…” A sob filled her throat, and she choked on her words.

  The shame of it was greater than Suzanna had ever known, and in that moment she wanted to disappear, vanish from Ida’s sight. “I know what I’ve done is unforgivable, but I never thought it would come to this. I thought if Annie and I lived here, I could help out and—”

  A withered hand touched her shoulder, and she turned to face Ida. “I’m sorry, Ida. I’m so very, very sorry. The last thing in the world I would want is to hurt you—”

  “Then hush crying.” Ida wrapped her arms around Suzanna and tilted her face so that their eyes met. “You’re not telling me anything I didn’t already know.”

  “Didn’t you hear what I said? I’m not really your granddaughter. I am not Darla Jean.”

  The corner of Ida’s mouth curled, and her expression softened
into a smile. “I know that. I’ve known it for a long time, but I was happy having you here and didn’t see any reason to give up that happiness—”

  “You knew? When? How?”

  Ida grinned ever so slightly. “A week or so after you came, but by then I’d already fallen in love with Annie and couldn’t bear the thought of you leaving.”

  “But how? Did I say something? Do something?”

  “No, it was your eyes. You’ve got the same blue eyes Bill had. That’s why I originally thought you were Darla Jean. Then later on I got to thinking about it and remembered that baby didn’t have blue eyes. She had brown eyes like her mama.”

  “But you never said—”

  “Why would I? For the first time in a long while, there was some happiness in this house. You and Annie gave me a reason to live again, and I loved it.”

  “But you knew I wasn’t really family.”

  “There’s all kinds of families, Darla Jean. Some people are born into belonging to one another, and that’s their family. But there’s another kind of family, one created by people who love each other and are willing to hold onto what they’ve found. We’re that kind of family.”

  Suzanna stood there with tears streaming down her face. “But you don’t even know my real name.”

  “I don’t need to. I’d love you just the same regardless of what you call yourself. I love you because of the kind of person you are, not because of your name.” She reached up and wiped the tears from Suzanna’s cheek. “Now stop that crying. There’s nothing to cry about.”

  Suzanna’s breath hitched, and she sniffed back another sob. “I’m trying.”

  That evening they sat side by side on the sofa and talked until the wee hours of the morning. Suzanna told everything there was to tell: how her daddy had thrown her out of the house, how she’d moved in with Earl, and how she’d finally left to make a better life for Annie. After a fairly long silence, she also told how Bobby had come back into her life looking for nothing more than a good time.