A Brave Start

by Andrea J Severson

  You’re an angel! A latte and a pain au chocolate. Running late. Xx

  Running up Ludgate Hill she was out of breath by the time she turned towards the river and down to the school, but fortunately made up the time she’d lost. She slid into her seat in the classroom just as the professor turned to start class. Jack winked at her and slid her latte and pastry over to her side of the table they always shared. Somehow, she made it through the class and the rest of the day, even though she could hardly think straight. Even Jack noticed she was a bit off as they settled into their usual spot at Starbucks after class.

  “Alreyt luv?” he asked with concern.

  “Yeah, just distracted. I overslept. It’s been pretty crazy lately.”

  “Don’t I know it. All these writing workshops are doing my head in. It’s like my work will never be good enough,” he said mournfully.

  “At least you know what you’re writing, I’m still stuck, I can’t seem to get things to work,” Eleanor replied bitterly.

  “You’ll get it sorted eventually. Is everything else ok? Is it just writing that has you distracted or is there something else going on?”

  Before she could answer, her phone dinged with a text message. She glanced at the screen and saw it was from Patrick. She quickly opened up the message to read it.

  So sorry, I won’t be able to meet up this weekend after all. Possible new roles, have to fly to New York and LA for a while. I’ll keep in touch when I can, text me anytime if you need to talk, vent, whatever. Talk soon. x :)

  Eleanor couldn’t help but smile at the sight of both the kiss and the smiley face at the end of his text, but she was disappointed that he was leaving and didn’t seem to know when he’d be back.

  “Who’s the boy?” Jack said, interrupting her thoughts, smile on his face.

  “What? Oh, it’s nothing. Just a friend.”

  “No, that’s not how this works. I’m your friend. One of your best friends. Now spill, who’s texting you and making you smile like that? Because I’m bloody well sure that it’s not that mardy wanker Mark.”

  Realizing that he was right, Jack was one of, if not the best, friend she had here in London, Jonathan aside. She felt guilty for not having mentioned Patrick before.

  “Be nice, Mark isn’t all that bad. It was just a misunderstanding.”

  “Oh no dearie, I saw that train wreck coming at your birthday party. He was far too possessive of you all night,” he said, a dark expression covering his face.

  “Well, speaking of my birthday, that’s actually a good place to start filling you in. There’s so much to tell you. I hope you’ll forgive me for not saying something sooner,” she replied apologetically.

  “Spill,” Jack ordered.

  She told him about Patrick sending over the champagne. About bumping into him on one of her first days, running into him again at the party, then spending the day with him in Oxford. Getting caught in the rain and rescued and spending the afternoon and evening at Patrick’s flat. And then finally catching him up on having dinner with him last night and his text saying he was going to the States.

  “Eh by gum! I can’t believe you’ve been keeping all this to yourself,” Jack said incredulously.

  “I’m sooooooo sorry! Please forgive me, I swear I wasn’t keeping it from you deliberately. I really have just been so distracted and out of my head. Between Mark and Patrick and still thinking about Michael, I just don’t know what’s going on anymore. And it’s having an impact on my writing.”

  “You should be writing about your life. You’re living in a freaking soap opera!”

  “More like a three-ring circus,” Eleanor said frowning.

  “I’d give anything to have Patrick Reynolds trying to get close to me, you jammy dodger!” wiggling his eyebrows in mock suggestiveness.

  Laughing, “Oh Jack, I wish I was ready to get close, no not yet, but yes, he’s seems so wonderful. Oh gosh, that’s all part of what’s been going through my head! We’re just friends right now. I told him that’s all I can handle. He’s being amazingly understanding about it all.”

  “Yes, but he does fancy you. He said so, twice, based on what you’ve just told me. I think you’ve got a winner there, Ellie luv. A guy like him could have any woman he wanted, right now, but he’s willing to take the long road to get to you. Sounds like a keeper to me.”

  “Maybe, I just still feel so confused. Every time I think about getting into a relationship again I think about Michael. Or my parents. I don’t have a good track record, nor do I come from a healthy background when it comes to relationships.”

  “Who did you date before Michael?”

  Biting her lip, “well, I went on dates, but I didn’t really date anyone seriously before Michael. My parents got divorced and mom and I moved just as I was getting to that age. I went to two different high schools when we moved to Arizona. I was terribly shy and didn’t really fit in. Then in college I was still shy and too scared to put myself out there. Finally I gave up and went on an online social meet up website. I attended a few different groups and then I met Michael.”

  “So Michael was your first relationship?” Jack asked gently.

  Tears starting to well up, “Michael was my first everything. He told me I was his and I truly believed him. I don’t know how I was so wrong.”

  Jack’s eyes flew wide, “Oh luv. You poor thing.” He reached across the table to take Eleanor’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “No wonder the breakup has been so difficult. Also not surprising you’re struggling so much now with Mark and Patrick.”

  Wiping the tears away, “Mark wants too much. I’m not ready to get that swept away by someone with lovely promises. At least, I learned that from Michael. Patrick seems more patient, but I worry that he still wants more than I can give, that he’s just keeping it to himself.”

