A Brave Start

by Andrea J Severson

  Eleanor quietly sighed, so faint Patrick thought he’d imagined it, and then leaned back against the headboard and sipped her coffee.

  They relaxed in bed for over an hour, lingering over breakfast and just cuddling against each other. It was strangely intimate considering all they had done was literally just sleep in the same bed, Eleanor thought. They hadn’t actually done anything. She blushed slightly at the thought of them eventually doing something more than just sleep next to each other. She knew eventually they would need to talk about that, Michael had been trying to get a reaction out of her last night, and while she would never have given him the satisfaction of seeing her react, he definitely struck a nerve when he mentioned that she wouldn’t be able to satisfy someone like Patrick in bed. Sex with Michael had been good as far as she knew, but she’d always felt a bit insecure, like maybe she wasn’t very good at it. He was always very kind about it, but it was still a sensitive subject and his comment last night made her question a lot about her experience, or lack thereof.

  “Where did you go just now?” She heard Patrick’s voice break into her thoughts.

  “Hmm?” She replied absently.

  “You just got this worried look on your face and kind of went off with the fairies there for a minute. You alright?” Patrick looked at her with concern in his eyes.

  Eleanor just smiled, then said, “I’m fine. Better than fine. It’s nothing. Well…ok, it’s not nothing. And we will talk about it, eventually. But not right now. I’m too happy right now. And after last night I don’t think I can handle any tough, emotional conversations.”

  “Ok,” Patrick agreed. “So, what do you want to do? Stay here or go out? It’s a lovely day, but you look pretty comfortable,” he said with a grin.

  “I am very comfortable,” Eleanor replied laughing. “But it would be good to get some fresh air.”

  “We can walk to Hyde Park from here. Let’s head over there, we can get some hot chocolate on the way.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  Eleanor went into the bathroom and freshened herself up, then changed back into the clothes she’d worn over to Patrick’s the night before. She met Patrick in the living room and he helped her into her coat. They started walking in the general direction of the park, heading down one mews street after another before turning on to some of the main roads and walking past the beautiful townhouses that lined the street. Traffic got a little busier the closer they got to Hyde Park but once they crossed into the park and started walking down the paths, it got quiet again. They passed a little stand near the Serpentine that was selling hot chocolate and other sweet treats and they each got a drink. Patrick was making small talk, mostly about the weather or nerves about starting the new film. Eleanor assured him filming would go smoothly and that he’d be great. She was amazed that her simple belief in him could make him look so relieved.

  “You really are nervous about tomorrow, aren’t you?” Eleanor asked.

  “I always get nervous before starting a new project, but this is different. It’s such a small cast and every role is crucial, and not just in the way of the old line of ‘there’s no such thing as a small part, only small actors.’ Like, if any of us don’t pull our weight it will bring the whole film down.”

  “When have you ever not pulled your own weight in your work?” Eleanor asked pointedly.

  “There’s a first time for everything Elle.”

  Patrick sounded so worried it broke Eleanor’s heart a little. “Look, I know a thing or two about imposter syndrome, it’s a classic struggle in grad school and an inherent part of being a writer, or any creative person for that matter. They wouldn’t have cast you if they didn’t think you were the right person for the job. No one gets cast in a major film out of pity Patrick. They chose you for a reason. You just need to get out of your own head and stop talking yourself into a confidence crisis.”

  “You sound so sure of yourself,” Patrick laughed lightly.

  “Well, I can give advice, but I can’t take it,” Eleanor laughed. “That’s basically what Jonathan’s friends told me the night I first met them at the pub back in August after a terrifying first day at the Harrison. I know what it feels like to think you can’t do something Patrick, or that you’re not good enough. It sucks, I feel for you, I really do. But you know what? If I’m being honest, in all the years that I’ve come up against something I thought I couldn’t do, I always ended up doing it and succeeding. My worst fears never came true. I survived my parents’ divorce, that last visit to New York, I got through uni and then grad school, I moved half way around the world to study in London,” Eleanor paused, “I went through so much shit with my dad and felt so worthless, especially after everything with Brian. And for years I thought I’d never be able to talk to anyone about it or meet someone who could make me feel safe and comfortable enough to be my true self. And then I met you.”

  “Do you really mean that Elle? That you feel safe and comfortable to be yourself with me? Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted,” Patrick was looking at her so intently as he reached to take her free hand in his.

  They stood there frozen in the middle of the path clutching their hot chocolates and holding hands, not a single person around, just the sound of wind in the trees and ducks and geese on the lake and the sounds of the city in the distance. Eleanor thought about how, since that day in Oxford, she always found herself telling Patrick things she barely talked about with anyone else. How she always felt so at ease when she was with him. How she never felt like she had to pretend to be something she wasn’t. She didn’t have to be smarter, or funnier, or prettier, or cooler, he cared about her just as she was.

