“See? Now it’s back on. But if you start crying, it will fall off again, just like this.”
Smiling Ernst repeated the trick, but this time the curious baby tried to grab his hand to inspect his ‘nose’ closer. After two more times little Ernie was already laughing, amused by the new game. And then all of a sudden he put both tiny hands on Ernst’s cheeks and said loudly and firmly, “Papa!”
I brought my hand to my mouth in both amazement and adoration. I couldn’t believe that he recognized his father who he only saw on the picture before. Ernst seemed astonished too.
“He knows who I am?” he hardly whispered to me.
I nodded, fighting the tears again. “Yes. I keep your picture next to his crib. He kisses it every night before he goes to sleep. I didn’t think he’d recognize you though…” I affectionately brushed the bangs off baby Ernie’s face. “Yes, darling, this is your Papa. You remember him, ja?”
“Ja. Papa. Ich liebe dich, Papa. Gute Nacht.”
I laughed through the tears. My son had just said what he’d normally say to his Papa’s picture. I love you, Papa. Goodnight. In perfect German, even though his first language was English.
“Ich liebe dich auch, Ernie.” Ernst kissed his son’s both hands and then the top of his head. “Thank you… Emma.”
He wanted to call me Annalise, but corrected himself to my new name not to compromise my new identity. He always protected me from everybody, from the first time we met: from the Gestapo, from Reinhard, from Heydrich, from Müller, from his government, from the Americans… and I betrayed him in the worst possible way. I said ‘no’ when I should have been screaming ‘yes.’
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry!”
I wrapped my arms around him and pressed myself to him as close as I could, noticing in horror what the prison had done to him: instead of the strong, lean body I knew so well, I felt bones, bones right under the thin material of his shirt, as if he was incarcerated in Dachau and not the Nuremberg prison. It seemed like he’d lost about sixty pounds, maybe even more. I buried my face on his neck so our son wouldn’t see me cry again.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, my angel,” I kept repeating, swallowing bitter tears. “It’s all my fault, I should have said yes then, I should have gone with you, I should have never let you go, I should have followed you wherever you went…”
“Don’t say that, sweetheart, it’s not your fault. It never was,” Ernst interrupted me, kissing both Ernie’s and my hair. “You did everything right. We wouldn’t have a future anyway, a normal future at least. You were absolutely right when you said that our son didn’t deserve it. We’d have to live in hiding for the rest of our lives, afraid of every shadow and every new man in town, constantly on the move, constantly looking over the shoulder, it would be a miserable existence. It was very selfish from my side to even suggest it. I’d never wish such a life for you or Ernie.”
“No, I was wrong, so very wrong! I didn’t understand it back then, I thought that I had to follow some stupid arguments I made up in my mind, but all those arguments didn’t matter in the end, when I realized that I’d lose you forever! I didn’t understand how much I really loved you, how I wouldn’t be able to live without you…”
“Of course you will.” His kindest smile couldn’t mask the deep sorrow and pain in his eyes, and it was breaking my heart in tiny little pieces. “You’ll learn how to live without me. You’ll grieve for a while, but then it’ll get better. You have Ernie, you’ll have more children in the future, and I know that Hein…Hermann will be a great father to all of them. He loves you so much, and you did the right thing staying with him. You’ll be very happy together, you’ll see. In several years, when the two of you will be taking a walk in Central Park with your five children, you’ll remember my words, and you’ll smile. You’ll know how right I was.”
“No!” I kept shaking my head clinging onto his clothes, which hung loosely from his body, as if trying to grab the last straw that would keep me afloat, because I was already drowning in the darkness that was slowly pulling him away from me. “I can’t… I don’t want to… I don’t need anybody else, I need you!!! I don’t want the park, I don’t want the normal life, I want only you, and it doesn’t matter where we would have been, in the hut in the forest with nothing to eat, it wouldn’t matter because I’d still have you! I should have told you all this a long time ago, I should have been telling you every single day how much you meant to me! If only I could bring everything back, I would cherish every day, every minute spent with you, I would stay by your side no matter what, I would never let you go again! Erni, my Erni, I love you more than anything in the world, I want to stay here with you, in jail, in your cell or next to it if they won’t let me inside, I will sleep on the floor like a dog if I have to, just to be with you, darling, sweetheart, my angel, I want to stay with you till the last minute, I want to die with you!”
