by LJ Evans
“But…what would I do then?”
I shrugged and tried to lighten the mood with some teasing, “Anything. You’re a god among men.”
You flipped my ponytail into my face, and I shoved you, and we started a good wrestling match. One we hadn’t had in a long time. But this time, even though you were stronger, you were limited. There were places on me you no longer felt okay to touch, and I completely took advantage of every ounce of your hesitation.
It still ended with me on the bottom, and you sitting on my stomach with my wrists in one hand. I was trying not to laugh, and you were smiling which was all that mattered to me at that moment. But as you stared down at me, with my hands above my head, and my chest heaving from laughter and exertion, the mood suddenly changed. It felt charged with electricity like the air after a lightning storm that precedes a twister. We both stared at each other, our smiles fading a little, playing with that charge, daring it to hit us. You caved first. You rolled off of me before I had a chance to whisper, “Give.”
You got up, switched the iPhone to a new playlist and then left, saying you were grabbing some food. I had already returned to my Algebra II when you came back. You had a water and some trail mix, but you’d brought me a Dr. Pepper which you tossed at me. You rolled up next to me, and we just went back to studying like nothing had happened.
Tim McGraw
“When you think happiness,
I hope you think that little black dress.”
- Swift & Rose
So, I guess we can get back to the question now. The question, “When did you and Jake become a thing?” It was easier to explain the “not a thing” first. And, God, the thought of that first sweet summer brings to mind only one song, “Tim McGraw.” It’s so full of every last star-filled memory that I have of that day. The day you graduated. The day we fell asleep together…twice. The summer wind. My black dress and, later, my blue jeans. The water. The air. Charged. Full of every expectation I’d ever had. Some songs are like that. Can bring you back to exactly that amazing moment. Don’t you think? I wonder, does that song make you think of that day too?
After that charged wrestling moment on your bed, everything seemed to build up toward what came next. The last week of school was a whirlwind. We had special night rallies and award assemblies for the seniors. We had a school carnival, and all the work that came with it. Plus finals. So, we were exhausted by the time the last day came. I hardly saw you on Friday. You were out with the boys, but on Saturday morning, before graduation, you and I went for a bike ride out to the lake and back.
When we got home, we grabbed a snack from the kitchen where your mom and Mia were busy making food and planning for all the grandparents. Just a close family “dinner” early in the afternoon at the house, because you’d said you didn’t want a big to-do made out of the graduation thing. Instead, a bunch of the graduates and high school kids were having a party at the lake later that night. I still can’t get over what a good kid Mia was—is. I would never have thought to help. I wanted to be with you, not chopping vegetables in the kitchen. And I don’t think your mama would have even given two breaths at the thought of asking you to help. While you were awesome with a football, you were helpless with a knife. That would bite us both in the butt later… but that’s still for later.
That warm Saturday morning, we were pretty wiped out, the muggy day tugging at us like a current in water. You and I collapsed on your bed with one of our favorite playlists running. One minute we were debating the guitar skills of Keith Urban and the next, I’m not sure what happened, but we had both fallen asleep. Knocked out asleep. Deep. We only woke up to Mia pounding on your door saying we had thirty minutes to get ready.
We both looked at each other startled. You had an arm flung over me. We both had hazy, sleep-filled eyes. You pulled your arm back and jumped up like you’d been bitten by a brown bug. I rolled off the bed, grabbed my bag, and turned toward the door at the same time as you pulled off your pants. You were standing there in your boxers. They were really cute boxers with footballs on them. You didn’t even seem to think about having done it because you were pulling a pair of slacks off a hanger trying to hurry.
But I froze, staring at you. You didn’t see me still as a statue until I’d somehow breathed out, “Geez, Jake.”
You barely glanced my way. “It’s not like you haven’t seen me in my swim trunks, Cam.”
But, God, did you look incredible. Way different in your underwear than in your swim shorts. I don’t know why. I had seen you in your swim trunks a million times. But…these were thinner. Clinging to parts of you that made my heart spin like a top and other parts of me jump to attention. Maybe it was because we’d just woken up from a heady, midday sleep. Maybe it was because I knew you were leaving me. All I knew was that, that very moment, right then, was a life-changing moment. I could feel it right down to my toes.
What did I do? Would I ever back down from that kind of a challenge? I shrugged ever so nonchalantly and said breathily, “Fine, I’ll change too,” and I stripped down to my bra and panties before bending to pull out my little black dress from my bag.
You stopped dead still at the sight of me in my lingerie. You had one foot in your slacks and nearly fell over. My heart flipped again. And I was happy as hell that I’d put on the “I’m wishing for something more” undies that morning.
I swear your expression was worth way more than the eighty dollars I’d forked out of my own money to buy them so that my mama wouldn’t know that I had this set that all but screamed sex.
I pretended to fuss with the zipper on the dress while you stared. I was still trying hard to act like I didn’t care, but every single nerve in my body was standing at attention. Definitely not asleep anymore. Finally, you dropped your pants and said, “Shit, Cami, you’re beautiful.”
