by S. E. Law
19
Renee
Standing in my cap and gown, waiting to walk out onto the football field, gives me a sense of relief. I’m actually done with high school! I finally get to close an annoying yet important chapter of my life.
Chastity runs over to me and hugs me. I hold onto her an extra-long time, knowing that in a couple of months, I won’t get to see her as much. She’ll be living in the dorms at Columbia University and will be making new friends. She says she’ll come back home every weekend even though her mom’s cancer is in remission, but I know she’ll get caught up in college life.
“We did it, Rey!”
“I’m not surprised you did it, but what a miracle it is for me!” I laugh.
“Oh, stop! You were a terrible student, but you’re too smart for anyone to hold you back,” Chastity assures me.
“Thanks.”
“Well, I have to go find my place in line. I’ll see you after the ceremony.”
After Chastity leaves, the coordinator announces we’ll be heading onto the football field now. The sun shines in my eyes as soon as I step outside and walk to my seat.
I imagine Kane in the stands watching me. I can feel his gorgeous eyes on me, and I hope he’s proud of me. I swallow, thinking about Kane. I feel flushed and my mouth is dry as I stand outside in the June warmth.
Swallowing again, a queasiness overwhelms me, causing me to sit down before it’s time for my class to do so. I know the sick feeling I have has nothing to do with the heat or my thirst; it has to do with the pregnancy test I took this morning.
I’m going to have a baby, and I have no idea what to do. Kane and I never used protection. Maybe that was stupid of us, but I can’t feel that way since I’ve loved every moment of my time with Kane. I especially don’t regret making a precious baby together. The truth is, I didn’t feel despair when I saw the pregnancy test results. I felt excitement and love… and like being a mother is the future I’ve been looking for.
My main concern is the two men in my life. What on earth will I tell Daddy? What will Kane want me to do? Will he be excited?
I need to talk to him as soon as possible. He always makes things better. Kane brings logic and reason to every irrational situation. He’s a take-charge kind of person, and he’ll be there for me like he always has been.
I know Kane cares about me, but I still don’t know if we would be fooling around if I hadn’t been blackmailing him all of these months. Has Kane even thought about a future with me?
I can tell he’s trying to push me away, and the last thing I want him to think is that I’m trying to trap him with a baby. Maybe I won’t tell him about the baby right away.
It’s time I tell Kane how I really feel about him. I need to tell him I want to be with him, whether my father approves or not.
“Renee Linwood.”
The principal calls my name, and I snap out of the daze I’d fallen into before marching up the steps to receive my diploma… or actually, the rolled up piece of paper they’re presenting me with for the ceremony.
“That’s my girl!” my father’s loud mouth shouts.
“Go Rey!” Kane cheers.
Laughing, I turn and hold up my fake diploma, spotting them in the stands cheering and clapping.
After the ceremony is over, I hang behind to pose for photos with the handful of friends I have before my father wants a photo with me. Kane snaps some photos of us before Dad pushes him toward me.
“Take a photo with your goddaughter,” he insists.
Kane wraps an arm around me, and I wrap both arms around him as Dad takes the photo.
“Congratulations,” Kane says, kissing my cheek.
When we get back to the house, a party is waiting for me. My father’s co-workers, our friends, and our family all came over. Searching for Kane, though, I can’t find him anywhere.
Suddenly, Dad asks everyone to step outside. He grabs my hand and leads the way to our driveway. At that moment, Kane pulls up driving a silver Nissan Rogue with a large red bow on it.
“What is this?” I ask, looking back at my father and then at Kane as he gets out of the car.
“Surprise!” they both yell.
“You got me a car?!” I squeal, hugging my father.
“We got you a car,” Kane corrects me.
I jump into his arms next.
“This is too much,” I protest.
“Hey, nothing is too much for you. We wanted to get you something special, and you’re going to need a car to go back and forth to college,” Dad smiles.
“Dad…” I sigh.
“Community college is better than nothing. Think about it over the summer. They accept late admissions.”
“We’ll talk about it later,” I tell him, knowing it’s going to be the same argument that we’ve been having all school year long.
I keep telling him I don’t want to go to college, but I also have no idea where I’ll work either. Especially not now with a baby on the way!
“You want to take her for a spin?” Kane asks, dangling the keys in front of my face.
Grinning, I grab the keys from him.
“I call shotgun!” Chastity squeals, running around to the passenger side.
Two of my cousins call dibs on the backseat. Getting in the driver’s seat, I look back at my father and Kane, who are standing there waving at me. A bundle of nerves sits in the pit of my stomach as I look at them standing side by side, knowing how important their friendship is to them both.
Fear of ruining their friendship crushes me. Not to mention the fear that Daddy will never forgive me for sneaking around with his best friend. I try to push these thoughts to the back of my mind as I pull out of the driveway.
I remind myself that my father loves me and that he will never abandon me like my mother did, no matter what I do. At least, I hope he won’t.
After my drive around the block, I schmooze with my guests, all the while keeping an eye on Kane for an opportunity to get him alone.
