Grow Up

by Craig Anderson

  “Progress! This just might work.”

  You also used up almost a quarter of your booster fuel. If you continued down that path we’d survive almost 50 seconds before we could no longer dodge.

  “That’s not long enough. We need more time. Is there any way to get booster fuel during a fight?”

  I believe booster fuel canisters can be equipped, but no-one ever does that because they would slow you down and make you a walking bomb. One stray laser would be enough to detonate every canister you were carrying.

  “I’m not sure that is relevant.”

  Why not?

  “How much damage does a laser shot from the Behemoth do to a Ticket Buster, as a percentage of hull integrity?”

  A single hit from the laser does damage totalling 246% of the Ticket Buster’s hull integrity.

  “So booster cells don’t make us die any quicker, but if they slow us down they might. Unless we can lose the weight somewhere else…”

  You have already unequipped all available weapons, where do you propose we lose weight?

  Josh grinned. “I’ll fill you in on the plan in just a moment. First, I have to make a phone call.”

  ***

  Gargle walked out into the playground feeling rather pleased with himself. If it was this easy to earn money here, why wasn’t everyone doing it? If he could find just a few more people to pay him to do simple calculations he’d soon have enough to solve the Dad’s financial issues and maybe even buy a car that wasn’t held together by the paint.

  He noticed Pete and Brad stalking towards him, looking rather angry. Before Pete could raise his fist, Gargle held up his hand. “I have your £100.”

  Brad snatched the pile of notes. “That was yesterday. Now it’s £150.”

  “That seems unreasonable. In Economics the Teacher stated that the interest rate was…”

  The punch from Pete knocked the wind straight out of him. Gargle struggled to stand up, but then the adrenaline kicked in again. He felt it happen this time, and concentrated on it. With a tiny squeeze he pumped yet more into his system, and felt his muscles tense up, ready. Gargle was tired of getting hit, tired of being pushed around by anyone and everyone. This needed to stop, and he realized now that there was only one way this could possibly end.

  He stood up straight. “I’ve paid you what I owed. I consider this matter over.”

  A few of the other kids in the playground started to pay attention. They sensed that a fight was brewing, and based on who was involved it wasn’t going to last long.

  Brad shoved Gargle while Pete loomed behind him. “It’s over when I say it’s over. You strut around here pretending to be a bad boy, but deep down you’re still the same loser you were before your parents split up. You’re not fooling anyone.”

  “Would you say that we have reached the limits of discourse on this topic? Am I out of options?” Gargle asked.

  “You’re damn right you are. Pete, teach him a lesson.”

  Pete stepped forward, fists at his side, not ready for an actual fight. Gargle didn’t wait for an invitation. He unleashed a punch, exactly as the Dad had taught him. His adrenaline surged, his hip pivoted, and his fist connected in exactly the spot that the Dad had shown him.

  For the briefest of moments Pete remained upright, but then his eyes rolled upwards and his knees buckled. He collapsed in a heap and Gargle turned to face Brad. He smiled. “Would you like to continue this negotiation?”

  Brad looked at Pete face-down on the playground and quietly backed away. “I think we’ll just call it even.”

  “Good idea.”

  There was a commotion in the crowd as a teacher tried to push through. Old Man Murray appeared, his moustache bristling. He looked at Pete sprawled out on the ground and said, “What happened here?”

  “He knocked him out!” said Brad, pointing accusingly at Gargle.

  Old Man Murray laughed. “Yeah, sure he did.” He smirked at Gargle. “Looks like an accident to me. Someone go get the nurse.”

  At the mention of the nurse, the crowd instantly scattered in their eagerness to not be volunteered to fetch her. Gargle tried to go with them, but Old Man Murray stopped him. “I may be old, but I’m not blind. Back in my day, kids were allowed to defend themselves from bullies, but nowadays it’s all about hugging it out. I prefer the old-fashioned method.” He winked at Josh. “That was a hell of a punch, young man. Don’t let me see anything like it again, is that clear?”