And you’d called me Cami so I knew you wanted my attention. I looked up into your mosaic eyes, and it was like a million stars bursting into existence. I’m not sure which of us moved, but I was in your arms, and you were smothering me with kisses. Good kisses. Kisses that moved my heart right up into my throat and made every part of me turn to little fireflies of light. They weren’t like Matt’s kisses which had been gentle and soft. These kisses were intense, like your eyes, and demanding, like you needed to get every little breath that you could out of my body.
You had one hand on the back of my neck and the other was on my bare back near the top of my panties, and when you moved that hand to caress the top of the silk, I felt every breath inside me evaporate.
I felt like I had come home. Like this was the only place I was ever supposed to be. I don’t know how long we stood that way, locked in a kiss so powerful that I didn’t know what was going to be left of me when it was done, but somehow you came to your senses before I did. Maybe you’d had more experience stopping yourself. Lord knows, I wouldn’t have ever stopped.
You pushed me away and ran a hand through your dark hair, and I knew right then that you were going to apologize. I could see it written all over your face, like you were guilty of stealing the last MoonPie. But I wasn’t going to let you. I would have jumped your bones right then if your mama hadn’t saved me by knocking on the door, “Everyone okay in there?”
We both scrambled for our clothes, and you shouted out in a somewhat normal voice that we were just coming down. Thank God she didn’t come in, but I still sent her a silent thank you for keeping you from having a chance to apologize aloud.
♫ ♫ ♫
Wynn found me at the beginning of the graduation ceremony. She was there with her family because Kayla was graduating too. Somehow, her step-dad and her mom had survived the Kayla years. Wynn wasn’t sorry to see her stepsister heading off to college. The Kayla years had been tough on all of them. Now, Kayla was going down to Louisiana, and Wynn would be the only child in the household.
The graduates started walking in, and we were all searching them for you. Your parents,
my parents, your grandparents. I spotted you first. Big surprise, right? I screamed your name and jumped up and down like the crazy woman I would always be for you. Somehow, you heard me even though we were in the football stadium. And you winked. At me. Well, okay, probably at everyone, but I felt like it was at me. I jumped up and down some more, about ready to burst inside. Our families started hollering your name and taking pictures. You did a little bow that made everyone smile and laugh. When you turned your back to walk up the aisle, everyone sat down. Wynn and I were a row behind the family, and I whispered, hardly loud enough for even Wynn to hear me, “He kissed me.”
She slapped my arm, “Holy crap! No way!” My mama turned around and gave Wynn “the look.”
“Sorry, ma’am,” Wynn said with a smile.
I was all smiles. And I could feel again every nerve ending that had come alive when you’d looked at me in my bra and panties, and the heat that had swarmed my insides when you’d kissed me.
“What are you gonna do?” Wynn asked quietly.
“Stop him from thinking about it,” I told her.
“How are you going to do that?”
I just met her gaze, and she mouthed, “Oh!”
Then we turned our attention to the ceremony.
I watched the ceremony, watched you get your diploma, and then, when it was over, I watched your friends and the girls that had been in and out of your life hug you, take pictures with you, and then leave you.
But today I didn’t care. I felt a nervous anticipation in the pit of my stomach that wouldn’t be calmed.
My mama was confused. She’d expected to have to practically drug me to get me through the afternoon. But instead, I was smiling and happy. Bubbling like a pot of grits. And God knows I never did bubbly.
Maybe she suspected something was up because after we’d done the family dinner, and the presents, and we were getting ready to head out to the lake where the graduates were throwing a bonfire party, she pulled me aside.
“Camdyn,” she started and then stopped.
“Yes, mama?” I said with a smile.
“I love you. Always.”
I looked at her funny. “I love you too, Mama.”
She looked like she still wanted to say something more, but she either couldn’t find the words or changed her mind. So, I squeezed her in a big hug and then bounded out to your daddy’s truck that you’d borrowed so you could haul food and sodas and firewood out to the bonfire.
Of course, we didn’t have the beer then. That was being brought separate. Even though I’m ninety percent sure our parents knew what was going to happen, they wouldn’t have bought the beer or supported it in any way. They knew we were always safe though. You never drove if you were drinking—at all. And I’d never get in the car with someone who’d been drinking. So, the worst that could happen at the lake… well that was still a lot, but they knew we were both smart about things. Okay. Well, maybe you were smart about things. I was the unpredictable one.
When we headed out, the sun was just setting. It was warm already this year, but we had the windows down instead of the air conditioning on. It was exhilarating to feel the air blowing around us, bringing in the hint of flowers and grass and, somehow, the wildness of nature. And it was invading my soul.
I put my bag on the seat and pulled off my dress. I was pleased as a peacock when you almost went off the road watching me change into my jean shorts and a tank.
But you didn’t say anything. I pulled my hair out of the updo and let it fly in the breeze. Tim McGraw was singing something infectious on the radio. And we rode to the lake like that. My stomach doing flips like I was diving from the platform, and you unable to stop yourself from looking at me. And I was smiling. Smiling, smiling, smiling until my face might break from the effort of it all.
When we got to the lake, we were swamped with people and work. We unloaded the truck and started the bonfire, but it seemed like every time you went by me, you’d touch me with your shoulder, or lifted things out of my hands just so you could let your fingers entwine with mine.
