Secrets of My Heart

by Tracie Peterson

  “Seth, I’m sorry,” Clementine began. “I didn’t mean to worry you. It was a simple birthday party, and we were with other women. No one was going to do anything to harm us there. I saw no reason to think it was dangerous.”

  “Nor did I. Now, however, we know Mr. Lakewood and his friends—bankers, lawyers, manufacturing owners—are all involved in this plot to start a war with the Indians. I want to know what we can do to stop them,” Nancy said, sounding upset.

  “You”—Seth pointed at them both—“don’t do anything! It would be absolutely foolish for you to try to stop those men.”

  Nancy got to her feet. “I don’t deserve nor will I sit here and listen to your criticism of my decision to go tonight. It gave us proof that we need to stop these men. Furthermore, you aren’t my brother or my husband.”

  Seth stood as well and held out his hands in placation. “I may not be either of those, but I care deeply for you. I don’t want you to end up like your husband—floating in the river because you dared to cross the wrong person.”

  Nancy shivered. “Do you honestly think that’s what happened?”

  “Who can say why, but I do believe he was murdered, and probably by one of those men you deemed safe enough to spend your evening with.”

  Nancy’s ire returned, and she spun away from him. “I thought it would be helpful, and I was right. I’m sorry if you don’t support my decision.”

  She stormed into the house, letting the screen door slam behind her.

  “Nancy!” Seth called.

  Clementine took his arm. “You’ll never get her to understand by yelling.”

  He sighed. “Neither of you seems to understand just how dangerous this situation is.”

  “And how do you suddenly have such an intimate knowledge of this terribly dangerous situation?” Clementine asked.

  He shook his head. “I can’t say.”

  “So you know even more than you’re letting on.” Her voice was almost accusatory. “I thought you were acting rather strangely.”

  “Don’t say anything to Nancy or anyone else. I can’t explain it all right now, but in time I promise I will.”

  Clementine looked at him for a long moment, then started for the door. “I think you’ve handled this poorly, and if I were you, I’d show up tomorrow with flowers and an apology.”

  Nancy paced her bedroom floor. Seth Carpenter had some nerve, scolding her like a wayward child. She’d only tried to help—to do what she could in a place and time that seemed completely safe.

  She plopped into a chair and reached down to remove her shoes. Why couldn’t he understand that she only wanted to help? Gerome Berkshire would never have allowed Seth to get close enough to overhear his plans.

  A sigh escaped her. Why should Seth get so upset anyway?

  Because he loves you.

  There was no one speaking the words, but still the statement lingered. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking.

  “Do I want him to love me?” she whispered.

  Getting to her feet, she began to unfasten the hooks that held her bodice to the skirt. She had come to care for Seth. She knew that. She had told herself over and over that it wasn’t love, it was merely the comfort of familiarity. Now, however, she felt uncertain. Had she fallen in love with him?

  She didn’t like to consider it. For years she had lived without love and had done very well. When occasional feelings reared their head, Nancy had easily tucked them aside and reordered her emotions. She had known her lot in life, and it wasn’t to be adored and loved by her husband, and therefore she could not be loved and adored by anyone else.

  “But Albert is dead,” she reasoned.

  She finished undressing and pulled a white lawn nightgown over her head. Next, she went to her dressing table and began to pull the combs and pins from her hair. Still she contemplated her heart. She had only just accepted that God loved her. She had finally come to see that He could forgive her. That He wanted to forgive her. How could she possibly add the love of a man to the madness that was her life?

  Nancy brushed the tangles from her hair. Would that she could brush out the troubles of life as easily.

  “Father, I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. My life is a jumble of feelings that I can’t seem to properly sort. I listen to the pastor preach that I must trust and obey you in everything, that I must love you with all my heart and soul and mind. But I don’t know how to do that. Please help me. I don’t know how to love you in a proper way, and I don’t know how to love Seth either.”

