All The Letters I’ve Ever Read

by Gray, Ace

  “Perhaps the difference is that James knows me and what will make me happy where Tanner was a complete idiot on the subject.” She speaks through a clenched jaw, her lips barely moving.

  “On the contrary. I hear he makes you cry all the time.” Michael folds his cards and lays them down on the table with seven subsequent snap, snap, snaps of the cards.

  It sounds remarkably like snapping his neck in the vivid picture I have playing in my mind.

  “You don’t know anything about him,” Mina snarls.

  “I know he’s not good for you.”

  “Michael,” Lara chides.

  “You know nothing, period.” Mina stands up and crosses her arms on her chest, chilling in her icy anger.

  “I know he kissed some chick while he was dating you.”

  I slam my cards down on the table and shove to standing. Mina reaches out, her pinky finding mine. Her touch settles me, and I regret my flare of temper. Michael deserves nothing from me, least of all my barely traded emotions.

  “I know that any jerkoff who’d do that isn’t good enough to marry.”

  “I will kill Courtney and her big mouth about four hours after I kill you. I plan on cementing both of your bodies into a freshly poured foundation.” Mina squeezes on my finger.

  “Don’t get mad at Court, she’s worried. The last time she was worried was when you and Tanner blew up, so she seems to have a sixth sense about these sorts of things.” Michael sits back and crosses his arms across his barrel chest.

  “He cheated on you?” Mina’s dad is the color of a fire engine and the tension in his jaw suggests he may explode and soon.

  I know the feeling. Fury so deep in the pit of my stomach that if I unleash it, it’ll barrel through my veins, ricochet my heart off my rib cage and send my clenched fist flying. I just refuse to let it out. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of knowing which buttons they’ve pressed and how badly it hurts that they did.

  “I will not give you my blessing, Mina,” Francis adds, his words sputtering just like his spittle.

  “Fine. I don’t want it. I have my blessing and that’s all that matters.” She scoots closer to me. “I don’t need a dowry, James isn’t in the market for fucking camels or doubloons or land holdings or whatever shit is leftover from practically medieval times like asking for permission. All any of you need to know is that I love him. I love all of him. The good, the bad, and everything in between. I said yes with my eyes wide open, and I am marrying him knowing I will never love another person as wholly and completely as I love James Larrabee.”

  Her proclamation is exactly that. Proclaimed from her spot at the head of the table where her shoulders still heave in time with her furious breaths and her free hand shakes the slightest bit. She is a tempest raging. Raging for me.

  Nothing has ever made me love her more. This passion, this anger, the wild and free rein of her emotions. It’s everything I’m not and everything so beautiful about Mina that it may burn. I tug on her arm the slightest bit and she angles ever so slightly toward me. The tension releases from my free hand as I reach up and push her hair behind her ear.

  “Me too, ya know.”

  She wavers just the slightest bit then turns up a small smile that falls almost as quickly as it came. I want it back with a ferocity that I rarely know. One that’s far more volatile than the temper that had been there a moment ago. One that makes me want to show her how much I love her, how unbelievably everything she is to me.

  Even if it shows how utterly weak I am for her and that I’m left vulnerable in her wake.

  So I kiss her. I hear the gasp against my lips and feel it send goose bumps trailing down my neck. Her hand reaches up for mine and her fingers lace in as she kisses me back. Chaste at first then matching the urgency I have. The pure need coursing through me that has to show her she is mine as much as she’s said she is.

  This is my proclamation to the table.

  The room erupts in noise. Francis and Michael both fuming, Lara trying to calm them. I know there are f-bombs flying like it’s World War Three and vitriol that I definitely don’t need to hear. I just need to keep staring into Mina’s eyes.

  Because in Mina’s eyes, there is no doubt. There’s no anger or hurt. She’s just staring back at me with the breathless ghost of a smile on her face. I’ve never kissed her like that in front of people—not knowingly anyway—and she knows it.

  “What on earth is going on in here?” A warm, rich voice silences the din and breaks the moment between Mina and I as her mom walks into the room.

