Otorimonogatari

by Nisioisin

  Ignoring her confusion, the voice continues, “I’ll tell you there─who you’ve been trampling on as you go about your life.”

  “…”

  “No one’s a victim, okay? There are only victimizers in this world─how deluded every last one of you sons of bitches are.”

  007

  i saw on the news the other day that there are people in the world who report everything they see to the police and constantly call ambulances to be rushed to the hospital.

  They want to be “saved by others”─in other words, they want to be “someone others would save,” according to the commentator.

  They want to be “someone people fuss over, worry about, and work to save.”

  Because to be saved is to be loved, or possibly to be needed─so in terms of their psychological state, troubling people on purpose and seeking their forgiveness later is also a way to confirm that they’re loved and needed.

  Apparently, this is all done unconsciously.

  It’s by no means calculated.

  Whether or not it is, someone like Nadeko understands very well─just how important being “fussed over” is to people who can’t find meaning in their own existence, who can’t find their own worth.

  i’m in a situation now where i can seek Big Brother’s help.

  And i’d be lying if i said it didn’t make Nadeko excited.

  i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t thrilled, that Nadeko’s heart wasn’t pounding.

  …Yes.

  Just like that time.

  “…”

  So yes, Nadeko could be deluded─but i’m a girl, so i don’t think i’m a son of a bitch.

  Is that too nitpicky?

  i wasn’t able to wait until evening.

  i believe the right thing for Nadeko to do was to go straight home from school and sit there waiting for Koyomi to call.

  i know that much.

  It’s not as if the situation changed somehow because i hallucinated a voice─there definitely hadn’t been any “actual harm” at that point.

  The hallucinations i see are just hallucinations.

  The hallucinations i hear are just hallucinations.

  But─i couldn’t ignore the voice i heard.

  “Victim.”

  One who receives harm.

  Nadeko doesn’t think she sees herself that way─and while it’s true that she has a fairly strong persecution complex, she doesn’t think of herself as a victim outright.

  It’s not as if you’re automatically a victim just because you’re harmed─not necessarily.

  …So when i hear that completely inconsiderate, violent, rough voice─Nadeko has to act.

  i can’t help but be shaken.

  And i can’t help but be shaken into action.

  Nadeko goes home and changes out of her uniform right away.

  Overalls and a jacket.

  i’ve borrowed the overalls from Mom, and the jacket from Dad. They’re baggy because Nadeko is petite, but that’s actually to her advantage since this is a disguise.

  i’m thinking that i need to avoid being seen.

  Finally, instead of the brimmed hat i always wear, Nadeko wears the red knit cap she bought for a ski trip and pulls it far down her face.

  Over her eyes, you could say.

  Nadeko wraps a travel fanny pack around her waist and stuffs it full of things, wears her outdoor loafers for a change, and leaves the house.

  From there, i head to the mountain.

  The home of Kita-Shirahebi Shrine─the mountain where Nadeko was reunited with Big Brother Koyomi.

  Nadeko doesn’t have a bicycle, so she walks─it takes about thirty minutes. From here, it’s going to take another thirty to climb to the top of the mountain.

  This is a tough journey for someone with no stamina like Nadeko.

  i’m never going to start climbing mountains as a hobby.

  Of course, i’m just walking straight up a path inlaid with steps (though they’re old)─so even if i have to take breaks, i’ll arrive there eventually with enough time.

  To the summit. To that place.

  …Yes, just as people can arrive at the truth simply by living their lives.

  i will arrive, too.

  That’s how i feel─and how i continue to feel when i manage to reach Kita-Shirahebi Shrine at the summit.

  There was a “snake” coiled tightly around Nadeko’s body when she climbed this mountain again and again in June─so you could say this was an easier journey in comparison.

  But when i reach the summit.

  i’m─knocked out.

  By no means does it feel like it’s been forever, but i totally lack the composure even to let it sink in that it’s been a while since Nadeko’s last visit.

  “…”

  No, maybe i’m not knocked out.

  Rather, i’m stunned silent.

  What i see─stuns Nadeko silent.

  What Nadeko sees after passing through the shrine’s ragged, practically rotting gate─is a countless number of snakes sewn onto its grounds.

  Jam-packed, maybe.

  Not white snakes─but regular snakes that are regular colored. The bodies of these snakes have been torn to pieces─with a chisel, and been skewered to the ground, to the trees, to the shrine itself.

