by Laura Martin
‘What if I can’t do either?’ He couldn’t forget about her, even if he tried. Beth was firmly lodged in his heart and mind and never would he forget her. That left marriage, and even if you took away all the obstacles that prevented her from saying yes to him he still wasn’t sure that would be the right thing for them.
‘Why can’t you marry her? Aside from the fact her mother wants my money, my reputation?’
‘Aside from that?’ Josh had to laugh at the easy way his brother dismissed the main factor driving Beth’s actions these last few weeks. ‘I have to return to India.’
‘I know very well men have wives in India.’
He couldn’t argue with that. Of course they had wives, English wives. Perhaps not daughters of earls, but gently bred women.
‘I need to focus on the business. My guardian...’ It wasn’t fair to use his guardian as a reason. Mr Usbourne cared about his business, but he also wanted Josh’s happiness and had often remarked Josh might be happier with a wife by his side. It was more complicated than that, more nuanced.
Josh fell silent, watching his boots as they walked across the beach, feeling the faint suck each time he lifted his foot up from the wet sand.
‘It wasn’t what I pictured for myself,’ he said eventually, feeling like a cad. He wanted Beth but he wasn’t prepared to change his own image of the future for her.
Leo nodded, his expression remaining serious. ‘It isn’t what you expected, what you thought would happen. When you have planned your life, planned your future, for so long it can be difficult to accept when something comes along unexpectedly and makes you consider your choices.’ He paused, coming to a stop and facing Josh. ‘Let me make this easy for you. I will make some excuse, leave the house party for a few days. You consider whether you want to try for a future with Lady Elizabeth.’
‘What will you do about a wife?’
‘I’m sure I’ll find one before Lord Abbingdon shuffles off to face his maker. The man is remarkably robust for an invalid. And if you decide Lady Elizabeth is not the woman you wish to spend your life with—’ he shrugged, looking at the horizon ‘—I still have a debt to settle.’
Chapter Sixteen
‘What have you said to him?’ Lady Hummingford was red in the face and Beth knew it was taking all of her mother’s self-control to whisper the words instead of shout and scream as she really wanted to.
‘Nothing at all, Mother. He apologised and said he needed to travel urgently to see Lord Abbingdon. I don’t think it was an excuse.’
‘Of course it is an excuse. You have spent no time with him. You have ignored him, neglected him. A man wants to feel valued, the centre of your world. This is the most important thing I have ever asked of you, Elizabeth, and you’ve treated it with contempt.’
‘That’s not fair.’
‘Do you know what will not be fair?’ Her mother leaned in close, her mouth drawn into a tight line and her forehead puckered with a frown. ‘It will not be fair when your sister is turned out onto the street. No one will marry her. She will be penniless and homeless and you could have prevented that.’
Beth felt the tears well up in her eyes. When she had been with Josh or Annabelle she had begun to believe they were right. It wasn’t fair to blame her five-year-old self for the accident that had disfigured her sister, but standing here with her mother she felt the familiar guilt, the familiar sense of duty.
‘Go,’ her mother said harshly. ‘I need to try to see what I can salvage from this mess.’
Beth pressed her lips together to stop her from saying something she might regret. However cruel her mother’s words, there was truth in them. Beth hadn’t committed fully to making Leonard Ashburton want to marry her and the consequence was his lack of interest. The lack of interest that would see them lose their family home.
With as much dignity as she could muster Beth fled her mother’s private drawing room, hoping none of their guests were in the hall as one kind word, one friendly smile, and she would dissolve in a mess of tears.
She’d almost made it to the stairs, head down and teeth biting her lip so hard it was nearly drawing blood, when she barrelled into Josh.
‘Slow down,’ he said, gripping her by the upper arms to steady her as she bounced off him. She looked up, which was a big mistake. The concern blossomed on his face as her tears began streaming. ‘Don’t cry, Beth,’ he said softly, and even though they were in the middle of her mother’s house, even though anyone could walk past, anyone could see, he drew her into his chest and held her.
His arms were strong and reassuring wrapped around her and the thump of his heart in his chest soothed her and after thirty seconds she felt strong enough to pull away.
‘It’s all over,’ she said quietly, hearing her voice catch in her throat. Even now, even with the feeling of devastation at what she had caused, a small part of her still felt relief, and that was probably the worst part. She would always have to live with knowing she could have done more, could have put more effort in.
For a long moment Josh didn’t say anything and then he took her by the hand and pulled her silently through the house. It was only luck they didn’t see anyone else as they left through the open doors in the library, skirting round the edge of the terrace into the garden. Josh remained quiet as he led her zigzagging backwards and forwards over the scraggy garden paths to the summer house.
Once inside they sat side by side on one of the benches, facing the direction of the house to better see if anyone was approaching their private sanctuary.
‘I hoped to catch you before you spoke to your mother.’
‘You knew?’ It was a pointless question. As enigmatic and aloof as Leonard Ashburton was, he had an undeniable soft spot for his brother. He might leave with only a cursory explanation to her, but Josh would have received much more from his brother.
‘Yesterday...’ he began, looking out of the summer house into the distance ‘...on the beach after we...’ It was unlike him to struggle to find the right words.
