The Big Summer

by Jamie B Laurie

  The kettle howled shrilly, and Emma fumbled with the switch, cursing under her breath. Michael was leaning awkwardly against the wall, staring at his shoes. Blake was the only one looking straight at Daniel, as if challenging him. The other chairs were empty, filled with an invisible audience.

  “What, Daniel?” Hannah said softly. “Say it.”

  His face was a mess as he looked at her, a combination of so many emotions. “You think … you think that I’m … gay.”

  “We—”

  “Don’t you understand? I’m not. I mean, you have to believe me. Guys …” Daniel was smiling, as if it were all a huge joke. He started to laugh out of disbelief, the chuckles fading as his smile fell. “Please believe me. Please.”

  Hannah stood up and faced her brother. She took a deep, shuddering breath, and she wiped at her cheek. Then she pulled her brother into a tight hug.

  I saw Daniel’s face over her shoulder, and he was starting to cry too. His breathing was heavy, and he was muttering, “I’m not … I’m not … please … I’m not …”

  “Shh …” Hannah soothed, rubbing gentle circles into his back. Daniel’s hands gripped tightly to the back of her shirt. “It’s okay. It’s—hey, listen to me. It’s okay.”

  “I’m not … I’m not … I’m not …”

  I was surprised when Blake sighed and stood up, taking a few unsure steps toward the hugging siblings. He coughed. “Hannah, can … can I?”

  She sniffled and nodded, whispering something to Daniel and pulling away from the hug. Daniel’s eyes immediately fixated on the carpet at his feet, his shoulders shaking as he cried. Blake tried to find a good place for his hands: clasped together, by his sides, in his pockets …

  “Daniel, buddy, I want you to look at me,” he said in a raspy voice. Standing there with his shoulders hunched as if they carried the weight of the world, Daniel was the furthest thing from the charismatic and confident boy who’d stolen my heart. And I wanted nothing more than to hold him in my arms and lend him whatever strength I could. It took a moment, but Daniel slowly looked up at Blake, his eyes red-rimmed and his cheeks splotchy and wet. His expression broke my heart in two; he was facing his best friend in the world with a look of total desperation.

  Blake seemed to be considering his words carefully, but after a few seconds he said, “Screw it.” And he pulled Daniel into a hug so tight that you could see the lines of every muscle in Blake’s back through his shirt.

  “Blake …” Daniel breathed.

  “How many years have I known you, man? You’re my best friend. You know that, right? Nothing in the world could change that, okay? Nothing at all.” He pulled back from the hug, his hands on Daniel’s shoulders. “I’ve got your back, now and forever. Okay? We all do.”

  A soft light had returned to Daniel’s eyes, and he frowned slightly in thought as if searching for something to say.

  “He’s right, Daniel,” Michael said, his bright voice breaking the silence. “You’re awesome no matter what. Just please don’t beat me up when I tell you about how Hannah and I—”

  “Child, shut your mouth!” Hannah warned, laughing through the tears. Daniel cracked a small, watery smile.

  “And, babe, you know I love you,” Emma told him. “I’m just thinking of all those girls eating their way through six tubs of ice cream over you as we speak.”

  This time he actually half-burped out a laugh.

  “Although I don’t think Katie’s one of them,” Emma added with a wide grin. “Even if she was a pretty convincing beard.” Daniel actually chuckled and wiped at the tears running down his cheeks.

  Blake still hadn’t moved from where he stood in front of his best friend. Serious and heartfelt as before, he said, “The only thing I want is for you to be happy, Daniel. That’s all. I … I love you, man.”

  A fresh flood of tears burst from Daniel’s bloodshot eyes, and he initiated a crushing hug to rival their first.

  “Maybe next time you’ll listen to your sister,” Hannah said, when Daniel and Blake separated. “And maybe you’ll listen to me now when I say that I will always be there for you and that I only want the very best for you.”

  He nodded. “I … I know you do.”

