A Brave Start

by Andrea J Severson

  “You know, as much as I love London, I wouldn’t be opposed to living elsewhere in the UK.”

  “Really?” Patrick asked, slightly incredulous. “I thought you lived for London.”

  Eleanor caught the joking tone, “Ha ha. I love it, but I don’t live for it. I think as long as I was close enough I could take the train in for the day I’d be happy.”

  Patrick raised an eyebrow.

  Eleanor laughed and then relented, “Ok, I do live for it. I’ve loved every day I’ve been here. Good weather, bad weather, busy with tourists or quiet, transit strikes that make you want to pull your hair out, I love it all. But I have to be realistic. Aunt Vickie is only paying for this flat while Jon and I are in school. Once we graduate we have to start contributing. She’d never charge us a realistic rent considering what she’s spent on the place. She owns it outright, so there’s no mortgage. Depending on the job I might be able to cover my half of the amount she quoted Jon, but it would be really tight. And Jonathan might stay in London after graduation but that will depend on where he gets a job. There’s no way I could afford a place of my own this central.”

  “Do you want a place of your own?”

  “Kind of,” Eleanor said slowly. “I mean, I love Jon. And I love this flat and the location. But I also loved how quiet and peaceful Oxford felt. Not that I can afford Oxford either,” she added with a laugh. “There are so many places around England, not to mention Wales or Scotland. If the right job pops up but just happens to be in another city, then I’ll have to consider that. It might be fun to start a new adventure somewhere outside of London but still close. That way I could have my own life but still be near to Jon and Aunt Vickie. And you. I guess it will all depend on where I find a job.”

  Patrick appreciated being included in the list of people Eleanor wanted to stay close to, and he smiled as he picked up a chip off his plate. “Well, I think you’ll have some say in where you end up. If you want a job in London, I know at least three different people that could make that happen. And probably at a salary that you could afford a nice little flat on your own. Maybe not in Zone 1 like this one,” he said laughing. “But definitely still fairly central.”

  “I’d be happy with Zone 6 if it meant having my own place at a reasonable budget.”

  “Darling, you wouldn’t be happy with your transport bills if you lived in Zone 6. Not unless you worked from home ninety percent of the time.”

  “Not going to lie Patrick, working from home sounds like my idea of heaven. I’ve never been built for the 9-5 office job. That’s why I got into teaching.”

  “Well, think about what you’d like to do. Teach? Publishing? Writing? Let me know and I’ll ask around and make some calls.”

  “I’ll think about it. My professors and advisors were asking the same thing. It feels weird to think I could have options. I’m used to taking what I can get.” In more ways than one, Eleanor thought silently as she thought about years wasted with Michael and how flattered she was initially by Mark. She really wasn’t in the habit of thinking about what she wanted.

  Patrick sensed Eleanor’s mind had wandered somewhere other than jobs and he wondered what she was thinking. She was so expressive when she was deep in thought, one day he hoped she’d let him in on where her mind wandered.

  “I hope the new pictures this week weren’t too disconcerting,” he asked cautiously.

  “What?” Eleanor snapped out of her private thoughts and tried to rejoin the conversation. “Oh. No, they weren’t too bad. I mean, I’m not thrilled they followed me down to Oxford Street after I said goodbye to you. It’s weird thinking someone was following me and I didn’t even know it. But I guess it is what it is. I thought I was aware of my surroundings but I guess I’ll have to start paying more attention.”

  “I still feel bad about it. And about the confrontation with Mark. I hope there haven’t been any more issues with him after he and I pitched up on your doorstep. Thank goodness the tabloids didn’t get that on camera.”

  Eleanor grimaced at the thought. “I know. That would have been less than ideal. No, there haven’t been more problems with Mark. He’s basically cut himself off from all of us. Not just me and Jon, but the rest of their friends at school. They wouldn’t take his side over mine or Jon’s and he’s not happy. I feel bad, but Mark can’t just let things go. I’ve honestly been trying not to think about it this week. I’ve just been spending time with mom before she flew home and then focusing on school.”

