by LJ Evans
“I know.”
“You knew?” I could hear the teasing indignation in your voice. “Never the humble one, are you?” You were up on your side looking down at me in a flash, my head hitting the dock with a thump, but I didn’t care.
I laughed up into your face, “Says the football god, himself.”
“That’s totally different.”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
And after one long look at my face, my lips, and my body, you did just that. And God did it feel good. Again. I was on fire. Even though the night had cooled and our skin was wet, all I could feel was heat. Your heat. My heat. You rolled so that you were on top of me, your bare chest rubbed against the thin silk of my bra and my stomach turned to liquid.
You let your hand wander to my breasts and touched them through the silk and I arched up into you, and you groaned again. I could feel you through your shorts, rubbing up against my thigh. I’d never thought it could feel like this. Like I was going to explode if I didn’t get closer to you.
Your hands wandered everywhere and ended up at the button of my jean shorts. You tugged at it, and it flew open with a pop. It was the pop that seemed to bring you back to where we were and who you were with.
You stopped, and I opened my eyes to find yours boring into me like a drill. The moon shining on us. The stars above us. The crickets singing. It was a song being sung for us. The noise from the bonfire seemed miles away.
You rolled off of me and pulled me close to you again. This time, my head was on your chest, my hands on your stomach, inches away from the button at the top of your shorts, and I twirled my hand in a thoughtless pattern, light and soft.
“You have to stop that,” you said with a husky voice that I’d never heard, but was thrilled to know that I had brought out of you.
But I stopped. I wasn’t so much afraid of what would happen if I didn’t stop, but of moving into something that you would regret. I’d never regret. I knew that from the tip of my head to the bottom of my toes.
“Jake? Where the hell are you, Jake?” It was Craig calling you. Drunk Craig who was going to the University of Tennessee with you while Paul was heading off to some East Coast school.
I wanted to kill him for ruining our mood.
“Come on,” you said, and you pulled me up.
You stared at me for a long time, and then laid a gentle kiss on the top of my nose, before turning away. “Race you to shore,” you said, before diving in and taking off.
You had a good head start because you’d surprised me, but I just smiled, dove in, and started stroking at a pace that always seemed to beat you.
Except, I didn’t win. Maybe because you were fueled from pent up guy stuff, or maybe because I was slowed by your kisses. Either way, you were smiling like you’d won the lottery when I reached the shore a few strokes behind you. We replaced our tops and shoes and headed off to find Craig.
The rest of the bonfire passed in a blur. You never let go of my hand. We danced, slow and tight up against each other, and fast and crazy. Wynn joined us for a dance but was pulled away by Pete to do a slow dance. People were drunk and happy and celebrating the end of another year. I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t even have one beer, but I felt like I’d had a million of them. Everyone else may be celebrating an ending, but to me, it was the celebration of a beginning.
By about two in the morning, everyone had filtered away in their cars, heading home. You and I had agreed to stay and make sure the bonfire went out without starting a fire. The night got cold. I shivered, still wet. You threw me a pair of sweats from the truck, and I changed out of my wet bottoms into them. And with barely a thought, left the wet panties behind too. I felt bold, like I hadn’t felt in years.
You had opened the sleeping bags, zipped them together, and rolled them out into the back of your daddy’s truck. I crawled up and joined you inside them. You were quiet. And I started to worry a little.
“Jake?”
“Hmm?”
“You don’t have to be sorry you know.”
“I know.”
“I’ve wanted this for a long time.”
“God, I am an idiot. You always told me I was.”
“Well, you are. But just when it comes to girls.”
“You’re not supposed to be a girl. Dolphin, maybe. Definitely not a girl.”
I chuckled. And you did too.
“You knew I was. Remember. You told my mama I was a girl when I was in her tummy.”
More thoughtful silence.
“I know. And if I had any doubts, I really knew you were a girl that time at the lake. You know. The time we had to go to the Quick Stop.”
I smiled against your chest.
“I think that’s why I was so happy that Brittney showed up. I didn’t want to think of you that way. It was easier to think of her that way.”
My turn to be quiet.
“But Cami,” you said, and I got nervous again, because you were saying my name in that way that made sure I was paying attention. “We’re still a mile apart.”
“I don’t care.”
“But I do.”
“Why?”
“Because it wouldn’t be fair to you. To have you pining away over some guy who’s away at college when you should be going out, making high school memories, and shaking your butt at all the guys, making them drool.”
“Cuz that’s so me,” I said dryly.
“Well, it could be you.”
What I should have said right then to you was that I loved you and that there would never be anyone else but you, whether you called me your girlfriend or moved on without me. But I didn’t because I was scared that if I pushed you, we wouldn’t even have this time together. Instead, I said the thing that I didn’t really mean.
“Let’s just have this summer then. This last one. Together.”
I felt you nod. We were both so tired. The emotions of the day. The make out sessions. The euphoria for me of it all. So, we fell asleep again. My head on your chest, our feet intertwined, and the stars and the crickets singing our song.
