Caterpillars Can't Swim

by Liane Shaw

  “Yeah, well, fuck you,” is Matt’s well thought out and brilliant comeback as he starts to walk away.

  “This isn’t over,” says Shawn, even though it obviously is. He follows Matt, both of them swaggering off like it was their idea.

  “So, I like your new buddies,” Cody says, grinning at me as if nothing significant just happened here. All the other guys start to laugh.

  “Yeah, well I think you just spoiled the start of a beautiful friendship,” I answer, trying to laugh too. Jack, on the other hand, looks like he’s going to cry.

  “Hey, Jack, I’m sorry those guys were bugging you. They’re just jerks. Ignore their shit.” I try to distract him. I don’t think he wants to cry in front of all these guys.

  “Yeah. Okay. Um…thanks.”

  “Ryan’s right. Those guys are primo asswipes who can’t actually even wipe their own asses without getting shit on their hands. Don’t worry about them.” Cody has such a way with words. But it makes Jack smile.

  “Okay.”

  “They won’t bug you again. Either of you.” Cody looks at me and then at Jack. The rest of the guys all nod.

  Who would have thought that Tigger would turn out to be an actual tiger?

  Ten

  It takes a while to persuade Cody and the guys that Jack and I don’t need an escort home. I’m not even sure it’s true. Matt and Craterface might have just gone off to get reinforcements. The whole idea that the swim team scared them away might work as a graphic novel story line, but it’s likely to backfire in real life.

  But I tell the guys to take off anyway. I don’t want anyone to know how scared I was. How scared I still am.

  How scared I’m pretty sure Jack is.

  “Are you heading home?” I ask Jack, when we’re finally on our own.

  “No, I’m going downtown to my mom’s work. She’s a waitress at the Supe.” The Supe is what we all call the Superior Restaurant on the main street. It’s what my mother calls a greasy spoon diner because the food is so awesomely bad that it’s great. Everyone from school eats there. I didn’t make the connection when I saw Mrs. Pedersen at the hospital. She’s probably served me about a thousand times, and I still didn’t recognize her. I don’t know what that says about me.

  “I live in that direction. Is it okay if we head off together? Safety in numbers and all that.” I try to look like I’m kidding. I’m not. If they come back, at least with two of us, maybe one will have time to call 9-1-1 while the other one keeps them busy getting beat up.

  Which reminds me that I have my cell phone. It never even occurred to me to call for help when I saw those guys threatening Jack.

  “I guess,” Jack says less than enthusiastically as we start moving down the sidewalk.

  “Sorry that shit happened to you. Those guys are jerks.”

  “I’m used to it. I should have just stayed away from that area. Too secluded.”

  “What do you mean, you’re used to it? Those guys bug you before?” I’ve never really been threatened before. I mean, sometimes people stare at me like I have something contagious, keeping their distance as if they’re afraid they’ll start limping if they get too close. Other people treat me like my brain doesn’t work just because my legs don’t. But not too many people take the time to try to rough up a guy in a chair. Until today that is.

  “Those guys. Other guys. Whoever,” he says dismissively, like it’s no big deal. But his eyes are saying something different.

  “I didn’t know. That sucks.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m short and skinny and not exactly athletic. My mom works in a restaurant, and my dad disappeared into the sunset. I’m a pretty easy target, I guess. And now everyone thinks I’m a suicidal nutcase, so there’s that too. And the other thing.” He emphasizes the last word slightly as he looks down at the ground. I wonder whether or not he wants me to admit that I know what he means or if we’re supposed to talk in code.

  “You mean the gay shit that they were throwing at you? Do you get called that a lot?” I finally ask, trying to keep my voice neutral.

  “Sometimes. They have lots of things they call me. Gay is just one name.”

  “Are you?” The question comes out before I really think about it.

  An image of a yellow twirling skirt flashes into my mind, making me feel like I really want to be somewhere else talking about something…anything…else.

  “Does it matter?” He stops walking, still looking down at the pavement. I roll to a stop also.

  “Not to me. Some people around here think there’s something weird about it. Maybe most. This town isn’t exactly full of rainbows.” He searches my face as if he’s trying to read something written on it. I’m not sure what he’s looking for but I guess he finds it because he starts talking again.

  “No. Not exactly. I think I might be the only gay guy in the entire town.” He closes his eyes quickly as if he’s afraid to see my reaction this time. He’s standing so still that it seems like he’s holding his breath, just waiting for me to say or do something.

  I wonder if it’s the first time he’s said it out loud.

  I wonder what I’m supposed to say or do.

  “I doubt it but you can’t be sure, I guess. I don’t actually know of anyone else. But I don’t know everyone in town. I don’t even know everyone in our grade at school.” I keep my tone casual, cool even. Like it’s no big deal.

  “You don’t know what it’s like being the only one,” he says slowly, as if the words are being pulled out of his mouth one at a time. His eyes are open now but he’s staring at his shoes again instead of looking at me.

  “I kind of do,” I say back, pointing down at my legs. “I’m pretty sure I’m the only person under the age of like, ninety, who uses a chair in this town. Seems bizarre but I guess it’s a really small town. Lots of one-offs.” His eyes shift from his shoes to mine.

