I look up at the pack house. Snow covers the wide roof, and icicles dangle from the edges. Just going to a funeral is bringing up painful, lonely memories. I was old enough to know what was going on, but too young to understand what came after. Heck, I still don’t.
Ash grabs my hand, intertwining our fingers as we walk toward the house. I didn’t realize how much I needed his touch until now.
“How are you doing?” he asks.
I give him a faint smile. “I’m okay.”
His brows draw together and he stops. He turns to me, concern written across his face. “You don’t have to do this. We can get right back in the car.”
Before he finishes, I’m already shaking my head. “No, this is important to you and your new pack. And it’s important to me. I didn’t know Charlie well, but I want to be here.” I may not know Alice well, but she lost her father. She needs all of us at her side right now.
“How are you doing?” I ask. He also lost someone in the battle. Not only that, he saw his parents right after they died. Is this bringing up painful memories for him?
Ash steps closer, placing a kiss on my forehead. “I’m doing okay.” He squeezes my hand. “You ready?”
I nod and he leads us up the steps.
A wave of heat hits us as we walk through the door. The place is packed. I cling onto Ash’s arm as we make our way toward the back of the cabin. Ash nods to others as we pass by, and like Ash said, no one is wearing black. Everywhere I look I see a kaleidoscope of colors. You wouldn’t have guessed this was a wake if it weren’t for the solemn faces.
When we reach the back of the pack house, it opens into a large room with tall ceilings and a rustic chandelier hanging above. Giant windows take up the entire back wall. There’s an empty beige wrap-around sectional in the center of the room with a fireplace in front of it, and giant windows casting the light from the rising sun into the room.
Noticing my gaze, Ash leans in and murmurs, “My parents designed this place.”
Everyone else is either talking to one another in hushed tones or giving their condolences to those near the unlit fireplace. My steps falter when I see Alice standing, clasping an urn in her hands. My heart aches at the sight.
Ash walks us straight to her.
“Alice.” He clenches his jaw, his hand gripping mine tighter. “I’m so sorry. I have failed you and the rest of the pack.”
My chest tightens at the pain in his voice. Does he blame himself for what happened? If anyone should be blamed, it should be me. For moving here and starting this whole mess. I squeeze his hand.
Alice’s lip quivers as she shakes her head. “Please don’t blame yourself,” she says quietly. “He always knew you would take the place of alpha one day. I know he would be proud of you.” A tear escapes and rolls down her cheek as she keeps her gaze downcast. “I’m sorry about Zac...” Alice clings more tightly onto the urn, clenching it to her chest as her eyes glisten from unshed tears.
“Nothing to apologize for,” Ash says roughly. “We’re always here for you, Alice. You’re not alone.”
A few more tears spill over. “Is it time yet?”
He briefly closes his eyes before nodding.
Not long after, he leads everyone outside. Alice trails behind us with Foster and Russell at her side. Behind them in sections are the other nine urns.
We cross the open field that lays behind the pack house and enter the forest beyond. We walk for fifteen minutes until we reach an area dotted with hundreds of different types of trees, all at different stages of growth. We walk through them until we reach an area where the snow has been shoveled aside. There are ten small trees—unplanted—next to ten holes.
Ash stands next to one of the saplings, keeping me at his side, and waits until everyone has settled. Each person holding an urn stands beside a tree. Ash gestures for Alice to join us. She takes her place on the other side of the tree. Foster stays beside her with a hand resting on her lower back.
It’s a bit strange being the only human here and standing next to their alpha as an equal, but no one gives me odd looks or comments on it. Does the pack already trust him? What do they think of me?
Ash looks to Alice, who nods, and clears his throat. “Thank you, everyone, for gathering today to celebrate the lives that were lost to us earlier this week. I would first like to begin with our head warrior, Charles Harris.” He takes a deep breath.