  Seth took his sister’s advice the next morning and went searching for flowers first thing. Thankfully there were several street vendors with flower carts on the outskirts of the city who had bouquets for sale. He purchased a small bunch of various blooms and headed back to his apartment. It was still too early to show up at Nancy’s. The other ladies would no doubt make much ado about his appearance, and before he knew it, one of the Misses Clifton would be chiding him for his improper attention to social etiquette.

  He was contemplating just how long he’d have to wait when he reached his block and saw that Gabe Armistead was waiting for him on the steps outside his building. Seth grinned. Gabe was the perfect answer. No one would question his showing up in the early hours of the morning with Nancy’s brother in tow.

  “Gabe! What brings you here?” Seth bounded up the steps and gave his friend a hug.

  “I just had a hankering to visit. Seems I can’t get a certain redheaded girl out of my mind.”

  “Oh dear. Sounds like you are smitten.” Seth grinned.

  “Maybe. I need a little more exposure to be sure,” Gabe replied, laughing. He pointed at the flowers. “I think those are probably for my sister. Guess you’re smitten too.”

  “Could be.” Seth looked down at the bouquet, remembering their harsh words the night before. “Actually, I’m glad you’re here. There’s something I need to talk to you about. Come upstairs. This is going to take a while, and by the time I finish, it will be an acceptable hour to go calling.”

  They went upstairs and settled into Seth’s apartment. “This may seem a strange tale, but I hope you’ll give me a chance to explain when you hear what I’ve done and how it involves your sister.”

  Gabe gave him a look that was somewhere between disapproval and concern. “I hope it’s nothing untoward.”

  “Not exactly.” Seth got up and began to pace his small sitting room. “When I was back east, I was approached by a man named Elijah Brady. He works in the Bureau of Indian Affairs. He told me they’ve been having difficulties with rifles being given to the Indian tribes in various locations in the Northwest. They suspected a man named Albert Pritchard of supplying the weapons, as well as alcohol.”

  “Nancy’s Albert?”

  “Yes. I didn’t realize it at the time. The reason they came to me was that Mr. Brady learned I was from the Oregon City area. When he told me he needed someone to go to Portland to investigate Albert Pritchard, I mentioned that it would be easy enough for me because my sister was taking a teaching position there. He explained what was involved, and I agreed to come. I had no idea Nancy was married to Albert.”

  Seth continued. “I learned that Pritchard had died and left behind a widow. Brady suggested that she might be involved as well and that we needed to investigate her and learn what we could about Pritchard’s associates. When I came to Portland, I nosed around and discovered that Nancy Pritchard had gone to John Lincoln to manage her late husband’s affairs.”

  “So you went there and got a job?” Gabe asked, clearly still not quite understanding.

  “I went to John, and I suppose it was the Lord telling me to trust him, but I explained to him why I was in Portland. I told him that I understood he’d taken on Albert Pritchard’s will and that I needed to pretend to work with him so that I could have access to all of Pritchard’s papers. I explained that it might well save the lives of hundreds, if not thousands, and he agreed to hire me on.

&
nbsp; “When I realized who Nancy was, I knew she would never be involved in anything like we suspected Pritchard of doing. John Lincoln told me he had known her nearly all the time she’d lived in Portland—even attended church with her—and that he didn’t believe she knew anything about her husband’s underhanded affairs.”

  “Does she have any idea what’s going on?”

  “She knows her husband was involved in buying weapons to give to the Indians—whiskey too. She knows it was done with the desire to entice the Indians to start a war. She also knows that Gerome Berkshire is involved. Against my wish that she not get involved, she went to a party being held in his honor last night. She dragged Clementine along as well, because she thought they might learn something more about the people involved. And, to be fair, they did. I now have a list of names.”

  “She’s always been rebellious,” Gabe said, shaking his head. “She always thinks she knows best.”

  Seth nodded. “If she continues to investigate on her own, she could end up getting herself and my sister killed, and that would make me very unhappy.”