  “I hope you had fun with your mum before she left.”

  “We did,” Eleanor smiled.

  “I’m glad you seem so ok about the photos and the articles, I really have been worrying about that.”

  “Oh Patrick, there’s no need to worry. I assumed being friends with a what did you call yourself? An almost famous international Movie Star would eventually get some notice. It’s not fun, but it’s not the end of the world.”

  “But would it make you…” Patrick trailed off.

  Eleanor could tell he really was worried about something. “Patrick? What is it?”

  “I’m sorry Eleanor, I wasn’t sure if I should bring this up but I’ve been thinking about it all week. I value your friendship more than anything. And I’ve always meant it when I said that if that’s all this ever was between us I would respect that and would be grateful to have your friendship…”

  “But?” Eleanor asked hesitantly.

  “But…I am interested in more than friendship. I always have been, and I hope you know that.”

  Eleanor nodded silently, looking down and pushed a chip nervously around her plate.

  “Seeing the tabloid stories, it just makes me worried you might never want to be more than friends. That you wouldn’t be open to pursuing something eventually with me if it would mean having to deal with that on a regular basis. As my friend you can stay out of the spotlight more or less, if you were my girlfriend…well that would be different. I wouldn’t want to hide that. I’d want to live our lives normally and go out in public. I’d want to go to work events at whatever job you got and I’d want you to come to my work stuff.”

  “Parties and premiers, you mean?” Eleanor asked, suddenly feeling anxious.

  “Yeah, they’re not always my favorite thing but it is part of the job. Ideally I’d want to be with someone who would keep me company at that sort of thing.”

  “I guess I haven’t really thought that far ahead Patrick. I’m not sure I’m the right fit for all the glitz and glamour of the filmmaking industry.”

  “Elle, you’re so intelligent and funny, you’d fit right in.”

  “I don’t know Patrick. I just like how it is now. I like hanging out with you at home over fish and chips. This side of your life I feel very comfortable with. I understand it. I relate to it. But all your work and the business side of the industry…it’s so overwhelming. I really don’t like big social events, especially formal ones. And the thought of having tabloids caring about every little detail of what I do and where I go and what I wear just because I’m dating a celebrity…it just feels so odd.”

  “Even if I’m the celebrity,” Patrick said, with a slight edge in his voice.

  Eleanor sighed, “Don’t twist my words, I think you know me well enough by now to know I didn’t mean it like that. If I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t even bother to be friends with you.” She was struck by how much she meant it when she said she cared about Patrick, even as more than just a friend. She was finding herself thinking about if they started pursuing their relationship more seriously and she wasn’t balking at the thought as much as she’d expected she would.

  “So you care about me?” Patrick prodded.

  “Of course I do! Haven’t I made at least that much clear already? You’re one of the best friends and most important relationships I’ve developed since moving here. I’m grateful for you as well Patrick, believe me, that sentiment goes both ways, you’re not alone in feeling that.”

  �
��But?” Patrick demanded, staring at her across the dining table.

  “But is this really the best time to bring up this subject? You start filming in a few days. I’m up to my eyeballs in school work trying to get my manuscript sorted out and apply for jobs. We’re hardly going to be able to see each other over the next few months. You want to talk about taking our relationship to the next level now?” Eleanor’s voice became more agitated as she spoke and she could feel the fear creeping in. “Maybe it’s best if we just focus on our own work for a bit. You go almost straight into your next film after this one. That’s over six months of hardly seeing each other. Hardly ideal for starting a serious romantic relationship. Maybe friendship is best right now.”

  “I think you’re scared and making excuses” Patrick said plainly.

  Eleanor knew instinctively he was right, and hated how he always seemed to be able to read her feelings. It was just like Jon or her mom or Aunt Vickie but they’d known Eleanor her whole life, Patrick had only know her for five months, if even that. A tear started to slip down her cheek. Eleanor suddenly felt very tired.

