‘Yes,’ she answered grinning back at me. With our hands conjoined she began to swing our arms and I fleetingly saw the young girl she once was.
‘What else does my reputation say? Do I even want to know?’ I questioned her laughing as we continued walking.
‘Hmmm, now let me think.’ I watched as she placed her fingers to her mouth, and I inhaled deeply as the urge to push her to the side of one of the small houses next to us to consume her mouth with my own tried to take over.
‘So?’ I probed.
‘Uptight, overconfident, assertive, bold, cocky…’
‘Woah! Stop…’
‘I have more.’
‘I’m sure you have… That lot didn’t take you too long to come up with… and yet you still married me?’
‘Yes, I did… Because you’re also good-looking, fit and devastatingly handsome…’ She cheekily offered me a wink.
‘Thanks… but those things…’
‘Did I also mention loving, caring and protective?’ She interrupted me with words that literally blew me away.
‘No, you didn’t…’
I pulled on her hand to turn her to face me, put my fingers under her chin and lifted her gaze up to mine. ‘I’m pleased you can see those things in me, angel.’
‘Me too… now kiss me and then take me to see these frescos you think I should photograph.’
We continued up the short distance to the top of the hill hand in hand, and not for the first time I considered how much my life had changed for the better. I wasn’t too sure who the hell I was when I was with her, but I liked him.
That was a fucking first for me.
‘Oh, it’s stunning, Nic.’ Bee’s hand let go of mine so she could lift her camera up to her face. Spurred on by the beauty the sand coloured, stone Byzantine building offered against the blue azure of the sea in the background, I heard the shutter quickly going off.
‘Did you not take it in the day we got married?’ I teased her a little with my words, knowing what answer I wanted to hear.
I saw her shrug her shoulders and remove the camera from her face before she answered me. ‘I know ours wasn’t a conventional marriage, but once my nerves had left me, I only had eyes for you.’
‘Good answer, angel… good answer.’
The smile she offered me before going back to her photography lit up the deep recesses of my charred soul.
I heard myself clear my throat. ‘Can I use your other camera?’
‘Sure… I didn’t think you were interested in photography?’
‘If it interests you, I’m interested… I’ll be the one waiting inside for you.’
‘Inside? You’re going to take my picture as I walk inside the church?’ she questioned from behind her camera and then removed it to take a better look at me.
‘Yes… I want to experience you coming through the archway again. I want to see the halo behind you, made up of the warm Crete sunlight. I want to witness you, my angel, walking towards me, saving me and I want to be able to look at that forever.’
‘So, now we need to add romantic to your list,’ she offered grinning at me.
I lifted my fingers to my mouth and blew her a kiss. Then turning I took the few steps that were needed and walked in through the arched doorway, immediately feeling the sudden drop in temperature that I’d promised her. As usual the simple place was lit with a few candles dotted all around. With every step I took towards the aisle the more at peace I felt, unlike the last time I’d been in here.
Finally, I heard her sandals connecting with the flagstones I knew were at the entrance to the church. I spun around quickly to see her, lifting the camera to my face as I did so.
Through the lens and with the dim light of the church surrounding me I began to snap my beautiful wife, as once again she froze in the arch of the doorway.
The bright yellows and oranges from the outside encircled her as my angel slowly made her way towards me. I could feel the huge smile on my face as I took in the breath-taking beauty of my wife and kept my finger on the shutter wanting to preserve every single second of her walking towards me.
‘I can’t come any further until you hold your hand out… remember?’ she called over to me with happy laughter filling her voice.
‘Of course, I remember,’ I answered.
Semi reluctantly, I moved the camera away from my face and dropped it to hang on the strap around my neck. I held up my left hand and waited for my eyes to adjust to the light so I could see her better. Slowly her silhouette emerged from the brightness of the archway. I watched as she took the camera from around her neck and placed it on a nearby chair. Every step she took towards me shattered another small part of the casing I had built around my heart. Gradually, with my eyes adjusting to the light, she came into focus. I swept my eyes up and down her trying to absorb everything about this fleeting moment in time, that I knew going forward I would never forget.
The strappy leather sandals on her feet, to her expansive, tan legs. The short denim shorts and white, loose-flowing top she was wearing with the dragonfly pin I’d had made especially for her. The gold necklace around her neck. The coils of her blonde hair that were falling out of the messy up-do she had going on today, to rest over her shoulders. The colour of her eyes as the blues and greens within them appeared to dance around with her happiness and the slightly bee stung shape of her lips.
She was fucking stunning.
‘It’s funny, but earlier when we changed to walk up here, I put on a couple of things from the day we got married, thinking it was appropriate.’
‘So, now who’s the romantic?’ I grinned at her, watching her take every step towards my open hand.
‘I’m wearing my dragonfly pin.’
‘I saw.’ At last her hand touched mine and unable to wait any longer, I pulled her towards me and placed a quick kiss to her forehead, before I inhaled her light scent.
‘And this… Nonna gave it to me the day we married and, as we were coming to church, I thought it was appropriate.’