“What are your plans for next year?” my great-aunt Brenda asks.
I wish I knew, Aunt Brenda. But I don’t say that. Admitting my uncertainty to distant relatives is asking for unsolicited advice. To be honest, I’m sick of people trying to offer me solutions to a problem I don’t really want to solve.
“I’m still working that out,” I say, seeing Kane look over at me as he sips a glass of wine. “Excuse me for a minute.”
I quickly but non-suspiciously head in the direction of Kane, trying not to make eye contact with anyone else so that they don’t distract me from my mission.
“The lady of the hour,” he smirks. “Are you loving all of the attention?”
I laugh, “Not really. Can we talk privately?”
“Sure,” Kane nods and I lead the way to the theater room since it seems to be the only room on the first floor that’s vacant.
Kane shuts the door behind him as I look at the loveseat this all began on. He rubs my shoulders softly.
“I get the feeling something’s wrong,” he says, probably feeling the tension in my body.
I turn around and look at his concerned face.
“I don’t want to keep sneaking around anymore, Kane.”
He swallows and nods. “I know. We can’t keep doing this.”
I smile at him hopefully and wrap my arms around his neck.
“I want everyone to know about us.”
“What?!” Kane practically shouts as he backs away from me.
“I don’t want us to be a dirty little secret anymore. I want to tell my father and hold hands around town and be a real couple…”
“Jesus, Renee,” he groans, backing further away from me and rubbing his forehead. “We can’t tell anyone about this, especially not your father. Us deceiving him? That will break Colt’s heart. Do you want to do that?”
“Of course not, but he’ll understand… eventually.”
“Sweetie, think about what you’re saying. I’m old enough t
o be your father. Hell, I’m practically your uncle. Do you think that’s going to be okay in a small town?” Kane asks. “They’d look at you disgustedly, and I don’t want that for you.”
His tone has changed—it’s almost as if he is explaining something to a child.
“I don’t care what’s okay. I don’t care what anyone thinks about us!”
“Shh…” he quiets me. “You don’t even care what your father thinks?”
“Of course I do, but Daddy loves us both. He’ll come around.”
“You obviously don’t understand fathers and their little girls.”
“Oh, and you do?” I spit at him.
For a split second, I imagine Kane holding our baby girl. I don’t even know the sex of our baby, but either way, the vision of Kane with our child warms my heart.
“Look, Rey, I care about you, and that’s why we need to end this now. It’s already gotten out of hand. You need to live a normal teenage life. Go to college and date boys your own age,” Kane demands, his blue eyes hard and unwavering.
I shake my head at him vehemently.
“I don’t want to date anyone else, Kane. I want you!” I yell, shoving him in the chest. He catches my wrists and holds me in front of him.
“I’m sorry. This has to end. I want what’s best for you, and that’s definitely not me,” Kane says.
Tears are streaming down my face at this point, and in a moment of desperation, I remember his journal.
“If you do this, I will show everyone at my party your journal… and all of the naughty things you’ve been writing about your goddaughter.”
I can’t stop the vindictive tone I speak in or the stupidity of it all. This morning, I didn’t want to trap him with a baby, but now I’m trying to blackmail him again—this time to get him to stay with me?
Kane must think I’m one of those psycho Lolita types of girls you read about in books and see in movies. I’m not proud of my scare tactics, but I guess this is what a broken heart creates in a person… desperation and schemes.
To my chagrin, Kane doesn’t look the least bit stunned by my threat. Instead, he throws his head back in laughter.
“Rey, do you really think I ever felt threatened by your blackmail attempt? Nothing happens if I don’t want it to,” he drawls out in a scathing tone.
His eyes are piercing through mine, and the realization that I was never in control of the situation hits me. Kane was never scared I was going to tell my father. He knew I wouldn’t do that. He knew I was bluffing all of those months ago, and he knows I’m bluffing now.
Kane has been in control this entire time; he just let me think I had the upper hand. I should have known better. Kane would never let someone control him like I’d tried to do. I’m such a damn idiot!
I can’t even look at Kane right now. I’m too hurt that I don’t mean more to him… definitely not enough to risk embarrassment around town or my father’s wrath.
Along with the pain and embarrassment of rejection and the desperation to hold onto Kane, I’m terrified of what’s next for me. Do I have this baby alone? Do I give it up for adoption? I could never do that. Who will I say the father is?
I push past Kane, wipe my face, and head out of the theater room, marching in the opposite way of my party and heading upstairs.
Running to my room, I shut the door behind me and lock it. Searching through my bookshelf, I look for the brown moleskin journal. It’s gone! Kane must have taken it, knowing this was all going to come to a head today. Had he planned this? Was his plan to break my heart today of all days with a house full of guests just so I couldn’t manipulate him with sweet talk and sex?
Sinking down onto the bed, I feel weighed down by all of the emotions coursing through me. Devastation and shock are only second and third to the overwhelming feeling of my heart breaking at the realization that Kane doesn’t want me.
I was just his side piece, fulfilling his taboo fantasies behind closed doors where no one could see us. He never wanted me, just the idea of me.
