The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age

by Robert Rankin

  The colonel glanced at Alice, who made a certain face.

  ‘Perhaps a game of Snap at my club instead,’ suggested the colonel.

  ‘Game of Snap, splendid.’ The major beckoned the colonel close and whispered into his ear. ‘I have a bag of uncut diamonds in my pocket. Worth a fortune back home. Don’t mind cutting you in for a guinea or two if you get me back to Blighty aboard the good old Marie Lloyd.’

  ‘More champagne,’ the colonel called. ‘And set another place at my table for dinner.’

  ‘It is only lunchtime now,’ grumbled Corporal Larkspur. ‘And I shalt have to asketh the major to cleareth up after his dragon. For verily it hath poopeth outside the door.’

  Colonel Katterfelto laughed somewhat at this.

  Alice whispered to him, ‘Are you intending to take the Jovians out on another hunt?’ she asked.

  ‘They will want something for their money,’ said the colonel. ‘And I have to earn mine. Sorry and all that. No help for it.’

  ‘And you intend to arm them with bows and arrows?’

  ‘Stones to throw?’ the colonel suggested. ‘Small stones. Pointy sticks, perhaps.’

  ‘Well,’ said Alice, and she peeped once more through the nearest porthole. ‘You had better make haste, then, for the sun is going down.’

  ‘What? What? What?’ went the colonel. ‘Sundown isn’t due for ninety Earth days yet.’

  But be that the case, or be it not, the sun was going down.

  ‘Ah,’ said the major. ‘I should have mentioned this. Horrid things happen in the night.’

  39

  enus could certainly boast a splendid sunset.

  The Earth folk and the Jovians oohed and ahhhed at it.

  Alice cried out in delight as the descending solar disc bloated into lemons, greens and purples.

  Cameron Bell, who stood beside her, considered Alice to be the most enchanting creature that ever there was and wished very hard that some miracle should occur that would maroon just her and he upon this world for ever. It was a mad wish, of course, and the private detective knew it. But he ached to slip his hand about her delicate shoulders and draw her close to him.

  ‘We must cherish this moment,’ said Alice, precisely reflecting Cameron’s thoughts. ‘We will probably never again see such a sight as this.’

  ‘I feel honoured to see it,’ said Cameron Bell.

  ‘Honoured,’ said Alice. ‘That is a good way to feel.’ Alice suddenly glanced all around. ‘Where did Colin the dragon go?’ she asked.

  Major Thadeus Tinker, port glass in one hand and cigar in the other, said, ‘He pops off at night.’

  Alice shrugged.

  The major continued, ‘You never actually see him go, but go he does until morning.’

  ‘It is growing rather dark now and somewhat chilly, too,’ said Alice.

  ‘And we had better go inside,’ said the major, ‘because things come that really aren’t very nice.’

  Dinner was not the jolly affair that it had been on previous occasions. All dressed formally, of course. Because, after all, dinner is dinner no matter where it might be taken, and standards must never drop. But the Jovians sat sullenly, exchanging little but surly mutterings.

  Alice, Cameron, Colonel Katterfelto, Darwin and Major Thadeus Tinker occupied a table to themselves and suddenly felt somewhat isolated. Somewhat vulnerable.

  ‘Don’t think badly of me for saying this,’ said the colonel, in a hushed yet puffing fashion, ‘but the natives are restless, as it were. Jungle drums beating. That kind of dangerous business.

  ‘What is he saying?’ Alice asked Cameron.

  ‘He is saying that he fears the Jovians might do something, how can I put this, mutinous. They have paid a lot of money to come here and shoot things. They might choose to shoot things that are other than Venusian.’

  Alice’s eyes opened wide. ‘They might shoot us?’ she said.

  ‘Word to the wise,’ said Major Tinker. ‘Chummed up with a Jovian once. Hired him as a forward scout on Mars. Used to send him out first thing to check for danger.’

  Alice raised a quizzical eyebrow.

  ‘Yes yes yes,’ said Major Tinker. ‘I could have sent an Earth fellow, I know, but you know how it is.’

  Alice thought that she probably did.

  ‘Thing was,’ the major went on, ‘he showed me some photographs of his home. Very pretty things, full colour, not the usual sepia. One was of what he called his “Recreation Room”, had all his hunting trophies up on the wall. I’m not sure he meant to show me that one. The one with three mounted human heads upon wooden shields hung over his desk.’