I let my eyes drift down to her and watched as her fingers lightly picked up the rose-gold chain around her neck. She found the cross and lifted it to her lips to kiss it and I was rapidly transported back in time.
I was once again the young man struggling to lift up my mamma’s body to loosen the noose from around her, attempting to calm the pain that my younger brother was releasing. I was back in another life and in another place, but it was the same. It was always the same, I came from scum and I was scum, no matter how hard I tried to claw my way out of the abyss.
Looking at the fine chain on her fingers, I could see the necklace all these years later entangled up with the coarse rope my mamma had chosen to end her life with.
Because of the life we led.
Because of another bastard who looked just like me.
Bile hit the back of my throat. I dropped her hand from my own and took one step away from her. I watched her face contort with surprise and then with the simple pain of rejection.
That simple chain around her neck reminding me of just why I would never have willingly taken a wife or would ever father children.
‘I told you, you can’t have anything nice to play with.’ I could hear my father laughing manically in my ears. ‘Pull the trigger… It doesn’t matter if you kill me, because I will live on in you.’ Inside my head I could see him sneer at me as my grip on the gun in my hand started to tighten, to the point I could see the tip of my trigger finger discolouring under the pressure. ‘It doesn’t matter how hard you fight against it… you’re the same as me and you know it, Nico.’
BANG.
I cleared my throat, as the sound of the bullet leaving the barrel reverberated around my head. Then standing taller I tried to shake away the hold he had over me.
The happiness I had only a few minutes before embraced was gone and I was left with nothing.
‘Nico, what’s wrong?’ I could feel her eyes burning into me, but like the
coward I was I couldn’t return her gaze. Instead I looked to the doorway and lifted a hand to gesticulate to Franco that I needed him.
‘There’s a problem… I need to go, stay here and I’ll get Raul to come and get you.’
‘You do, I don’t understand… why?’
My shutters had already come down. I heard the almost audible clunk as the steel casing sealed around me like a metal coffin that even the desperation in her voice couldn’t penetrate.
She deserved more, so very much more.
But I didn’t have it to give.
I moved to the side of her, effectively ignoring everything she was silently begging of me. Then, just at the last minute, I turned quickly and took both of her hands in mine. Lifting them up to my lips I closed my eyes and kissed her clasped together fingers.
‘Ciao, mio angelo.’
Chapter Thirty-Two
Bee
The Villa was quiet and felt empty, even though I knew there were others inside the beautiful building.
The sun had set and although I normally found that to be one of the most beautiful parts of the day, I hadn’t been able to embrace it at all.
For probably the millionth time today, I was going over every part of the day, but once again I couldn’t fathom out what on earth had happened. All I knew was that by the time Raul had picked me up and we had driven back to the villa, Nico had packed and gone. Normally we went through a bit of routine when he was going back to the States, but even that hadn’t happened.
He was gone and try as I might to convince myself it was just like any other time when he flew back to Vegas, I knew it wasn’t. Something had happened between us at the church and just like that he had upped and left me there. I’d even tried phoning him since his departure and although his cell had rung in my ear initially, it had then cut off. I’d tried to convince myself that the call had been interrupted because he was flying, but I knew deep down in the depths of my pain-filled heart that he had been the one to terminate the call.
In my head I could see him, sitting on a plane catching up with business. He would be back in a suit with his hair styled to perfection and his square jawline would be set stoically. I was convinced that by now he would also be clean shaven, after having removed the scruff he normally wore for me. I also hated that, like most of the others that I’d cared about, he could so easily remove himself from my life without a second glance.
I moved my bare legs around in the pool, making the water swish around my skin in circles, while I stared out into the bay looking for any answer I could find to my current situation.
Once again, I’d been left, and the pain was indescribable.
I knew our marriage had been an arrangement. But it was so very much more now, and up until the moment he had left the church we had been married in; I had felt like we might just be able to go the long haul.
Absentmindedly, I picked up Nico’s mamma’s chain that I was still wearing and caressed the metal cross with my fingers.
‘Bee?’ I could hear the silent questions in Nonna’s voice as I heard her footsteps coming closer behind me.
Was I alright? No, I wasn’t.
Was there anything she could do? Only getting your grandson to come back would be of any help at all.
At first, I attempted to turn my head, to look over my shoulder and to try to placate her with a smile. But I knew it wasn’t in me and even if I managed it, I knew she would be able to see past it in a flash.
What was it with older people and their over the top sensory radars? Pearl was exactly the same.
‘Can I come and sit with you?’
I glanced to my left to find her standing beside me. Her kind, understanding face was encapsulated in a gentle smile.
I nodded my head at her and then focussed back onto the pool while she sat down.
The bluey green of the dragonflies’ wings hummed their way past my ears, and I inhaled deeply to stop the tears that threatened to fall down my cheeks.
Well isn’t that just absolutely typical?
I had gone from being totally alone to sharing my solitude with Nico’s grandmother and the dragonflies he and I had so often sat here watching. It was as if the world couldn’t and wouldn’t let me forget what we’d shared together. For a few minutes, we sat in silence with both of our eyes focussed in front of us.