  Well, now I had a dilemma. There was a lull in the heartfelt exchange. Everyone had said what they’d come to say … except for me. But I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. “As your prize for being out to your friends … you get a shiny new boyfriend!” I wasn’t so sure that was the best idea.

  Before I had the chance to say anything, Daniel said in a shaky voice, “I, uh … it’s a lot to process. I think I need some air.”

  “All right,” Hannah said, gently rubbing his arm.

  Daniel smiled at them all and took a few deep breaths as Blake stepped aside to let him pass. Daniel’s fingers trembled as he twisted the doorknob. Then he turned around and said a simple, “Thank you.” And just before he left, Daniel’s newly hopeful eyes met mine and he offered an unexpected smile.

  The door closed behind him, and he was gone.

  My friends let out a collectively held breath once they were sure he was out of earshot, smiling at each other in relief. Blake pulled at the neck of his shirt, wiping at his teary eyes as Emma stared at him in wonder.

  “Well, that went better than expected,” I said cheerily.

  They all looked at me, and Hannah rolled her eyes. “What the fuck are you doing just sitting there? Go after him!”

  So I did.

  . . .

  I bumped into Ollie as I rushed into the hallway, almost knocking his cup of coffee to the ground. Through the doughnut in his mouth, he mumbled, “Der furghh?”

  “Sorry,” I said urgently. “Do you, uh, know where Daniel might be?”

  “Well, it’s a big campus, so …” he said, obviously irritated. I mean, I guess I would be too if I’d been woken up by a bunch of strangers at the crack of dawn. But still.

  “He said he needed to go think about … things,” I told Ollie. “Do you know where he would go for that?”

  He yawned. “The plaza.”

  I looked at him blankly. “Um …”

  “It’s at the side of the main science building, the one that’s all glass,” he explained, rolling his eyes as if I was asking the world of him. “Big statue there. You can’t miss it.”

  “Thanks,” I said, hurrying off down the hall.

  “Hey,” he called after me, “how long are your friends gonna be in my room? Hey!”

  But I was already flying down the stairs, taking them two at a time. I could practically see myself tripping on my feet and snapping my neck. But that was unacceptable; I had to find Daniel. I willed my feet to remain coordinated, and they mercifully cooperated.

  Bursting out the front door of the boys’ dormitory, I whipped across the quad and headed toward the few glass buildings we’d seen earlier. I slowed my pace as I saw the glass windows twinkling in the early morning light ahead of me. Maybe it was best to give Daniel a few minutes.

  As I walked, I rubbed at my arms. A cool breeze had picked up, and I wished I had a sweater with me. I picked up the pace; Daniel had done enough thinking. It was too chilly to waste time.

  I came to the largest of the glass buildings and followed the path around the side. And there it was: the plaza. Or it must have been, because there was an enormous bronze sculpture of a man standing on a raised dais. When I was close enough to read the plaque, I saw that the man was Dr. Joseph Kingsdell. Apparently, he was the big-shot scientist who’d founded the school.

  At the back of the plaza, a wall had been erected to close it off between the buildings on either side. The wall was largely dominated by a mosaic mural of a beach. Yellow sand dunes rose and fell, meeting a turquoise ocean that faded into a baby blue sky. A fiery sun crowned the mural, swirling with reds and oranges.


  Daniel was sitting cross-legged in front of the mural, head tilted to the side. And before I knew it, I was standing next to him.

  “Sit,” he whispered.

  “Okay.” I sat by his side, hugging my knees to my chest, observing the crashing waves depicted on the wall.

  “I like to come here when I need to think,” he told me. “It reminds me of home.”

  “It’s beautiful,” I said. “The whole place is.”

  Daniel didn’t say anything. He just tilted his head the other way to see things differently. We sat in silence for a few minutes. I’d come to him; this discussion was going to be on his terms.

  “I didn’t want to be like this, you know,” he said eventually. “I … I didn’t want this. Ever.”