  “Oh Ellie, I didn’t mean to make you cry. Damn it. I’m sorry.” Patrick got up and knelt beside her chair, reaching up to wipe the tear away.

  “It’s not your fault. I’m just so tired Patrick. It’s been a long week and saying goodbye to mom was harder than I thought it would be.”

  “Elle, I don’t think it’s the long week that’s making you feel so tired. You have been running from making decisions about what you want since I’ve met you. Your writing, a job after graduation, a relationship with me, or with anyone else…you’ve been doing everything you can to avoid making a choice about what you really want. You’ve got to be exhausted!”

  With that it was like a dam broke inside Eleanor. Suddenly there was another tear, and then another, and then another. They just kept falling and Eleanor began to shake and her breathing became ragged. Patrick leaned in close to comfort her and while part of her wanted him close, the other part felt claustrophobic. It felt like the room was closing in on her. She couldn’t breathe. Though she dealt with them rarely these days, she remembered all too clearly what a panic attack felt like when one struck.

  She pushed Patrick gently away from her. She didn’t want to offend him but she needed space. She stood up, trying to catch her breath and walked to the end of the lounge and up to the big bay window. Patrick followed her. She opened the window and let the cold fresh air in, trying to take a deep breath and let it fill her lungs. She knew Patrick was behind her but sensed he was keeping a slight distance. She leaned her head against the window frame and sat down on the windowsill. The cold air felt good against her face and filled her lungs. Slowly she was able to control her breathing a bit more but the tears continued to stream down her face.

  “Patrick…” she started, in between small sobs.

  “No Elle, I’m not leaving you right now. I’ll go in the hall if that will help but I’m not leaving you alone in the flat like this.

  “I don’t…want you to s…s…see me…like th…this,” Eleanor struggled to say the words.

  “Too late,” Patrick said, crossing his arms, frown etched on his face. He shifted from one foot to the other, all he wanted was to go to her but he could tell she needed space.

  Eleanor just closed her eyes and leaned harder against the window. The tears continued for what felt like hours, but Eleanor supposed it was only five minutes or so. She eventually let Patrick guide her to the sofa where she curled into a ball, arms wrapped tightly around one of the throw pillows. Patrick put one of the throw blankets over her and rubbed her back through the fabric, moving his hand in a circle around her back, just like her mom had always done when a panic attack would hit.

  Eventually the tears stopped and Eleanor managed to open her eyes. She immediately noticed how worried Patrick was.

  “Does this happen often,” he asked quietly.

  “No, not anymore thankfully. They used to happen a lot when I was a teen, after the divorce and…everything.” Eleanor had been about to say more than she would have been happy about, so she stopped. Patrick had such a habit of making her feel so at ease, like she could tell him all her secrets. But some things were too hard to think about, even after a long time had passed. “I can’t believe you witnessed that. Only my mom has ever seen me like that. And Jonathan, once.”

  “I’m glad I was here. But I’m sorry if anything I said triggered it.” Patrick paused, then continued, “Eleanor, I don’t ever want to pressure you into making a decision about us. If you genuinely need more time, that’s ok. We can continue our friendship and see how things develop after my next two films. But I think your hesitation is about something completely different from the tabloid photos and your worries about my so-called celebrity lifestyle. I saw you stick up for yourself with Mark, that took guts. You have been through so much in the past with your parent’s divorce, with Michael, then moving half way across the world. Eleanor, you’re incredible! You’re excelling at school, you sound so much more certain and clear about your writing. And yet when it comes to personal relationships, specifically romantic relationships, you’re like a deer in the headlights. I can tell you’re scared but I also know you’re not scared of me. So what are you scared of Elle? What are you afraid is going to happen if you let yourself fall for me?”

  “I don’t know,” Eleanor answered in a small voice. She immediately squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face in the pillow.

