Across the Galactic Pond - Box Set: The Complete FAR BEYOND Space Opera Series

by Kallias, Christian

“What thing?” said the spider.

  Kevin blinked multiple times.

  “You—you speak?”

  “So do you, I don’t see what the big deal is.”

  “So…basically…everything speaks in this galaxy?”

  “I’m afraid I’ve never been outside this ship. What’s a galaxy? Is it a pretty place?”

  Kevin raised an eyebrow. “Never mind. Would you mind getting off of my shoulder—please?”

  “Certainly, but first let me know what you wanted to be taken off of you? Maybe I can help.”

  “You’re not very bright, are you? It’s you! I want you off of me.”

  “Oh…” the spider said as it walked along Kevin’s arm, making his skin crawl.

  The spider stopped halfway and turned, provoking a shiver in Kevin, and not in a good way.

  “Do you mind if I ask why?”

  “I don’t like spiders,” he said, shaking like a leaf. “No offense.”

  The spider resumed her walk and stopped near where the hovering device was securing Kevin’s left wrist.

  “None taken, but why don’t you like spiders? Are the spiders mean where you come from?”

  You have got to be kidding me. I’m actually talking with a spider, of all things.

  At least the universal translator implant in his brain was working properly.

  Kevin sighed. “I don’t know, I guess it depends. Some species are highly venomous and can kill my kind with a single bite. Others, not so much.”

  The spider ran back up, stopping at a point that was much too close for Kevin’s comfort.

  “Then maybe we could be friends? I’m a nice spider.”

  Kevin shrugged and trembled at the same time and couldn’t help but let a noise escape. “Uuuhhgg.”

  “I don’t know what that means, is that your name? My name is—” but then some high-pitched noises, barely perceptible sounds, reached Kevin’s ears.

  “So much for the universal translator.”

  “I don’t understand,” said the spider, taking two more steps toward Kevin’s face.

  Kevin held his head back as far to the right as he could. “Can you please not do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Stand so near? I told you, I’m afraid of…well, spiders. Since you fall into that category, can you please, please get off of me?”

  The spider drooped its head and slowly turned around, walking away, but then it stopped once more.

  Oh for the love of god! Now what?

  “But a moment earlier you said you didn’t like my kind, now you say you’re afraid?”

  “So?”

  “I’m confused, that’s all. Which is it?”

  “A little of both, I guess. Keep walking.”

  “Okay, in a second, but will you be my friend?”

  “Why would you like to be my fr—” but then he stopped as the spider started licking his forearm.

  “What are you doing!? Don’t—don’t bite me!”

  “I’m just licking your wound.”

  That sent a cascade of shudders traveling down Kevin’s spine.

  “I can see that, can you please…GET OFF!”

  The spider jumped a few centimeters and ran off of Kevin’s arm and stood on the hovering device. The spider shook and cried.

  Nah…I must be dreaming. I’m gonna wake up any minute now, comfortably lying in bed, in the middle of a Netflix binge-watching session.

  Kevin looked at his wound and realized it was gone.

  Huh.

  “Look,” said Kevin. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. But I’m really uncomfortable with bugs crawling on my skin. It’s nothing against you, you seem like a perfectly nice spider. By the way, what’s your name?”

  The spider made a high-pitched alien sound that made Kevin’s ears hurt. One he couldn’t translate to syllables even if he wanted to.

  “Yeah, that’s not gonna work for me, no offense. If it’s okay, I’ll give you a name of my own, one I can pronounce.”

  The spider stopped shaking and looked back at Kevin with its multiples eyes, they grew and Kevin was forced to admit that made the spider look cuter.

  “Okay. What will you call me?”

  “Let’s see. Obviously, we’ll avoid Charlotte, too cliché.”

  “What’s a cliché?”

  “Something we don’t want to use, let’s just leave it at that.”

  “O—kay!”

  Okay, indeed.

  “Itsy…What do you think of Itsy?”

  The spider shook its tiny head. “I don’t like it.”