♫ ♫ ♫
We woke in the cool predawn light. There was a mist that had formed on the lake and made it seem a little dreamlike. It was the second time in twenty-four hours that we had fallen asleep together. I pulled out my iPhone, and it read five a.m.
My parents were going to be pissed. I mean, they knew I was with you, but the way my mama had looked last night, I wasn’t sure she was going to trust me with you anymore.
We scrambled out of the truck, kicked some dirt over the bonfire that still had some coals, and then headed out for home. We pulled into your driveway and shut off the engine quickly, both of us hoping that I could sneak into my house from the back.
I looked over at you. You were so serious. Like you’d just broken a thousand state laws. I leaned over and kissed you. Just a small kiss, not intending it to be more, but you pulled me up close to you and devoured my lips again.
A knock on the window scared the shit out of both of us. My mama was wrapped in a blanket with tired eyes, and a not too happy look on her face.
You opened the door, and we both slid out the driver’s side. I didn’t even have the grace to look ashamed. I was happy. So, so very happy. But I did block the view of my panties lying on the seat of the pickup.
“Jake Carter Phillips,” my mama started.
“Yes, ma’am,” you said, trying to sound contrite, but my mama didn’t take it that way.
She shoved her finger into your chest and finished off, “You. Will not. Be staying out all night with MY. Fifteen. Year. Old. Daughter.”
I think she said it to bring home to you our age difference. And maybe that you were eighteen and that I was considered jailbait.
But somehow, looking at my smiling face got the better of her. I’m not sure she’d seen me this happy in a long, long time. Maybe ever. She pulled me out from behind you and hauled me off toward
our house. She called out over her shoulder, “Later, we’ll set some ground rules.”
When I looked back at you, you held up my panties and winked at me, and my stomach flipped happily.
My mama, luckily for me, let me go to bed. I was kind of surprised that I got off that easily, but after she’d let me sleep the morning away, she came in, pulled the blinds open, and sat on the edge of my bed with a searching look on her face.
She stared at me like that until I shifted uncomfortably.
“I think you’ve always been more his than mine,” she finally said quietly.
“Mama,” I protested, but she shushed me.
“But Camdyn…he’s going away. And he’s got a life right now that is going to be even more different from yours than when you were in middle school, and he was in high school.”
“I know,” I said with my heart in my throat.
“I just don’t want you to get hurt, or…” her voice trailed off. “Well, I don’t want you to do anything stupid.”
“Mama. You’re talking about Jake. When have you known him to ever do anything stupid?”
“I’m not talking about Jake. I’m talking about you.”
“Well…” because I knew she was right. I’d done plenty of stupid things. Some she didn’t even want to know about. Like diving off a cliff.
“But it takes two to tango, right?” I tried to laugh it off. She responded by placing a box on my nightstand. It took me a moment to realize it was a box of condoms.
“Mama!” I exclaimed at the same time hoping to hell she really hadn’t seen my panties in the truck. Not that anything had happened… but well…
“Look. If I know you, you’ve already been thinking about it. You’ve always been five steps ahead of me. I just want you to be safe. I don’t want you to end up with any regrets.”
I just stared at the box. And I knew that if you had wanted to go all the way last night on the dock, or in the sleeping bags in the back of the truck when I’d already been panty free, I would have. Without a thought in the world. I’m pretty sure you would have been safe about it. I take that back, I know you would have been safe about it. You were a gentleman. You cared about me too much not to be, but this made me realize that my mama wanted that too. That she knew that this decision was mine. And the thing was, looking at the box of condoms made me realize what a big decision it really was. Maybe that was half her point.
She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “I think you’re too young. I think that you aren’t ready for the emotions that come with this, but I also want you to know that I realize that I don’t have any control over this or, really, any of the decisions you make for you and your body.”
I just nodded as she confirmed what I already knew. She’d made her point. She got up and headed for the door.
“And you bring him and his parents over here for dinner. We’re going to have to have a new set of rules if you two are going to be dating.”
And she left. It took me a while to realize how she’d said “him and his parents” in a way totally different than she normally talked about your mama and daddy. We were a family.
I lay there for a few minutes longer, and then couldn’t stand it anymore. I picked up my phone, ready to call you. But at the last minute, I changed my mind and called Wynn. I knew she had news to share as much as I did. At least Pete wouldn’t be disappearing in two months. He was still going to be there as we entered our sophomore year.
But I wouldn’t think about that right now. I’d been thinking ahead my whole life. To this moment. To knowing that you were mine, and for right now I was going to bask in it. Take every moment as it came and simply enjoy.
Our Song
“And when I got home ... before I said amen
Asking God if he could play it again.”
- Taylor Swift
I started this whole thing with a song, and it just seems like, one after another, they roll together to make a film in my head of our life together. The moments that made us, us. But that beautiful summer before you left, it was one of our best memories. It was truly an example of “Our Song.” We had more than this one song. We did. But that right there was the first of us truly together. The late night talks, the first tangled kisses, the firsts. The many, many firsts. Not all. We saved some firsts for later. These were still ones that could never happen again.
