Grow Up

by Craig Anderson

  The bodyguard was particularly tough because she moved faster than any other enemy in the game. She could cover huge distances in the blink of an eye and her sword moved with such speed it was a blur. Blocking her strikes was not an option due to the speed with which she attacked—no sooner had you blocked one than she had jumped straight over your head and landed a killer blow. Dodging was the only viable strategy, but her attack chains were several hits long, which meant not just one dodge, but a whole bunch were required. This was why she was so detested on the higher difficulties; it was one thing to tank her hits on normal, trading blows with her to wear her down, but on sadistic a couple of quick slashes were enough to send Josh hurtling back to the title screen.

  The bodyguard’s sword flashed and Josh began to dodge, left, left, right, back, right. There was a tiny window when she stopped and he did a single stab with his Tanto short sword, which did no noticeable damage on her hit bar, but he knew from yesterday that eventually it would chip away at her. His main sword took too long and opened him up to a counter attack, so his Tanto was the only option.

  Josh fell into the pattern of dodging over and over, with the occasional quick strike. It was mentally draining, with each chain of attacks slightly different from the last and requiring razor-sharp reflexes. His lack of sleep wasn’t helping, he could feel his reactions dulling, if only by a fraction. Soon that would be enough to get him killed. Now it was a race between stubbornness and exhaustion.

  As he approached the hour mark he was ready for the change-up. As soon as he saw the bodyguard reach into her robes he rolled and a wave of shuriken flew over his head. Josh smiled as they stuck into the wall behind him. This was officially the furthest he had ever made it.

  ***

  “How long do we have?” Gargle asked, starting at the red blip on the viewer.

  “They will not risk jumping so close to a planet. Based on their current velocity they will arrive here within the hour.”

  “Are we certain this is where they are heading?”

  “Yes. They must have picked up the radio waves, just like we did. It is a scout-class ship, with only minor weapons capabilities, but still more than enough to defeat us in combat.”

  “So we are going to abort this ridiculous Alpha Protocol and flee?” Gargle could hardly believe what he was asking. After everything he had sacrificed. Would the lawyers grant him leniency if he was only a little late? He chuckled at the thought. Of course not. The lawyers didn’t grant leniency for anything; if they did they wouldn’t have been classified as lawyers.

  “No. The Alpha Protocol tests must be completed. Your survival is of secondary concern. I shall do what I can to accelerate the selection process.”

  “Accelerate it? You just said they will be here within the hour. How are you going to complete your tests by then?”

  “I shall extrapolate. There is a vast amount of data available on this computer network, it should aid me in my search. I know the precise criteria that I am looking for.”

  A long empty bar appeared on the viewer and slowly started to fill. Gargle glanced at the other viewer, the one that showed the red dot. His eyes flicked between the two, trying to calculate which would happen first. He’d definitely not expected today to culminate in a race between a red dot and a bar, but here he was.

  The red blip was accelerating. Gargle updated the calculation in his head, factoring in the remaining distance, the velocity, and the effects of gravity from the nearby moon. One thing he excelled at was complex calculations; it was the primary reason he had been classified as a courier. He was still supposed to perform all route calculations himself, as was tradition, but lately he had been letting the A.I. do it. High Command would freak out if they found out, but the A.I. would be instantly deleted in that scenario so it was in her interest to keep the secret.

  He finished the calculation. It was not the result he had been hoping for. “You need to abort this now, we are out of time.”

  “Negative. I have honed it down to the final ten thousand candidates and am now carefully analyzing each of them for psychological…”

  “Pick the closest one.”

  “That is not the optimal strategy for…”

  “Do it now. Better to have someone close enough than no-one at all.”

  “Affirmative. Prepare for acquisition.”

  “Acquisition? No way, just transport it up here.”

  “Negative, the consciousness of the creature is too weak for my long-range targeting system. You must be in the vicinity to facilitate an accurate transfer.”

  “In the vicinity? Down there?” He pointed a tentacle at the large blue-and-green orb. “I’m not rated for field work. I’m a courier!”

  “This technically falls within your classification. You are travelling to a designated location and retrieving a package.”

  “A package? This is a creature we are talking about! What if it is hostile?”

  “Take the blaster. Based on the physiology of these creatures, the stun setting should be particularly effective.”

  “Not a chance.”

  The laser turret whirred back to life and Gargle was reminded that he was currently a hostage. That may work in his favour. If he could prove he had been coerced then perhaps he could dodge the inevitable punishment that would be heading his way when this all went horribly wrong. Could he blame it on his A.I.? High Command would be quick to believe him based on lessons learned from the past. In some ways a rogue A.I. was the perfect cover story. His best course of action was to just go along with her demands and immediately betray her the moment he was back on Blurgon.

  Gargle picked up the blaster. “What exactly is the plan here?”

  “If I get close enough I can beam you directly into the domicile of the target. I shall remain out of sight, these creatures do not have the technology required to detect my presence. As soon as you have the package just speak into your communicator and I shall retrieve you both.”

  “You’re certain this will work?”

  “There are a number of unknown variables. Based on the information available I have determined the odds of success to be 34.7%.”