  “Okay, what about Bitsy?”

  “Same thing.”

  “Well…I guess they sound similar, don’t they?”

  The spider nodded enthusiastically.

  “Okay, then what about Spidey?”

  “It’s cute but too generic.”

  Of course, it is. You gotta be kidding me.

  “Are you venomous?” asked Kevin.

  “I can bite and people tend to sleep for a very long time afterward. Does that count?”

  “I would say so. What about Venom then?”

  “It sounds scary. I’d rather not sound like a scary friend.”

  No matter what I call you, you’re a talking spider, and I think you’ll always scare the crap out of me on some level.

  As Kevin had that thought, he had to admit that the more he talked with the furry yellow thing, the less he was afraid of it. He wondered if perhaps them not being able to communicate was part of why most humans had a phobia of spiders.

  Kevin chuckled out of the blue.

  “What is it?” asked the spider.

  “I just thought of a funny name.”

  “Let me hear it.”

  “Leg’olas.”

  The spider fell on her back four legs and waved her front legs in the air.

  “What are you doing?” Kevin asked.

  “I’m happy. I like it. From now on, I shall be called Leg’olas.”

  “I’m glad we’ve settled that. Now, what else can you do?”

  Leg’olas lifted a leg. “I can run,” then she lifted another. “I can jump,” and she kept going on like this for each of her abilities. “I can bite, I can lick, I can make a web, and I can talk.”

  “Good thing you don’t have more abilities; I don’t think you’d still be standing if you did.”

  Leg’olas looked at her two back legs still connecting with the hovering device and laughed. Then she ran back right in front of Kevin’s face.

  I guess I’ll have to get used to Leg’olas crawling all over me.

  “So, we’re friends?” she asked.

  “Yes, we’re friends. I’m Kevin. Nice to meet you.”

  But Leg’olas looked to the side and started shaking, and before Kevin could ask, Leg’olas jumped away from his arm.

  “Where did you go? What’s wrong?”

  “Someone’s coming.”

  “And?”

  “And you’re not the only one who doesn’t like spiders around here.”

  “Ah…”

  * * *

  The ship rocked and woke Lacuna from her sleep.

  “What? Who’s there?”

  But no one answered. Maybe her mind was playing tricks on her.

  It took Lacuna a few moments to remember where she was, but the smell of her own body odor did a very good job of reminding her.

  If I get my hands on Kevin…

  Lacuna knew that her anger was misplaced. After what she had pulled, she couldn’t blame him if he had executed her in cold blood. And she had had plenty of time with her own thoughts to think about it too.

  What she had perceived as weakness and naiveté might actually have been qualities of someone with a good heart and principles. But in this galaxy, principles could get you killed, so she hoped he would toughen up a little.

  Still, right now she needed to return to Omicronia before someone without principles took her place. Kevin had effectively des
troyed most of her security on his way up to the seven-hundredth floor. If there was one place that didn’t lack opportunistic vultures, it was Omicronia, and being one herself, she knew that very well.

  The ship rocked once more, and something on the other side of the ship bleeped.

  Was that an incoming transmission? If it were, she wasn’t in a position to do anything about it. Not unless she risked disconnecting her feeding tube from her arm. But then if that failed, she’s die of dehydration before reaching Omicronia.

  Kevin had not bluffed, the intravenous feeding tube was barely attached to her skin and would fall if she moved ever so slightly, unlike her bindings that seemed unbreakable.

  She looked around like she had done a thousand times in the last three days, hoping to find something, anything, that could help her get out of her restraints. But, no luck. The ship was cleaner than a Rasolian temple and seeing as it belonged to a Sphynx, it was no surprise. The furry creatures were obsessed with cleanliness. Well, except for the now strong pee smell around her chair.

  She sighed in frustration when an idea crossed her mind.

  What do I have to lose exactly?

  She started screaming. “Anybody out there? Please HELP! HELP!”

  She kept screaming until her voice gave out and her throat was raw.

  So much for that plan. Oh well, it was worth a try.

