by Laura Martin
‘We shouldn’t,’ Beth murmured, only half-hearted in her protest.
‘Why not? I want you. You want me.’ It was hardly the most persuasive or eloquent of arguments but it was enough for Beth. She relaxed back into his arms, her lips brushing against his again.
Eventually Josh pulled away, knowing if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to resist tumbling Beth down into the grass, and although the clifftop was an acceptable location for a kiss, it wasn’t anywhere near private enough for anything more than that.
‘I’ve fallen for you, Beth,’ he murmured in her ear, placing a kiss just below her earlobe and loving the little shiver of pleasure he felt run through her body.
She smiled at him, her eyes still a little glazed from the intensity of the kiss moments before.
‘You’ve bewitched me. I can think of nothing but you.’
‘Don’t be silly.’
‘I’m not. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thing before I go to sleep. My days are filled with thoughts of you and my dreams...’ He grinned wickedly. ‘I shouldn’t tell you what happens in my dreams.’
‘What happens in your dreams?’
He leant in closer, so his lips were touching her ear. ‘Very pleasurable things.’
Ever so quickly her tongue darted out between her lips and the colour started to rise in her cheeks.
‘You’re imagining it too, aren’t you?’
The shake of her head was unconvincing and Josh grinned.
‘Liar. You’re imagining what might go on under the covers if we found ourselves in bed together.’
‘A gently bred young lady would never imagine anything of the sort.’
‘You’re thinking how it would feel to have my hands on your bare skin, to have my lips kissing you here.’ He placed a finger on the exposed skin of her chest, just under her collarbone. ‘And then trail down to kiss every single inch of you.’
‘I’m thinking nothing of the sort.’
He leaned in closer again. ‘You should. Even the imagining is quite pleasurable.’
She closed her eyes for a moment and the thought that she was imagining them together in her bed was enough to send Josh wild with desire for her.
‘You’re making this hard for me,’ Beth said, her eyes still closed. ‘These last few weeks all I’ve been able to think about is you, and now you’re going to invade my dreams, as well.’
‘Are you saying you haven’t dreamed about me already?’
She gave him a little secret smile and Josh knew she had fantasised about him just as much as he had about her.
‘You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?’ They began walking again, arm in arm, their bodies brushing against one another as they moved.
‘How do you mean?’
‘Today we said we’d have one day to enjoy, one day before we decide what we want to do with our futures, but everything you do makes me want you more.’
‘Good.’
‘But do you mean that? Is it a good thing?’
Josh hated himself just a little in that moment. So much of the hurt and uncertainty Beth was feeling was his fault. If he had been able to commit to her earlier, to come out and tell her he loved her and didn’t care about the obstacles in their way, then the decisions they were facing would have been easier to navigate. The truth was he was scared of rejection, scared that, even though she looked at him with love in her eyes, she would choose Leo over him. He knew the fear came from the rejection he’d experienced as a child, the feeling of always being second best, but even though he had that insight he couldn’t banish it.
‘There’s something I need to say to you. Something very important.’ Firmly he quashed his doubts and the roil of nerves deep in his belly. He gripped her hand and pointed at the steep path that led from the cliffs to a sheltered little beach nestled in a cove below them. ‘Let’s go down to the bay, sit and talk.’
Her eyes searched his face as if she was trying to work out exactly what he wanted to say to her, but eventually she nodded and arm in arm they started the climb down to the beach.
* * *
The sand was fine and soft and as soon as they reached the beach on the rocky coastal path from the cliffs above Beth paused to pull off her boots and stockings and feel the sand beneath her toes.
In a way she wanted to put off the moment when they sat and Josh told her how he felt. She wanted him to say he loved her, that he would do anything for them to be together, but if he did she knew it would mean she would then have to make some very difficult decisions. If he didn’t say he loved her, if he said instead he cared for her, desired her, she knew her heart would break just a little. There wasn’t a perfect solution.
Josh quietened all her concerns by gently taking her hand and leading her to a spot where the sand met the grass behind. They sat, their legs pressed together, their backs to the cliffs and looking out to the sea. It was a secluded spot and only someone standing on the very edge of the cliff above would be able to see them.
‘I promised myself I wouldn’t do this today, that this would be about enjoying ourselves, but I think I need to tell you how I feel.’ He took her hand and Beth had to work on controlling her breathing, forcing herself to inhale and exhale in rhythm as she waited for his words. ‘I love you, Beth. I’ve loved you these past few weeks but I was too much of a fool to see it. I couldn’t admit it to myself, couldn’t acknowledge how much you’ve come to mean to me.’
Beth’s smile was instantaneous and her heart soared. He loved her. Whatever came next, whatever difficult decisions they had to make, he loved her.
‘I honestly never thought I would fall in love. I’ve spent much of my adult life avoiding getting too close to people, worrying I might lose them like I lost my parents, like I lost Leo.’