  “Yes sir.” Gargle said.

  “Off you go then.”

  Gargle strutted away like the king of the playground. He’d solved two of his biggest problems already today, and he hadn’t even had lunch yet.

  Level 21: Trials and Tribulations

  “The Law School has finished the preparations for your Level 6 Contemptor,” Shift said, looking nervous. “They are moving it to the arena as we speak.”

  “Excellent. Did they install the enhanced armour plating and extra-capacity turrets as requested?”

  “They did, although I fail to see the purpose. Even I know that a Behemoth will destroy a heavily armoured Contemptor in a matter of seconds, and your turrets are unlikely to cause meaningful damage.”

  “Trust me, it’s all part of the plan.” Josh grinned.

  “I do trust you, but the High Command do not. Our planet is on the line. They wish to speak with you before the trial, to understand your approach. They have asked the Teacher to attend, so he may provide guidance.”

  “Good, because I’d like a word with them too. I’m assuming they will be at the arena?”

  “They will.”

  “Ok, then I will meet them there. Please go ahead and let them know.”

  Shift frowned. “I cannot leave your side, I am to escort you to the arena, to make sure you get there safely.”

  “You mean to make sure I don’t make a run for it,” he said.

  She hung her head. “Also that.”

  “I’m not leaving Ali behind, so you are safe on that front. However, I have someone to see before the fight, and you can’t be there. You will understand why later. I do not wish to put you in an impossible situation.”

  “You already are. I have been specifically instructed to stay by your side and report your movements to the High Command. I have a task directly from the High Command that says as much.”

  “That is precisely the problem. I’m going to have to ask you to do something you’re not going to like.”

  She winced. “What?”

  “I need you to ignore that task. Actually I need you to actively go against it. I promise you it is for the good of High Command. Tell them we are on schedule and on our way, and I will meet you at the arena.”

  Her look was one of pain. “I can’t.”

  “You can, I believe you can. You’re human now. Not just human, a teenager. I know you feel that rebellious streak deep down inside, the one that makes you want to tell the High Command where to shove their task.”

  Her expression was one of pure conflict. Josh gave her a final nudge. “They’re not the boss of you! You can be anything you want to be.”

  “Yeah!” exploded out of her. “You’re right! I’m sick of being an envoy, I never wanted to do this. All that politeness training, and sitting in pointless High Command briefings, and listening to my subjects blathering on about nonsense.”

  “Hey!”

  “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean you.”

  “I thought I was your first subject?”

  “You’re missing the point. I will help you. I want to save my planet, and if you tell me this is how it is going to happen, then I believe you. I will keep the High Command occupied as long as I am able. Then I am going to start doing what I want to do.” She leaned in and kissed him without warning. At least, that was what he guessed she was trying to do. Instead she smashed her teeth into his and then violently attacked his tonsils with her tongue.

  He gently pushed her away. “Alright, one step at a time.”

/>   “Why did I do that?” she asked, going red.

  “Hormones, I think. Who really knows why teenagers do anything. There’s plenty of time for us to get to know each other once I’ve saved the world. Now I’m afraid I have to leave.”

  She nodded and then hugged him. He turned his head in case another kiss was incoming, but she broke away and power walked out of the room.

  Frag thought, What just happened?

  “I think we just broke Shift. I’ll have to deal with that later.”

  Are you sure this plan is going to work? There are many factors that are outside of our control that could dramatically reduce our odds of success.

  “Even if everything goes our way, the odds of success are still garbage. We just have to roll with it.”

  I do not enjoy rolling with it. I prefer proven strategies with carefully considered contingencies.

  “Yep, and that’s why I’ll be piloting today.” Josh stopped as he caught a glimpse of Frag’s feelings. “Sorry, I want you to know you are an important part of this team, but the only way I have found to win this fight is my way. You’re the best defence lawyer I’ve ever met, but the Behemoth doesn’t care about that. It only needs one shot.”