  The ship’s controls bleeped and the engine died off.

  “What the heck?” she said aloud. “Hmm…interesting, maybe shouting wasn’t as dumb an idea as it sounded.”

  A tractor beam grabbed the ship, and she could tell from the distant viewport in the cockpit that it was being brought to the side of another ship. A metallic thunk followed; someone was attaching to the docking port.

  The question now was, was it a friend or a foe. Not that she was in any position to do anything about the latter anyway.

  She strongly hoped that whatever happened next was better than two more weeks stuck to a chair in a room that would keep smelling more and more like excrement as time passed.

  She heard air fill on the other side of the bulkhead. Pressurization, so at least it had to be an oxygen-breathing species. But that didn’t necessarily mean it was good news; it could very well be a bounty hunter with her name on their warrant. The thought made her stress levels jump through the roof in a heartbeat.

  Stay positive…

  She swallowed hard as she heard increasingly louder footsteps.

  Yeah, I’m gonna take a leap of faith and say that whatever is about to enter here is better than being stuck sitting atop a pool of my own bodily fluids.

  Truth be told, she was only half convinced, but on the flip side, she’d soon know whether or not she had damaged, at least temporarily, her beautiful vocal cords.

  Her heartbeat pounded against her chest like a Mandochukan drum parade. She looked at the manual release wheel with anticipation when she heard a strange noise.

  Was someone trying to cut a hole on a perfectly working door? There was only one person she knew of that was that stupid. But how could he know she was here?

  “Darmak? Is that you?”

  “Bothhh?” echoed a dumb voice. “Ithhh dat yuu?”

  If she had free hands, now would be a perfect time to face-palm. But it would have to wait.

  “Yes, it’s me! Are you trying to cut through the door?”

  “Yethhh, I’ll have yu out in no teime, hang on.”

  Darmak was a very loyal employee but not the brightest. He had never really mastered speaking to begin with, let alone deep-space rescue. But at least he was here, so all in all: silver lining.

  “Stop trying to cut through the damn door. Use the manual release valve, you du—”

  She stopped herself. He didn’t like being called names, and right now was not the time to anger him. Not if she wanted to hold on to her hope of a nice sonic shower and change of clothes.

  “Whut?” said Darmak.

  “You see that round thing sticking out of the door?”

  “Eeeeh. Yeeeeah. What about it?”

  Lacuna took a long, deep breath and had to expend a large amount of positive energy to try and stay zen.

  “Turn it to open the door.”

  She heard some muffled growling and panting.

  “It no work.”

  “Yeah, yeah, now try turning it to the other side.”

  “Okaaay.”

  The door finally opened and the massive pink-skinned Domdori entered the ship, but not before hitting the top of his elongated cranium against the top of the doorframe. His head made a hollow sound.

  Figures…

  “Boy, am I happy to see you!” she exclaimed.

  Darmak was holding his bumped head as he came next to her.

  “Me toooo, bothhh.”

  “Boss.”

  “Dat wut I say, bothhh.”

  “So much for the enunciation lessons.”

  “Wut?”

  “Never mind, get me out of my bindings, will you?”

  He raised the torch he was holding in his other hand. “Huh?”

  She blinked twice before answering. “No, not with that.”

  2

  The cell door opened and bright light bathed Kevin’s face. It took a few moments and several blinks for his sight to adjust from the otherwise dark place.

  “Don’t tell them I’m here,” whispered Leg’olas.

  “You got it,” answered Kevin in kind.

  Two shadows were silhouetted against the light. They looked humanoid, which Kevin decided was a good sign.

  “Oh, finally. I’d like a Big Mac value meal, and king size it, with fries and a Coke,” said Kevin with a smile.

  “Huh?” said one of the men, scratching his head.

  “Ignore the boy,” the other voice said. “He’s taunting us. He hasn’t learned his lesson yet.”

  “And what lesson would that be?” asked Kevin.

  “Show him,” said the lead man.

