Grow Up

by Craig Anderson

  Gargle found himself staring at a white screen that had one single phrase on it. What would you like to know?

  Slowly, letter by letter, he typed in Everything.

  ***

  Josh sat behind the solid grey desk, doing his best to stay calm. The Brainling slowly sat in the seat opposite him and removed its helmet to reveal a purple head. There was no obvious face, just two holes. One of them started clicking. “You are accused of the crime of smuggling illegal mech parts to aid with the Blurgon legal defence. How do you plead?”

  “Not guilty. I didn’t know what was in those crates!”

  “Is it not your ship?”

  Josh almost admitted that it wasn’t before he remembered his quest about not revealing Earth. If he told the truth it would lead to uncomfortable questions, like whose ship is it, and where are they?

  “Of course it is mine. There must have been a mix-up. I must have gotten someone else’s crates.”

  “A mix-up? That just happened to bring spare parts for Blurgon legal mechs directly to Blurgon? That sounds convenient.”

  “I’d say it is decidedly inconvenient,” Josh said, glancing nervously around the room.

  “I suppose you have an explanation for what this is too?” His game controller floated up out of a drawer, hovering just out of reach. It had been sealed in a plastic bag. Apparently it was now evidence.

  “That is just to play games. I get bored on the long space flights.”

  “Games? You are a courier, you are not authorized to play games. No company would ever approve such a glorified waste of productivity. I suggest you tell me the truth.”

  “I’ve told you everything I know!”

  “Which isn’t very much. I suppose it isn’t your fault, the scanners indicate you are barely sentient. That doesn’t, however, excuse you from your crimes.” His game controller floated up onto a conveyor belt running just below the ceiling, like luggage at the airport. It slowly disappeared from view. Then the Brainling leaned in closer. “If you refuse to cooperate I have no choice but to recommend the maximum sentence of 303.3 years.”

  Josh jumped out of his seat. “303 years? You can’t do that, I won’t live anywhere near that long!” He felt a strong weight on his shoulders and was pressed back down into the chair.

  “Good, that will save on expenses. I am out of patience for this particular conversation. Do you have a personal lawyer that you wish to defend you?”

  “A lawyer? No, not out here.” Josh no longer believed this was a dream. It was either a nightmare, or far worse, his new reality.

  “Then you shall be assigned a public defender. Proceed to the end of the hallway for your trial.”

  “Right now?”

  “Yes. Your trial starts in approximately 3 minutes. Be warned that any attempts to escape will necessitate the forcible removal of one or more limbs, to prevent future escape attempts.”

  Josh got up and sprinted down the hallway. He had to explain this to his lawyer. If they were anywhere near as badass as the computer kept making out, then perhaps all wasn’t lost after all.

  He burst into the room to find an empty chair facing a bedraggled creature, in something akin to a 3-piece suit. It was vaguely humanoid in shape but had the features and temperament of a sloth. It was impossible to know what gender it was, if this species even had genders. Its long arms dangled by its side, as if lifting them was just too much effort.

  The lawyer moved at a glacial pace, waving at Josh to sit down. As soon as he did it started to growl. The translator stuttered the words out slowly. “You must be my third client. We don’t have long, let me explain how this works. Public Defenders are stretched a little thin around here, so I’m going to be forced to defend your case simultaneously with a parking ticket violation and a charge of public indecency. Trials last 10 minutes 17 seconds and are presided over by a judge A.I., that decides if everything is aboveboard. Is this your first trial?”

  Josh nodded his head.

  The sloth continued, “Ignore the purple and orange orbs, those are for the other clients. The blue orb is your sentence, the more it gets hit, the longer you go to jail. There is a display above so you can spectate. If I manage to damage the opposing mech for your case then your sentence is reduced, but that almost never happens. I tend to favour defence, on a good day I can reduce your sentence by up to a third.”

  “A third? That’s still more than 200 years!”

  “I know right, that’s easy time. Anything I should know about your case?”