  Patrick sighed. “Elle, I think we both know. This is about the one subject you’ve never fully explained.”

  Eleanor looked up at him, not knowing where he was going with this, and yet deep down she knew exactly what he was going to say next.

  “This is about your dad.”

  Eleanor felt the panic starting to rise again. She sat up on the sofa and clutched the blanket around her.

  “You’ve brought him up several times but you’ve never said why you don’t speak to him anymore. You’ve hinted that something happened on your last visit but you’ve never said what.”

  “Patrick, this has nothing to do with my dad. I’m not some cliche little girl with daddy issues.”

  “I beg to differ. Maybe you’re not the cliche, but something happened. Something that broke off your relationship with him and that has impacted your relationship with every other man that’s come into your life since.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this Patrick. It’s not relevant. He doesn’t factor into the decisions I make about my life anymore,” Eleanor said, trying to sound defiant, but knowing she wasn’t succeeding.

  “I think he does Eleanor,” Patrick replied gently.

  They stared at each other from opposite ends of the sofa for what felt like a minute. Eleanor hoped he’d give up on the subject but he refused to drop his gaze. He just sat there waiting for her to speak. Eleanor was the first to break the stare. She looked down at her hands, twisted around the edge of the blanket. Maybe it was time, she thought, time to tell him. She was so tired of keeping it locked inside. Tired of letting the past hold her back from making decisions about the future.

  Eleanor looked up and opened her mouth to speak. But before she could, there was a knock at the door. Eleanor looked past Patrick towards the sound of the knocking. Patrick turned towards the door as well, then looked back at Eleanor.

  “Are you expecting someone? I didn’t hear the door buzz,” he said curiously.

  “I’m not expecting anyone. Maybe it’s a neighbor?” Eleanor said confused.

  “As long as it’s not Mark again,” Patrick said bitterly.

  Eleanor gave a sour laugh. There was another knock at the door, this time more insistent.

  “Well, whoever it is, they’re not going away,” she said grumpily as she got up from the sofa.

  Patrick quickly followed her, “Elle, let me get it, you should rest.”

  But Eleanor was already to the door. As she opened it, Patrick was right behi
nd her, watching over her shoulder as she opened the door.

  There was a man standing outside, bending over to set a suitcase down on the ground. Eleanor’s brain was trying to process who it was and what was going on. She felt Patrick put a hand on her shoulder and heard him ask, “Can we help you?”

  The man stood up and looked at Eleanor and in that moment, she thought she might sink to the floor.

  Eleanor gasped, “Michael?”

  Chapter 19

  “You have got to be kidding me,” Eleanor blurted out. She was completely shocked. Of all the people she would have thought might show up at her doorstep one night, she had never once imagined this scenario.

  “Hi Ellie Bean. Miss me?” Michael said with a goofy smile and a laugh.

  Eleanor just stared back at him blankly. The use of one of his rare affectionate nicknames for her didn’t even register through her shock. She did however notice that Patrick’s hand on her shoulder felt significantly heavier than it had a few moments ago.

  “Can I come in sweetie? It’s pretty freezing outside and I’m chilled to the bone.” Michael stamped his feet on the ground, like he was trying to get his blood circulating.

  Eleanor’s body defaulted to politeness out of instinct. He was cold, she should let him in. Then she’d decide what to do.

  Michael picked up his bag and walked in. He gave her a quick kiss on the lips then set the bag down in the entryway and immediately strolled into the lounge, leaving Eleanor and Patrick in the entryway, staring at each other in dumbfounded silence. Michael came back into the hallway from the lounge, having removed his coat and shoes and looking far too comfortable in her flat than Eleanor liked.

  The three of them just stared at each other. Eleanor felt like she was in some kind of farce but without the benefit of having a script. Patrick wasn’t touching her anymore, but she could feel his presence. She could also feel the anger radiating off him. He was clearly less thrilled than she was to see Michael.