Nekomonogatari (White)

by Nisioisin

  Consisted of them and them alone.

  I couldn’t thrust myself into it.

  While it may have only been two days in retrospect, before leaving their home I politely thanked everyone in the Araragi family who had taken care of me.

  From there, I ended up going back to Miss Senjogahara’s place─the nearly incinerated Room 201, Tamikura Apartments.

  Apparently Mister Senjogahara was going on a two-week-long overseas business trip─and he in fact requested me to stay with his daughter.

  I knew it had to be an excuse.

  There wasn’t any way that he could so suddenly be assigned such a trip─not unless he asked for it.

  She must have explained the situation to him, and this was his way of handling the situation. She must have known that I couldn’t stay at Araragi’s for long, regardless of when he would return.

  In other words, that too─was part of her scheme.

  “Hitagi, I’ve always told you that you should become the kind of person who helps her friends when they’re in trouble,” Mister Senjogahara said just before he left, his largish travel bag in hand. “And that’s exactly who you’ve become. I’ve never been happier.”

  He patted his daughter on the head.

  And I’ll never forget Miss Senjogahara’s expression as he did so.

  Or his own.

  While I cohabited with Miss Senjogahara for a while after that, it’s not as if everything went perfectly.

  Having taken the Afflicting Cat and Tyrannical Tiger in, I was, to be blunt, an emotional wreck. To say the least, I don’t think I was pleasant to live with.

  Miss Senjogahara, though, still did what she could to support me.

  “I know how it is,” she told me.

  She let me know in detail how she’d overcome her churning emotions.

  We clashed, and we even fought.

  But we made up afterwards.

  And as the days went on, I began to understand why, despite all the jealousy I should have felt for Araragi’s girlfriend, she was the one person I never envied.

  Right.

  I think I understood from the beginning.

  Araragi.

  Miss Senjogahara.

  They were going to end up going out.

  They were going to end up going out.

  I understood─and knew that.

  I might not know everything, actually.

  But I did know that.

  So the supportive feelings I had for their relationship ever since Mother’s Day─those, at least, weren’t a lie.

  “You know, Miss Hanekawa,” Miss Senjogahara said, “I was thinking the complete opposite. Ever since seeing you and Araragi in April, I thought you two had to be going out. Or that you were at least in love with each other. That’s why I was shocked when I asked Araragi if you were and he said no.”

  And now.

  And now that I feel like I can be honest with you, she said before continuing.

  “I thought Araragi was going to reject me when I confessed how I felt. At the time, I was of course prepared to do anything to get him to say yes, but I can’t deny that somewhere in my heart, some part of me felt resigned. I mean, Araragi was so clearly in love with you─and that’s when I felt like I’d fallen in love with the guy who’d fallen in love with you.”

  “Oh. That really is the opposite of me, then,” I remarked. With a smile, I think. “I doubt I’d have fallen for him so hard if it wasn’t for the fact that he was going out with you.”

  Yes─I know it’s the most cliché thing to say.

  But we fell in love with his kindness.

  He never cuts anything loose, he never throws anything away.

  We fell in love with how many-loved he is.

  Good─so my sense that I had never begrudged Miss Senjogahara over Araragi was the one thing that I hadn’t cut off, it was my one true feeling.

  I still couldn’t deny thinking about how great it must have been, though, so I did tease her at night, and her reactions were so wonderful.

  Oh.

  So I did love Araragi.

  But I loved Miss Senjogahara too.

  And only when I was able to admit that to myself did I feel like my heart was well and truly broken.

  Pain and heartbreak─I’d managed to experience them.

  Having lived thus for about ten days.

  The moment arrived at last.

  The news reached me that a rental had been found to replace the burned-down Hanekawa residence─which meant I needed to go. Miss Senjogahara seemed worried and said, “You don’t need to leave so suddenly. Why don’t you take your time until you feel like you’re ready?” but I was fine now.

  She didn’t need to worry at all.

  “Thank you,” I told Miss Senjogahara, “I’ll come over to play again soon,” as I made my dashing exit from the Tamikura Apartments─no, that’s a lie.

  What really happened is that I broke down crying.

  It hurt to have to leave Miss Senjogahara, and I felt helpless when I thought of my life to come.