  ‘How perfectly frightful,’ said Alice.

  ‘That’s not the worst of it,’ said the major. ‘He had a woman, too, stuffed and posed giving a—’

  ‘That is quite enough of that,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘I would suggest that when dinner is concluded we all go directly to our cabins and lock ourselves in most securely.’

  Darwin the monkey picked at his salad and whimpered to the colonel, ‘That Jovian who made the gun-fingers at me keeps grinning in my direction,’ he said.

  ‘I’ll protect you. Have no fear, my dear fellow.’

  ‘I found the best way,’ said Major Thadeus Tinker, ‘is to pull a pillow over your head and assume the foetal position.’

  ‘This is not the time for that kind of talk,’ said the colonel.

  ‘When they come,’ said the major.

  ‘Stop it, Tinker, you saucy fellow, it’s not appropriate here.’

  ‘I mean when the ghosties come in the night,’ said Major Tinker, and his hard and horny hands shook as he said it. ‘If you can’t see them and you can’t hear them, then it’s almost as if they are not there at all.’

  Alice said, ‘This is all too awful. I am afraid of ghosts.’

  ‘Ghosts can’t hurt you,’ said the colonel. ‘Bother you, yes. But hurt you, no. Saw one on Mars once. Strangest business. Sleepin’ peacefully in me tent when I heard a kind of whooshing sound. Woke me up, you see. Went outside and damndest thing. Sort of metal box on legs, big thing, mind you, like a little house. Spaceship of some sort.’

  ‘That isn’t really a ghost, is it?’ said Darwin, who having had no personal experience of ghosties in general sought to have none in particular. ‘A spaceship is a spaceship, not a ghost.’

  ‘You’d think,’ said the colonel. ‘But think on this. The spaceship — if such it was — had the letters USA on the side. United States of America, that stands for.’

  ‘I think he is making this up,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘America is never likely to send a man into space. Americans cannot even speak the Queen’s English, for goodness’ sake.’

  There was some laughter at this. But it was a bit forced. ‘Saw the ghost of the spaceman,’ the colonel continued.

  ‘He wore one of the new atmospheric suits. But he was a ghost. His suit was white instead of the proper silver. Had his name on the breast. NASA. Odd name for a fellow, Nasa. Don’t know what to make of it at all.’

  Silence fell upon the table. No one knew just what to make of that. And when the Treacle Sponge Bastard was served, no one, it seemed, was in the mood to enjoy it.

  Brandies were drunk, cigars were smoked, then all turned in for the night.

  It would be a night to remember that nobody wished to remember.

  A small child came to Cameron Bell. A small child that he knew.

  ‘Mother does not love you,’ said this small child. ‘Mother loves me the best.’

  Cameron Bell gaped from his bunk. ‘My twin brother, Peter,’ he said.

  ‘You killed me, Cameron,’ said Peter. ‘You held my head under the water of the ornamental fountain. You killed me because Mother loved me the most.’

  ‘It was not me,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘It was Uncle Johnny. I proved it in court. It was my first case. The stains on his shirt cuffs proved it.’

  ‘He tried to pull me out and save me. But you sent him to
the gallows.’

  ‘No,’ said Cameron. ‘You have it all wrong. It was not me, I swear.

  The troops just marched past the colonel. More and more of them, but each a soldier that he knew. Each a soldier who had served under him, who had lost their life upon one campaign or another. And Jovians too marched with them. Jovian hunters were these and as each one passed they pointed a finger, coldly, at the colonel.

  Darwin hid beneath his pillow trembling terribly. He could not see the ghostly troops, but he could sense they were there.

  The white rabbit came once more to Alice.

  ‘You are not a ghost, you are a rabbit,’ said Alice.

  ‘You will never be free of Venus,’ said the white rabbit. ‘The ecclesiastics will call you to them again and again for ever.

  ‘I should be very afraid if that were to happen,’ said Alice. ‘Please tell me what I must do to make it stop.’

  ‘You must do this,’ said the rabbit and he whispered at Alice’s ear.

  ‘Oh!’ said Alice. ‘I don’t think I could do that.’