I was a bundle of nerve endings that were begging to be put out of their misery and there was only one thing that was going to do that. It was if you kissed me again. Long and hard. It took a while. Longer than I’d been hoping for. But after the bonfire was roaring, the beer was flowing, and the music was pounding, one of the guys in my class, Pete, came by and started flirting with me. I flirted back. Harmless stuff, but it was then that I felt you wrap your arm around my waist and pull me back into you, chin on my head. Just like you’d done with Brittney all those years ago. Just like I’d ached for you to do to me for more years of my life than I could count.
Pete looked over my head at your eyes and got the picture. He took off to find someone else to flirt with. At that point, I was happy to see it was Wynn because I thought Pete was nice. And while Wynn had forgotten Zack, there really wasn’t a new boy in the picture yet. If only I’d known then… ugh.
When he took off, I lifted my head and sort of twisted to look up at you because I wanted to know what was going through your mind, and I could always tell by looking at your mosaic eyes. But I didn’t get a chance, because when I moved, your lips came down on mine. And you thoroughly kissed me. You were kissing me like you’d kissed me in your room. Like you meant it. Like you were never going to stop.
My heart was soaring. If Coach had asked me to do a backward, three-turn somersault off the platform right then, I know I could have done it without even a pause. I was high. High on you. That chocolate cookie, grassy, boy smell of you that I’d been missing like the bear misses honey in the winter.
You came up for air first, and when we looked back out at the bonfire, there were some astonished faces looking at us. Or trying not to look at us. Brittney and Kayla were whispering with “Gross!” looks on their faces. Matt was smiling at me as if he’d been rooting for me all along. And Wynn looked almost as happy as I did. She really was a great best friend. She’d seen me through years of wanting you. Waiting…on the sidelines. And now, she was celebrating with me.
I wanted to jump up and shout from the rooftop that you were mine. But I didn’t. Partly because I didn’t want to move from your arms. And partly because I felt like, if I even took a breath, you’d changed your mind and decide you were out of your frickin’ mind.
Eventually, you had to move. Paul was calling to you to help with another keg, and I really had to pee. So I was brave when you removed your hands from around my waist. I went off to the outhouse. When I came back, you and Paul were in the shadows of the truck. I had planned on sneaking up on you, unsure what I’d do when I got there, but I stopped when I heard Paul say my name.
“You and Cami, huh?”
“Christ. I don’t know. What the hell happened? When did she turn into that beautiful creature?” My heart jumped into overdrive at those words.
“Shit, man, she’s always been beautiful,” was Paul’s nonchalant response.
You were silent and then breathed out, “I feel like some incestuous perv. Isn’t she like a kid sister or something?”
“Hell, you and her have never been like siblings.”
“What?”
“Look. Even if you didn’t notice, she noticed you. God, she’d spread her legs for you as soon as you waved your pinky. I don’t know why you haven’t tapped that before. I would have loved to!”
Your response was a right hook to Paul’s jaw. It was the second time you’d hit Paul over me. I ran forward from the shadows and grabbed your arm before you swung at him again.
“Jesus, Jake!” Paul said, rubbing his jaw and picking himself up from the ground.
“You’re drunk, Paul. You’re lucky I know you’re drunk,” you answered in return.
Paul looked from you to me, and then just sauntered off to the bonfire. I held onto your arm as you tried to follow.
“What the hell was that?” I asked. Even though it’d been a shitty
thing to say, Paul was Paul. He’d always been a player. Would always be a player. It wasn’t any big secret. So, I was surprised that you had actually hit him.
You didn’t realize that I’d heard the conversation, and just said darkly, “He was just getting out of hand.”
I brought your bruised knuckles up to my lips and kissed them. “You don’t need to defend me. Everyone will think I’m a wuss and can’t defend myself.”
You smiled. The shadows of the fire playing across your face. It was so close to what you’d said to me after I’d hit Brian outside the locker room all those years ago that you couldn’t help but smile.
“Come on,” I said dragging you toward the water. “Let’s go out to the dock.”
“We don’t have our swim suits,” you complained. I think you were nervous of being by yourself with me. I didn’t care.
“Can’t keep the dolphin out of the water,” I laughed and pulled off my tank top, but kept my shorts on. Then I turned to you and pulled off your t-shirt, my hands hitting your warm skin all the way up over your head. I threw it on the ground with my top and my flip-flops.
You groaned, but removed your shoes, and we swam out to the dock in our shorts. Well…and my bra. I beat you. I did that a lot lately. My five foot eight height was still shorter than the six foot two you’d finally topped out at, but I was in the water practically every day. And I had lots of muscles from all the diving. I could hold my own with you in this one place: the water.
I pulled myself out and lay down looking out at the stars. You were just two seconds behind me and rolled up right next to me. When you put your hands behind your head, I scooted up tighter against you and rested my head on your inner arm, like I had when I was in fifth grade, and you were going into middle school.
“God, Cami,” you breathed out.
“Stop making this so difficult,” I said back.
“I knew you were beautiful. I did.”