  “Darling, you’ve been upfront and clear with both of them. You’re not ready for a relationship. You just want to be friends. If they can’t understand and respect that, then on their heads be it.”

  Eleanor couldn’t help but laugh at Jack’s dramatic proclamation, but she knew he was right. And Patrick going out of the country for a while certainly allowed for a bit of distance and breathing room.

  “You’re right,” she admitted finally.

  “Of course I am,” Jack said smugly.

  They chatted for a bit longer and then said goodbye. Jack headed off towards Islington where his flat was and Eleanor walked down to the river and wandered around for a bit, thinking about everything.

  * * * * *

  When she got home, Jonathan was waiting for her in the kitchen. She said hi as she passed by on her way to her room to drop off her stuff. Changing into her yoga pants and her hoodie, she joined Jonathan in the lounge and saw that he’d prepared a cup of tea for her.

  “What’s up cousin?” she asked casually.

  “I was going to ask you the same thing. We really haven’t had a chance to talk lately, especially since Mark came over. You never told me where you really were that day but I have a feeling you weren’t escaping the rain in a coffee shop. You’ve been distracted for a while now. What’s going on?” he asked, concern on his face.

  Eleanor sighed, and for the second time that day found herself talking about everything that had been going on and the time she’d been spending with Patrick. Jonathan listened patiently and other than raising his eyebrows a couple times, he didn’t really give away how he was feeling about the situation. When she finished, he looked at her and finally spoke.

  “What did you really come to London for?”

  It was a simple question with such a complicated answer.

  Haltingly, Eleanor attempted to answer, “I came to write. I came for school and to do something with my life. But I also wanted to make new friends and start over fresh, somewhere without memories of Michael. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life Jon. But it wasn’t right with Mark. And I don’t know if it will be right with Patrick, but he�
�s at least willing to be friends and not pressure me for anything more.”

  “Mark says he’s willing to be friends,” Jon said gently.

  “And I hope he means that!” Eleanor exclaimed. “I like Mark, I really do. He’s a great guy, and a girl would be lucky to be with him. But I’m not the girl for him. I’m not capable of being spontaneous and just go with the flow and take a risk and hope it works out. I need to go slow, I need to get to know someone first. Mark rushed it, and I can’t quite get over that.”

  “Fair enough. You’ve been hurt so much already. I don’t want to see you get hurt more, by Mark or by Patrick. I also don’t want to see you get distracted by either of them. Friendships and relationships are important. And you won’t be alone for the rest of your life Ellie. It’s ok to focus on your writing and your school, at least for the rest of this year. When the program is done, what are you going to do?” Jon asked, clearly trying to get Eleanor to think past her confusion over Mark and Patrick.

  “I know, I know. I’ve been so focused on surviving school, and yes, getting distracted by guys, this year is just going by so fast. I need to start looking for jobs and ways to stay. Aunt Vickie said I could keep living here for a little while after graduation,” she said, looking pointedly at Jonathan.

  “You are more than welcome to stay here for as long as UK immigration will allow you my dear. But you’re definitely going to need a job, and one that will sponsor a visa. Which is not an easy thing to find. It’s nearly the holidays, you’re done with school in August. That gives you about eight months after New Years to find something.”

  “I need to talk to the career services office. They have some different options, as well as fellowships and grants I can apply for. I just haven’t gotten around to it. But I will. I can’t go back to Arizona after this year. I can’t go back to my old life. You’re right, for the rest of the school year at least, I need to focus on school and writing and finding a job. Everything else can wait,” she finished, her voice stronger and more determined.

  “Now hold on, you’re still allowed to have some fun. And keep pursuing your friendships, even your friendships with Mark and Patrick. You need balance. I’ve just been noticing you lately and it seems like you’ve been so distracted and not focused on maintaining that balance.”

  “You’re right. I’ll work on it. I promise,” she said with a smile.

  Jonathan excused himself to work on homework before bed. Eleanor stayed on the sofa sipping her tea and thinking about everything that had been going on and everything that she knew she needed to start paying more attention to. Finally, she got up and cleaned her mug and then got ready for bed. She lay awake for a while, thinking about her writing project and the problems she’d been having with it, and after a while she fell into a fitful sleep.

  * * * * *

  The following day was Friday and Eleanor needed a break from her routine. She knew Jack would miss writing with her, but she needed the time alone. That afternoon, after wandering around the Victoria & Albert museum, she walked over to Hyde Park. As she walked through the park she remembered being there when she was ten, with her parents on one of their trips to London. It was a sunny, summer day, she remembered she was about nine years old. She thought often of that day. Her dad had taken the afternoon off from his conference and it was one of the rare times Eleanor remembered being out as a family. It was one of the few ‘perfect’ memories she had of her childhood. Her dad was smiling and laughing and she could tell her mom was genuinely happy. As she walked by the Peter Pan statue, she remembered her dad chasing her around the statue, as she bubbled with laughter. Her mom catching her in her arms and her dad pulling them both into a giant hug. Walking along the Serpentine, cold and half frozen now, she remembered feeding the ducks and geese and swans, and her dad making up silly stories and names for them all as the sun sparkled on the water. They got ice cream from one of the stands and ate it sitting in the grass as the sun filtered down through the trees. It was a perfect, idyllic day that had brought her comfort.