When you and your family showed up for dinner that night after the bonfire, it was really weird. My mom had set the table like she did when Daddy had business folks over. She was being all formal, and she’d even had Daddy barbecue tri-tip like he did for Grandma and Papa.
When your mama and daddy showed up, they looked things over and gave each other a scrunched up, “What’s going on look?” Then, you did that thing that made my heart zigzag like a race car, which was grab me by the waist and pull me up against you, chin on my head.
“Andrea’s worried about setting the tone for how Cam and I are to proceed now that we’re dating.” You said it so casually and with such a grin in your voice that I couldn’t help but smile.
Both your parents’ mouths went, “Oh,” at exactly the same time. Mia made a “gross” face. And that kind of took the steam out of my mama. She placed the mac and cheese on the table and then slumped into the dining room chair.
“Well,” your daddy said, clearing his throat. He looked at us and then looked away as if it was too painful to watch.
My daddy came in from the barbeque pit and almost dropped the tri-tip when he saw your arm around me. Apparently, my mama hadn’t said anything to him either. It was priceless. I felt like I could fly, and God knows that was always something I strived for.
Everyone sat down, and you held the chair for me. It was slightly uncomfortable. Not the part of you holding my chair, the whole family thing. I looked at my mama and couldn’t tell, like with the condoms, if she’d done it on purpose to continue to make it feel like more of a big deal, or if she just hadn’t known how to handle it.
My daddy started the passing and everyone was quiet. Again, abnormal when we were all together. Normally no one could shut up and everyone was talking at the same time about who knows what. Once we’d all dished up, your daddy broke the silence.
“So, someone going to enlighten me on just when this happened, and what we’re supposed to think about it?”
My daddy, winking about boys and genitals just a few years ago, looked like he was regretting every comment he’d ever made about it.
“This is your fault,” your mama said, waving her fork at my daddy and yours, making them both blanch.
“How do you figure?”
“All that talk about white weddings when they were little, and she was holding his hand.”
Both our daddies looked abashed thinking back to two little kids on a porch step with sticky Popsicle fingers.
“If it helps, I think Jake was as surprised as you all were,” I said with a smile. You messed up my hair and smiled back.
“I think I’m going to puke,” was Mia’s response as she looked to a text that came in on her phone.
This distracted your mama who immediately got on Mia about texting at the table. And everyone breathed, and all of a sudden, we were eating and joking and being completely normal. When I looked up at Mia again she winked. Your wink, and I smiled and mouthed, “Thank you.”
Your sister was cool. Just like you.
After dinner, though, it couldn’t be avoided. We got this long list of no’s. No more doors shut on rooms, preferably no rooms, no staying out past eleven o’clock, no ignoring our families or our chores, no, no, no, no, no.
It went on a long time. When it was over, we excused ourselves to hit the Dairy Queen for milkshakes and left them to dissect this issue of us dating to the parental nth degree.
When we got to the Dairy Queen, you got my door, and paid for my milkshake and fries. It felt weird. “I’m not sure I can handle you being this nice to me
,” I told you.
“Whatta ya mean?” you asked.
“Door, paying for me, you know, the royal girlfriend treatment. It’s not me.”
You leaned over, scooped some of my shake up with a finger, deposited it on my lips, and then moved in to flick the milkshake off of my lips with your tongue. My stomach fell to my knees. And my voice went away.
“If I’m gonna be able to do that, then I’m gonna give you the royal girlfriend treatment.”
I just stared into your eyes. And even though I really, really liked it when you kissed me, and I really, really, really wanted that girlfriend label, it kind of hit me for the first time what we’d done to our relationship. This wasn’t something we could just shrug away like the time I’d slugged you in the stomach for stealing the fish right off my hook.
“Hey, love birds,” Paul’s voice broke into our thoughts. He slid in next to me and stole a fry that I wasn’t eating. “What’s up for tonight?”
You didn’t look happy to see him. In fact, you looked like you had last night when you’d hit him. Paul’s face wasn’t bruised up at all, so I knew you hadn’t hit him as hard as you could have. But it was still interesting to see that look. I wasn’t sure whether to be proud or sad. I certainly didn’t want to come between you and Paul. The two of you had been friends almost as long as we had been friends.
“Nothing that includes you,” you said with a guttural growl.
Paul ignored it. “Lake?”
You shook your head.
I knew why. If there wasn’t a party going on, the lake was reserved for make out sessions and… well… the rest of the stuff that follows. Last night I would have been all over that thought. Today, with a couple condoms in my bag, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it at all.
“I was thinking bowling,” you said with a shrug, and when I met your eyes, I could tell that you were nervous about being alone with me too. I wondered if it was for the same reason.
“Bowling? Shit, we haven’t been bowling since we were…” and Paul’s voice faded away because he all of a sudden realized that I was exactly what he’d been about to say. A freshman. Well, technically, I was a sophomore now, but really who’s counting a day or two?