She placed her hand on his and he smiled at her, pulled back from the melancholy.
‘There have been so many obstacles, so many reasons I’ve told myself not to fall for you, but I just haven’t been able to help myself, Beth.’
‘I feel the same,’ she said quietly, biting her lip. This shouldn’t really be happening. They needed to be sensible about the future, about their different lives and what was expected of them. Mutual declarations of love weren’t going to be helpful if they had to go their separate ways in a few weeks.
‘I don’t think you understand,’ Josh said, gripping her hand tighter. ‘I love you so much I burn for you when we’re not together. The idea of being a single county away makes me feel bereft, let alone half a world.’
She remained silent, waiting to hear what he said next, knowing that she felt the same.
‘I love Leo, but the thought of you becoming his wife makes me feel sick. Not because he would mistreat you, not because you would be bad for him, but because I want you all to myself.’ He ran a hand through his hair, his face serious now. ‘I want you to be mine, only mine, for the rest of time.’
‘I want that too.’ They might want it but Beth knew desiring something wasn’t always enough. ‘I love you too, Josh. I love every last thing about you.’ She was about to say more but he kissed her, a kiss full of promise and expectation but Beth still felt the uncertainty dragging at her stomach.
‘I love you, you love me,’ he said as they broke apart. ‘The rest is just practicalities.’
She didn’t say anything, her head still reeling from his declaration and the half-formed hope that maybe, just maybe, everything might work out.
‘I promise I will make this work for us,’ he said quietly. ‘Just give me a little while to figure it all out in my head.’
Beth knew she should protest, insist they work it out together, but she was tired of trying to come up with solutions to save her family and willing to let Josh try for once. If he didn’t manage anything suitable they could put their heads together then
.
‘While I’m thinking do you fancy a swim?’
‘A swim?’ Beth laughed. It was warm, but it wasn’t swimming weather.
‘It’s a beautiful day, why not?’
‘It’ll be freezing. It’s not like your Indian Ocean.’
‘How cold can it really be?’ He pulled her to her feet and she watched in amazement as he began to shed his clothes, dropping his jacket to the ground and pulling his shirt up over his head. Beth found she couldn’t look away, her eyes locked on his skin as he placed his shirt on top of his discarded jacket. The heat rose from her core to her skin as he tucked a hand into his waistband and began to loosen his trousers.
‘You’re going in naked?’
‘It’s not as though there is anyone else around to see us.’
‘Someone could see from the cliffs.’
‘Then run fast into the water.’ He held her eye as he unfastened his trousers and stepped out of them, then turned and walked briskly to the sea. She watched as he took three great strides into the water and then dived under a wave, surfacing on the other side. ‘It’s barely even chilly.’
Beth glanced at the empty clifftop and then back to where Josh was kicking his legs on his back in the water. She wanted to throw caution to the wind, then strip down and follow him into the sea. To entwine her body with his and decide once and for all that she was going to be his.
All the years of conforming, of following the rules, of doing what she was told flashed in front of her and before she had even consciously made the decision to change she felt her fingers tugging at her dress, loosening it enough to wriggle out of. She was still clad in her chemise and petticoats, although the petticoats quickly followed the dress onto the pile of clothes discarded on the sand. Her chemise she kept on, knowing it would turn transparent in the water but unable to shed the last of her protective layers.
Josh swam towards her as she dipped a toe in the sea, rising from the waves like something out of a Greek epic. It was fresh and she had to brace herself to not run up the beach.
He advanced, holding out a hand, and Beth couldn’t help but rake her eyes down his toned body. He was tanned all over and she wondered how much time he spent with his top off back home as his chest had that bronzed glow that hinted at months of summer sun, even though it was a little faded now.
Gripping her hand, he tugged her gently into the water, smiling as she gasped in shock as the first wave splashed above her knees.
‘It’s really not that bad once you’re in.’
Beth rose up onto her tiptoes, holding her body rigid as the water lapped at her and then, steeling herself and taking a deep breath, she dived under the next big wave.
The shock of the cold took her breath away and she struck out in a fast swim to try to warm her protesting muscles. From swimming in the sea as a child she knew it was better just to submerge and swim as fast as you could until your body started to warm from the exertion. Annabelle had always stood on the shoreline, unable to force her body to commit to the water, and Beth always thought she stayed colder that way than Beth when she dived in.
She was halfway along the length of the beach, swimming parallel to shore, before she stopped and glanced behind her. Josh was keeping up with long, easy strokes and seemed to like chasing her through the water. Quickly she struck out again, laughing as his fingertips touched her toes before she pulled away.
The chill had left her skin by the time he caught her, looping an arm around her waist and pulling her to him, their feet scrabbling on the sandy floor. Beth’s chemise was floating in the water, only clinging to her skin on the part of her chest that was above the waves. It felt heavy and she longed to have the courage to fling it off, but her upbringing won out and she instead tried to put it from her mind.