I almost screamed the last words, weeping uncontrollably on Ernst’s shoulder. He pressed me even harder to himself, digging his fingers into my arm. He didn’t want to let me go either.
“Don’t say that, sweetheart. I gave myself up so you could live a happy life you deserve. And now you want to die and make my sacrifice pointless?”
He was still trying to joke, to pacify me, but I already glued myself to his neck and decided that they would have to physically drag me out of this room, but there was no way I was letting him go.
“No, I’m not leaving you, I’m staying here with you!”
“You know you can’t. Don’t make it harder…”
“But I love you!”
“I know you do. I love you too, more than life. Promise me, please, that you’ll be happy.”
“I can’t…” I couldn’t even talk anymore because of the hysterical sobs.
“Please, do it for me. Promise. Or better swear. This way I’ll know that you’ll have to keep your word, and I’ll die happy.”
“Don’t say that, I’m begging you…”
“Swear. Please.”
“I swear,” I finally breathed out even though I felt like my heart was just ripped out of my open chest and torn in pieces.
“Thank you.”
Ernst kissed me on my temple, still rubbing my back, trying to make me stop crying.
“Emma?” he called my fake name out once again.
“Yes?”
“I always wanted to ask you before: in your religion, what you believe in… Is there a heaven or hell?”
His unexpected question somehow snapped me out of my hysterics, and I lifted my eyes at him.
“No. The hell is only a temporary place where the soul can reflect on its mistakes, but then it comes back to Earth. We believe in reincarnation. The heaven… we believe in heaven here, in this life. One must create it for himself.”
Ernst grinned, just like in old times. If only he didn’t look so pale and gaunt…
“You created it for me.” He gently wiped the tears from my face. “And what about the reincarnation?”
“Every person is reborn multiple times. When the soul is ready, it comes back to Earth to start a new life.”
“I like it better than the Christian heaven. In Christian religion I’d go straight to hell, and you’d go to heaven, and we’d never meet again. And I do want to meet you again. In the next life.”
“You will, my darling. You certainly will.” His hair was longer than he always used to cut it, and I was running my fingers through it, memorizing the sensation forever in my mind. “We also believe in soulmates. In the beginning the man and the woman was one, and God separated them, I don’t even remember why. But the point is, when the two souls, that used to be one, meet, they know that they meant to be together, and no matter what circumstances, they’ll always find each other. Destiny itself will be pushing them into each other’s arms.”
“Like it did with us?” He was smiling at me.
“Yes.” I smiled back.
“Just don’t rush to get marri
ed in your next life until you meet me, will you?”
“I won’t, I promise.”
“Will you kiss me goodbye?”
I nodded, and he covered my lips with his mouth, like he did so many times before, but this time it would be the last one. I didn’t care about the MPs probably staring at us, or agent Foster, I was desperately trying to imprint this last kiss in my memory, his soft lips, his unshaven cheek, the smell of his skin not masked by the cigarette smoke or cologne, his arm around me, his breathing… And when he moved away from me, I felt like he took my soul with him with that last kiss.
“Goodbye, my angel,” he whispered and slowly handed me Ernie back. “My two angels. I love you both.”
“I love you too, my darling.” One last tear rolled down his left cheek, following the outline of the vertical scar, and I pressed my lips to that wet spot, for the last time. “Goodbye.”
He kissed baby Ernst once again, told him to be a good boy and to never cry again, said that he loved him and would always be with him in his dreams.
“Papa, don’t go,” Ernie said in English when the MP Officer, who brought Ernst in, cuffed his wrist to his own and opened the door. Ernst turned around for the last time and waved us with his free hand.