  “I never thought of that. But it’s not really the same, is it? No one thinks there’s something wrong with you. I mean, something bad about you, like you’re going to infect them with something.”

  “That does happen a little. Some people seem afraid of me, like they’ll catch whatever I have and forget how to walk or something. I’ve been called a crip by losers a few times. But I guess it isn’t the same.” No one ever acts like they hate me or want to hurt me because of who I am. Except for those idiots today, and I’m pretty sure they do that to everyone.

  “You wouldn’t believe how many people around here use gay as an insult. Fag, queer…whatever label they can find that makes it a bad thing to be. Not even directed at me most of the time. Just at anyone they’re trying to piss off. I can’t imagine what it would be like if anyone found out that I actually am what some of them call me.” He shudders a bit.

  I think about it for a second. I want to tell him he’s wrong, but I can’t. Most of the guys I know use those exact insults. They think it’s funny most of the time.

  Do I call other guys gay or a fag when I’m trying to insult them? I don’t even know. Cody does it all the time. Probably most of the swim team does.

  I don’t want to imagine what it would be like if anyone found out Jack really is gay.

  “Well, they won’t hear it from me. I stay out of other people’s business.”

  “Really?” His voice is totally sarcastic, and it takes me a second to understand what he’s saying.

  “Well, most of the time. Except when I’m trying to be a hero.” I try grinning humbly.

  “Yeah. Except that. Remind me to thank you some day. Do you remember where you hid my…stuff?” He takes a quick turn in the conversation and I have to think a second before I answer.

  “Not exactly. It’s under a bush somewhere. I’m pretty sure it’s a green one, if that helps.” He smiles, just a little.

  “Probably not much. I guess I’ll have to try to find
it. My mom will eventually notice her skirt is gone.”

  “Yeah, my mom is always super pissed when I go swimming in her clothes and then leave them at the beach.” I instantly want to bite my tongue in two. That was so not funny.

  Jack lets out a full laugh, surprising me into joining him. He starts walking again without warning, and it takes me a few seconds to get my chair going so I can keep up.

  “You’re pretty weird, you know,” he says to me as I come up behind him. He slows his pace until I’m beside him again.

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “I’m weirder.”

  “That’s probably a matter of opinion.”

  “Most people in this town would think a guy…a gay guy…who likes to dress up is weird.” The twirling skirt flies into my view again and I have to agree with him.

  “Maybe. There are probably people, outside in the real world, who would be cool with it though.”

  “Yeah, well that doesn’t help me any. I can’t get out of this place. I’m stuck here forever.” His voice cracks a little.

  “That’s not true. We only have this year and next left in school. Then you can go away. Get a job or go to college, whatever you want.” That’s my plan. I want to find somewhere to live where I’m not the only one on wheels. Where all the buildings are living in the twenty-first century so that they’re actually accessible.

  “It’s not that easy. My family is…complicated. And I just made everything worse.”

  “By falling into the river?”

  “Yeah, right. They know I’m lying. Even though I’m sticking to my story. They still know. My mother’s probably freaking out right now because I’m late getting to the restaurant. She probably already called the cops. She’s so scared it’ll happen again.”

  “Will it?” Everything goes quiet as the words hang suspended in the air between us. I really wish I could reach up and grab them, putting them back inside my stupid brain where they belong.

  I seriously need to know when to shut up because A: he’s not going to tell me the truth about something like that and B: I don’t want to know the truth about something like that.

  We’re both quiet for so long that I start hoping he isn’t going to answer.

  “I don’t know. I screwed everything up royally this time.” The words come out just above a whisper. He stops walking again and just stands there. I release the joystick on my chair and sit looking at him. He’s staring straight ahead, and I’m not even sure he knows I’m still here.

  I don’t know how to talk to someone about the how not to screw up drowning himself so this time I keep my mouth shut. I should do that permanently. Silence is probably a good thing.

  “I wish I could morph into a caterpillar.” The words come out of nowhere, and I react without thinking.

  “Why the hell would you want to be an insect?” So much for keeping my mouth shut. Maybe I should just keep on moving and leave the guy alone on the sidewalk.

  He looks at me for a second before smiling slightly, looking embarrassed.

  “A caterpillar is basically gross and ugly. But then it gets to hang out in a cocoon for a while and ends up changing into a gorgeous butterfly. Beautiful colors all floating on the breeze, dancing around wherever it wants to go. No one cares if it’s a boy or a girl. It’s just a caterpillar that changed into a butterfly. And it’s okay and right and normal.” He shrugs his shoulders as his eyes fill up with tears, and one escapes and sneaks down his cheek.

  My own eyes sting a little, which is ridiculous because I do not cry. Ever. It’s a waste of energy. My mother cries enough for everyone in our house. She calls it cathartic. I call it tears and snot all mixing together in a gross mess.

  “I looked it up by the way. Some people say they can and others say they can’t.”

  “What?” He looks at me, confused.