Lying down, I stare up at the ceiling, waiting for it to fall down on top of me, but that never happens. Insistent knocking rings through my brain, breaking through the heavy blanket of emotions that covers me.
“Rey?” Chastity calls out. “Are you in there? Your dad wants to serve the cake.”
I can’t move or respond, and I don’t know how I’m going to face a house full of people. How the fuck am I supposed to look at Kane and pretend everything is fine?
The door opens, and Chastity stands in the doorway, looking angelic with her golden hair and white dress. All that’s missing are her wings. She holds up the bobby pin that she’d picked my lock with. Beautiful and handy. Why couldn’t I be more like my best friend? She’s pure and level-headed. She would never find herself destroyed by love.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, sitting down on the edge of my bed.
“It’s over,” I say cryptically.
“Hard to believe, I know. But you hated high school. I figured you’d be happy as pie.”
“I’m not talking about school,” I sigh, sitting up. “Kane and me. We’re done.”
“Oh, Renee,” she turns toward me and pats my leg. “Are you really surprised?”
I scowl at her. “I guess I’m the idiot for thinking we could be more.”
“You’re not an idiot, Renee. I just figured you knew it wouldn’t work out. I mean, your dad would have a cow.”
“You seem to concern yourself a lot with my dad,” I mutter.
“What?” she asks, confused. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“If you had the opportunity to be with my dad the way I was with Kane, would you take it?”
“Renee!”
“Would you?”
“You’ve gone crazy,” she huffs.
“I know you have a crush on him.”
“He’s an amazing guy, Rey, and he’s cute… so yeah, I have a little crush. Would I sleep with him? No way… my parents would flip out, and you…” she rambles before tightening her jaw. “It’s inappropriate, Renee.”
“Thanks, Chastity,” I sigh, standing up and walking to the door.
“I’m sorry, Rey. I just think it’s better this way.”
I don’t respond as I walk out of the room and head downstairs. I put on a phony smile and pretend to pay attention to what people are saying to me, but I couldn’t care less. Daddy comes over to me, and I hug him, needing the comfort of his arms.
“Thank you for all of this and for the car… and for being the best father and mother I could have ever wanted,” I say, overly emotional.
Dad scratches the back of my head as I cry into his shoulder. He begins to cry too, for different reasons than mine obviously.
“Oh, Kane said something came up at one of the construction sites. He’s really sorry, but he had to take care of it right away,” Dad explains.
I nod my head silently, and Chastity makes her way over.
“Want to help me with the cake, Chastity?” Daddy asks her, touching her shoulder.
She looks at his hand and then at his face.
“Uh, sure.”
They head into the kitchen together. I know Chastity would jump on the opportunity to be with my dad if it ever came up, no matter what she says. Or maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better about Kane. What the hell am I going to do about this baby?
20
Kane
I feel like the scum of the earth for leaving Renee’s party the way I did. But what choice did she leave me with? I’d stolen back the journal days ago, knowing I needed to end things sooner rather than later. My plan was never to have our affair go on for so long, but once it had started, I couldn’t stop it. Every day got a little more difficult, and every day, I’d pretended we could continue on without any consequences.
The truth is, I crave Renee. Worse–I need her. There is no way I’m going to let my feelings for her get in the way of her life, though. She should be focusing
on her future. What kind of a future could she have with me? I’m more than twice her age.
Colt would never be able to get over our affair, and I won’t allow her to outcast herself from her father and the town she grew up in for me.
Over the next couple of weeks, when I get home from work, I lie on the couch drinking beer, trying to numb the pain. I can’t sleep, and I’m lucky if I’m able to stuff down a meal. My mind keeps replaying the past eight months. Hell, I’ve been thinking about the last almost nineteen years with Renee! Her birthday is in a couple of months, and I haven’t missed a single one yet.
Every smile, every laugh, and every bat of Renee’s big beautiful eyes are on constant rerun in my mind. But the memory that really tears me up inside is the one from her graduation party. The look on Renee’s face when I’d told her it’s over, right there in the room where it all started, breaks my heart.
It’s Friday night, and I’m on the couch trying to take a nap. I’m so fucking exhausted, but I can’t turn my mind off or change its channel from Renee to something else… anything else!
The phone rings, and I see Colt’s name on the caller I.D. I’d already sent several of his calls to voicemail over the past couple of weeks.
“Hey, man,” I say, trying to sound casual.
“Finally, I caught you. Been busy at work, huh?”
“Yeah, it’s been crazy. I’m exhausted,” I say, my groggy voice making that evident.
“You sound it. Sorry, buddy. I’m calling because I’m taking Renee and Chastity into the city to see a Broadway show tomorrow. You want to come?”
“Oh, thanks, man, but I have a ton of shit to do tomorrow,” I lie.
“No problem. Oh, just so you know, Renee’s acceptance letter to Marymount College came in the mail today. I think she’s excited.”
I let out a sigh, doubting she is.
“That’s great news. I guess she’s going to school in the fall after all then.”