  “Yeah, I’m innocent!”

  “Of which part, smuggling or possession of an exotic firearm?”

  “Firearm? What firearm?” asked Josh.

  The lawyer gestured to the controller, which was now on its desk.

  “That’s not a firearm!”

  “Then why does it have so many triggers?” The sloth picked up the bag and peered inside. It sniffed at the controller and then threw it back on the desk. “It’s not like any weapon I’ve ever seen.”

  “Because it isn’t a weapon!”

  “If you can prove that we may be able to knock a few years off your sentence.”

  A loud buzzer sounded and the mega sloth said, “Never mind, it’s show time.”

  The room they were in started to descend, the walls sliding upwards. Eventually the front wall disappeared, blowing out into a huge hangar. A beat-up mech that Josh recognized as a Ticket Buster towered above them. It was blue and white, although whether that was intentional or the result of a myriad of replacement parts was not clear. There were wires hanging out of every joint and the shoulder-mounted rocket silos were almost empty.

  A large panel slid up out of the lawyers desk, revealing the Mech Controller. Then the lawyer did the slowest knuckle crack that Josh had ever seen.

  The opposing mechs rose out of the ground of the hangar on the opposite side. They looked brand new and were armed to the teeth. The one in the centre was considerably larger than the other two and was wielding a fearsome-looking wrecking ball on a chain. It was directly attached to its left arm, with a huge spool of chain where a hand should be, presumably to allow it to alter the length of its attacks.

  A small drone hovered over the arena and projected a blue light onto each mech in turn. Josh said, “What is it doing?”

  “Confirming that all mechs are suitable to fight and do not contain any illicit parts or passengers. It can take a couple of minutes.”

  All 3 G.C. mechs were cleared by the drone, but it did another pass of the sloths mech. Eventually the light turned green, and the sloth breathed a sigh of relief. “Phew, the the most nerve-wracking part of every trial is waiting to see if I pass inspection.”

  “That is the part you’re worried about?” Josh said, with growing frustration.

  “Sure is. I don’t get paid if I don’t fight.”

  Josh watched as the enemy mech lumbered into their starting positions. He was afraid he already knew the answer, but he asked anyway. “Which one is for my case?”

  The sloth slowly pointed at the wrecking ball mech. “That’s a level 3 Litigator. The other two are Ticket Busters, just like mine. They should be a little easier to handle. Your best hope is if they have a rookie piloting your mech. That happens sometimes.”

  “That’s your plan? Hope that the opposition is worse than you?”

  The sloth glanced over at the opposing bench. Then he slowly turned back to Josh. “I have bad news. Jax is piloting the Litigator. He’s the G.C’s best lawyer in the region, he pops down here every now and again to put on a show for the others, teach them a few things. He has a reputation for focusing solely on attack. He only cares about maximizing sentences. That’s bad luck!”

  “Bad luck? You’re my lawyer!”

  “Oh right. Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”

  Josh had a sinking feeling that nothing could be further from the truth.

  Level 7: Below the Belt

  Gargle was getting the hang of this
now. He’d stumbled upon a large cache of videos, which supposedly contained in-depth knowledge of the human experience. They were much easier to consume than the walls of foreign text, or at least they were when the swelling in his eye went down a little. He tried watching the first few that popped up, and was more confused than ever.

  With some careful searching he narrowed down the videos to primarily humans, to cut out all the cat videos, but these did little to shed any light on proper human behaviour. If these videos were any indication he was supposed to lather things on his face to disguise his true appearance, be exceptionally cruel to strangers before yelling prank, and then talk at length about taking inferior technology out of its packaging.

  It didn’t serve an obvious purpose. In the seventeen videos he’d watched he had barely learned anything, yet he felt compelled to keep watching them. Where was the oversight? Where was the carefully researched educational content? Were younglings truly permitted to just run rampant about this place with no supervision? Perhaps this was the downside to allowing so much freedom.