“When my parents died, Charlie went out of his way to be there for me despite the rocky relationship he had with them. He always put everyone else first and encouraged us to be our best selves. But he also never judged. When I did nothing to help this pack after my parents died, he never judged me—even though he probably should have.” He pauses, breathing deeply through his nose. “Charlie was a safe place for not only me, but for a lot of us. If I could’ve picked an alpha to lead you today, it would’ve been him. He was one in every sense but name. I will try to do my best to make him proud and to lead you all well.”
I wipe away a few stray tears once he’s finished.
Being a leader comes naturally to Ash as he proceeds to talk about each lost lycan on a personal level, and how much they’ll be missed. He already knows all of these people in his pack, and I didn’t even have a clue. Despite what he said, he’s meant for this position.
Once he finishes speaking, he turns to the sapling next to him and lightly grazes over its small leaves. “As we place their ashes with their saplings, let us remember their courage, strength, and love. For each of us packs are what we live and breathe by, and now they will forever continue to give air to the pack.”
Ash gestures to Alice. She takes a shaky breath and nods to Foster.
Foster takes the lid off the urn for her. She reaches her hand in, grabbing a small handful of Charlie’s ashes. Her hand hovers over the tree sapling as she slowly releases his ashes from her palm.
When done, she grips the urn with both hands and tips it over the hole, slightly shaking it as the ashes pour out and into the soil. Foster picks up the sapling and places it in the hole and covers it with more soil. Alice recloses the urn and places it beside the tree.
I realize the others have done the same with their own sapling and ashes. Everyone takes turns caressing the leaves of the plants before making their way back to the house. I stand by Ash until no one is left.
Ash slumps onto his couch, and I sit down beside him. He looks exhausted, eyes downcast and his skin paler than normal. He leans against me, resting his forehead on my shoulder. I lift a hand and tangle my fingers in his already mussed hair, massaging his scalp like he’s done for me countless of times. A small noise escapes him as his shoulders shake.
“Ash?” I turn to him, his head never lifting as it shifts to my chest. I touch his cheek and find it wet with tears.
My heart shatters. I wrap my arms around him, clenching him closer to me as he sobs. My chest aches, tightening with grief for him.
My throat feels like sandpaper and my body hot like a furnace. To make matters worse, my headache is on full blast. I roll over to look at the clock; it’s two in the morning. We just barely got into bed an hour ago, after Ash and I had a much-needed cry fest. I glance back to find Ash passed out on his stomach, a hand under my pillow. I can tell he’s in a deep sleep just by how he breathes now.
I throw off the covers and get out of bed. My legs give out underneath me, and I fumble to find the nightstand. The world is spinning. Forcing my eyes shut, I take deep breaths to ground myself.
“Ellie?” Ash asks in a sleepy voice. “You okay?”
Chancing a glance back, I find him rubbing his eyes, but the movement sends a wave of nausea through me.
I turn away, squeezing my eyes shut. “Yeah...sorry for waking you. I...I just need some water.”
The sheets ruffle behind me. “Here, let me get it for you.”
I swallow down the bile that rises when I look back at him. He already has half of the covers off of him. “No, I got it. I’
m already up.”
He pauses and squints his eyes at me. “You sure?”
“Yes, now go back to sleep.”
He sighs, laying back down. “Alright.”
Ash’s eyes close before he finishes talking, and a moment later his breathing regulates. He’s abnormally pale, making the dark circles under his eyes more prominent. Ash became alpha at the same time ten other lycans were killed, including someone he cared deeply for, making his first event as alpha a funeral. It has taken a toll on him. I want him to be able to get as much sleep as possible. I’m sure I’m fine, and it’s just my concussion acting up again.
Moving slowly, I cross the room and enter the hallway. It’s covered in darkness.
I place a hand on the wall and follow it down, making my way into the kitchen. Moonlight shines across the counters as I stumble against them. My arms shake as I lean against them, trying to give my wobbly legs a break.