  “Swim. Caterpillars. You asked me when I saw you at the hospital if I thought they could swim so I looked it up on the Internet and didn’t really find a clear answer. Some sites say they can if they have to, and others say they just drown.”

  “Oh. Thanks, I guess.”

  Now I’m embarrassed. I’m not even sure why I looked it up in the first place.

  He starts walking again, and I move along beside him.

  “Anyway, I’m turning here. Thank your friends for helping. I didn’t want to get beat up. I don’t really like pain much.” Jack’s smile seems both artificial and sad.

  “I don’t think anyone does. Especially not pain from crater-faced assholes who think they’re tough.” My smile feels as fake as Jack’s looks.

  “Yeah. Anyway, I guess I’ll see you around school.” He turns to walk to the restaurant.

  “Yeah, definitely. Listen, Jack, let me give you my cell number. Just in case you need me for anything. Or Cody and his swim gang,” I say, trying to sound casual and cool about it all. He turns and then gets out his phone.

  “Okay. I guess. Shit, I was right. Eight missed calls. All my mom.” He shakes his head as I give him my number and he logs it in. I expect him to give me his number as well, but he just puts his phone away and walks down toward the Supe.

  I head home. My mother is probably still at her work, too, so she won’t be wondering where I was after school. I’m sure not going to tell her about Matt and Craterface. She’ll get me a babysitter.

  Apparently I already have one. Cody the hero. Never would have guessed it in a million years. I know he’s strong but he’s always seemed like the passive type…in a hyperactive, mildly insane kind of way.

  I don’t know if those guys will leave us alone just because the guys told them to. My mother always tells Ricky and me that bullies are cowards and will back down if confronted most of the time. It sounds logical, but from what I’ve seen and heard, confronting guys like Matt usually results in a broken nose.

  I hope no one on the team ends up hurt because of me. It’s bad enough that I screwed them over by having to sit out half of the term. I don’t need to make it all worse by trying to be a superhero every five minutes.

  I think I liked my life better when the only thing I was known for was sitting in a chair and hanging out with the swim team.

  Eleven

  “Hey.” I answer my phone on the first ring, hoping for an escape from doing homework.

  “Hi. Am I interrupting anything?”

  “No. I’m just thinking about doing some homework.”

  “Oh.” Jack goes silent for a few seconds, and I start to wonder if he’s disappeared.

  “Are you still there?”

  “Yeah, sorry. My mom was just talking to me. I guess you’re busy.”

  “Not really. Math can wait.”

  “I was just wondering if I could come over for a bit. My mother is working a double, and I’m stuck in the restaurant for another three hours. It’s Thursday.”

  For some reason, Thursday has always been the night that kids from our school like to go down to the Supe and sit eating fries all night. Obviously not Jack’s favorite time to be stuck there.

  “Sure. You can help me with my math. I seriously suck at it.”

  “I’m probably not much better, but I can try.”

  I am nowhere close to convinced that the whole Shawn/Matt saga is over, even though Cody is totally sure that they’ll never bug us again. So over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to make sure that Jack doesn’t end up anywhere alone, which means I’m spending time with him that I hadn’t planned on. It’s mostly all right though, as long as I don’t let myself think about what he was doing that day at the river. He hasn’t said anything depressing recently, and I don’t really mind hanging around with him. At least he’s pretty quiet, which is a contrast to Cody.

  Jack arrives a few minutes after his call. Mom meets him at the door and lets him in. She’s always extremely nice to him,
but I get the feeling that she isn’t particularly thrilled with my spending time with him. She seemed pleased with the first couple of visits, as if she was proud of me for being a nice guy or something, but recently she seems to be uncomfortable around him. No, that’s wrong. She seems to be uncomfortable with the idea of me being around him. Which is weird because my mom’s basically the tolerance champion of the universe.

  “Hey,” he says as he comes into my room. He comes over to the desk and pulls some books out of his bag.

  “Hi.”

  “Is it okay if I use this chair?” he asks, gesturing to my desk chair. I look at him, a bit surprised that he’d ask.

  I don’t really need a desk chair, but I get sick of being in a wheelchair all the time so I like to transfer if I’m going to be working for a while. For today, I’m sitting at the end of the desk in my manual chair because I’m so excited to have it back that I might never get out of it again. I finally have the stupid sling gone off of my arm and have been working on getting enough strength back to actually move with something resembling speed again.

  “Yeah, go ahead.”

  “Are you sure? I mean, if you would be more comfortable in it, I can just work on the bed or grab a chair from the kitchen or something.” If Cody was here instead of Jack, he’d already be sitting there with his feet up on the desk. He doesn’t pay a lot of attention to anyone but himself most of the time. Except for pretty girls and brainless jerks who need an ass-kicking.

  If he had been the one on the bridge that day, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed Jack was in the water.

  Maybe I should be more like Cody.

  “No, I’m okay. I want to spend as much time in my wheelchair as I can to get my shoulder working again. Even just moving around my room helps it. Thanks, though.”

  He nods and starts working. The room is silent for a while as we both try to focus on the boredom that is homework. After a few minutes he looks up.