  “I know.”

  His fingers trailed over the concrete, as if it were sand. He pretended to pick some up and then let the invisible granules run through his fingers like silk. “And then you came along, and it screwed everything up. You ruined everything I’d built. Everything!”

  “I didn’t try to ruin anything for you.”

  “Of course you didn’t,” he answered calmly. “You know, the last time I liked a boy … I was seven years old. And you know what happened? I was mocked constantly. I came home with scrapes and bruises every day. Because of me, my whole family had to uproot their lives and move.”

  “I’m sorry, Daniel,” I told him. “And I wish I had all the answers for you. I really do. But I do know what it’s like to feel like the world is against you … I know how scary that is. That’s why we have to be stronger than all that bullshit. You can’t live a lie forever.”

  “I never felt anything for Katie,” he said, almost to himself. “I tried so hard, and sometimes I would think that I was nearly there. If I just stuck it out a little bit longer, if I kissed her a little harder … but that never happened. And it was so scary. Because with her, I felt like … I felt like I was, I don’t know—”

  “Normal?” I said harshly.

  He sighed. “You know what I mean. This is just all going so fast, and I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know if I can handle all this. I mean my parents, my school … what if what happened when I was a kid happens again? I’m not strong like you.”

  “Daniel, you have so much strength in you,” I told him. “More strength than you know.” My hand was resting on the concrete next to his and my pinky twitched, wanting so desperately to reach out to him.

  “You think very highly of me.”

  “I know you,” I said with a shrug. “And you will get through this, and you’re going to feel more relief than you know what to do with.”

  He was quiet for so long that I wondered if our conversation was over. Then he ran a hand through his hair, his signature move. “Why do you care so much, Will? After everything I put you through, why are you here?”

  “You know why,” I whispered.

  He looked at me pleadingly, as if I held all the answers in the world. “Tell me why.”

  I shook my head, scoffing at the fact that he even had to ask. I shot him an incredulous look, as my heart raced and my words came out louder than either of us expected. “Because I’m in love with you, you stupid idiot!”

  His face contorted for a moment, flickering between defensiveness and surprise … then it cracked open, and he smiled—the brightest smile I’d ever seen.

  And he was leaning in, and I was too, and our lips met perfectly in the middle, and we were kissing. His lips worked against mine, so soft and warm and … needy. But I was right there with him, the same way. The concrete was hard and rough as we fell back onto it, my hands tugging at his hair, and his firm on my hips.

  He tried to say something … maybe my name. But I silenced him. And this kiss was better than the first time. So much better. It was mutual, it was honest … it was everything that had never been said. Kissing him was a little piece of perfect that lasted until we understood each other. There were no more secrets. No apologies needed.

  Later, I could hear the peaceful beating of his heart as I lay with my head resting on his strong chest, finding comfort in his warmth. Our fingers were interlaced, hands locked together. And my face hurt from smiling so much.

  “You may have ruined absolutely everything, William O’Connor,” he told me, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “But I have to admit … you saved me. And … and I want you to keep saving me. Because … I love you.”

  “I know you do.” I laughed. “And don’t give me all the credit, I was just the extra little nudge you needed to save yourself.”

  Minutes trickled by and floated weightlessly into the sky, carried away by the wind and transported to the horizon. And I had to think about time. I’d always thought of time as a finite number of days on earth, an unstoppable force that only served to remind you how much sand had already drained from the hourglass. But in Daniel’s arms, all I saw was the time that stretched ahead of us. It was as limitless as the ocean. And I think that’s a better way to see life.

  “Should we move?” Daniel asked.

  Shrugging, I said, “I’m kinda good with where we are right now.”

  I could feel Daniel chuckling as he kissed me on the forehead. His lips smiled against my skin. “Me too.”