Forcing the dizziness away, I stumble to the wall and fumble for the light switch. I groan against the brightness, the light temporarily blinding. The ache in my head intensifies and spreads through the rest of my body. I collapse against the wall and follow it down to the ground as pain overwhelms me.
Pulling my legs in, I cradle my head between my knees with a groan. My entire body burns. What’s wrong with me? Did I get the flu?
“Ellie?” Ash’s voice sounds down the hall. “Ellie.” There’s a light touch on my arm as he crouches down beside me. “What’s wrong?”
I keep my head down. “I don’t know. I think I’m sick.”
Ash moves my hair aside and places a cool hand on the side of my face, his touch slightly easing the pain. “You’re burning up,” he says. He gets up and I hear him open a cabinet and shuffle through it. He comes back a moment later, crouching back down. I look up, curious. He holds a glass of water and hands me some pills.
“Here, this should help bring the fever and the pain down.”
I reach for the glass but lose my balance and tumble into him. I moan against his chest at the impact. It feels like my skin is trying to peel off my face.
He wraps an arm around me to hold me steady.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You don’t need to—” He goes still.
After a moment of neither of us moving, I peer up at him. His pupils are blown as his eyes meet mine.
“Ash?”
“This can’t be possible,” he says under his breath, his brows drawn together.
“What?”
“Who were your parents?”
I blink. “Why?” I’m not really in the mood to discuss them right now.
He sets the water down on the ground and pulls me closer, lightly gripping my arms. His eyes swirl brighter with each passing moment. “Ellie, who were your parents?” he asks, enunciating each word.
“Addison and Gabriel Hollenberg.”
“Hollenberg, Hollenberg…” he mutters, then his eyes light up. “That’s a…” His gaze snaps back to mine. “What about your mother’s maiden name?”
“Thornton.”
A smile spreads across his face. Now I’m not just utterly confused, but also starting to get pissed. Why is he grinning while I’m in pain?
Ash tracks my movements as I reach up to rub my temple, my head continuing to throb. “Can I have water now?” I ask.
“How long have you had these headaches?” he asks instead of answering.
I sigh. “I don’t know, since the hospital?”
“Anything else? Any symptoms you’ve been struggling with?”
“Maybe?” It’s too painful to think right now.
“Try to remember, Ellie. I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, but I need to know.”
I rest my head against him, my head tucked under his chin. “I’ve been feeling warmer lately.”
“Anything strange? Like maybe enhanced eyesight or hearing?”
“No. I—” The memory of hearing him and Dr. Kathy in the hall comes to mind. “Actually, yes,” I say, then tell him about it.
He shakes his head. “How did I not see this?”
“What?” I peer up at him.
“You’re not sick. I should’ve seen the signs: the larger appetite, the sparks I feel whenever we touch, how fast you healed in the hospital. The headaches, why you smell different…it all pointed to this. I was just too blind to see it.”
“I don’t understand.”
His glacier-blue eyes pierce mine. “You’re shifting.”
“W-what does that mean?” It can’t possibly mean what I think it means.
Ignoring me, he says, “But not only are you shifting, but you’re a freakin’ pureblood.”
I shake my head and quickly regret it. I force out, “No, I’m not.” Then another wave of pain rips through my body, forcing my back to bow out.
Ash stands up, pulling me with him. “I don’t have much time to explain, but I need to get you to the basement before you shift.” He holds me to him as he makes his way to the door that leads to the basement.
Visions of my past resurface, and I fight Ash’s hold. Please don’t make me, I silently beg him as darkness ebbs its way inside. I can’t go back to that cold, dark place. I can’t. “N-no. Please, don’t.” I half-heartedly push against his chest, trying to escape his arms. “Don’t. Please. I can’t.”
“Shit,” he says while I push against him. “I’m so sorry, Ellie. Stop fighting me, I won’t take you down there.”
Ash’s pleading voice breaks through the fog of fear in my mind. I relax against him as a cry bursts from my lips. He holds me as my body shakes in his arms.
He brushes the hair out of my face. “Please, forgive me, Ellie. I wasn’t thinking.”