  Once again, she found herself dying to kiss him, and again that little voice of fear held her back. She could see in his eyes he wanted to kiss her too and she was desperate for him to just lean down and do it. But thinking back on their relationship she thought how he always followed her lead, he always waited for her to show that she was comfortable. In that moment, she realized that’s what he was doing now. It’s what he had been doing earlier in bed as they ate breakfast. She’d been bold last night, asking to sleep in his bed, and it had been fine, he didn’t reject her. And he wouldn’t reject her now.

  Before she could talk herself out of it again, Eleanor let go of Patrick’s hand and reached up to touch his face, she leaned in and stood up on her tip toes, and Patrick leaned down until his lips were less than an inch from hers, she paused, thinking he was going to start kissing her, but he just stayed frozen, waiting for her to make her choice. Without giving it another thought, she closed the gap and pressed her lips to his, winding her hand around the back of his head.

  The kiss was slow and gentle at first, but once Eleanor had made that first move, Patrick was very quick to follow her lead. The kiss deepened, Eleanor felt her whole body melt into his. Still holding her hot chocolate, she put her other arm around his waist, and Patrick wound both his arms around her.

  They stayed like that, kissing and ignoring the rest of the world, for at least a minute. It felt like a blissful eternity to Eleanor. Time stopped in that kiss. She loved kissing Patrick, it felt so easy and so natural. She felt like an equal participant, not like she was trying to keep up. He reacted to every move she made. Which made it hard for her to not think about what it would be like to make love with him. She’d have blushed at the thought if she wasn’t already feeling flush from all the kissing. She felt giddy and all of a sudden, she had to fight the urge to giggle. She wasn’t very successful.

  “Do you find kissing me amusing Miss Gordon?” Patrick asked with mock offense and formality.

  “No…of course not,” Eleanor protested through her giggles.

  “What’s so funny then?” Patrick asked, grinning.

  “I think I’m just overwhelmed, today has been so amazing and I’ve wanted to kiss you since this morning, but I was too scared to do it, and then I finally did and…” Eleanor trailed off not knowing how to finish her tho
ught.

  Patrick hugged her tighter and said, “I’m really glad you finally did. I’ve been wanting to kiss you for months, but I was waiting for you to make the first move.”

  “Yeah, I finally realized that’s what you were doing,” Eleanor laughed. “Thank you, for waiting until I was ready. For, well, you know, everything.”

  “Eleanor, that is one thing that I can very easily promise you, I will never make you do something before you’re ready. And you can talk to me about anything.”

  Eleanor had a feeling he was referring to something specific as well as to their relationship in general.

  “I know that, and I’m grateful. It’s nice to know that I can talk to you, that you understand,” she replied, smiling shyly at him. She hugged him tightly and nestled her head into his shoulder.

  “You’re freezing. And our hot chocolates have gone cold. We should get moving again.”

  “Or you could kiss me again? That seemed to make me feel warm,” Eleanor smiled girlishly at him.

  “Don’t tempt me darling. Let’s get you back to the house and warmed up, then I’ll kiss you some more.”

  “Deal.”

  They huddled together as they retraced their steps to leave the park, Patrick’s arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders.

  Epilogue

  It had been a glorious summer, and Eleanor couldn’t believe that it had been nearly a year since she’d arrived in London. It was a beautiful July day, and Eleanor was enjoying a leisurely Saturday afternoon picnic with Patrick in Hyde Park. January and February had gone by in a blur of writing and working at school and Patrick spending most of each week filming in London. Then in March he flew to LA to start his big spy film. He was finally home from filming in LA and on location around the world. It had been hard being without him for the four-and-a-half-month shoot, and he’d been so busy during most of it that they’d struggled to fit in regular FaceTime calls. But he’d texted her every chance he could and sent her letters and postcards from every city the film production had visited.

  She loved receiving those letters and cards and would read and reread them over and over again. She kept them in a drawer beside the bed. When he first started sending the letters and postcards from the States he’d started signing them:

  “With all my love, from across the pond xx PR”

  He kept up the sign off in the letters even after the production left the States for other locations. But over the months “across the pond” had taken on added significance. All of this, school, her writing, her friendships, her relationship with Patrick, had all been possible because she’d taken a risk and allowed herself a brave start “across the pond” in London.

  They hadn’t officially moved in together but she’d taken to spending a lot of time at his mews house while he was gone, both to house sit and to have some quiet space to herself while she worked on finishing her manuscript for her MFA final capstone project. Now Patrick was back and she was still spending half the week at his place. The last two months of the program had switched to twice a week mentoring sessions and the rest of the time was open for writing, on the days she was at school for mentoring she’d spend those afternoons writing in coffee shops with Jack, Clara, Maggie, and Alex. But any night she didn’t have to be up and in the City the next morning she spent at Patrick’s. He was taking a bit of a break before taking on a new project and spent his time making Eleanor cups of coffee as she wrote and read scripts for potential new projects.

  At Patrick’s insistence, and Jon’s and her mom’s encouragement, Eleanor had been seeing a therapist once a week since late January. She thought it would be difficult, digging everything up and laying it all out to dissect it. But her therapist was amazing. Her therapist was only a few years older than Eleanor and she felt so comfortable with her, like she was being fully understood. She found that things that used to trigger her, triggered her less often and she was better at coping with things if she started to feel overwhelmed or panicked. She’d worried about not being able to be “fixed” but with her therapist’s help, and with the way Patrick loved her so unconditionally, she was finally realizing that she’d never been broken in the first place.