  “Wouldn’t make me or our family too happy either,” Gabe replied. “So what do you want me to do?”

  “Nancy thinks she knows where one of the caches might be. She said the layout of the map looked familiar. It’s a place Albert used to take her for picnics. Most likely he was already hiding weapons and wanted to do business while they were there, because he’d leave Nancy alone near the site for quite some time. Anyway, I’m thinking we get Nancy to draw us a map, and you and I go check it out. But I have to ask that you say nothing to Nancy about my work. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, but I felt it important to be honest with John and now you. I need a partner in this.”

  “What about being honest with Nancy?” Gabe raised his brows. “Doesn’t she deserve that?”

  “I can’t. At first it was because I didn’t know whether or not she was involved, but now I feel like if I tell her, she’ll be angry and maybe do something foolish.”

  “Like go to a party where all the men in attendance are planning an Indian uprising?” Gabe shook his head. “I know you love her. I can hear it in your voice when you talk about her. But you have to have honesty in order to have trust, and you can’t have love without trust.”

  Seth rubbed his chin. He knew Gabe was right, but there was no way he wanted to tell Nancy and risk her life. Worse still, he was afraid to tell her and risk her rejection.

  “I’ll tell her in time, but right now we have to find that cache. No doubt Berkshire and his associates have the book. Apparently he implied as much last night. If they do have it, they’re going to find those caches. I want to get to the one Nancy remembers and see if we can’t follow them to the others. When it’s all over and done with, I’ll tell her everything. I promise.”

  “I believe you. I just hope it won’t be too late,” Gabe said, his voice filled with concern.

  Seth hoped it wouldn’t be either.

  “Gabe, what a surprise!” Nancy hugged her brother. “Are you still growing? I swear you’re taller.” She looked beyond him to where Seth stood, flowers in hand.

  When their eyes met, Seth extended the bouquet. “I believe I owe you an apology for my behavior last night.”

  Nancy nodded. “You do.” She took the bouquet and smelled the flowers, watching him all the while.

  “I’m sorry. I was just very concerned about your decision to go with Berkshire.”

  She glanced over her shoulder toward Gabe. He’d taken himself inside, however, so she didn’t need to worry about him overhearing.

  “I want to see if I can find the cache,” she said.

  Seth shook his head. “You can’t, Nancy. It’s far too dangerous. Those men have the maps now. They’ll know where to go, and you can’t be out there with them. I’ll go. Gabe and I will both go. We just need you to draw us a map.”

  “Gabe? You’ve involved Gabe in this?”

  “I felt it was important to have help. That way we can watch each other’s backs.”

  Nancy knew it was the wise thing to do. The problem was that she wanted to be involved. Seth’s tone of voice, however, made it more than clear that he wasn’t about to let her come along.

  She remembered that Seth was a man of logic and reasoning. “Why wouldn’t three of us be even better? I can carry a gun as well as Gabe. The same man taught us both to shoot.”

  “And you think you could kill a man?” Seth asked, narrowing his blue eyes.

  “Well, if he was about to kill you or Gabe, I think I could.”

  Seth shook his head. “Nancy, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  “And I don’t want anything to happen to you! I don’t think I could bear it.” She had never meant anything as much as she did that statement. She was still struggling with her feelings, but Seth Carpenter had taken an important place in her heart, and she didn’t want to send him out to die.

  He stepped forward and, to her surprise, touched her cheek. She didn’t move for fear he’d stop. She liked the warmth of his hand on her face. Her breath quickened as she contemplated whether he might kiss her.

  “Nancy . . . please don’t make this more difficult. I care for you. Surely you know that by now.”

  “I care for you, too, Seth.” It wasn’t exactly a declaration of love, but she felt confident that was what he intended it to mean. She intended the same.

  “I need you to do as I ask. Please just trust me and Gabe to get the job done. I promise that no matter what happens, I’ll tell you everything.”