I nod, crying against him. There’s too much going on inside me right now. Not only does my body hurt, but so does my mind as it rages with fear.
Ash lifts me and cradles me in his arms. “I’m going to take you outside. It’s the next best thing.”
I bury my face in the crook of his neck. His scent brings me comfort, even if it’s brief, as he carries me outside. Even the chill of the air barely makes a difference to my fevered skin.
“What’s happening to me?” I whisper against his skin. His normally warm skin feels cooler than mine for once.
Ash continues to carry me deeper into the trees when he answers, “I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner, but you’re a lycan, Ellie.”
“How is that possible?” I can’t shift into a wolf.
He stops and sets me down, but continues to hold me up. “Both of your parents are purebloods. I’m ashamed that I didn’t recognize the name Hollenberg the first time you mentioned it. A lesser known name, but I recognize your mother’s. She’s of a powerful line.”
My mind swirls with this new information. How did I never know this? How do lycans even exist? “You never explained how lycans came to be.”
He grimaces. “I know, but after this I promise I will, okay?” I nod. “Now, I’m going to let you go and talk you through this. I’ll shift with you. Do you think you can stand on your own?”
“I...I think so.”
He takes a shaky breath and slowly releases me.
The throbbing intensifies as I use my own muscles to hold my weight, but I’m able to keep upright.
Ash removes his shirt, and I squeak as he begins to remove his pants. “W-what are you doing?”
Pausing with his hands on his waistband, he looks up. “If you don’t want to ruin those cute pajamas, you’re going to have to remove your clothes, too.”
My eyes widen. “I’m not getting naked.”
“They’ll shred during the shift. I’ll turn around.” He does, and I quickly avert my gaze when his sweats continue to lower.
I frown down at my polka dot pajamas. I really would hate to ruin them, even if they’re hot and confining right now. I fumble through the buttons before pulling off my shirt and pants. For once I’m grateful for all the times I had to squat becaus
e it forced me to get used to wearing a bra at night. Since living with Emma, I stopped that habit, but tonight I was too tired to take it off.
Despite keeping my underwear and bra on, my face flames from my near nakedness. Thank goodness it’s dark. Wait. Can lycans see in the dark? My vision seems perfectly fine right now.
“Are you done?” Ash asks.
“Yes, you can turn back around.”
He does, but keeps his eyes leveled with mine. I can’t say the same for myself as my gaze rakes across his body—to his toned abs, the coveted V and lush skin tone, to his blue boxers. I bite my lip. I kind of wish they weren’t the magic-infused ones.
Ash tucks his thumbs inside the seam with a smirk. “Would you like me to remove them as well?”
Yes. No! I fumble with my words, my face heating even more.
His smile widens. “I was jo—”
A shout passes my lips. His face falls. A sharp, stabbing pain travels down my spine, reminding me of the reason we undressed in the first place. He was a nice distraction for a while.
“Ash,” I say through clenched teeth.
Hovering beside me, he rakes a hand through his hair and mutters curses under his breath.
“Ash.”
“I know. I’m sorry, I’ve never done this before. It’ll be less painful if you’re able to relax.”
“Kind of hard to do right now,” I grind out.
“Right. I’m sorry.” He rubs the back of his neck. “It’s been a long time since my first shift. I’m trying to remember how my parents helped me.”
I sigh and try to do as he says, but like I expected, I can’t. If anything, taking deeper breaths makes the dizziness worse.
Sharp daggers shoot through my hands and travel through my body. I cry out when my gums start to burn. Tears stream down as I reach up and feel two of my teeth elongating.
“Breathe through the pain.”
Glaring at him through my tears, my gaze quickly softens when I notice how distraught he looks. Before I can say anything, my joints shift inward, and I scream. It’s as if my bones have shattered and are now stabbing every inch of my insides. Collapsing onto my hands and knees, I begin to sob.
Saving Ellie (Lycans Book 1) Page 22