  Luna McLenna is a warm breeze, subtle smiles, and gentleness. It’s hard not to smile when she’s around, she’s everything soft inside of Mina without the unbridled bits. She’s wonderful and it’s only partially because she’s the only McLennan besides Mina that likes me.

  “This fucker cheated on Mina.” Michael points at me.

  “Michael.” God love Lara for continuously trying to rein him in.

  “This fucker is being a complete asshole.” Mina points right back.

  “I can’t believe this man is allowed in our house,” Francis adds. Mina edges her shoulder in front of me.

  As if I’m cue, the baby starts crying. Luna’s face pinches even as she picks up her grandson and starts bouncing. “I know, they’re terrible aren’t they?” She runs a singular finger down Porter’s chubby cheek. “We should be celebrating babies and weddings—”

  The noise erupts again, only Luna and I are silent for a moment. I can’t find words, not the ones I want anyway. Acid is on the top of my tongue but Mina’s hand in mine reminds me I don’t want to spit it. Sure, I want to defend myself, but I don’t know how. Not with her family; I don’t even know the rules of engagement with Mina, really, let alone her entire family.

  “I have cancer,” Luna says softly, still holding the baby.

  At first I’m the only one that hears her, and her eyes meet mine a second later. She offers me a small, sorrowful smile I recognize too well from Mina. I slip my pinky from Mina’s only to lace our full hands together and squeeze. She looks at me and whatever she sees stops her words cold. She doesn’t ask me what? she doesn’t need to. I jerk my chin toward her mom.

  When Mina turns away from the table argument and toward her mother, her dad and brother follow suit. The room quiets and the weight of it seems to press in on all of us, not just me because I heard.

  “Thank you for listening, James.” She smiles briefly at me before looking back down on the baby. “Noticing the little details and being cautious with your words, actions, and reactions is a very undervalued trait in this family. You’ll take great care of Mina if things go sideways, of that I have no doubt.”

  “What do you mean, if things go sideways?” Mina asks.

  “Had you all been listening instead of shouting at each other, you would have heard the first time.” Just the way she inclines her head is so precisely motherly in its natural scold, I almost laugh. Almost. But I know what’s coming and I don’t know how to protect Mina from it. At all. And that scares me for a whole myriad of reasons. I don’t have time to think it through, or prepare a life raft though, because almost as nonchalantly as she strolled into the room, Luna says it again.

  “Kids, I had a thing about two months ago and it just didn’t feel right, so I had some tests done.” She sighs and runs a finger down Porter’s cheek again. “And it turns out, I have cancer.”

  For a few minutes no one speaks. I don’t even think we breath or allow our heartbeats to shudder. Instead, we all just watch Luna, holding her grandson as if she hadn’t just told her family their world was bottoming out.

  I’m disoriented to say the least. I went to great lengths not to show it, but I felt Michael and Francis’ words. Each one. There’s nothing they can do or say that makes me feel less worthy of being with Mina—I already know I’m not. Being reminded of that is always a low point. Mina’s love, the way she loves me, is an incredible high. Hearing her fight for me—for
us—despite everything was worth showing a little bit of my insides for. And now…

  Now none of us know up from down.

  I keep my grip on Mina’s hand as I watch her. She looks smaller, her hand suddenly feels fragile in mine. The glisten in her eyes is gone and the only thing I can tell on her usually expressive face is that she’s retreated far enough that I can’t find her. Not really.

  Michael erupts, angry tears pouring down his beat red face. His emotions just as rough hewn as they were when they were directed at me, but hurt, confused, and in pain. Each of his outbursts make Mina flinch. Each tiny flinch is a fist to my stomach, but I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to make it better for her. I start to pull her into a hug only for her to drop my hand and turn away from the table.

  I give her space, but only a few footsteps, as I follow her through the house. The rest of her family is still ringing in my ears, Luna’s look haunting behind my eyes. I blink them all away and try to keep my focus on Mina. She looks a little lost, a little shaky, even though this is the house she grew up in. The front door handle springs up as she bobbles it and the door catches on the rug as she pulls it open, walking blindly into the front yard. I just ghost after her, closing the door behind her. Closing it on the madness inside and leaving us in the blanket of silence covering the front yard.

