In the Sweet Dry and Dry

by Christopher Morley

  CHAPTER IV

  THE GREAT WAR BEGINS

  As the echoes of the parade died away, public excitement was roused tofever by the discovery that evening of an infernal machine in the CityHall. Leaning against one of the great marble pillars in the lobby ofthe building, a gleaming object (looking very much like a four-inchshrapnel shell) was found by a vigilant patrolman. To his horror hefound it to be one of the much-dreaded thermos bottles. Experts fromthe Bureau of Rumbustibles were summoned, and the bomb was carefullyanalyzed. Much to the disappointment of the chief inspector, thedevilish ingredients of the explosive had been spoiled by immersion ina pail of water, so his examination was purely theoretical; but it wasplain that the leading component of this hellish mixture had beennothing less than gin, animated by a fuse of lemon-peel. If thecylinder had exploded, unquestionably every occupant of the City Hallwould have been intoxicated.

  The conduct of the municipal officials in this crisis was extremelycourageous. No one knew whether other articles of this kind might notbe concealed about the building, but the Mayor and councilmen refusedto go home, and even assisted in the search for possible bombs. Secretservice men were called from Washington, and went into consultationwith Bishop Chuff. It was a night of uproar. A reign of terror wasfreely predicted, and many prominent citizens sat up until aftermidnight on the chance of discovering similar explosives concealedabout their premises.

  The morning papers rallied rapidly to the cause of threatenedcivilization. The Daily Circumspect declared, editorially:--

  The alcoholsheviks have at last thrown down the gauntlet. The news thatthe ginarchists have placed a ginfernal machine in the very shrine oflaw and order is tantamount to a declaration of war upon sobriety as awhole. A canister of forbidden design, filled with the deadliestgingredients, was found in the corridor leading to the bureau ofmarriage licenses in the City Hall. There must have been something morethan accident in its discovery just in this spot. Men of thoughtfultemper will do well to heed the symbolism of this incident. Plainly notonly the constitution of the United States is to be made aquaffing-stock, but the very sanctity of the marriage bond is assailed.To this form of terrorism there is but one answer.

  In the meantime, Quimbleton had disappeared. The house on CarawayStreet was broken into by the police, but except for the grape arborand a great quantity of empty bottles in the cellar, no clue was found.Apparently, however, the vanished ginarchist (for so Chuff called him)had been writing poetry before his departure. The following ratherinscrutable doggerel was found scrawled on a piece of paper:--

  When Death doth reap And Chuff is sickled, He will not keep: He was never pickled.

  For Bishop Chuff This is ill cheer: That Time will force him To the bier.

  And when he stands On his last legs Then Death will drain him To the dregs.

  So when Chuff croaks Bury him on a high hill-- For he's a hoax Et praeterea nihil!

  But Bishop Chuff was not the man to take these insults tamely. Hisfirst act was to call together the legislature of the State in specialsession, and the following act was rushed through:

  AN ACT

  Severing relations with Nature, and amending the principles andprocesses of the same in so far as they contravene the Constitution ofthe United States and the tenets of the Pan-Antis:

  WHEREAS, in accordance with the Declaration of Gindependence, it maybecome necessary for a people to dissolve the alcoholic bands whichhave connected them with one another and to assume among the powers ofthe earth the sobriety to which the laws of pessimism entitle them, adecent disrespect to the opinions of drinkers requires that they shoulddeclare the causes which impel them to drouth.

  WHEREAS we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men arecreated sober, and are endowed with certain inalienable rights, such asLife, Grievances, and the Pursuit of Other People's Happiness. Wheneverany form of amusement becomes destructive of these ends, it is theright of the Pan-Antis to abolish it. Prudence, indeed, will dictatethat beverages long established should not be abolished for light andtransient causes. But when it is evident that Nature herself is inconspiracy against the Constitution of the United States, and thatmillions of so-called human beings have found in forbidden tipples acause for mirth and merriment, it is time to call a halt to malt, andhave no parley with barley.

  WHEREAS it has frequently and regrettably been evidenced that Nature isa sot at heart, by reason of her deplorably lax morals. Painful as itis to make the admission, there are many of her apparently innocentfruits and plants that are susceptible, by the unlawful processes offermentation and effervescence, of transformation into alcoholicliquid. Science tells us that this abominable form of activity to whichNature is privy is in reality a form of decomposition or putrefaction;but willful men will hardly be restrained by science in their illicitpursuit of frivolity.

  WHEREAS Nature (hereinafter referred to as The Enemy) has been guiltyof repeated ruptures of the Constitution of the United States, havingpermitted the juice of apples to ferment into cider, having encouragedseditious effervescence on the part of gooseberries, currants, raisins,grapes and similar conspirators; having fomented outrageous yeastinessin hops, malt, rye, barley and other grains and fodders,

  THEREFORE be it enacted, and it hereby is, that all relations with theEnemy are hereby and henceforward suspended; and any citizen of theUnited States having commerce with Nature, or giving her aid andcomfort or encouragement in her atrocious alcoholshevik designs onhuman dignity, be, and hereby is, guilty of treason and lese-sobriety.