  The bigger of the two approached Kevin and punched him in the gut. Kevin wasn’t prepared for it, which made the blow that much more painful.

  “Son of a bitch,” moaned Kevin. “You’ll regret that. Mark my words.”

  Kevin spat some blood on the floor.

  “Didn’t your mommy teach you not to try and play a tough guy with pirates?” asked the lead humanoid.

  Pirates? Hmmm…I thought these people could be Kregans.

  “No, she didn’t,” answered Kevin defiantly and then smiled. “Neither did yours last night, but in her defense, she couldn’t exactly speak, you know, with her mouth being otherwise occupied and all that.”

  The pirate leader growled. “Sissi, again!”

  The henchman hit Kevin in the gut. And even though Kevin was prepared for that blow, it still hurt like hell.

  Kevin took a few deep breaths and then laughed out loud.

  “What’s so funny?” asked the pirate leader.

  “I’m being bludgeoned by a guy called Sissi? That’s precious.”

  “If you like it so much, I can ask him to stay with you and do this all night.”

  Kevin looked at Sissi and grimaced. “That won’t be necessary, but thanks for the offer. No offense, Sissi, but I prefer my company to have at least half the IQ of an oyster.”

  Kevin could tell from Sissi’s facial expression that he had no idea how to interpret what Kevin had just said.

  I rest my case.

  The pirate leader moved Sissi to the side, came a few centimeters away from Kevin’s face, and stared deeply into Kevin’s eyes. Kevin knew he should be afraid but after all he went through, he only wondered how and why Kalliopy would do this to him. It didn’t make any sense. None at all.

  “On my world,” said Kevin, “it’s customary to buy someone dinner before exposing them to foul personal hygiene and BO. No offense. Also, introducing oneself before hitting a stranger is considered polite, though I get the feeling politeness isn’t a pirate’s forte.” />
  “I don’t know if you’re incredibly brave for a boy your age or just plain stupid.”

  “The jury’s still out on that one…mister. . .?”

  “Captain Altanor. Your worst nightmare.”

  Kevin knew that antagonizing the pirate was probably not the safest course of action, but he couldn’t help it. His instincts told him he’d better appear strong rather than scared. Maybe it would give him leverage going forward.

  “I have had some pretty nasty nightmares, aside from the smell of your breath, which you could fix by, oh, I don’t know, brushing. . .you don’t seem that scary to me.”

  Altanor opened his mouth and blew more putrid breath toward Kevin’s face.

  Kevin coughed. “Very classy. I would also recommend a visit to your local dentist. Just saying.”

  “I don’t see what the fuss is all about. If Xonax wanted to interrogate you himself, I guess there must be something I’m not seeing.”

  “It’s part of my charm. Who the fuck is Xonax, and can’t people in this galaxy pick names that don’t sound like detergents?”

  Altanor chuckled. “It’s a pretty silly name, isn’t it?”

  “Altanor or Xonax? It’s a close call if you ask me.”

  Kevin could see in his captor’s eyes that he didn’t enjoy being insulted.

  “Sissi,” he said, moving to the side.

  Kevin laughed. “Yeah, Sissi, hit the little boy. Show everyone how strong and dumb you are.”

  This last remark did not have the effect Kevin hoped for, which was to distract muscles and make him stop and think. That, Kevin decided, was not something he must have been accustomed to all that much.

  A sharper pain accompanied the third punch as Sissi’s fist broke, or at the very least, fractured something inside Kevin’s chest, most likely a rib.

  “Why don’t you tell me what the hell you want? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Sissi’s enthusiasm, but I fail to see what good it will do you if I die from internal bleeding.”

  Altanor narrowed his eyes.

  “Are your species that frail?”

  “I’m seventeen you dipshit, and Sissi is three times my size, so you do the math!”

  Sissi was about to hit Kevin again, but Altanor grabbed his fist. “No, as annoying and antagonizing as he is, he’s right. We need him breathing.”

  So they do need me for something. Good, that might give me an opportunity to get out of Dodge later.