  “Mina—”

  “Don’t,” she cuts me off; her words deep and trembling, the timbre they only get when she’s mad at each and every corner of the universe. I know it from when she was mad at me.

  “I’m here.” I reach out for her only for her to side step away.

  “Don’t touch me.” Her eyes meet mine, and there’s something pained and feral beneath the glistening, trembling silver of her tears.

  I don’t listen. Just like the last time she ran from the pain of it all, I wrap my arms around her just to make sure she doesn’t fall.

  “Leave me alone.” She elbows me hard enough that I feel the whoof move from my gut to my throat and escape.

  She wobbles out of my arms and I let her go for a minute before I notice how close she is to the curb. I’m about to yank her back into my arms, whether she likes it or not, when she crumples to a ball on the curb. The movement is so defeated that I feel the compulsion to grab her again. To cradle her despite what she said before.

  But I force myself to stop. To shove my hands at my sides.

  I know what it’s like to get overwhelmed, to run. When Mina tried to run from me, I saw the signs of a panic attack written across her body as plain as if they were listed in ink bullet notes. I’ve had them since I was little and she’s the only one I’ve ever told about it. What I know better than most is I need space, I need to be able to breathe when that is closing in on me. So I’ll give her what I crave most, a little distance and a hell of a lot of respect for making it through one. I resign myself to sit in silence next to her until she needs me.

  “She can’t die,” Mina mutters. “She just can’t.” She gracelessly shoves tears from her cheek. “Not now because of Porter. Not ever because we won’t make it. No one in this family will. She’s the calm while we’re the storm.”

  Mina isn’t talking to me, not really, so I just let her keep going. Now is not the time to ask why she doesn’t list needing her mom at our wedding, it’s a selfish thought and I’m an ass because it’s even popped into my head. I just need to be there for her while she falls.

  “We’re a mess, my family, but she makes us make sense. If she’s gone…” The rest of the sentence gets lost in her throat.

  I reach for her hand, letting just my pinky skate the length of hers before reaching to wrap around it.

  “Good Christ, Tanner, don’t touch me. Can’t you just let me feel something for once?” she breaks, screaming at me. Tanner’s name instead of mine is something akin to her reaching into my chest and ripping out my heart. My hand falls away from hers this time. “Sorry, James. I…” She can’t even finish the sentence, her face as horrified as my heart is.

  “What, did he kiss a perfect stranger and call it muscle memory again or maybe it’s his ability to make you fall in love then rip the rug out from under you and call it for your own good that has you so upset, Mina?” Michael’s words hold a venom that startles me even though it shouldn’t as he strides toward us on the grass.

  Mina says nothing in response.

  Fucking nothing.

  I stand and turn to face him, sucking in a deep breath as I do. Pushing down the words I want to say and trading each one for the words I need to instead. “I know you’re upset right now, Michael, but—”

  “You don’t know shit,” he spits the words. “And you shouldn’t be here.”

  “I’m Mina’s fiancé.” I try to stand my ground.

  “You shouldn’t be that either,” he seethes. “You hurt her more times than I can count and each time you trick her into coming back. I don’t know how but she gets amnesia when you cheat and lie and steal her heart. When you call her too much.” He slowly moves toward me, leaning in, nose headed straight for mine.

  I swallow audibly as my fists clench at my sides.

  “I told you I was friends with Courtney. You going to leave her hanging, again, when this is too much? Because it’s about to be too much.”

  Mina sobs behind me. Big, rib wracking sobs at the mention of what’s to come. Or maybe my misspoken words. A small part of me hopes at the way her brother screams at me too. It’s selfish as hell but I need her now, too. I need to know we’re on the same side, that she wants me here. I can weather anything, be steadfast at her side, if she says she wants me here.

  I need to know that Tanner isn’t on her mind. That what happened with Tanner isn’t either.

