Yet, as he lowered Amanda to the walk before the porch steps and heard her murmur a low thanks in his ear, he felt a pang of yearning so deep it unsettled him.
Beside him, Lin looked up searchingly into his face, biting at her lip as if she would withhold the words that begged to be poured into his hearing. The soft, brown eyes were dim, the animation in her face gone as if it had never been. And her shoulders slumped in a silent admission of defeat.
She walked up the steps, across the porch and into the front door, Amanda at her side. It would not do. He must explain, let her know his reasons for backing away from the warmth she offered. But, if he did, she would think…
“Lin?” She hesitated, then bent to whisper into Amanda’s ear, and the girl went on ahead, climbing the stairs to the second floor with languid movements.
“Yes?” As though her throat was clogged by tears, Lin awaited his response, offering her back, her head held high.
“My offer still stands.” Cruelly, he drove home his cold, aloof attitude in those simple words. And silently, she listened to the blatantly offensive proposal. With a barely perceptible shudder, she drew herself together and walked away, her feet silent as she climbed in Amanda’s wake.
He would never have her now. The knowledge burned in his mind, flashed through his body with a lurching sense of loss, and settled deep in his soul. That dark, jaded part of him that he kept tucked away, unwilling to peer too deeply into its depths, lest he find himself to still be that boy of twenty years past. That youth who had scrounged and fought for his existence in the alleys of New York City.
His soul. He smiled bitterly, hating himself in this moment, knowing that the mythical portion of himself was now even heavier, with the additional burden of this bit of cruelty on his part to weigh it down.
Chapter Seven
He’d changed. In an instant of time, he’d become a different man, his eyes turning cold, his mouth drawn into a harsh, narrowed line. Even the bones beneath his cheeks seemed to form new, stark furrows in their depths as he spoke. Harsh, hurting words that brought tears to Amanda’s eyes, disappointment to her eager, loving spirit.
And a deep, fathomless sense of loss to her own aching heart, Lin thought, pressing her hand against her chest. It was still beating, the rhythm the same, slow and steady. But the pain was sharp and grievous, there beneath her breast, and she shivered at the loss he’d inflicted.
My offer still stands. He’d said the words so casually, tossing them at her as he might cast a bone to a hungry dog. My offer still stands. He might as well have said the words aloud that had no doubt prompted that remark. I’ll make you my mistress. You’ll lack for nothing. Nothing but self-respect.
His first offer had been couched in affectionate language. Now he made it sound like a business proposition, with him doing the buying, her the selling. Of herself, her pride and her soul.
None of which he was worthy of receiving.
She’d thought of him as a kind man, a gentleman. He was neither of those. And yet, the memories flooded her mind as she sat on the edge of the bed. His gentle ways, his smiles and patience with Amanda. The touch of his mouth as he—
She would not think about it, she decided, rocking back and forth, her arms wrapped tightly around her body. Packing her clothes was the thing to do. Leaving Amanda behind was the hardest choice she’d ever made, but it couldn’t be helped. She’d known from the beginning that this day would come. No matter the dreams she’d dreamed lying here in this bed, she’d known one day down the road her final moments in this house would be spent in sorrow.
And it seemed that this was to be that day.
Outside her bedroom window, the stars glittered across the sky and the moon shone down with a radiance that brought a silver cast to the earth below. Leaves on the trees blew in a gentle dance in response to the wind, and somewhere an owl called, the sound as lonely and forlorn as the cry of Lin’s heart.
The house was silent, Amanda sleeping after a session of tears, Nicholas probably still in his study, where he’d retreated behind a closed door. And she was alone.
Still, the puzzle twisted and turned in her mind. What had brought about the change? What had she done to cause his abrupt transformation from doting uncle and indulgent host to a man possessed by cold, bitter anger? For only anger could have brought forth the words he’d spoken.
The only solution was to leave, to let Nicholas fend for himself with Amanda. The child loved him. The hour was too late to awaken her now. Telling her bad news and then expecting her to go back to sleep was foolishness. It couldn’t be helped. A note addressed to Amanda would have to suffice.
Lin’s fingers gripped the pen as she chose her words carefully, and tears flowed as she composed the simple note. Sealing it, she left it on her bed, consoling herself with the knowledge that the child loved Nicholas. She would forgive his lapse, and Katie would be here to comfort her. For Carlinda Donnelly there would be no comfort.
With a sigh, she rose and hauled her valise from the wardrobe, opening it on the bed. A candle waited on the table and she lit it, aware that the light would shine from beneath her bedroom door, yet caring little if he saw it and knew she was still awake. Her clothing was readily folded and packed. Her trunk holding the bulk of her belongings would have to be shipped later. Surely he would tend to that for her. Right now she only needed a few things, just enough to travel with.
The night air was chilly, but her shawl was woolen and warm. In ten minutes, she was ready, and with a last look around the room she picked up her valise, closing the door behind her as she stepped into the hallway. The tapestry bag was heavy, but she was strong, barely noticing the way it strained the muscles in her right arm.
Midway down the stairs, a sound from below alerted her to his presence and she saw him, standing in the open doorway of the study, his white shirt a blur before her tear-filled eyes. He stepped forward, meeting her at the foot of the staircase.
The sound of his voice was gruff in her ears. “Where are you going?”
Her laugh was short and unbelieving. “Does it matter?”
“Yes, it matters. I won’t allow you to leave here in the middle of the night. You haven’t anyplace to go.”
“Sitting on a bench in the park is preferable to sleeping under your roof, Mr. Garvey.” It seemed she should be better able to see him, but for some reason her eyes would not focus, and he’d become only a formidable presence, blocking her way to the front door.