  1. Fall in love

  15. Get in trouble

  16. Do something stupid

  Epilogue

  Or, My Happy Ending

  One month later

  I was staring at the wall, deep in thought. Maybe if I squinted one eye … yeah, that made a huge difference. Why was this so hard? I just had to go with my gut and make a decision.

  “Knock, knock,” came a certain familiar voice from the doorway. “Where do you want this? Your aunt keeps handing me boxes.”

  “Hey, babe,” I said, pecking Daniel on the lips over the cardboard box he was holding. “Can you just put it with the others? I need your help for something much more important.”

  He added the box to the large pyramid of my belongings in the center of the room, grunting as he put it down.

  “Still debating on paint colors? What’s the consensus? Beige or beige?”

  “Very funny. I’ve done all the other walls,” I said, glancing between the two shades. “I just don’t know with this one. The way the light hits it and everything … maybe I should do something different. What do you think?”

  “What do I think?”

  “Yeah.”

  He took my hand and pulled me into a hug. “I think that you’re very cute when you’re choosing paint colors.”

  “Be serious.” I laughed, shoving him playfully.

  “All right,” he said, coming around behind me and telling me to close my eyes. He slipped one of my hands into his own and held them out, whispering softly into my ear. “Eeny … meeny … miny … moe … open.”

  “That one?” I asked.

  “That one.”

  “Care to help?”

  He smiled at me … that dimpled smile that reminded me every time I saw it that it was just for me. “I thought you’d never ask.”

  “Boys, the burgers are ready!” Aunt Nellie called from downstairs. “Get your butts down here … and wash up first!”

  “We’re coming!”

  I put the cover back on the paint can, hammering it firmly in place. The mess of stirring sticks and crusty brushes scattered on a pile of sticky newspaper bugged me a little, but it could wait. I wiped my hands off on a rag.

  “We’ll continue the interior decorating later then?” Daniel asked.

  I smiled at him. “It’s a date.”

  Aunt Nellie was perched on a wobbly-looking chair, stretching toward the ceiling. Daniel dashed forward to put a steadying hand on the seat, smiling up at my aunt. She was taping up a huge banner she’d made. It said in mismatched, funky lettering: Welcome home!


  “Now it’s really a housewarming party,” Aunt Nellie exclaimed, climbing down from the chair. She grinned at Daniel and ruffled his hair. He laughed in protest and tried to duck away, but my aunt dashed after him. Aunt Nellie and I had a long conversation after I got back from Daniel’s school, and in the weeks since she’d warmed right back up to Daniel’s new and improved personality.

  After coming out to his parents, who were both relieved to see their son finally make peace with the truth they’d known all along, Daniel had started seeing a therapist to work through all the pain he’d kept bottled up for so long. With every week that went by, I saw the progress firsthand. Daniel had a newfound bounce in his step, and a lightness about him that was contagious.

  “It really is a beautiful place, Nellie,” Rose Clark said, stirring something undoubtedly delicious in a pot on the stove. Rose and Aunt Nellie had bonded since Daniel and I got together. They’d also bonded over deciding on the short-lived consequences of our overnight road trip. Fortunately, the computer was the only thing I’d lost. Losing Daniel privileges would have been intolerable.

  I remembered when I’d first introduced my one-woman family to my new boyfriend’s parents. I’d said, “This is my mom, Aunt Nellie.” Not my most coherent turn of phrase, but it was entirely accurate.

  “It’s a nice place, Aunt Nellie. But I think my dad just likes the back patio,” Hannah laughed, helping her mom. “He’s been admiring the barbeque and mosquito candles for the past half-hour!”

  “Not just your father, honey,” Aunt Nellie told her. “Jake’s been out there this whole time too.”

  Hannah rolled her eyes. “Men.”

  “Ugh, so awful,” I said, making a disgusted face.

  “Every single one of them,” Daniel added with a wink.

  The glass door slid open, and Aunt Nellie’s lovely (sexy) boyfriend came inside with a huge platter of even lovelier (sexier) burgers. “Food’s ready!”