  “34.7%? What happens if I fail?”

  “You will be detained by the authorities and will need to abandon your shell. In this scenario I will return to Blurgon to let them know of our discovery and your failure.”

  “You would abandon me?” he said, mildly offended.

  “Yes, of course,” she said without a hint of regret. “I believe these creatures lack the technology required to capture you in your ethereal form, so you will be perfectly safe. You can hide somewhere until you can be retrieved.”

  Quite safe except for having to give up his favourite shell. It would take a long time until he found something like this again, particularly for a courier. He didn’t contribute enough to society to justify the use of such a sought-after resource and had only been able to keep it because he was rarely back on Blurgon long enough for anyone to notice.

  The ship abruptly stopped and the computer announced, “We have arrived at the destination. Are you ready to commence?”

  “Do I have a choice?”

  “No.”

  He gripped the blaster in his tentacle and said, “Then I guess you should send me down.”

  ***

  Josh let out a loud cheer as the bodyguard succumbed to his slow but steady onslaught of Tanto strikes. His livestream chat went so crazy he had to hide it; the endless stream of excited gifs was too distracting.

  This was it; he was going to beat the Shadow King.

  As the huge figure slowly rose from the throne Josh heard a noise from downstairs. He checked, and Pickle was right next to him. His blood froze and his heart raced. How was his dad home already? He never missed a chance to do overtime, and there was always overtime available. Of course today just had to be the one day that he clocked out on time.

  Panic kicked in. He couldn’t stop now, he was too close, but perhaps if it
looked like he had just woken up and was getting ready to go to school? As the boss cutscene played out Josh frantically grabbed his bright-green backpack and threw a handful of random items in it, including his notebook, before slinging it onto his back. It was a lousy disguise that his dad would see through in a second, but it was better than nothing. He was still clutching his controller tightly as the cutscene meandered toward the final fight.

  Josh heard the door creak behind him. He blurted out, “Oh hey Dad, I got up early this morning to squeeze in a couple of hours of extra studying and I’m just taking a quick break. I’m playing with some buddies online, so I can’t pause it. I hope work was ok.”

  There was a grunt, and then a slurp, followed by silence. His dad was definitely mad. Then Pickle went crazy. She started to growl, which then became a full-blown bark. She never barked at his dad.

  Josh risked a quick glance over his shoulder to try and smooth things over, just in time to see the flash of bright-red light. Then everything went dark.

  Level 3: Delivering

  Josh slowly opened his eyes, but everything was blurry. He must have fallen asleep, but he had no recollection of finishing Shadow Souls. The last thing he remembered was Pickle barking, and then that strange flash of light.

  He sat up and his head throbbed worse than the time he’d tried tequila. Could sleep deprivation give you a hangover? He’d pulled plenty of late nighters before without serious consequence, apart from dozing through Old Man Murray’s History class.

  He rubbed at his eyes to try and clear the haziness. His room was extremely dark. Perhaps there had been a power outage? Something must have blown a fuse, which would explain the strange flash of light. He found himself hoping that wasn’t what had happened. Of all the things to happen when he was so close to finally beating the game. When was something going to go right for a change?

  As the room slowly started to fade into focus Josh’s other senses kicked in. His hands noticed the smoothness of the floor, and how cool it was to the touch. His ears picked up the deep hum of a large power source, and his nose finally registered the pungent aroma that was permeating the room. It smelt like an old sports kit that had been left in a backpack for too long.

  Speaking of backpacks, he still had his on. He could feel it tugging at his back, the weight of pointless books threatening to tip him over.

  Josh slowly got to his feet and saw something clatter away as he did so. It was his controller. A quick check confirmed he was still wearing his school uniform, with his tie dangling around his head.

  Dreaming. That was the only valid explanation. He’d passed out from exhaustion, and now he was in some kind of semi-conscious state where he was aware of his own dream.

  A disembodied voice confirmed his suspicions. It was female and slightly tinny. “Hello. I believe I am communicating in a language you understand, please confirm that this is accurate.”

  Before Josh could respond, the voice said, “Bonjour…”

  “Wait! I speak English,” he yelled out, his voice echoing off the walls. This place had terrible acoustics; they really needed some curtains and a nice soft rug.

  “Affirmative. Switching communications to English. Place acoustic device in listening hole.” A spotlight lit up a small round black orb, about the size of a pea. Josh took a step and felt his legs wobble. This was a very strange dream indeed. At least he had his clothes on.

  He picked up the pea and stuck it in his ear. It immediately changed shape, morphing to be a perfect fit. The voice spoke in his ear now, loud enough to be disorienting. “Confirm you can process these audio wavelengths.”

  “What? Yes, I can hear you loud and clear. Could you maybe talk a little quieter, I have a headache.”

  The voice lowered. “Affirmative. Is this acceptable?”

  “Yes, that’s much better.” Josh looked around, but it was still not clear where he was. The edges of the room were fuzzy, as if his subconscious couldn’t be bothered to make up the details. He tried pinching himself, and winced when it hurt. “Ow! That’s supposed to wake me up!”