  BE IT ALSO enacted, and it hereby is, that the principle offermentation is forbidden in the territory of the United States; andall plants, herbs, legumes, vegetables, fruits and foliage showingthemselves capable of producing effervescent juices or liquids in whichbubbles and gases rise to the top be, and hereby are, confiscated,eradicated and removed from the surface of the soil. And all the lawsof Nature inconsistent with the principle of this Act be and hereby arerepealed and rendered null and inconclusive.

  IT IS HOPED that this suspension of relations with Nature will operateas a sharp rebuke, and bring her to reason. It is not the sense of thisAct to withhold from the Enemy all hope of a future reconciliation,should she cast off the habits that have made her a menace. We have noquarrel with Nature as a whole. But there is a certain misguidedclique, the dandelions and gooseberries and other irresponsible plants,which must be humiliated. We do not presume to suggest to Nature anyalteration or modification of her necessary institutions. But who canclaim that the principle of fermentation, which she has arrogated toherself, is necessary to her health and happiness? This IntolerableThing, of which Nature has shown us the ugly mug, this menace ofcombined intrigue and force, must be crushed, with proud punctilio.

  AND FOR THE strict enforcement of this Act, the Pan-Antis areauthorized and empowered to organize expeditionary forces, byrecruitment or (if necessary) by conscription and draft, to proceedinto the territory of the enemy, lay waste and ravage all dandelions,gooseberries and other unlawful plants. Until this is accomplishedNature shall be and hereby is declared a barred zone, in whichcivilians and non-combatants pass at their own peril; and all citizensnot serving with the expeditionary forces shall remain within city andvillage limits until the territory of Nature is made safe for sobriety.

  This document, having been signed by the Governor, became law, andthousands of people who were about to leave town for their vacationwere held up at the railway stations. Nature was declared under martiallaw. There were many who held that the Act, while admirable inprinciple, did not go far enough in practice. For instance, it wasargued, the detestable principle of fermentation was due in great partto the influence of the sun upon vegetable matter; and it was suggestedthat this heavenly body should be abolished. Others, pointing out thatthis was a matter that would take some time, advanced the theory thatlarge tracts of open country should be shielded from the sun's rays byvast tents or awnings. Bishop Chuff,
with his customary perspicacity,made it plain that one of the chief causes of temptation was hotweather, which causes immoderate thirst. In order to lessen the amountof thirst in the population he suggested that it might be feasible toshift the axis of the earth, so that the climate of the United Stateswould become perceptibly cooler and the torrid zone would betransferred to the area of the North Pole. This would have the supremeadvantage of melting all the northern ice-cap and providing thetemperate belts with a new supply of fresh water. It would be quiteeasy (the Bishop insisted) to tilt the earth on its axis if everythingheavy on the surface of the United States were moved up to Hudson'sBay. Accordingly he began to make arrangements to have the completefiles of the Congressional Record moved to the far north in endlessfreight trains.

  Dunraven Bleak, a good deal exhausted by his efforts to keep all thesematters carefully reported in the columns of the Evening Balloon, wasready to take his vacation. As a newspaper man he was able to get apassport to go into the country, on the pretext of observing themovements of the troops of the Pan-Antis, who were vigorously attackingthe dandelion fields and gooseberry vineyards. He had already sent hiswife and children down to the seashore, in the last refugee train whichhad left the city before Nature was declared outlaw.

  It was a hot morning, and having wound up his work at the office he wassitting in a small lunchroom having a shrimp salad sandwich and a glassof milk. The street outside was thronged with great motor ambulancesrumbling in from the suburbs, carrying the wilted remains of berriesand fruits which had been dug up by the furious legions of Chuff. Thesewere hastily transported to the municipal cannery where they were madeinto jams and preserves with all possible speed, before fermentationcould set in. Bleak saw them pass with saddened eyes.

  A beautiful gray motor car drew up at the curb, and honked vigorously.The proprietor of the lunchroom, thinking that possibly the chauffeurwanted some sandwiches, left the cash register and crossed the pavementeagerly. Every eye in the restaurant was turned upon the glitteringlimousine, whose panels of dove-throat gray shone with a steely lustre.In a moment the proprietor returned with a large basket and a smallfolded paper, looking puzzled. He glanced about the room, andapproached Bleak.

  "I guess you're the guy," he said, and handed the editor a note onwhich was scrawled in pencil

  TO THE MAN WITH A PENETRATING GAZE WHO HAS JUST SPILLED SOME SHRIMPSALAD ON HIS PALM BEACH TROUSERS

  Bleak, after removing the shrimp, opened the paper. Inside he read

  PLEASE BRING TWO DOZEN RYE-TONGUE SANDWICHES AND AS MUCH SHRIMP SALADAS THE BASKET WILL HOLD. AM FAMISHED.