Yesterday Leonard Ashburton had summoned his brother for a private talk as they walked along the beach. Beth had yearned to know what they had discussed but she’d had to return to Birling View with the rest of the guests and then Josh had been surprisingly absent for the evening meal and after-dinner card games.
‘When Leo arrived on the beach yesterday what he saw between me and you confirmed what he has suspected for a while.’
Beth felt some of the blood drain from her face and leave her with a horrible sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.
‘What did he suspect?’
‘That I care for you. That there is something between us.’ He reached out and placed his hand on the wooden bench next to hers so their fingertips were just touching. ‘He asked me directly what was going on with us, and I couldn’t lie to him.’
Beth shook her head. She knew how it was with a sibling you loved dearly. She could never lie to Annabelle, not if asked a direct question. Her conscience allowed her to omit a few details here and there, but never to lie outright to Annabelle. She couldn’t ask any more of Josh than she could give herself.
‘I told him about the kisses, about how I care for you.’
‘Was he angry?’
‘Not at all.’
Beth grimaced but found she was too interested in what had happened next to dwell on Leonard Ashburton’s indifference to her.
‘So he’s gone.’
‘Yes. Temporarily at least.’
‘Temporarily?’ None of it was making much sense.
‘He wants me to be happy.’ Josh sighed heavily. ‘Sometimes I think he’s more concerned with my happiness than his own. I don’t know if it is guilt that he got to stay here after our parents died, that he is the one who will inherit, that he has had the life that should have been both of ours, but he is very invested in my happin
ess.’
Beth looked up sharply. She felt her heart start to pound in her chest and her skin begin to tingle. This sounded like a build-up to a declaration, a declaration that could change her whole world, her whole life.
‘He didn’t want to be an obstacle between us, if we had a chance at happiness together. I told him I couldn’t give you what you really needed, the funds to save your family home, but he insisted I consider my future anyway.’
Her lungs began to burn and she realised she was holding her breath.
‘I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Beth. Never.’ Josh picked up her hand and she knew that if he told her he loved her then she was lost. She might hate herself for failing to do her duty, for failing her sister, but she wouldn’t be able to resist him if he promised her love. ‘I know you are determined to marry for duty, to marry someone who can take your family out of debt. I’m not that man. I’m well off, but all my money is tied to the business. One day I will have funds, but not for a few years. If we decided to be together your family would probably lose Birling View.’ He paused as if waiting for her to say something, anything, but Beth’s head was swimming. It wasn’t a declaration of love, but it sounded very much as though he was proposing a future together. Marriage, a whole life by one another’s sides.
‘I don’t know what to say.’ Her head was spinning, her heart surging at the thought of spending a lifetime with Josh but her mind telling her not to be selfish, not to forget her mother and sister.
‘Don’t say anything, not yet. Let me have today. One day with you to myself and perhaps at the end things will be a little clearer for both of us.’
It didn’t seem that much to ask, although Beth couldn’t see how anything would be clearer after one day.
‘What will we do?’
‘Anything we desire. With one another. Up until now everything we’ve done has felt illicit, tainted by the knowledge that it should be Leo you’re spending time with. Let’s have one day without any guilt, without any expectation, just to enjoy one another without thinking too much about the future.’
It wasn’t something she could say no to. It sounded so perfect, so exquisite, and whatever they decided at the end of the day at least they would have had this one day together.
‘You should know Leo said if we decided we did not have a future together and you are still keen for your marriage to him to go ahead he will honour his promise to your father. You should know you have that option.’
Silently Beth nodded. She couldn’t imagine marrying Leonard Ashburton, not now.
‘Where are we going first?’ Beth asked, resolving not to think of the future until much later today. For now she was going to enjoy herself.
‘First we need to raid the kitchen. It is going to be a long day and we will need sustenance.’
‘Mrs Turner will chase us out.’
‘Nonsense. If I can’t charm your cook, then I’ll eat some of the horse’s hay for lunch instead.’
Beth laughed. It felt good just to let go even if she knew all of her problems would still be there this evening.
They half walked, half ran back to the house, ducking behind a scraggly hedge when they spotted Mr Ralph strolling leisurely through the garden. Bursting into the kitchen breathless earned them a sour look from Mrs Turner, and Beth was certain however charming Josh could be wouldn’t be enough to convince their grouchy cook to spend precious time packing them provisions for their day of freedom.
‘You weren’t lying, Lady Elizabeth. I take it back.’
He winked at her, prompting her to play along.
‘A lady never lies, Mr Ashburton.’
‘This must be the industrious Mrs Turner.’ He took her flour-covered hand and bowed over it as if she were the queen of Spain.
‘Indeed,’ Mrs Turner said, as yet unimpressed by Josh’s charm.
‘Lady Elizabeth told me you ran the kitchen all by yourself and I refused to believe her. Not after those exquisite soufflés last night.’
Somehow he’d picked exactly the right thing to compliment Mrs Turner on and before Beth’s eyes the older woman visibly softened.
‘They were far from my best. The kitchen is too far from the dining room to do them justice. A soufflé should be served straight from the oven.’