  The snakes─are alive.

  They’re alive and twitching, despite having been chopped up into pieces─their bodies as well as their heads, like some kind of live sashimi presentation.

  Despite the unbelievable state they’re in, they haven’t died.

  They say you have to crush a snake’s head in order to kill it─but these are so full of vitality that what they say doesn’t describe it.

  Of course, i doubt the snakes will live long crucified like this─they’ll die eventually.

  It’s a dreadful image.

  Right, you can’t turn this into an anime.

  While i don’t know whether or not animal protection associations go so far as to cover reptiles, just about anyone would be moved to say something if they saw this.

  But─Nadeko says nothing.

  Nadeko Sengoku stays silent.

  When i’m in trouble─i fall silent.

  “Still not surprised, huh? You don’t even try to scream. Like you knew, like you knew all about it,” the hallucination suddenly speaks out of nowhere─not through any kind of modern tool like a phone receiver this time. It feels like the words are being whispered right into Nadeko’s ear.

  Like something.

  Like something disgusting is wrapping itself around Nadeko─like i’m being enwrapped.

  That’s not it, though.

  What’s most disgusting here on these grounds─is Nadeko.

  Because.

  “Yes. Because─this hellscape of a nightmare was your own doing, my dear Nadeko─”

  “…”

  i can’t deny it.

  But Nadeko automatically shakes her head.

  “N-Nadeko…” i say to the voice─disgracefully. “Nadeko…didn’t go…this far.”

  “Yes. This is just a hallucination─”

  Just as the voice speaks, the sight before Nadeko transforms─all of the snakes, maybe even a thousand of them, along with the chisels skewering their bodies, disappear like a “murrage”─no, not everything disappeared.

  A few are left.

  i can’t tell exactly how many because they’ve been torn to pieces─but counting the number of heads i can see, i would say around twenty.

  Twenty…

  “So-o-o. Is this about the right number, Nadeko? The number that you slaughtered─”

  The number of snakes that i─

  Slaughtered.

  Chopped up.

  Crucified.

  The voice keeps talking to Nadeko─like it’s cornering her.

  “This─is around what you did?”

  “…”

  Nadeko bites her lip.

  Nadeko quickly grabs her knit cap and pulls it down
even further─it’s not just over her eyes, it hides them completely.

  i don’t want to see it anymore.

  But it’s no good.

  It’s all burned into Nadeko’s eyes.

  What i just saw─and the scene i saw in June.

  The scene that Nadeko created in June─

  “Yes, maybe you can always be a victim if you act that way, looking at the ground, staying silent, not speaking a word─but how well is that going to go for you this time, I wonder?”

  Whose line was that?

  Right─it was Miss Ogi…

  Ogi Oshino─i feel like there was more she said, too…

  Like there was something she said.

  If i look at the ground, stay silent, and don’t say a word─

  “S…Snake.”

  “In fact, dear, you do have a choice.”

  Nadeko has covered her eyes but can still hear the voice.

  It’s rough, violent─i can hear the voice that doesn’t seem to care for Nadeko.

  Oddly enough, that indifference feels like the biggest and only saving grace here.

  Because.

  “Your first choice is to go right back the way you came─you can forget everything. I can make you hallucinate, and I can talk to you like this, too─but that’s all. Just like you told your so-called Big Brother Koyomi, there’s no actual harm. Since there’s no harm, there’s no victim, either. Which is why it wouldn’t really be a problem if you just left.”

  “…”

  “No, seriously. It’s fine if you pick that first option, okay? I don’t mean to force you to do anything, Nadeko─I won’t compel you, nor can I. It’s not who I am. In fact, I even need to recommend that first choice to you.”

  “…”

  “Don’t just clam up.”

  The voice sounds annoyed by Nadeko’s silence.

  Even so, Nadeko can’t say anything.

  i feel like i hear a tongue click.

  Umm.

  A snake’s tongue─given its structure, can it actually click─

  “The second choice is for you to atone.”

  “…”

  “If you want to pick the first option, then go back through that gate the way you came and climb down those steps─you never have to return to this shrine again, and shouldn’t. Turn your back on all of my brethren you killed and never look back─but listen.”

  It’s strange. For some reason, i feel like the voice flashed a grin.