  QUIMBLETON.

  He looked at the restaurateur in surprise.

  "The lady said you were to get the grub and put it in this basket,"said the latter.

  "The lady?" inquired Bleak.

  "The dame in the car," said Isidor, owner of the Busy Wasp Lunchroom.

  Bleak obeyed orders. He filled the basket with tongue sandwiches and ahuge platter of shrimp salad, paid the check, and carried the burden tothe door of the motor.

  At the wheel sat a damsel of extraordinary beauty. The massiveproportions of the enormous car only accentuated the perfection of herstreamline figure. Her chassis was admirable; she was upholstered in asports suit of fawn-colored whipcord; and her sherry-brown eyes wereunmodified by any dimming devices. Before Bleak could say anything shecried eagerly, "Get in, Mr. Bleak! I've been looking for youeverywhere. What a happy moment this is!"

  Bleak handed in the basket. "Quimbleton--" he began.

  "I know," she said. "I'm taking you to him. Poor fellow, he is in greatperil. Get in, please."

  By the time Bleak was in the seat beside her, the car was already inmotion.

  "You have your passport?" she said, steering through the tangledtraffic.

  "Yes," he said. He could not help stealing a sidelong glance at thisbewitching creature. Her dainty and vivacious face, just now a triflesunburnt, was fixed resolutely upon the vehicles ahead. On the rim ofthe big steering wheel her small gloved hands gave an impression ofgreat capability. Bleak thought that her profile seemed oddly familiar.

  "Haven't I seen you before?" he said.

  "Very possibly. Your newspaper printed my picture the other day, withsome rather uncomplimentary remarks."

  Bleak was nonplussed.

  "Very stupid of me," he said, "but I don't seem to recall--"

  "I am Miss Chuff," she said calmly.

  The editor's brain staggered.

  "Miss Theodolinda Chuff?" he said, in amazement. He recalled somesatirical editorials the Balloon had printed concerning the activitiesof the Chuffs, and wondered if he were being kidnaped for court-martialby the Pan-Antis. Evidently the use of Quimbleton's name had been aruse.

  "It was unfair of you to make use of Quimbleton's name to get me intoyour hands," he said angrily.

  Miss Chuff turned a momentary gaze of amusement upon him, as theypassed a large tractor drawing several truckloads of gooseberry plants.

  "You don't understand," she said demurely. "You may remember that Mr.Quimbleton's card gave his name as associate director of the HappinessCorporation?"

  "Yes," said Bleak.

  "I am the Director," she said.

  "YOU? But how can that be? Why, your father--"

  "That's just why. Any one who had to live with Father would be sure totake the opposite side. He's a Pan-Anti. I'm a Pan-Pro. Those poems Ihave written for him were merely a form of camouflage. Besides, theywere so absurd they were sure to do harm to the cause. That's why Iwrote them. I'll explain it all to you a little later."

  At this moment they were held up by an armed guard of chuffs, stationedat the city limits. These saluted respectfully on seeing the Bishop'sdaughter, but examined Bleak's passport with care. Then the car passedon into the suburbs.

  As they neared the fields of actual battle, Bleak was able to seesomething of the embittered nature of the conflict. In the hot whitesunlight of the summer morning platoons of Pan-Antis could be seenmarching across the fields, going up from the rest centers to thefiring line. In one place a shallow trench had been dug, from which thechuffs were firing upon a blackberry hedge at long range. One by onethe unprincipled berries were being picked off by expert marksmen. Thedusty highway was stained with ghastly rivulets and dribbles of scarletjuices. At a crossroads they came upon a group of chuffs who had shownthemselves to be conscientious objectors: these were being escorted toan internment camp where they would be horribly punished by confinementto lecture rooms with Chautauqua lecturers. War is always cruel, andeven non-combatants did not escape. In the heat of combat, theneutrality of an orchard of plum trees had been violated, andwagonloads of the innocent fruit were being carried away into slaveryand worse than death. A young apple tree was standing in front of afiring squad, and Bleak closed his eyes rather than watch the tragicspectacle. The apples were all green, and too young to ferment, but thechuffs were ruthless once their passions were roused.

  They passed through the battle zone, and into a strip of country wherepine woods flourished on a sandy soil. The fragrant breath ofsun-warmed balsam came down about them, and Miss Chuff let out themotor as though to escape from the scene of carnage they had justwitnessed.

  "Whither are we bound?" asked the editor, with pardonable curiosity, astheir tires hummed over a smooth road.

  "Cana, New Jersey," said Miss Chuff, "where poor Quimbleton is inhiding. He is in very sore straits. He narrowly escaped capture afterthe parade the other day. I managed to get him smuggled out of the cityin the same ambulance that carried Father's horse. The horse was drunkand Quim was sober. Wasn't that an irony of fate? But I promised totell you how I became associated with the Happiness Corporation."