  The worst part was, he’d forgotten why he came in here. Something about exam preparation. He’d have to get to that later. He was also still no closer to determining Josh’s class designation. He did however know the top 10 songs from the 80’s, so that was something.

  There was a loud ringing sound that made him jump. He had no idea what it meant, but it sounded urgent. The grumpy lady appeared behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. “Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to make sure you heard the bell.”

  “I did. My hearing is functional.”

  She stared at him and he said, “Is there something else?”

  “Shouldn’t you be going to class?”

  “I would, but I have yet to determine which class I am assigned.”

  “Honestly, I’d have thought you’d have figured this out by your final year. Come with me.”

  The librarian moved back over to her desk and Gargle followed. She said, “What is your name?”

  There was the briefest moment where he almost said Gargle, and then he caught himself. “Josh.”

  “Josh what?”

  He wasn’t clear on what she was asking, so he stayed quiet. After a drawn-out pause she said, “Josh Harper?”

  “Yes?” Gargle guessed.

  “Says here you’re in Mr. Tucker’s Maths class.”

  Gargle perked up a little. If Josh had a maths-based class then perhaps this assignment wouldn’t be so bad.

  A machine whirred to life and spat out a white sheet. The librarian slid it across the desk. “Here’s your timetable, in case you find yourself lost again today.”

  Gargle reviewed it carefully, committing it to memory. If there was a theme he was failing to see it. There were classes in maths, science, history, economics, physical education, art, even law.

  “I see law in my class list? Does that mean I am classified as a lawyer?”

  “If you want to be a lawyer you’re going to need to ace your exams,” she replied, without looking up. “Now you’d better hurry up or you will be late for your Math class.”

  “Can you tell me where it is?” he said.

  The librarian sighed. This young man struck her as the particularly needy type that would stand here bugging her all day. The only way to deal with someone like that was to make them someone else’s problem. “It’s just down the hallway. I’d be happy to show you. Follow me.”

  ***

  Josh struggled to contain his growing frustration. His lawyer was moving at a glacial pace, flicking switches and pressing buttons. His mech responded appropriately, slowly wobbling across the arena in an attempt to prevent the enemy mechs from attacking the three different-coloured orbs. Thick black smoke was already pouring out of several of the joints, and the mech hadn’t even been hit yet.

  The G.C. mechs weren’t exactly lightning-quick, but they certainly moved with more urgency than the defending Ticket Buster. The Litigator lumbered across the arena, the wrecking ball dragging along behind it, leaving a long trail of scratches on the floor. Its movement speed was about half that of the Ticket Busters’. It headed straight for the blue orb, and his lawyer did absolutely nothing to stop it. As soon as it was within range it lifted the wrecking ball above its head and started to spin, slowly at first, and then faster and faster, before it came crashing down on top of the blue orb. There was a loud sound like breaking glass, and a display hovering above the orb blinked to life. Josh didn’t understand the symbols being used; he just knew that his symbol was much longer than the other two.

  The opposing Ticket Busters were focusing on the purple and orange orbs respectively. They attacked much quicker than the Litigator, but their attacks did not appear to do the same amount of damage. Each strike made a far lighter plink sound.

  His lawyer finally reached the orange orb, awkwardly pulling a glowing blue energy sword from the Ticket Buster’s back. He tried to parry a swipe of the enemy’s own energy sword, and was several seconds too late. The enemy didn’t attack the blue-and-white mech, it just ducked around it and kept hitting the orb.

  “Attack the mech!” Josh yelled, but his lawyer didn’t comply.

  Josh winced as the Litigator landed another huge blow and the display length jumped again. He tapped the sloth on the shoulder. “What is my current sentence?”

  “I’m trying to fight here. It’s on the display.”

  “I can’t read that. Say it out loud.”

  The lawyer turned to look at him, slowly craning his head. “You’re doing fine, it’s only 87 years.”