‘If they were not your best, Mrs Turner, I do not think the world is ready for your best. I for one would refuse to leave Birling View, waiting each day for one of your delicious soufflés.’
It was too much, surely it was too much. He was being too effusive, too over the top, but to Beth’s amazement Mrs Turner was actually blushing. This was the woman who had chased her and Annabelle from the kitchens even as grown adults, muttering that it was her domain and they should stick to waltzing around upstairs. Now Beth was wondering if she was about to start fluttering her eyelashes at Josh.
‘I wonder, Mrs Turner,’ Josh said, leaning in conspiratorially, ‘if I might ask a favour.’ He held his hands up quickly, continuing to talk before she had a chance to answer. ‘I wouldn’t dream of asking you to pack a picnic for us, I know how much you have to do cooking for all the other guests, but would you mind terribly if Lady Elizabeth and I took an apple or two and perhaps a few slices of bread for our picnic?’
There was a long silence and Beth thought she was going to throw them both out of her kitchen.
‘I can’t have just anyone rummaging through my kitchen.’
He flashed her his most charming smile.
‘But if you sit down I’ll pack you a little basket you can take out with you.’
Josh sat, taking a biscuit from the tray fresh out of the oven when offered and making all the right noises. Mrs Turner offered Beth one as an afterthought and Beth had the sense to munch on it quietly, being as unobtrusive as possible.
Ten minutes later, heavy picnic basket in hand, they left the kitchen. It felt illicit, exciting, and Beth felt her heart lightening as they slipped through the hall.
‘Enjoy yourself,’ Annabelle’s soft voice called out from the shadows of the hallway. Beth spun and smiled at her sister, feeling the familiar guilt as she realised that once again she was going to enjoy the day whilst Annabelle stayed cloistered inside. Quickly Beth turned back and grasped her sister’s hand.
‘Go,’ Annabelle urged.
‘I’ll stop by the village before the shop closes tonight and pick you up that book I promised you,’ Beth said, leaning in and kissing her sister on her cheek.
‘Thank you.’
Beth turned and stepped away, casting one final look back over her shoulder at Annabelle.
Chapter Seventeen
They didn’t take the horses, instead choosing to walk over the grassy cliffs, heading east from Birling View up the steep hills that climbed towards Beachy Head. It was another warm day but there was a pleasant light breeze that stopped it from feeling unbearable as they strolled arm in arm.
‘I remember coming to the seaside in England when I was a boy,’ Josh said as they stood at the top of the cliffs, looking out over the sea below. As always it was crashing against the cliffs here; even on a completely calm day the waves were impressive around the point of the coastline. ‘I don’t know where it was but, given our family home was in Kent, it makes sense it would have been somewhere not that far from here.’
‘I can’t imagine only remembering fragments of my time in the country where I was born.’
‘I don’t think of it as home, just a distant memory of somewhere I used to live.’
‘Are you glad you came back?’
‘Yes.’ It was said without hesitation, and he realised he didn’t have to think about it. There had been so many good things about coming to England, so many important things. It was worth the six-month voyage in both directions, worth a year of his life spent at sea even for a few short months in the country. ‘I would choose to do
the same again in a heartbeat.’ He offered Beth his arm and they continued their leisurely stroll before he continued. ‘Before I left India I was aware how lucky I was. I had the business waiting for me, a future. I had people who loved me, friends, a life. Despite all that I felt as though a part of me was missing.’
‘Your family.’
He nodded. There had always been a hole; no matter how happy and fulfilling the other parts of his life, he had always been acutely aware of the people who were missing.
‘I can’t ever know my parents, and I was so young when they died the memory of them is hazy, but Leo was here. Alive and living the life we both should have had if fate hadn’t intervened.’ He smiled at Beth. He didn’t want her sympathy; he didn’t want her to feel sorry for him. His life had been blessed in many ways and now he had reconnected with Leo he felt more complete. ‘I may not see Leo for another ten years but at least now I know him as an adult, as a man, not the boys we were when I last saw him.’
‘I’m really pleased you have reconnected with your brother.’
‘There has been another good thing about this trip to England.’
She looked up at him, the sun glinting off her hair and making her blue eyes sparkle, and Josh had to stop himself from taking her in his arms there and then and kissing her until they both forgot where they were.
‘What’s that?’
‘You.’
Reaching out, he brushed her cheek with his fingers, knowing soon they would be forced to make decisions about the future, and those decisions might prise them apart. He might not get the chance again to touch her velvety soft skin, to look into those pale blue eyes, to enjoy her smile.
‘Me?’
In answer he took a step towards her, taking his time to memorise each and every feature, each and every detail of this moment. He felt the surge of desire coursing through him as her lips parted, inviting him in. He kissed her, slowly at first, tasting the sweetness of her lips and enjoying the little jolt of pleasure that ran through his body.
Up here on the clifftop it was quiet but not private. Anyone could see, anyone could be passing, but Josh couldn’t find it in himself to care. So what if they were spotted in an embrace? He would just marry Beth and be done with it, whisking her back to India far away from any scandal or gossip. The thought was liberating and he pulled her body closer to his, deepening the kiss and encircling her waist with an arm.