by Skye Jordan
“Talk to us,” KT says.
I heave a sigh and drop my hands. “He booked the retreat under a new company name and his given name. God, I feel so stupid. I didn’t even know his given name. Xavier did. I checked out the website and, yeah, maybe I thought it was a little weird there was no picture of this Shannon person, but everything looked like it was in order, so I let them book. There’s a big fat lesson in all of this—dig deeper.”
The shock and anger are starting to wear off, and the pain is sinking even deeper.
“Shit,” Laiyla says.
KT looks at us both, “We’ll pull the plug.”
After a beat, Laiyla says, “Definitely.” She takes a deep breath as if it’s hard to pull air, then confirms with a nod. “We’ll cancel the whole thing, return everyone’s money. I’ll start making calls tonight.”
“Stop, stop, stop.” I pull out another case of water and drop to a seat, resting my elbows on my thighs and my head in my hands. I know how hard those words were for Laiyla to say. She has the best business head out of the three of us. “Slow down. Let me think.”
We all go quiet, but my mind spins, unable to complete a thought.
“Can I just say,” Laiyla says, “how thrilled I was to see you kiss Xavier? God, you two are so beautiful together.”
I groan and cover my face.
“Can’t you just see their kids?” Laiyla says to KT. “They’ll be stunning.”
“I did not kiss him.” I drop my hands. “He kissed me. And it’s immaterial because it’s not real. You should know it’s not real. I’d never not tell you something like that.”
“The way you kissed him back sure looked real,” KT says.
“I didn’t—” I put up my hands. “Never mind.” I rest my head in my hand again. “Can we drop the whole Xavier thing? I can only handle one man mess at a time.”
My mind swamps with everything I’ve learned over the last twenty minutes—Bodhi came halfway across the world to tell me he wants me back. I have to spend the next ten days with a guy who deliberately betrayed me—repeatedly. Xavier’s lips are so much softer than I imagined.
I shake the last one from my head, but my heart is still pounding too hard.
“What did he say to you?” KT asks.
“Just a bunch of bullshit. Said he didn’t tell me he was coming because he was afraid I wouldn’t talk to him, that he wants me back, that he made a mistake, blah, blah, blah.” I cover my face and yell, “What. Is. Happening?”
“We can get out of the contract,” Laiyla says. “Our lawyer made sure we were covered. And we could have the lawyer threaten to sue Bodhi if he slanders us. He shouldn’t get an opportunity to hurt you, Chloe. Not again.”
That last comment clears a little fog from my head. “You’re right, he shouldn’t.” I drop my hands, but my head is now pounding. “But ultimately, that’s up to me, not him. And I’m not going to let him damage all we’ve built together just so I can avoid a little discomfort. I’m better than that.”
KT nods in agreement, adding, “Stronger than that.”
“I bet he’s trying to ride your coattails,” Laiyla says. “He’s put out a book under his new name, new company. Sounds like he’s looking for a fresh start. What better way to garner attention for his work than to hit you up—the master of manifesting miracles—for an endorsement?”
“If I were a master at manifesting miracles,” I mutter, “he wouldn’t be here.”
“Maybe he’s not the miracle,” KT says. “Maybe Xavier’s the miracle.”
I give her a stop-or-I’ll-kill-you look.
“Maybe Bodhi thinks attempting to rekindle things will soften you up to the idea,” Laiyla says.
And, great, the fact that he came all this way to get an endorsement and not because he really wants me makes me feel even shittier. Which is ludicrous because he’s a bastard. “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I think straight?”
“Sounds to me like you’ve given your ego the reins,” KT says.
I cut a look at her. “You actually sound like you know what you’re talking about.”
“I read your book and listen to your podcasts.”
“So have I,” Laiyla says, “but I never come up with those zingers.”
KT smirks, looks at the nails of one hand, then brushes them against her chest. “It’s a gift.”