  “87 years is not fine! That’s pretty much the rest of my life!”

  “Oh, well in that case there’s no point in defending your orb.” This was followed by the world’s slowest shrug.

  “That’s not what you are supposed to take from that!”

  Josh tapped at his earpiece. “If you can hear me in there, this isn’t going well! This wasn’t part of our arrangement. I need you to do something.”

  There was a brief crackle, and then silence. Josh could feel the panic rising. This morning his biggest fear had been telling his dad about his report card, and now he was facing a life sentence for a crime he didn’t commit. Where had everything gone so wrong?

  This wasn’t fair. He was tired of the world kicking him when he was down. He’d put up with enough crap. It was time to fight back.

  The only problem was, he wasn’t the one fighting. He strongly considered shoving his lawyer out of the way and doing this himself, but he couldn’t even make the mech run in a straight line yet. What he needed was his game controller, which was currently perched on his lawyer’s desk. He knew exactly what he had to do.

  Josh snatched the controller and ripped it out of the bag before the lawyer could stop him. He had time to read a medium-sized novel before the lawyer could stop him. In a fit of desperation he held down the sync button. He had no idea if this would work, or if his game controller could even work with a different M.C. He hopped from foot to foot as the light flashed blue, looking for something to connect to. He almost gave up when he felt the controller vibrate, and the blinking light became solid. It had connected—the question was, to what?

  He pushed up on the joystick and his lawyer’s mech lurched forward. The sloth stopped trying to get the controller back and turned its attention back to its mech.

  The keybindings were still in place, which meant Josh could do the basics. The question was, could he take advantage of that? He had no idea how long he could maintain control of the mech before his lawyer kicked up a fuss, which meant he would have to make them count.

  He pushed up on the right stick to engage the forward boosters and he sped across the arena, the energy sword drawn and ready to strike. He crashed into the Litigator, knocking it mid-swing, causing the wrecking ball to miss the blue orb. It crashed into the floor of the arena instead, leaving a large crater.

  The sloth went into full-on panic mode, flicking every switch it
could reach, but nothing responded. Josh had full control, for now at least. He slashed at the Litigator with quick sword jabs, carving grooves into its armour. It was surprisingly effective, primarily because the Litigator had no real means of defence. It stopped attacking his blue orb and instead switched its attention to the mech that was suddenly poking holes in it. With the creak of metal joints it hefted the wrecking ball and started to spin it, faster and faster, as it moved toward Josh’s hijacked Ticket Buster. Without warning the chain extended and the wrecking ball sailed directly for the mech’s head. Josh reacted on instinct, pulling back on the right stick and boosting backwards out of the way, seconds before contact was made.

  His lawyer gave up on the mech control panel and started shouting about being hacked. Josh kicked him in the arse region and said, “Shut up, you’re going to get us both killed!”

  The moment the sloth saw Josh using the controller it figured out what had happened and resumed the attempt to retrieve it. Josh hopped out of the way, but the sloth kept coming, until it was blocking Josh’s view of the arena. Josh yelled, “Get out of the way!”

  The sloth continued its slow-motion attack, arms raised to grab. It said, “You don’t understand, I have an arrangement. I don’t damage their mechs and they don’t destroy mine. You’ve broken the pact, and now they will be out for blood. Do you have any idea how many people will go undefended if my Ticket Buster is destroyed?”

  “Yeah well, your defence sucks. Besides, they can’t damage me if they can’t hit me.”

  The Litigator attacked again, swinging the wrecking ball. Josh dashed sideways with the boost jets at the last moment, narrowly avoiding the hit. The sloth reached out to grab Josh around the neck. “I’m sorry, but if they find out you are doing this they will kill us both. It is a terrible crime for anyone other than a licensed lawyer to pilot a mech, and they will assume I helped you.”

  Josh batted the attack away. “Then I suggest you sit back down at your terminal and look like you are doing your job, because I don’t have time to kick your arse and save mine.”