  In the years that followed, leading up to her parent’s divorce, the atmosphere in the house, on the summer trips, between her parents, had all started to get tense. They tried to cover it with false brightness and unity in front of Eleanor. Which was why that summer day in London, in Hyde Park, always stood out in her mind. It was the last time they spent together as a family that she knew with absolute certainty, that they had all been happy as a family. Despite the bitterness, anger, hurt feelings, yelling, slamming doors, and eventually the divorce and the estrangement from her father, on that day, they were happy.

  As she continued walking through the park, she noticed a family further ahead of her on the path. A mother and father, with a little girl who looked around eight or nine years old. The little girl was running circles around her parents, soon her dad started chasing her around her mother. The girl shrieked with laughter as her mom reached out and caught her and both her parents started smothering her with hugs. Eleanor’s heart dropped into her stomach at the sight. It was so similar to her family that summer day, so long ago. Though it had been so many years since that day, the old wounds came rushing back. The name calling, the hurt feelings, the shouting and yelling, her mom crying and trying to tell her that everything would be ok. The way her dad left one night and she didn’t see him again for two weeks after she and her mom had moved into their temporary apartment near her mom’s college.

  Tears started to fall, at first just a few, but soon streams of tears down Eleanor’s face. She was crying so hard she could no longer see the family ahead of her and her pace had slowed so much that they were soon well ahead of her. Eventually Eleanor had to stop and sit on a bench. All the pain she thought she’d dealt with she now realized she had just pushed it deep down. She now understood where her writer’s block was coming from. She’d been trying to write the story of a happy family. Like hers had been on that summer’s day when she was nine. But that’s not her story to tell. That wasn’t really her family and that memory wasn’t as perfect as she remembered it.

  They may have been happy in that moment, a moment that she had been using as a safety blanket to cover what had come next in her family life. Her father was still deeply flawed and the plain truth was, he never loved them enough. Not really. If he did the divorce wouldn’t have been so nasty, he wouldn’t have treated her and her mother so poorly. He wouldn’t have cut Eleanor out and used her when he needed to maintain the appearance of doting father to his colleagues. If he truly loved me, Eleanor thought angrily, that horrible night in Manhattan would never have happened. But she and her mom had only been pawns. They served a purpose for a time and then when they were no longer of use, her dad discarded her mom and kept Eleanor on the side, as if he could just call up Central Casting and order “one dutiful daughter” for the annual faculty and family luncheon.

  It made Eleanor sick to think about it now, but her professors were always telling them to “write what they know.” Eleanor realized now that she didn’t know about happy families and happy endings. She knew about pain and loss, heartbreak and destruction. She knew how to move on and start over, and she was learning how to reinvent herself. She understood that people aren’t perfect and you can’t make them be. Her father is who he is. She couldn’t change him or their past. All she could do was move forward with her future, just as she did half a lifetime ago when she was thirteen. She learned she couldn’t trust her father, but she could trust her mom. And Aunt Vickie and Jonathan and Uncle Edward. And eventually she learned she could trust Grace and Carly, just as she’s started trusting Jack, and Patrick. But by not dealing with her past, she opened herself up to Michael, who she now realized, never deserved her in the first place. He treated her just like her father did. And Mark may or may not have been the same story if she’d continued with him.

  Suddenly she knew her whole project needed to change, the characters needed to be completely reworked. There would be no magic happy ending like the mov
ies she loved to watch when she was upset. Because that wasn’t real life. Her protagonist needed to figure things out on her own and make her own happy ending, just as Eleanor was trying to do. Eleanor wiped the tears from her eyes furiously, and with a new determination raced out of the park. She got the Tube at Hyde Park Corner and headed to one of her favorite coffee shops back by the flat, scribbling notes in her notebook the whole way. She sat in Caffè Nero until it closed, taking one last large latte back to the flat with her, where she continued writing in her room until well past 2 o’clock in the morning when her eyes, tired from staring at the screen for so long, finally fluttered shut.

  Despite the late hour she fell asleep, she was back up at 7 o’clock the next morning, and at the Caffè Nero on Kingsway by 8 o’clock. She spent all of Saturday writing, taking breaks to walk around and moving from one coffee shop to the other. Sunday was the same thing, up before Jonathan was awake and out in coffee shops or the occasional pub for a meal, writing until late, coming home and writing in her room, barely aware of Jonathan in the flat outside her door. But it was working, her book was finally working! She had so much to write, her fingers couldn’t type fast enough. She had to give up on writing on her iPad, her little Bluetooth keyboard couldn’t keep up with her. So every day she packed up her laptop and found new places to write.

  That week at school she could barely pay attention in class, all she wanted to do was go write. Jack kept glancing at her, fidgeting and bouncing in her seat, tapping her pen against the desk until she caught him glaring at her and she suddenly stopped moving, clasping her hands together tightly in her lap.

  After her last class of the day she found Jack waiting right outside the classroom.