At any other time, I would laugh and tease them both. But KT is so right. My ego is screaming, and I need to gag it before I lose my ever-loving mind.
I scrape my lower lip between my teeth, hold my head with both hands, and take seven deep breaths. Seven is the magic number for calm.
KT and Laiyla are quiet as I settle, and when I open my eyes again, my thoughts are far more linear than they were seven breaths ago.
“Most people here have to know us as a couple at one time,” I say. “We did everything together—wrote, practiced, traveled, taught. There are still publications and videos circulating from our work together.”
I rest my forehead against my fingers and massage at the thump growing in my skull. “The heart of my brand is personal strength and integrity. I encourage people to mend or abandon toxic relationships and situations. I’ve been a role model for those actions and an example of how easily it can happen to anyone. I can’t just act like it’s okay that he’s here.”
I realize that this is way less about Bodhi being here than it is about sticking to my personal dedication to my work. I strive to walk the walk, remain as nonjudgmental as humanly and imperfectly possible, foster acceptance of what is, and learn from it.
I huff a disgusted laugh. “I’m such a fucking fraud.”
“What?” Laiyla and KT say at the same time.
“That’s bullshit,” KT adds.
“I’ve spent over a year trying to recover and heal and grow. I’ve built an entire life on teaching others how to do the same. I’m writing fucking books, words and ideas that sink into the minds of thousands, yet here I am, losing my shit. My life is a house of cards, flying apart with one strong gust.”
“Don’t you dare belittle yourself like this,” KT says. “You’d be the first person to jump to our defense if this was happening to one of us.”
“She’s right,” Laiyla says. “And you know how I hate to admit she’s right.”
I huff a laugh.
“Start treating yourself the way you would treat one of us in this situation,” KT says.
I exhale hard and push to my feet, pacing to help the thoughts flow. “I need to change the itinerary. I’ll pull out of everything I possibly can. I’ll arrange it so we’re never in the same room together.”
But even as the words come out, I realize how unrealistic that idea is. I also realize how weak it makes me look and feel. But when I tune in to the chaos inside me, I know I need space from him. I’d never admit it out loud—can barely admit it to myself—but a part of me still loves Bodhi. Maybe KT’s right, maybe I should be kinder to myself, but I hate the idea that I failed at putting that whole mess and all the feelings that went with it behind me.
“Totally doable,” Laiyla says. “It’s the perfect time, before the retreat starts. We can easily get a new schedule into the bags by morning.”
“You know,” KT says in a tone that tells me she’s about to get sneaky, “real or not, Z may have done you a big favor by kissing you in front of everyone.”
“Oh my God, how could you possibly think—”
“You want to make sure everyone—including Bodhi—knows you’re not getting back together? You want to send a message as a strong, resilient woman who chooses healthy, loving relationships with great guys? Then let Xavier’s little alpha stunt stand. Build on it. Show everyone at this retreat how blissfully happy you are with a man of law and order. There’s no better way for you to show everyone that despite Bodhi’s presence here, you’ve moved on with someone upstanding and honest.”
“That’s brilliant,” Laiyla says, eyes bright. “You always have the
best ideas. What are we going to do when you leave us?”
“Oh, don’t go there,” I say, refusing to think about Ben and KT and the girls leaving. “I’m barely keeping my shit together as it is. I may hitch a ride with you guys when you leave. I’ll bunk with Jazz. She’s little, doesn’t take up much room, and she likes me.”
“It’ll be easy,” KT says. “Z’s been wanting you since the day you two met. Throw the man a bone, for God’s sake.”
“That’s not right. I adore him. I mean, right now I’m pissed at him, but under normal circumstances, he’s…”
The room goes quiet.
“He’s…?” KT nudges.
“He’s my friend. A really good friend. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“Chloe,” Laiyla says, drawing my attention with a compassionate voice. “Accepting help does not make you weak, and it doesn’t mean we don’t think you can handle it on your own. Like you said, he’s a really good friend. Friends support friends in rough waters. You’re always the first one to back any of us.”