  So the Tyrannical Tiger was right.

  I really was fragile.

  Quick to break down and cry.

  But Miss Senjogahara cried too, so maybe we were even.

  And you know, I ran into Sengoku on my way from the apartment to the rental house.

  Nadeko Sengoku─a middle-school student with ties to Araragi.

  We had never interacted much with each other, though, and she was with her parents, so I didn’t call out to her. She probably didn’t notice me.

  They seemed to be such a close family.

  The thought passed through my mind─and I felt jealous.

  No, no, I thought as I suppressed the feeling.

  Nope, I shouldn’t be suppressing it.

  I’m the kind of person who sees that kind of thing and feels jealous.

  My first step was going to be accepting that.

  As I went on living, I’d check to make sure that a fire still burned in my heart─after all, flames are a part of civilization, no matter what the flames may be.

  I knew I could evolve.

  I wasn’t Miss Kanbaru, but my view had widened to the point where I could at least walk by a happy family like that and see them─so it felt like I was beginning, indeed.

  If you were wondering, the cases of the Hanekawa residence and the abandoned cram school burning down were chalked up to spontaneous combustion, as close to an accident as you could get─window glass acting as a lens or something, unusually dry air for summer or something.

  Huh.

  So the world did work itself out.

  Contradictions did get resolved.

  Even so, I don’t think I can allow myself to forget what I did.

  While no one ever tried to find me guilty, I was not innocent.

  That was something that needed to be fresh in the mind of every living thing─

  Pure, white innocence was impossible.

  The rental house I arrived at wasn’t too big. They must have seen it as a temporary abode for the duration of the new home’s construction. In fact, it seemed like it was on the smaller side for the neighborhood.

  It didn’t have many rooms, either.

  But I had already faced the persons who should be called my father and my mother and told them in no uncertain terms.

  I told them when I heard that they decided on a rental─

  “Dad. Mom. Please give me a room.”

  And so.

  And so, for the first time in my life, I had my own room.

  I didn’t want the sisters in my heart to feel cramped.

  Yes.

  It’s not as if she disappeared.

  It wasn’t as if the Tyrannical Tiger disappeared, either─

  They were in my heart.

  And I hadn’t disappeared either.

  The old me was in me, too.

  A thought crossed my mind.

  A model student, a class president among class president
s, kind to all, fair, smart, like some kind of saint─maybe the old me whom Araragi described in such terms was the first aberration I ever created.

  The girl that Araragi called the real deal.

  And the girl that Miss Senjogahara called a monster.

  That was the very first time I created myself.

  The ideal me─for whom I had killed my self in so many ways.

  It was probably something that I shouldn’t have done.

  The very first thing that I had cut loose from my heart was my self─it was never about real or main, about dominant or controlling.

  It was all me.

  And so─both the current me and the past me.

  The future me, too. Maybe there was no essential difference among us.

  Just as Araragi would always continue to be Araragi, no matter how much he changed─I would never change, no matter what me I became.

  That’s how it was.

  Nothing changed.

  That was─not the epilogue, but the punch line of this story.

  I am me.

  Tsubasa Hanekawa.

  My cat ears were gone now and I wasn’t seeing Tyrannical Tigers, but about half of my hair was still white, almost like a tiger’s stripes. That seemed like proof.

  I dye it black every morning now, since going to school looking that way would be a little too avant-garde, but it never feels like a bother or a waste of time.

  It’s my way of communicating. With them.

  With my own heart and mind.

  It’s the honest truth that I find it fun.

  Yes.

  I have a feeling─this is how my life is going to be.

  Changing, even when nothing changes.

  I used the key I had been given to open the front door─it looked like those two hadn’t come back from work yet, and no one was home. It was a completely unknown house to me, but for some reason, it didn’t feel like I was sneaking into a stranger’s residence. If anything, it felt familiar. Was unlocking a front door enough to make you feel that way?

  Wondering, I began by climbing the stairs.

  One step at a time.

  Like I was chewing over the act.

  When I climbed up the last stair and reached the second floor, for some reason I suddenly thought of Mayoi.

  The girl who’d been lost for a long time when I first met her.

  The Lost Cow─right.

  So just maybe the very first source I had cited in creating the Tyrannical Tiger hadn’t been any flaming chariot or changing flame, but the Lost Cow.