  Eleanor’s student visa would be good for another three months after she graduated, but she had three good job offers with companies in London, each of them willing to sponsor a work visa, all she had to do was choose which one she wanted to work at. She also had two agents interested in signing her and start pitching her manuscript. She had to pinch herself when she thought about how perfectly things were working out. She’d be able to have a job, stay in London, possibly get a place of her own, or maybe move in with Patrick. They hadn’t decided anything and Eleanor wasn’t in a rush. It just felt like everything was falling into place.

  She glanced over at Patrick, who was laying back on the picnic blanket, reading Eleanor’s copy of Persuasion that she’d picked up in Oxford. Eleanor smiled to herself at the memory.

  “What do you feel like doing tonight?” She asked him quietly.

  Patrick placed the book down on his chest, thumb holding his place. He looked pensive for a moment, “I don’t know. Dinner together at mine? Or is Jonathan missing you? Maybe we could go out with him and Celeste?”

  Eleanor smiled, thinking about the growing relationship between her cousin and the gorgeous Celeste. “They’ve actually gone to Cambridge to spend the weekend with Jon’s dad. Jon invited me along but I saw Uncle Edward a few weeks ago, just before you got back, and this is only the second time Jon’s taking Celeste out there, so I thought it’d be better for just the two of them to go.” She laid down next to Patrick and nestled her head on his chest. “So I’m quite afraid you’re stuck with just me this weekend,” she finished with a smile.

  “Well aren’t I just the luckiest man in the world,” Patrick said dramatically with a big smile as he lifted his head to kiss Eleanor.

  “Dinner at yours sounds good, if this sun holds out, we could eat out on the roof terrace,” Eleanor said.

  “Sounds perfect. I can cook or we can pick something up on our way back?” Patrick suggested with a questioning tone.

  Eleanor smiled childishly, “Could we pick up takeaway from Pizza Express? I’m kind of craving pizza and their dough balls.”

  Grinning back, “With the garlic butter?”

  “Especially with the garlic butter, duh,” Eleanor said rolling her eyes and laughing.

  Patrick laughed back and checked his watch. “Well, it’s about five o’clock, we’ve been sitting out here for a few hours already. You ok to hang out here for a bit longer while I put in an order on my phone, then we can pick it up on our way back?

  “Sounds like a solid plan,” Eleanor replied smiling.

  Patrick opened up his phone and placed their order online as Eleanor stretched out on the blanket. She was looking forward to the rest of the evening and spending more time with Patrick. They were still taking it slow, but enjoying every moment they had together and learning more about each other.

  Eleanor’s mom was planning another trip to visit at the end of the month for Eleanor’s graduation. She’d been in the spring but still hadn’t met Patrick as he’d been on location. So this next visit would be important. And Eleanor and Patrick were already planning a summer trip up to Scotland to spend time at his family’s place up there, she’d already been to meet his parents in Oxford, and then they were tentatively planning a trip to visit Cassie in Arizona around Thanksgiving time in the autumn. Patrick had suggested sooner but as soon as she told him what August’s usual temperatures were in Phoenix he quickly agreed that it would be better for Cassie to visit them in the summer and for them to visit her in the autumn.

  Patrick finished ordering dinner and then laid down beside Eleanor, his head next to hers, reaching for her hand and then placing it on his chest. They stayed like that, for a little while longer, lost in their own little world, so many plans and hopes for the future, oblivious to the other couples and families
with kids running around the park around them, as the summer sun shone above them, slowly working its way above large puffy white clouds, towards the western horizon, as London hummed with activity and the afternoon worked its way towards evening and everything felt just as it should.

  The End

  Acknowledgements

  There are so many people to acknowledge and thank when comes to this book. I almost don’t know where to start. So, I’ll start with my parents. Dad, your career in the U.S. Army gave me a childhood full of travel and amazing memories and your knowledge of history and geography made me a huge history and travel nerd. Mom, you were always a million things at once when I was growing up. You taught me that I could be anything I wanted to be. You and Dad taught me a love of reading from a young age and watching you write your own stories taught me that writing wasn’t something only certain people could do. Growing up with a writer in the family made me feel a little less daunted about writing my own books. Mom and Dad, you both taught me to believe in myself and in the power of following my dreams. You taught me that nothing was impossible. I love you so much.

  Alicia, my parents gave me my first trip to London, but you gave me the London that I fell in love with. You gave me my first proper trip to London as an adult and it forever changed my live. This book wouldn’t exist if you hadn’t given me that first trip and shown me a side of London that only a local would know. Your generosity in opening your home to me over the next several years allowed me to visit more and get to know the city even better. You introduced me to places I might never have found. I am forever grateful. I’m also completely indebted for the wealth of knowledge, insider info, and background details on the expat life in London you provided to make Eleanor’s experience more authentic. This book is so much richer and more detailed because of your feedback. Thanks a million!