‘The water is glorious,’ she said as they bobbed in the salty water.
‘I love the freedom of swimming in the sea, of being able to float and ride the waves with so little effort.’ Josh was relaxing with his head back as if reclining in an armchair. One of his arms still rested underneath her back and the movement of the water meant it brushed lightly against her skin, sending wonderful shivers down her spine.
‘I like that when I was swimming in the sea here off the coast of Sussex you might have been swimming in your ocean in India.’
He turned to her, straightening and putting his feet on the ground so he could move closer.
‘Never again,’ he said quietly. ‘We will either be swimming in the sea together in Sussex or the ocean in India, but never half a world apart.’
‘How?’ Beth knew he had asked for time to work things out but she needed to know. She wanted to be sure of the practicalities before letting herself get carried away with the fantasy.
‘If your mother and sister were taken care of, if you knew their futures were secure, would there be any other barriers to you coming back to India with me?’
Beth considered for a moment, knowing this was one of the most important conversations of her life. It was perhaps not ideal to be having it floating in the sea, but they needed to have it now before she was torn apart by worry over the future.
‘No. If they were provided for, if I knew they were not going to be thrown out of the house, if they were safe, their futures were safe.’
‘I do not have the available funds to pay off your family’s debts, Beth,’ he said quietly. ‘If you marry me then I do not think we will be able to save Birling View.’
She nodded, expecting to feel as though she had been punched in the stomach but in reality it was what she knew was coming. Josh wasn’t the heir. From everything she had heard he was going to take over a very successful business, but that didn’t mean he had a lot of disposable income just lying around.
‘But there is still a way. If Birling View was sold it would pay off most of the debts. I’m sure my funds would stretch to a modest annual income for your mother if she didn’t have enough left over from the sale of the house.’
‘What about Annabelle?’
Josh shrugged. ‘She could choose. We could provide a small property for her and your mother if she preferred or she could come to India with us.’
Beth felt the relief wash through her. There was a way for everyone to be, if not happy, then at least looked after. Her mother would grouse and moan at having to sell Birling View, but Beth was starting to realise that she hadn’t put her family into debt, it wasn’t solely on her shoulders to get them out. Her responsibility was to look out for her family, and that could be achieved without entering a loveless marriage just to save the family home.
‘Annabelle could come with us,’ she repeated, feeling her heart soar. She loved her sister dearly and couldn’t imagine starting a new adventure in her life without Annabelle there to enjoy it with. In India she could make sure Annabelle was happy and even slowly encourage her to build on her recent forays out of the house. It might be a fresh start for both of them away from their mother’s critical eye.
‘Of course. I have a house high in the hills. It has eight bedrooms in addition to the master suite, plenty for her to choose from.’
‘You wouldn’t mind?’
He looked at her then, staring into her eyes until Beth felt as though he could see her soul.
‘I wouldn’t mind in the slightest. I would invite the devil himself to stay if I thought it would mean I was even a fraction more likely to persuade you to come with me. And your sister is certain to be a better house guest than the devil. I barely know her, but how can I fail to care for someone you love so much?’
Beth let out a squeal of delight and launched herself at him, kissing him and looping her arms around his neck and legs about his waist. He tasted salty and fresh and as his hands drew her closer to his body she wondered if she could ever be happier than in this moment.
They kissed with the waves lapping at their bo
dies and the air above them cooling and Beth wanted this moment never to end.
After a few minutes she felt Josh’s hands tighten across her buttocks as he picked her up, carrying her out of the surf, water dripping from them both and leaving a trail across the sand. He carried her all the way to the top of the beach to a spot in the sunshine where they couldn’t be seen by anyone on the cliffs above, then he laid her down and lowered himself down next to her.
Beth’s skin felt chilled as the water cooled in the air until Josh began running his hands over her. On her body her chemise was almost see-through where it clung to her skin but Beth had finally lost her inhibitions and didn’t care.
‘Marry me, Beth,’ Josh whispered as he kissed her neck, trailing his lips down over her collarbone to her chest.
She managed to nod before he moved lower and caught one of her nipples in his mouth through the material of her chemise and then the only sound that she could make was a low groan of pleasure.
He teased her, nipping and kissing, dancing his fingers across her skin until she felt as though her skin were on fire and she longed for the weight of him above her. At some point he gripped the hem of her chemise, lifting it off over her head and murmuring in appreciation as he took in the sight of her before his body covered her own.
Beth felt her hips rise to meet his, as though her body was instinctively primed for this moment, but he hovered just out of her reach, a mischievous smile on his face.
‘You only get one first time,’ he whispered in her ear, his breath tickling her neck. ‘Let’s enjoy it.’
Beth almost shouted out loud as she felt his fingers dance across the skin of her thighs, moving ever upwards and inwards. When he brushed against her she felt a jolt pass through her body and every muscle stiffened, but then as he gently stroked and teased she felt herself begin to relax.