  Mayoi had of course been parted from the Lost Cow by now, but I could see it as being something of an echo. Perhaps learning of Araragi’s absence wasn’t the only reason I had met the Tyrannical Tiger just after coming across Mayoi.

  There was apparently a time when cows and tigers were confused for one another─so it didn’t seem impossible.

  I had lost sight of family and home─so it seemed like an appropriate aberration to meet.

  Ever since that day.

  No, ever since I met Mayoi in the park that day in May─I had been lost.

  Wandering back and forth, here and there, around and around.

  I must have been roaming.

  I thought to myself.

  I’d talk to Mayoi about it the next time I see her.

  I really had gotten myself lost, hadn’t I?

  As lost as one could be.

  But thanks to that, I got to meet a lot of people.

  So, so many people.

  I witnessed various families.

  I witnessed various me’s.

  Which is why I could become me.

  If the past me is me, then the future me is me, too.

  There’s no moment when I’m not me.

  Then, what me will I be tomorrow?

  Looking forward to things, I place my hand on the doorknob.

  It’s my room, given to me.

  Western-style, hundred-or-so square feet.

  Though only for the six short months until graduation─this place is, without a doubt, for me.

  A place for us.

  Out of nowhere, I remember the passage added to the letter that I left in my notebook that day.

  No, it isn’t long enough to be called a passage─a line, or just words.

  Just a brief little greeting from a white cat that always stayed with me, that protected me at all times.

  A common expression.

  One that passes through everyone’s lips as a normal part of the day.

  But it’s the first time in my life that I ever mouth them.

  “I’m home.”

  I enter my room.

  Finally I’ve made it back.

  Afterword

  There are a lot of cases in manga where the protagonist gets so overwhelmed by, say, summer homework and pleads for something ridiculous, like “If only I had two bodies,” or “I want there to be another me.” Most such stories, however, seem to settle on the punch line that both of you slack off when you have two bodies or another self and don’t get any more work done. That sounds plausible, but when I really think about it, I don’t know. The issue there is that both bodies have free will, and if a single will could control plural bodies instead, wouldn’t there be a dramatic improvement in efficiency? In other words, a single chain of command operating both body A and body B, like a left hand and a right. You might think I’m being ridiculous here, but in fact I’m not; given the incredible advancements in wireless communication in our world, I guess I just can’t deny the feeling that some extremely mechanical solution might serve. A manipulator, to put it simply. But then, if we expand ourselves limitlessly like that, we might no longer be able to tell where we end. Should we consider the shoes we wear when we go outside a part of ourselves? Are nails part of us before we clip them, but not after we do? Couldn’t we just say the books lining our shelves are us? Is what we know part of us, or is it mere knowledge? The question of what the self is and how far it extends has been exercising many humans for ages, and when you think about it, maybe no times can do so like present-day society.

  Despite the title, NEKOMONOGATARI (WHITE) isn’t meant to form a pair with NEKOMONOGATARI (BLACK), not in particular. Whether it’s (BLACK) or (WHITE), each tale can stand on its own, and they have different narrators in the first place, don’t they? Say, I guess if BAKEMONOGATARI, KIZUMONOGATARI, NISEMONOGATARI, and NEKOMONOGATARI (BLACK) were the first season, then this NEKOMONOGATARI (WHITE) would be beginning a second season. I’m exaggerating on purpose, but I feel like up to the previous volume, the narrative already “existed” when I began the series (whether or not I actually wrote it all out), while the tale from this book on was a future unknown even to the author. I wonder if this is what they call characters acting on their own, but in any case, the plan is to release another five books or so. What will their story be? Okay, this has been a novel I wrote cat-percent to entertain myself, NEKOMONOGATARI (BLACK). Pardon me, NEKOMONOGATARI (WHITE).

  We’ve requested VOFAN to keep drawing the front covers and insert images for the second season. Miss Hanekawa is getting too many covers, though. Three in the series? What if she’s on the next one, too? I can see it happening. Well, please look forward to the coming installment, including who’s going to be on its cover. Actually, I’d be surprised if it was anybody other than Hachikuji.

  I hope you’ll continue to join me, everyone.

  NISIOISIN