  “If you want to atone for this sin, I’ll give you the chance to do so─take that blindfold off and look this way.”

  This way?

  To confess.

  Nadeko didn’t take off her knit cap out of any admirable feelings of wanting to “atone”─i just reflexively, no, mechanically react to the words.

  Nadeko isn’t a good girl.

  She only ever thinks about herself.

  But─because she’s only ever thought about herself, Nadeko’s only choice here is to look.

  Ahead of her. In front of her.

  At the voice─at its form.

  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH─HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

  It’s the loudest i’ve ever shouted before.

  The loudest scream of Nadeko’s life.

  So big i fall over.

  Not just on Nadeko’s backside, i nearly do a backwards roll.

  Something i could never do even in gym class, a backwards roll.

  But compared to the colossal white snake, coiled up and nearly covering the shrine grounds─Nadeko’s scream is like a drop in the ocean.

  Its overwhelming presence hardly feels like a hallucination.

  i don’t feel scared or anything.

  It’s just, too big.

  i just─yes. i think it’s amazing.

  In other words─Nadeko can only think like a child, which means she must be a child.

  “So you looked this way. You saw the Serpent,” says the snake too big even to be called giant─Mister Serpent. “Then, Nadeko, that makes you one of my brethren─we’re partners. I’m going to make you pay, my dear.”

  008

  It seems like Nadeko misunderstood Mister Serpent when he said there’s no such thing as a victim─no, maybe i ought to say i just interpreted it in a way that was convenient.

  i thought maybe he meant that every victim shares the responsibility for what happens to them in some way, or that harm comes to us by chance and anyone could be guilty if only the circumstances were a little different─you hear these kinds of things a lot, and i assumed it’s what he meant.

  i assumed so for Nadeko’s own sake.

  But i was wrong.

  That isn’t what he meant.

  It was something more simple and plain and easy.

  He meant exactly what he was saying.

  Nadeko Sengoku─is guilty of a “massacur.”

  She’s just another perpetrator.

  There was no need to twist his words around.

  It happened four months ago, in June─when those “charms” popularized by Mister Deishu Kaiki had their poisonous fangs in lots of middle schoolers.

  Right in the middle of that.

  A boy confessed his feelings for Nadeko.

  When i say confess, i don’t mean it in the repentant way, like what Nadeko is now attempting, but about liking and loving and stuff.

  He was on the baseball team.

  i don’t remember his name. i forgot it.

  Actually, i feel like i never heard it from the start─i don’t think he ever told Nadeko his name.

  Maybe he thought i had to know who he was─it’s hard to believe, but a lot of popular students on sports teams are like that.

  Kids who don’t doubt that they’re famous.

  But Nadeko didn’t have any interest in sports, and most of all, she didn’t like stuff about dating and lovers and all─so she turned him down.

  i wasn’t going to date someone i didn’t know.

  Because Nadeko─had someone she loved.

  But this led to trouble─the fact that Nadeko “rejected” this popular boy led to jealousy.

  i know how you feel! i wanted to sympathize.

  Because i knew exactly how those girls felt when they wondered why he’d ever confess to someone like Nadeko─no, i think that boy must have been mistaken somehow. He probably had the wrong person.

  But the “verasity” of this was only clear to Nadeko─what hurt was that her best friend wouldn’t understand.

  She ended our friendship. It was sad.

  To be completely honest, though, i wasn’t surprised. i was always thinking that a girl as good as her would end our friendship one day.

  Is that honesty?

  Maybe you’d say i’m just acting tough.

  But please, let Nadeko act tough.

  According to what Nadeko’s other classmates said later (maybe it’s better to call it a feeling that was revealed to everyone because of Mister Kaiki’s “charms”), that friend became friends with Nadeko hoping to go out with the boy from the baseball club─so it seems there was something else going on that doesn’t fully make sense to Nadeko, but it’s all a mystery now.

  The truth is shrouded in darkness─no, in rumor.

  No one knows what the truth is anymore.

  It’s in the past.

  The game of love.

  Well, i feel like no one involved was skilled enough to describe it as that─anyway, it only gets more confusing the more we talk about it. Skipping ahead.

  When this friend ended our relationship, she said something─“I put a curse on you.”

  In this case, the curse was one of the “charms” that Mister Deishu Kaiki was spreading around, and this girl had put a snake curse on Nadeko.