“I’ll see you in the next life, Emma.”
“Yes, darling, you will.”
He winked at me, and followed the MP out of the room. I kept staring at the door thinking that it was the last time I saw him alive.
_______________
“Who was that man who gave you a ride?” Ursula took the cup of coffee I handed to her and took a biscuit from the plate I put in front of her.
“I don’t know, some OSS man.”
“What happened to agent Foster?”
“We were ready to board the plane back to New York, and some MP ran up to him, said something and agent Foster told me that something important just came up and he’d have to stay in Nuremberg for some time. He didn’t go into details, just assured me that someone from the OSS would meet me in New York and give me a ride home.”
“That’s strange.” The blonde frowned.
“It’s not, if you know the OSS. I stopped getting surprised a long time ago.” Under Ursula’s stare I reached for the sugar I kept on the top shelf away from Ernie who recently learned how to climb furniture, and put it on the table as well.
“I’ve meant to ask you for some time now,” she started indecisively. “Are you pregnant?”
“What?” I asked, puzzled by the unexpected question. “No, why?”
“I don’t know,” Ursula slightly shrugged and poured cream into her cup. “You’re skinnier now than when I first met you and you were a ballerina back then. Now you look, I’m sorry for saying that, but you look not much better than those liberated from the camps at the end of the war. And for a hundred pound girl your belly is a little… noticeable.”
“What? I don’t have a belly.” I didn’t look in the mirror too much recently and had to lower my eyes to actually see what she was talking about. “Alright, maybe a little belly. It’s probably been there since I had Ernie.”
“No, it hasn’t.”
“You think I wouldn’t notice if I were pregnant? I’ve been pregnant two times before! I’m not even nauseous in the mornings.”
“You’re not nauseous because you don’t eat anything.” Ursula arched an eyebrow. “Listen to my advice, go to the doctor. What would it hurt just to check?”
“I guess you’re right.” I agreed reluctantly, stirring my coffee.
It was certainly the worst possible time to add another child to the family, and I secretly hoped that Ursula was mistaken. But the doctor at the local hospital, a cheerful woman of hardly thirty, stated the complete opposite.
“How come you only came now? You’re about three and a half, maybe even four months along. You should have come earlier!”
“I didn’t think I was pregnant,” I admitted embarrassingly.
“You, Germans, are so funny! One woman brought her six months pregnant daughter saying, ‘Do you think she might be pregnant?’ I laughed out loud, I swear! I asked her, ‘Lady, what was your first clue?’” The doctor laughed kind-heartedly again. “Haven’t you noticed that your period was late?”
“I’ve had a very difficult year,” I explained. “Sometimes I wouldn’t have it for two or three months in a row, and then it would come back again. I just stopped paying attention to it.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Your family, are you refugees?” she asked sympathetically.
“Yes, we are.”
“I’m sorry again. I can only imagine what all of you had to go through.” The doctor slightly patted my hand in a universal sign of support, and then added with a smile, “But no more worries for you now! You’re going to become a mommy soon. You have to start thinking about your baby. Let me check his heartbeat again.”
She put her statoscope back into her ears and started moving it from spot to spot on my belly.
“I think… yes, I’m pretty sure that there are two heartbeats actually.”
“He has two hearts?” I widened my eyes at the doctor who burst into laughter again.
“Of course he doesn’t! You have two babies in there, twins.”
“Twins?”
“Yes, twins. You have a son, you said?”
I nodded.
“Congratulations, your son will have two playmates instead of one!”
On my way home I had to pinch myself a couple of times making sure that I didn’t dream it all. Now that I was thinking of it, I did feel something strange when my babies had just probably started to move inside, but I was so preoccupied with thinking about Ernst, that I didn’t even pay any attention to it. I stopped by the liquor store on the corner of our house and paid for the most expensive bottle of Dom Perignon they had. I was smiling, thinking how ecstatic Heinrich would be to learn the news. He was working at home today and didn’t have to go to the office, and I almost ran up the stairs to share the news with him.