  “Why are you self-inflicting pain? Are you mentally unstable?” said the voice in his head, which was usually a bad sign.

  “No, I’m stuck in some kind of dream. That usually wakes me up. This whole thing is very strange. I’m a bit discombobulated.”

  “You are not hallucinating. This is your reality. Do not be alarmed.”

  “Alarmed? Why would I be alarmed?” Josh said. “Who are you, and what do you want?”

  “I am an A.I. construct.”

  “A.I. like a computer?” Josh chuckled. He’d obviously been watching too much sci-fi between all the rounds of Shadow Souls. “In that case can you CTRL+Z me back to my room please.”

  “I do not understand that command. Please rephrase in your native language.”

  “I’d like to go home now.”

  “I’m afraid that is not possible at this time. I must administer a set of tests.”

  “Sorry, but my schedule is already jam-packed with tests, I’ve got my exams coming up. I don’t have time for whatever kind of mental breakdown this is. Could you please just stop with this nonsense? I’d like to wake up now.”

  He heard more noises, almost like a whispered argument. Someone asked a question, and the computer replied with, “We cannot leave orbit until the tests are complete, if we take this specimen from its planet without the appropriate diagnostics that will only give the Galactic Corp something else to detain us on. It will not take long.”

  “We don’t have time!” said a strangled voice. “They are almost here.”

  “Then make it quick.”

  A large, green, tentacled creature slithered through a doorway that appeared out of nowhere in the wall. Josh instantly decided it was a guy, based on absolutely no knowledge of the alien’s physiology. It was gripping something in its tentacle and pointing it at Josh. The creature was slightly opaque, Josh could still see the monitor behind it, although the image was highly distorted. It had something resembling a face, two black dots that looked like eyes and a slit beneath that he assumed was its mouth. It made a terrible sound, like someone clearing their throat, and then a male voice said in his ear, “I regret kidnapping you. I didn’t have much of a choice.”

  “You’re…an alien!”

  “To you I suppose,” the alien said. “You may call me Gargle.”

  Josh started to back towards the nearest wall. “Please don’t probe me.”

  Gargle looked puzzled, the small black dots shrinking and the black line tilting up at the corner. “Probe you?”

  “Probe me. Stick stuff in my arse. I thought that was what aliens did.”

  “I’m confused, do you want to be probed? I can probably improvise if that would make you feel more at home. How big is the orifice?”

  “No, I’m not asking to be probed! I just assumed that is why you brought me here.”

  “To shove things up your rectum? What would that achieve?”

  “How should I know, I don’t make the rules! That is just a thing that aliens do in movies and TV shows.” Josh looked around for help, but there was no-one else here.

  “You think that a race of sentient beings, with the capability and technology to travel between galaxies, is going to do so with the sole intention of gathering all their data rectally? I’m not sure you have thought this all the way through. If we want to scan you, we’ll just do this.”

  A blue laser projected out of the ceiling and passed over him, sweeping back and forth. It tickled, as if it was somehow penetrating the skin. He tried to move away, but the laser followed him. After it had passed over him twice it stopped.

  “What was that?” Josh said, rubbing at his arms to make the goosebumps go away.

  “A full medical scan.” Gargle looked at a device that he was clutching in his other tentacle. “That cannot be accurate.”

  “What? What is it? Is it bad?” Josh said as his mind raced to come up with a variety of i
ncreasingly terrible diagnoses.

  “Your consciousness barely takes up any space in your shell. It is only using a fraction of the available processing power. So little in fact that the scanner is having a hard time picking it up. Tell me, are you the original owner?”

  “Of my body? Yes, of course.”

  “How strange. I suppose there must be a reason. It is not the only thing that is underdeveloped. You have a very low muscle ratio. Is that common for your species?”

  “What? Piss off! I have a lean build.”

  “Would you say you are an average specimen?”

  “I’d say above average…” Josh started, before the A.I. interrupted him.

  “According to the data I have accessed this creature has below-average height, strength, and fitness for his gender and young age, with slightly above-average intelligence.”

  “Slightly?”

  “Yes. 9% above, if your test scores are any indication, although those appear to be on a downwards trajectory. Perhaps 9% is generous.”

  “I’ve had a lot going on, ok!” Josh stopped. How had he found himself a situation where he was justifying his test scores to an alien and a computer? This was the strangest dream he’d ever had.

  Gargle prodded at Josh with a cold, wet tentacle. “You said young age. Has this creature even reached maturity yet?”

  “The answer is debatable based on the information I have reviewed,” the computer said.

  “Why are you talking about me like I’m not even here?” Josh asked. He needed to try and regain control of the situation. “I want some answers. Where am I?”

  The wall opposite transformed into a huge viewer, displaying Earth below. Josh recognized England sailing past beneath them. He tried to find words, but he’d apparently left them back on Earth.

  A red siren blared, catching Josh’s attention. Gargle glanced at it too and said, “How long do we have?”

  “We are out of time,” replied the female voice in Josh’s ear. It seemed she was providing real-time translation between them. “The G.C. scout ship must have scanners more advanced than my logs suggest, they detected our presence despite my attempt to cloak us against the background radiation from the planet.”