  I wait for the words, for the brush of her fingertips, for anything but nothing comes. No words, just tears. I feel them prick the corners of my eyes too. Michael sits down on the curb beside her, taking up the real estate I’d occupied not minutes ago. Mina falls into his chest and lets him wrap her in a giant bear hug as real and fervent tears shake her shoulders.

  Tears finally fall down my cheeks, just a few on each side, but they’re indicative of the ones cascading inside of me. I shove the real ones aside before anyone can see but they don’t stop sailing down the smooth muscle of my heart.

  My fiancée is broken, bleeding out, and in excruciating pain, and she won’t let me fix it.

  I don’t know how long we sit there—well, I stand, isolated from the two of them—but my knees begin to hurt. I have to wiggle one ankle then the other and I’m desperate for a beer. Or a bed. Anything to take the edge of tonight off. But I don’t dare move. Not when I’m standing silent watch, not when she might need me.

  Finally, Michael coaxes her up from the curb. I move to her side but she flinches. With a heavy sigh, I step back and let Michael help her into the house. I tell myself she needs to sleep, she needs to adjust to this, then it’ll be fine. Well, not fine, but she’ll talk to me and I’ll reassure her. I’ll be her rock while she gets tumbled by the inevitable waves of emotion. I’ll find all the facts and research reports about whatever type of cancer Luna has. Doctors too. We’ll make a list of appointments and I’ll take off whatever days I can from work. I even debate trading in my truck for something with a little bit better gas mileage so we can make the four hour drive as often as necessary. I’ll help her feel like she has a little control over this. I’ll help her feel like she isn’t losing her mom.

  And I’ll take her to bed and make her forget all of it for an hour or two.

  I take small comfort in having a plan myself. A checklist of things to do for Mina to get through this. I’ll buy a little leather moleskin notebook calendar, the exact type she has but with dates and a place for phone numbers—

  Mid thought, the front door of Mina’s parents’ house snaps in my face. I stub the toe of my boot on the doorstop. It feels like a slap in the face, but I try to shake it off. Things aren’t right, right now. I reach for the
door handle and jiggle it. It doesn’t budge.

  I look up just in time to see Michael flip me off in the stained-glass center of the door. I can picture my hands around his finger, bending it back until it snaps and cracks off in a different direction.

  The jokes on me though. No broken finger, no matter how many times it’s broken or if the bone punctures the flesh, is as painful as realizing Mina doesn’t realize he’s done it.

  Sure, I could have knocked on the door. Sure, I could have called Mina if her dickhead brother didn’t answer. I’m even pretty sure that I could’ve waved through the windows until Luna or Lara saw. But the truth was, I had no desire to be in that house.

  It seemed so small from out on the lawn. Suffocating almost. And Mina’s words stung.

  Mercifully we’d driven my truck. Where I’d thought about trading it in an hour or two ago, I have a renewed gratitude for it. And the sleeping bag and paco pads I always keep in the bed.

  I toss from side to side, making excuses for Mina. She seemed to be having a panic attack again, just like after I kissed Jenna. Panic attacks leave me numb and foggy, I have to sleep off the adrenaline rush before I can see straight. Sometimes it takes more—days and quiet solitude even. My mom rattling off the symptoms in a clinical checklist from when I was little echoes inside my head. She always had an objective and unsympathetic answer. Symptoms were puzzles to be solved, not a process that needed to heal. I hated her approach. I won’t subject Mina to it.

  Even if I am sleeping in my truck.

  I fluff my sweatshirt substitute for a pillow and turn over. “I just wish she wanted me in there,” I say to absolutely no one.

  The longer I lay awake, the more I think about tonight. Sure, about Mina’s reaction—which I get, I really do, even if I loathe it—but also what her dad said. What her dickface brother did too. They weren’t wrong. I should have asked permission, right? I mean Mina didn’t seem to mind but… And I had screwed up enough that I didn’t deserve to be in Mina’s heart, but she’d let me in anyway. Hadn’t she…