“Sweetheart!” I screamed from the hallway, petting both dogs jumping on me as always and kissing Ernie on top of his head, who would also run screaming with joy to meet his mommy. “I got you a bottle of the best champagne I could find! But you’ll have to drink it alone.”
I entered the kitchen where my husband was having his lunch, looking at a loss for some reason.
“What?” he asked me, shifting his eyes from the bottle in my hands to me and back. He picked up his fork, put it back down and touched the tablecloth next to it, as if not knowing what to do next. Very odd behavior for Heinrich, who was always as calm as a rock, I thought, but decided that maybe I confused him with my announcement.
“We’re going to have a baby!” I smiled wider at him. “Even two, actually. The doctor has just confirmed it.”
“Really?” He got up from his chair and hugged me, looking both excited and still nervous. “That’s such great news!”
“You don’t look too happy though.” I playfully squinted my eyes at my husband. “They’re yours this time, I promise. Both of them.”
Heinrich laughed, a little anxiously as it seemed to me. “I know, I know, sweetie. I couldn’t be happier, really.”
“Well, open the bottle then!” I handed him the champagne.
“Maybe later?” Heinrich put the bottle aside, surprising me even more. “Together with Sterns? How about you sit down, and I’ll serve you a nice lunch?”
“Alright.” I sat in the chair Heinrich moved for me. “It’s very nice of you. Are you always going to take such good care of me from now on?”
“Yes, always,” he promised readily, putting a plate with an omelet in front of me and pouring me coffee.
“Thank you, darling.”
Working on my omelet I couldn’t help but wonder why my husband was acting so strangely. He was watching me from a side of his eye, his brow slightly furrowed, with his hands clasped around his mug.
“That was delicious
,” I thanked him, pushing my plate away. “Now if you could only give me a newspaper with my coffee, I would be absolutely happy.”
“There was no mail today,” he pronounced inaudibly, looking away from me.
“No mail? What do you mean, no mail? Has the mailman died or the United States ran out of paper?” I teased him.
He smiled nervously and didn’t answer anything.
“I’ll go ask the Sterns then, see if they had their mail delivered today.”
I had just got up from my chair when Heinrich grabbed me by my wrist.
“No, don’t go!”
“Heinrich!” I released myself from his ice cold grip and stepped away. “What is it with you today? Why are you acting so strangely?”
“Nothing. Just… don’t go anywhere, please. Stay here with me. I can go to the newsstand and buy you a magazine, how about that?”
“Heinrich?” I tilted my head to one side, an uneasy feeling taking over me. “Why don’t you want me to see today’s newspaper?”
“No reason,” he hardly whispered, swallowing hard. “Just stay home and rest, please. You can’t get worried now.”
“Why would I get worried?” shivering inside I still asked him, already suspecting the worst.
“Please…” my pale husband begged me for the last time and petted the chair next to him, but I turned around and ran out of the door skipping steps, and rushed to the nearest newsstand on the corner.
“Annalise!” I heard him calling me when I was almost next to the kiosk. Before he could catch me, I yanked The New York Times from the stand, threw it on the ground and started feverishly turning pages one after one until I gasped in shock at the horrifying article. ‘Ten Nazi war criminals were executed in Nuremberg.’ And to emphasize my agony a thousand times, they put the pictures of the executed men still with ropes next to their heads.
“Don’t look at it, darling, don’t look!”
Heinrich pulled the newspaper out of my hands and closed it, but it was too late. I saw his picture together with the rest of them. Ernst, my Erni, was dead. I felt like all of a sudden all air was sucked out of my lungs making it impossible to take another breath. And then anguish and hysteria covered me all at once, and a maddening scream burned my throat as I clenched onto the paper Heinrich was holding in his hands, crushed it in my hands and buried my face in it.
The Girl from Berlin: War Criminal's Widow Page 23