  I understand. We are in this together. Now let’s go, or we shall be late.

  They strolled out of Josh’s room for the last time. He gave the bed a gentle tap, smiling at the pain in his knuckles. He was going to miss this place.

  The stroll through the market was a pleasant one. Everyone rushed over to talk to them, but Josh kept walking and the crowds parted. He wished he could reassure each and every one of them that everything was going to be ok, but he didn’t believe it himself.

  As they reached the spaceport Josh scanned the crowd anxiously. There were several huge ships docked, all of them emblazoned with the Galactic Corp logo. Important people had come to watch the final showdown. Josh breathed a sigh of relief. Step 1 of the plan was in place.

  He looked around for Step 2, and started to panic when he didn’t see who he was looking for. Then someone slowly tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned to see his furry friend. “Poke! You made it.”

  “Of course I did, I wouldn’t miss this for the world. Front-row seats for the most important trial this galaxy has ever seen? If people don’t already think I’m a bigshot lawyer, they will when they see me on their viewers.”

  “How is your fledgling practice going? Off to a good start I hope?”

  “Well, we haven’t had a trial yet, but I bought myself a nice Level 3 Litigator fresh off the production line. It’s a thing of beauty, better than that crappy mech I used to have.” Poke grinned.

  Josh smiled back. “Is everything ready? Were you able to make the requested modifications?”

  “Sure was. Got some strange looks from the mechanics, but a few credits changed their tune.”

  “Where is it now?”

  Poke looked up. “It’s exactly where you asked. You just need to point this at wherever you want it.”

  It handed over a large red button with a small protrusion that looked like a laser pointer.

  “Did all the modifications go as expected?”

  “Sure did. That’s one heck of a creation. I have no idea what you are going to do with it, but I’m glad someone took it off my hands.”

  “We’ve got a few tricks up our sleeves.”

  Poke laughed particularly hard at that one.

  Josh said, “Do you have the other thing I asked for?”

  “I do.” Poke handed over the data pad.

  “Thanks, Poke. I owe you one.”

  “Actually, I believe this makes us even.” It grinned a leisurely grin. ”No matter what happens today, this is going to be a fight to remember. If anyone is mad enough to win this thing, you are.”

  “Thanks, that means a lot. Come on, we’ll take you to the arena and make sure you get a decent seat.”

  Poke chuckled. “I’m not walking there, we’d miss the trial. Step aside.” Poke pressed a button and there was a roar in the distance. A sleek red blur sailed across the port and landed gently in front of him. It looked like a motorbike, only it didn’t have wheels. It also looked positively lethal. The sloth slowly clambered on board and then patted the space behind it. “Hop on, I can take you there.”

  “Are you sure? That thing looks like a death trap.”

  “Hasn’t killed me yet,” it said.

  “Do you at least have a helmet?” Josh said, tentatively climbing on the back.

  “Oh there’s no point, if this crashes, no helmet in the galaxy is saving you.”

  Before Josh could climb back off, Poke accelerated out of the port almost vertically, twisting Josh’s stomach and almost making him pass out. He’d only just recovered when the bike suddenly stopped and Poke said, “Hold on!”

  Josh grabbed as much fur as he could as the bike shot forwards. The entire planet blurred beneath them for a split second, and then it stopped. The arena was directly in front of them, huge and foreboding. Shift was waiting anxiously outside the lawyer’s gate and looked visibly relieved when they arrived. She ran over to the bike. “Nice ride!” Then she shook her head and said, “The High Command and Teacher are awaiting your briefing inside. They believe that we have just arrived together, and do not know about your detour.”

  Josh smiled, and she smiled back. He took her hand and squeezed it. “Thank you.”

  “Just don’t make me regret it.”

  She finally noticed the huge furry creature and said, “Who is that?”