  Major Thadeus Tinker hid his head beneath his pillow. He had been through this for the last seven nights and had not enjoyed a single moment of it. Ghosties swirled about him in a fervour. The major kept his head down.

  The ghosties fairly tormented the Jovian hunters. They chased them all over the spaceship making them howl with fear.

  Ray guns would certainly have been discharged in every direction had not Colonel Katterfelto displayed another moment of foresight and had them all locked away in the gun cabinet.

  The ghosties did not bother Corporal Larkspur. He sat cross-legged upon the floor of his private quarters, surrounded by a ring of Magoniam pieces. He chanted words that were neither of Earthly nor Jovian origin and swayed backwards and forwards as he did so. Ghosties that sought to enter his cabin dissolved as dreams in sunlight.

  When the light of the sun returned to the Marie Lloyd, it poked its glistening fingers through the portholes of the starboard side and touched upon the cowering folk whose cabins faced that way.

  There was no joy to be found at all in breakfast.

  ‘I leaveth the choice up to thee and thine,’ announced Corporal Larkspur, the only inhabitant of the spaceship to look as if he had enjoyed a sound night’s sleep. ‘We can leaveth at once, assuming of course that the ignition key returneth.’ He offered a penetrating gaze to Cameron Bell, who smiled in return. ‘Or thou canst go out, armed with sticks and stones, and seek to bringeth down what game presenteth itself’

  ‘Or perhapseth just take the refund,’ Stumpy suggested.

  ‘I consulteth the contracts during the night,’ said Corporal Larkspur most convincingly. ‘No refunds canst be made.’

  The Jovians now made the surliest faces. Major Tinker had a mental image of heads upon walls. His own next to Colonel Katterfelto’s. Just below that of Corporal Larkspur.

  ‘There is one thing,’ said the major, ‘which might relieve a sticky situation.’ He drew from his pocket his pouch of uncut diamonds. ‘These fellows seem to be lying around all over the place. And Colin only guards the gold. This one alone—’ he displayed a rough gem ‘—would go for approximately ten thousand pounds at Hatton Garden.’

  And then the major stepped nimbly aside as the Jovians made for the door.

  ‘Be back by midday of the London clock,’ Corporal Larkspur called after them.

  Colonel Katterfelto shrugged. ‘I think I’ll just leave them to it this time,’ he said.

  Darwin wondered whether a few hours of diamond prospecting might prove extremely profitable. But, as Colin came suddenly lumbering by, the monkey of space decided to err on the side of caution and remain aboard the spaceship.

  ‘Would you care for a last little walk?’ Mr Cameron Bell asked Alice.

  ‘I would,’ said Alice. ‘Very much indeed.’

  They left the ship and Alice linked her arm with his. Cameron Bell sighed inwardly as he and the woman that he loved so much strolled through the sylvan glades, admiring the wonderful blooms, the colourful four-winged butterflies, the towering trees and all that lay around them.

  ‘It is very Heaven,’ said Alice. ‘I am glad you chose to walk with me, rather than loot this magical world of its diamonds.’

  Cameron Bell said nothing. His thoughts were all his own.

  Alice turned her face up to his. ‘What will you do when we return to Earth?’ she asked.

  ‘That very much depends upon how much time has passed there,’ Cameron said.

  ‘I hope not too long,’ said Alice. ‘Do you think I will top the bill at the Electric Alhambra?’

  ‘I will personally see to it that you do,’ said Mr Bell. Time passed on in its magical way. The two walked on together.

  ‘You look after me so wonderfully,’ said Alice, a little later.

  ‘Well,’ said Cameron Bell, ‘it is the wish of most men to look after someone they 1—’

  ‘What is that?’ asked Alice. Pointing as she did so. ‘I see trees and I see flowers,’ said Cameron. ‘And I lo—’ ‘Out there,’ said Alice. ‘Beyond those trees, but coming this way rather fast.’

  Cameron stared, then said, ‘Oh no. A Venusian death patrol.’

  40

  ovian hunters were lumbering back to the spaceship. Some burdened, it appeared, by considerable mineral wealth, loaded into each pocket of their big safari suits. Some carried pith helmets stuffed with emeralds. All were once more making very good speed.

  Major Tinker called to them to hurry as best they could.

  ‘They’ll scoop you up,’ the major called, ‘and that will be that for you.