‘Did he tell you why?’ I finally managed to force out from a throat that was so completely swollen and twisted with emotion that I was having trouble swallowing.
‘No… I’m sorry, Bee, he didn’t.’
Her hand reached out to grasp mine and I closed my eyes at the touch of her comforting hand on mine.
‘I don’t know what happened… he said he had to go and then he left. It was as though something inside of him just snapped. He shut down and took off.’
I continued to watch the dragonflies dancing their way around us both. Their sweeping motion was mesmerising, and it kept me from focussing too hard on the pain that was unfolding deep inside of me.
‘Do you know what many myths and legends say about dragonflies?’
‘Pardon?’ I turned my head to properly look at Nonna for the first time since she’d sat down, wondering exactly just what she was on about.
‘Legend has it that they were one of the first winged insects to evolve. In many cultures the dragonfly symbolizes the ability to change and to transform.’
‘It does?’ I couldn’t believe I was even interested in what she wanted to tell me, but here we both sat surrounded by the still and dark night, watching the only things that were visible from the lighting spaced out around the pool.
‘Yes,’ she continued. ‘But it’s not the same sort of change you see in say, a caterpillar to butterfly… No, this is about understanding the deeper implications and maybe even the meaning of life itself. Dragonflies only live a short life as we can see them now, most of their lives are spent as immature nymphs and they fly for only a tiny fraction of their life. Yet here they are dancing and swooping in flight and living in the moment. When you live in the moment, it makes you more focussed on who you are and what you want and even what you are capable of. With that understanding comes the enlightening truth that anyone can in part control their own destiny.’
Her hand squeezed mine momentarily before she carried on.
‘Their iridescent wings seem almost magical, don’t they?’ she asked.
I was focussing on the creatures she was talking about and only nodded to answer her.
‘Their iridescence is the most magical part, I think. It’s about discovering your own ability to change, finding your real self, exposing the person you were always meant to be and throwing aside the mantle you’ve surrounded yourself with. That means going beyond what you can see in front of you at first and embracing what you find beneath it.’
‘This isn’t about the dragonflies… It’s about Nico and me, isn’t it?’
She laughed a little and squeezed my hand again before relaxing her grip.
‘Of course. I’m not going to lie, I watched the two of you on some of the many evenings you spent down here watching exactly what we are watching now and thought how very apt it was that the two of you found them so enchanting.’
‘You did.’
‘Uh huh. Call it an old woman’s pleasure watching love grow between one of her beloved grandsons and a woman who I now consider like a granddaughter to me. One who I can tell has felt more than her own fair share of pain.’
Everything I had been forcing to stay deep inside me came spilling out on one breath.
‘I’m in more pain than I ever thought possible, right at this minute. He’s left me and I know he made it seem like it was because there is a problem back in Vegas, but I know it’s not. One minute we were so together, then in the space of a split second he’d effectively tried to sever our connection. Then he walked away.’
The sobs I’d been holding in until right at that moment came brimming to the surface and overflowed. I co
uldn’t hold them in any longer and I couldn’t have cared who heard the anguish I was now feeling. My body shook uncontrollably, and my chest heaved as the pain he had left me with, escaped. I hadn’t heard Kendall come down, but the second she put her warm arm across my cold shoulders, I knew it was her and I leant my head towards her to receive the embrace she was offering.
‘Oh, Bee… what’s he playing at?’ she offered as she kissed the side of my head.
‘I don’t know,’ I answered her in a voice filled with emotion.
‘But I think I do, Bee.’ Nonna spoke again. ‘I want you to sit here with us and cry, and then I want you to get up and fight for him. Fight like you’ve never fought for anything before in your life… because you promised me you would do exactly that on your wedding day. Fight for him, but also fight for yourself. You are in control of this chapter of your life… do you hear me?’
‘What if he just doesn’t want to be with me?’ I released the words out of my mouth, knowing they scared me more than anything I’d gone through before.
‘That is so not true, he wants you but feels he doesn’t deserve you…’ She stopped speaking for a second, almost lost in thought. ‘Bee, it’s the dragonflies’ eyes that I feel are the most significant to Nico,’ Nonna continued. ‘Between the two of you over the last few months you have helped each other to live in the moment and to control your own destiny. I even saw him throwing aside the disguise he has worn for many years and enjoying the person he found underneath it. But this is the one part of himself he still hasn’t managed to embrace yet. You see, a dragonfly’s eyes symbolize the ability to see beyond the way you see yourself to get past the self-created illusions. Unfortunately, Nico is convinced he’s the same as his father.’
‘That could be it,’ I offered, looking down at the cross still between my fingers. ‘Something happened when he saw his mamma’s cross and chain on me. I’d worn it up to the church, along with the pin he’d had made for our wedding.’
‘I think you could be right, Bee… You see, my son was a monster. An unfeeling, sadistic madman. He drove Nico and Cade’s mamma into taking her life and abused them in ways they think I know nothing about…’ Pain left her mouth on an exhaled breath. ‘He’s convinced he’s the same, Bee. No matter how hard I’ve tried to convince him differently.’
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