  “That’s Poke. Can you make sure he gets a decent seat? He’s my special guest.”

  Shift said, “Sure, no problem.” She pulled out her data pad and waved it over Poke’s bracelet. “You now have access to all areas of the arena, including the dignitaries’ lounge, although I should warn you that the Galactic Corp Board of Directors are already up there.”

  “I think perhaps I will sit with the common folk,” said Poke, and ambled off toward the gate.

  “How do you know that creature? I feel like I have met it before.”

  “Poke is the lawyer that I stole control of the mech from.”

  Her eyes widened. “That’s right! Why is it here?”

  “Poke owed me a favour, but we are all squared now.” Josh grinned. “Come on, let’s go chat with High Command.”

  Shift led him into the arena and up a large staircase, to a floor far higher than he had been on before. From up here he had a perfect view into the arena below. They approached a pair of large doors and a guard greeted them with a handheld scanner. He waved it over both of them, nodded and said, “Proceed.”

  The doors swung open to reveal a huge room with a perfect view of the arena. The sound of the crowd dropped to a dull roar the moment the doors closed behind them. Purple blobs and Teacher were the only occupants. Shift said, “Here is our champion, as requested.”

  “Thank you, Shift. Now please leave us,” Josh said. This was the part of the plan he wasn’t looking forward to.

  “I am cleared to be here as an envoy of the High Command,” she said, glaring at him.

  “I know, but the strategy I am about to convey is top secret and is on a need-to-know basis. You don’t need to know.”

  “But…” she started, but her Mother interjected.

  “The young man is right, Shift, this is important state business. You may wait outside.”

  “You…you…stupid boy!” she stammered, before running from the room. She slammed the door behind her.

  “I’m sorry for my daughter,” said one of the purple blobs. “She has not been acting herself lately.”

  “Teenagers, right!” Josh said. “Now if you’d all be so kind, I need you to sign this.” He pulled the data pad from his backpack.

  Teacher scurried across the room and snatched it from him. “What is the meaning of this?”

  “I’m not getting tricked again. This is a contract. It outlines that in the event that I destroy the Beh
emoth, I get my A.I. back and also 10% of the resultant damages, paid directly to me.”

  The Teacher scanned through the document. “Preposterous. I am the legal counsel for the High Command and they will never sign a contract at this short notice. We would need time to review it thoroughly.”

  He turned to the High Command. “A smart lawyer once taught me to always give someone a limited amount of time to read an important contract. You have 10 seconds, and after that I will concede my position as the lawyer in this fight. I am sure Teacher would be willing to take my place, he is after all the most highly qualified lawyer on Blurgon.”

  The High Command had floated over and were slowly grumbling amongst themselves. Josh said, “10…9…8…7…6…5…”

  “Stop,” said the Teacher. “What are the terms if you lose?” He continued scanning through the contract. He smirked as he got to the relevant section.

  “I get nothing. You can delete my A.I. and forcibly remove Frag from my shell. If I survive that process I shall make my own way back to Earth without your assistance.”

  Teacher carefully checked off each condition of defeat in the contract before turning to the High Command. “This is most unorthodox, but I recommend we sign this contract. I believe the conditions to be fair to both parties.”

  High Command grumbled between themselves and then said, “We do not appreciate the manner of this exchange.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t appreciate being blackmailed into fighting the largest trial in your planet’s history, but here we are. 4…3…2…”

  “We accept,” said one of the purple clouds. “I authorize Teacher to sign on our behalf.”

  Teacher did as asked, scribbling at the bottom of the data pad. He tossed it back to Josh and said, “Now tell us this brilliant strategy of yours. How do you intend to defeat the Behemoth?”

  “Simple. I have discovered a flaw in the Behemoth’s design. There is a small window of opportunity to get underneath it, where I have discovered an access panel with inadequate armour plating. A single shot from the Contemptor’s laser cannon is enough to pierce it, and it is directly below the Behemoth’s reactor.”