  The Venusian death patrol craft was not without interest. It somewhat resembled a fanciful castle with towers and dwindling spires, but was composed, it so appeared, of gossamer, soap-bubbles, thistledown and things of a fairyish nature. With no obvious means of propulsion, it drifted on a steady course, one bound for the Marie Lloyd. As dreamy and fey as this sky castle was, those aboard it dealt death.

  The wonderful structure was suddenly overhead, lost amongst the leafy canopies of the towering Nabana trees. But then down in a manner silent but deadly came slender silver rods. Scarcely the width of a broom handle but terminating with a single eye-part, within a thrice-pronged claw.

  Cameron Bell had steered Alice back into the spaceship. Major Tinker entered too, still calling to the Jovians to hurry as best they could. A slender silver rod, writhing snakelike, snatched at the Jovian last in the scurrying party. The three-pronged claw caught him hard by a leg, hauled him from his feet. As his companions rushed on towards the possible safety of the Marie Lloyd, he was swept up into the sky, to meet, all supposed, a very terrible end. Further rods came flashing down. Two more Jovians, calling for mercy, found themselves dragged skywards.

  Only five of the original hunters now remained alive. And these five, once inside the spaceship, demanded the use of their ray guns to make a fight of it.

  ‘Too dangerous,’ cried Corporal Larkspur. ‘Breaching the hull with gunfire could spell doom. Bolt the door and take your seats, we depart this planet with alacrity.’

  ‘He’s making very good progress with his Queen’s English lessons,’ Darwin observed as the colonel fastened the seat belt around the monkey’s waist. ‘I really have not taken to Venus. I don’t think I’ll come back.’

  An awful scratching, raking sound now put many teeth upon edge. Major Tinker, strapping himself in next to the colonel, said, ‘If they can get a purchase on the old Marie Lloyd, they’ll drag her back to one of their cities. Things won’t go well for us.’

  ‘We’ll make a damned good fight of it,’ quoth Colonel Katterfelto. ‘Corporal—’

  Corporal Larkspur was heading for the cockpit. ‘I don’t have time to talk,’ he said.

  ‘And I don’t have time to die. Give me the key to this prang cannon jobbie. I’ll make short work of the blighters.’

  ‘Ah,’ went Corporal Larkspur. ‘About the igniti
on key.’

  ‘As chance would have it,’ said Cameron Bell, ‘I just found it on the floor. Perhaps you dropped it, Corporal.’

  ‘Perhaps.’ The corporal made a face of hatred. The spaceship shuddered as claws raked over its hull.

  ‘Come to think of it,’ said Colonel Katterfelto, ‘don’t quite see how this works. Need ignition key to get spaceship engine going, yes?’

  ‘Yes,’ went the corporal, looking most exasperated.

  ‘But need same key to work prang cannon. Or do you have two?’

  The corporal examined the single key that he now held in his hand. Words of profanity rose from his lips, in perfectly formed Queen’s English.

  ‘I can pick the lock,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Corporal, get us into space. Colonel, accompany me to the prang cannon.

  ‘Which is where?’ asked Colonel Katterfelto.

  ‘Down that way. First on the right and up the stairs,’ shouted the corporal, now rather red in the face.

  Darwin was starting to shiver with fear. Alice moved from her seat into that vacated by the colonel.

  ‘Might I sit here?’ she asked the monkey. ‘And perhaps hold your hand? I am rather afraid, you see.

  Darwin looked up at Alice and smiled. And put out his small hairy hand.

  There were now a hundred snaking silver rods curling over the Marie Lloyd, touching, sweeping, probing with evil caresses. The Martian hulk was once more rocking as, snapping like serpents, these sinister agents of doom sought to penetrate the hull.

  Corporal Larkspur dropped into the pilot’s seat and keyed the ignition. The engines gave a kind of strangled cough, then went very silent indeed.

  ‘No,’ said Corporal Larkspur. ‘That is most unsatisfactory.’ He let the key spring back into place then turned it once again. A lesser cough issued and then a greater silence.

  ‘Oh no!’ cried Corporal Larkspur. ‘The battery’s flat. But it should have been good for weeks.’ A sudden thought entered the corporal’s mind. ‘It’s the magical time here,’ he said. ‘The magical time is to blame.’