The closet door opens, and Xavier’s silhouette nearly fills the door, and that natural swagger of his shows even in the lazy way he leans his shoulder against the jamb and crosses his arms. “I’m game.”
Embarrassment floods my face with heat. “What part of boys, get out didn’t you understand?”
“I was out.” His voice is as calm as mine is frantic. “It’s not my fault you ladies talk loud enough to be heard outside the door.”
Oh. My. God. My face burns, and I cover it with my hands and growl. I want to scream. I want to disappear. But, fuck, I can’t. I have to deal with what is. I need to find the lesson in all this. I have to grab on to it and grow, even if it hurts.
But…not this. I’ll find another way.
“I’m no good at pretending, and I don’t have time to play games. I’ve got a lot of work to do to reschedule everything before morning.”
Xavier holds a hand out to me. “Come on, sugar, let me show you how easy it’ll be.”
I cross my arms. “This is stupid.”
“He’s waiting right outside the market door,” Xavier says, hitching his thumb over his shoulder. “And speaking from a guy’s perspective, I can promise you that if you leave without me, he’s going to think we fought over him and you bailed, which makes you extremely fair game.”
I pull in a breath to tell him he’s full of shit, but he’s not. That’s exactly what Bodhi would think. And, as much as I hate myself for all the feelings that have resurfaced, I have to admit that they have resurfaced. Having Xavier as a buffer could help me find my equilibrium and strength again.
“Or, you can walk out with me,” Xavier says in the silence, “and stroll past that asshat, showing him and everyone else out there that you’ve not only moved on, but moved up.”
“Moved up to yet another player?” The words come out with too much bitterness, too much accusation, and I immediately regret them.
Xavier plants a hand against his chest. “Ouch.”
I can tell by his expression he’s only playing hurt, but the barb exposes my weaknesses. “I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”
“Pffft,” KT says. “That’s nicer than what I would have said.”
Xavier frowns playfully at KT and gestures to himself, shoulders to toes. “Don’t disrespect the law, Rivers. There will be hell to pay.”
Laiyla laughs.
“It’s only ten days,” KT tells me. “And half the town already thinks you two are sleeping together anyway.”
My arms drop right along with my jaw. “What?” I turn a scowl on Xavier. “What did you—”
“Not me,” he says, hands up in surrender. “I didn’t say anything to anyone.” He hooks his hands in the neck of his body armor and grins. “Though I might have mentioned what I’d like to—”
“Not helpful,” KT says with a don’t-make-it-worse scowl for Xavier. “My point is, locals won’t think twice when they see you two together.”
The room goes silent for several long, uncomfortable moments. I don’t care what people in town think, but I am concerned about my reputation as a spiritual teacher.
Xavier extends his hand again.
“I hate this,” I say. “I hate all of this. It goes against everything I stand for—independence, success on my own terms, finding happiness without a man.”
Xavier only nods as if he understands and uses his hand to make a “come here” gesture.
If this was all about me, I’d make some very different decisions. But it’s not. It’s about doing the tough stuff to honor my responsibilities, about taking care of my friends and my students. Taking Xavier’s hand now will give me time to get in touch with my better self and find a civilized way to deal with Bodhi so I don’t tank our first retreat.
I grit my teeth and grudgingly take Xavier’s hand. His smile is quick and sweet, and a tingle courses through my stomach, urging me to reiterate, “This. Is. Only. Pretend.”
He pulls me close and wraps his free arm around my waist. The move is effortless, his body warm and strong. And yeah, I melt a little—at his commitment to our friendship, his willingness to help me out, the fact that he’d play this stupid game just to keep my life intact.
He releases my hand and brushes my hair over my shoulder, his gaze following the motion with a softness I’ve only ever seen when he’s playing with Ben’s girls. “This is just a friend helping out a friend, and I believe I owe you one.”