  She frowned and pulled away. “All of my life people have been ordering me about and demanding I go or stay at their command. I’m sick of it.”

  “As I understand it, you never listened to them anyway and did pretty much as you pleased.” Seth’s expression dared her to argue. “I’m not trying to order you about. I’m asking. Begging, really. Please do this for me. Please.”

  Nancy looked down at the flowers. Part of her wanted to throw them back in his face, while another part was touched that he cared so much about her well-being. “Fine. Come to the dining room, and I’ll draw you a map.”

  She left him to follow her and made her way inside. She put the flowers in water, then went to Albert’s office for a pencil and piece of paper.

  “I know this isn’t easy for you.”

  She looked up to find her brother’s frame filling the doorway. “No, it’s not. I don’t understand why I can’t be a part of this. I am, after all, the one whose husband was up to his neck in it. I deserve to know what’s going on and to try to right his wrong.”

  “Which you are doing by helping us.”

  She came to him with paper in hand. “I’m tired of being left out of things.”

  “Your husband did that a lot, didn’t he?” Gabe asked, his voice sympathetic.

  She met his dark eyes and nodded. “Yes. Yes, he did. He wasn’t at all the man I thought he was. I couldn’t admit that to anyone then, but now I can. I was foolish to marry him, just as everyone said.”

  “But you loved him.” Gabe smiled.

  “I did,” Nancy admitted, shaking her head. “At least as much as I understood love. I think mostly it was infatuation with a life that allowed me to have some say over my destiny and choices. Albert promised to give me free rein, and he did. Of course, that freedom came at the cost of love and was never really freedom at all.”

  “I’m sorry for that. You deserved better. I think this time around you’ll have it.”

  “This time around?”

  He chuckled. “I know you know that Seth has feelings for you. I think you’ve completely captured his heart. And from the way I’ve seen you watch him, I think he’s captured yours, as well.”

  Nancy could see her brother was serious. “When did you become an expert in such matters?”

  He laughed all the more. “I’m not claiming to be an expert. I just see the way you two look at each other. I hear it in your voices when you
talk to each other.”

  She smiled. “Well, only time will tell, but I think your perception is skewed by your own romantic desires. Seems to me you have special feelings for a certain redheaded boarder of mine.”

  “Could be,” Gabe said, stepping away from the door so Nancy could exit. “Maybe once we get all your troubles squared away, I’ll be able to pursue my own interests.”

  Seth awaited them in the dining room, and once Nancy had drawn out the map as best as she remembered it, the men were ready to leave.

  “You’ll come back and tell me what you’ve found?” she asked.

  “If we find anything,” Seth replied. He gave Nancy a smile. “But I promise I’ll come back and let you know what’s going on.”

  Nancy looked at the clock. “It’s nearly noon. Why don’t you stay for lunch? The Clifton sisters won’t be here, nor Mimi, so it will probably be just us. Mrs. Weaver might come down, but she rarely does, and if she knows anyone else is here, she most assuredly won’t.”

  Gabe looked at Seth and grinned. “I could stand to wait until after lunch.”

  “I suppose it makes sense not to go out on an empty stomach,” Seth agreed, smiling. “Very well, you’ve convinced us. Lunch first and then we’re off.”

  Chapter 18

  Nancy hurried to prepare something to eat. She had a roast in the oven that would take care of supper that evening and leftovers for Sunday, but she hadn’t given lunch any real concern. Checking her supplies, she finally settled on throwing together some smoked salmon with fried cabbage and potatoes. She knew her brother and Seth had a sweet tooth and was grateful there were still quite a few oatmeal cookies in the cookie jar.

  She set the table in between stirring and chopping. Seth and Gabe had apparently gone back out to the porch, because she heard nothing from them in the front room. Wondering if they wanted coffee or something cold to drink with their lunch, she made her way toward the front door. The front room windows were open to let in the air, and they let in conversation, as well.