“Grab one of the schedules,” Laiyla says. “Cross your name off the events you want to skip, then take a picture and send it to me. I’ll fix it tonight.”
“I can do it,” I tell Laiyla, turning to face her. “I’m the one making the mess, I can clean up.”
“You need to put the books in the tote bags,” KT says. “I’ll stay here with Ben and the girls and be the face of the resort.”
“All settled.” Xavier wraps his arms around me from behind and rests his chin on my shoulder. “Ready to get out of here?”
From the frying pan into the fire.
“Yeah,” I tell Xavier, who’s body is currently making mine sing a tune I haven’t heard in a long damn time. I glance over my shoulder. “But—”
“It’s all pretend. I heard you.”
Xavier’s hand feels big and strong around mine, but not exactly safe. I’m now caught between choosing the lesser of two evils—a man I want nothing to do with, and a man I should want nothing to do with.
On the way out, I look right past Bodhi as if he’s invisible. Xavier and I are stopped several times by fans asking for me to sign copies of my book they brought from home. I welcome the opportunity to get a break from Xavier’s touch—only I don’t. His hand slides up my back and beneath my hair, coming to rest on the back of my neck, where his thumb continues to stroke my skin.
A pretty woman in her fifties offers me a copy of Manifesting Daily Miracles. “Can you sign it to Cindy, please?”
“Of course.” My hand flows with my note and signature. “Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy the conference.”
“Thank you.” She takes the book and pen back. “I have to admit, after hearing the rumors about Bodhi’s womanizing, I almost didn’t come. I don’t want to support that kind of behavior. But then I heard how he was starting fresh under his given name, becoming vulnerable about his past, and thought I could really learn something new here. Besides, I’d only be spiting myself if I didn’t come because, for better or worse, he’s an incredible speaker and teacher. He’s also made some big changes since you two broke up. I’m hoping they stick.”
This only confirms my fear of still being linked to Bodhi, and I’m curious about these changes when I shouldn’t be. “I’m impressed with your open-minded approach.”
Her gaze shifts to Xavier, then me. “And I’m impressed with your choice of a man after all you went through. You deserve someone as respectable as your handsome officer here.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Xavier
says.
As soon as the woman moves on, Xavier gives the back of my neck a squeeze and murmurs, “Did you hear that? She called me respectable and handsome.”
He never fails to make me laugh, even in the worst situation.
Xavier holds my hand until we hit the dock and I pull away. I’m glad the light is dim out here so he can’t read my expressions so easily. He always seems to know what I’m thinking.
I step onto the deck of my boat, where one soft porch light reveals several shipping boxes stacked beside my front door. Bodhi’s books.
Fucking fantastic.
I put my hands against my cheeks and blow out a breath. “The next ten days are going to suck so hard.”
“They don’t have to,” Xavier says.
I drop my hands. “You’re right, they don’t have to. Look, I know you were trying to do something good tonight, but in the future, I’d appreciate it if you’d consult me before jumping in and messing with my life.”
His mouth kicks up on one side. “I don’t recall having enough time for a consultation. Besides, you seemed to be…struggling.”
“Only because he blindsided me.”
“Which is exactly why I stepped in. I am trained in blindsiding—the giving and the getting.” He slides his fingers into a space on the top box and pries it open. “What’s in here?”
I sigh and cross my arms. “His books.”
Xavier pulls one out and frowns at the title. “Grounded Spirituality. Not exactly catchy. What are you supposed to be doing with them, again?” He shoots me an evil grin. “Bonfire?”
I laugh. “Bonfire has real merit, but no. I’m putting them in the welcome bags, which means, if I want to stay autonomous, I have to pull mine out.”
He drags his uniform shirt from his pants and starts unbuttoning it. The move strikes me as intensely intimate, and nerves prickle in my gut. “What are you doing?”
“Getting comfortable.” He tosses his shirt over the railing, then yanks at the Velcro on his body armor, lifts it over his head, and adds it to the railing, leaving him in a perfectly fitting white tee.