“You can’t leave, Lin. I won’t let you go.” His hand reached to relieve her of the weight of her valise and she jerked away, unwilling to give up her possessions into his keeping. “That’s too heavy for you to carry,” he said quietly.
The aroma of whiskey filled her nostrils, and she was suddenly aware that he’d been indulging himself, emptying a bottle of the stuff while he sat in his study. He wasn’t drunk. Nicholas Garvey wouldn’t permit himself the luxury of total oblivion. Being in control was too much a part of him. Yet, he was probably as close to that condition as he’d ever been.
He would not control her any longer, she decided, holding tightly to the handle of her bag. “Move out of my way,” she said, proud of the firm tone she managed.
He shrugged, and his smile was apologetic. “Sorry, sweet. I can’t do that.”
“I’m leaving, whether you like it or not. I won’t allow you to treat me like a whore, Nicholas Garvey.”
His head tilted to one side as if he considered that idea. And then he nodded, a careful gesture. “I can see that you might have taken my offer that way. It wasn’t intended as such, though. You’re a beautiful woman, Lin. I want you in my bed.” He shook his head again. “I’ve already told you all this, haven’t I?” A deep sigh escaped his lips. “Maybe I need to convince you.”
Off balance, she moved back, her leg ramming against the riser. With a thump, her bottom met the third step, and her valise fell from her fingers to the floor below.
“Don’t touch me,�
�� she whispered as he bent over to peer intently into her face, his smile lopsided, his hair rumpled. She saw him more clearly now, and the awareness of his condition hit her broadside.
“You’re drunk,” she said bitterly. “You smell like a brewery, and you can’t even stand up straight.”
He lifted a brow, carefully, as if it required much effort. “Oh, but I can, sweet. I can stand up and I can lift you in my arms….”
His actions matched the words he spoke and she was caught up against his chest, as if her weight were nothing to the muscular strength he exhibited. With a muffled curse, using language she’d never allowed to pass her lips, she struggled with him, aware that he carried her across the threshold into his study and then leaned back against the door. The latch caught, the sound loud in the stillness.
His breathing was harsh, his arms holding her captive, and when he placed her on the sofa his heavy body pinned her against the brocade fabric.
She’d underestimated him, had unknowingly tossed a challenge in his face, and now he appeared bent on forcing her to his will. Screaming would waken Katie, frighten Amanda and bring disgrace on the man himself. If he were the subject of gossip, it would not matter, but harming Amanda was not to be countenanced.
“All your promises meant nothing, did they?” she asked, aware that her words were breathless, and bore a tinge of sorrow. He was heavy, crushing her breasts, his lips open, pressing hot, damp kisses against her throat.
“Am I hurting you?” he asked, the words slurring as he murmured them against her flesh. As if it mattered, he lifted his head, examining her face and throat as if to seek out bruises. “I only want to prove to you that we could have a wonderful time together, Lin.” His eyes glittered in the pale glow of moonlight from the windows and the single candle on his desk.
“I know you like my kisses, and I can make certain you enjoy the rest of it. I promise.” His mouth was damp, his breath warm as he mumbled the final words against her cheek, and then repeated them in a whisper.
“I promise.”
She trembled as his lips touched the vulnerable place below her ear. She ached for what had been, and what might have been, and then hardened her heart against his coaxing. “You can force me to your will, Mr. Garvey, but you can’t make me like it.”
He was like a statue over her, heavy and solid, and suddenly still. “I dare say I won’t have to force you,” he murmured, the words a vow, delivered with a smile that tilted his mouth at one corner. His voice softened, coaxed her in an intimate whisper. “I want you to like me, sweetheart.”
Her heart ached and tears flooded her eyes. “I did like you,” she whispered. “Too much, perhaps.” Her hands lifted, her palms finding purchase against his shoulders and pressing for her release. “Let me go, please, before you do something you’ll be sorry for. You’re going to hate yourself in the morning, Nicholas.”
“Perhaps I will. Maybe I do already.” His hold on her relaxed and he rolled from her to the floor, where he lay on his back, one knee bent, one hand behind his head as if he had chosen to take his night’s rest there, beside the sofa.
Lin sat up, looking down at him, her heart aching for the loss of respect he’d garnered in this confrontation. For whatever reason, the man had become someone she didn’t recognize. And yet there was about him the boyish, youthful look that had drawn her in the beginning.
His eyes appeared to be closed and she shifted on the sofa, readying herself for leaving him where he lay. “Don’t go, Lin,” he said, his voice low and controlled. “I’ll take you to the station in the morning. Stay here for tonight.”
Dark eyes glittered from beneath his heavy lids. “I won’t touch you again. I won’t offer an apology. I don’t have adequate words. But I won’t touch you.”
As if a magic wand had been waved over him, he was sober. Rumpled and redolent of the whiskey he’d indulged in, he was nonetheless in control now, and she recognized the man who observed her from his spot on the floor. It didn’t even make him look foolish, she thought, to lie there while she peered down at him.
Nicholas had fallen from grace, but had done it with panache. There seemed for a moment no connection between this toppled image and the man she had known.
He closed his eyes, his forearm sliding to cover them, and she curled on her side, her face at the edge of the cushion, watching him. “Don’t leave,” he said quietly. “Stay where you are, please.”
She shivered at the sound, but she would do as he asked, and stay where she was, until sunrise, anyway. Until Katie arose and began breakfast preparations in the kitchen. By that time Nicholas would have risen from the floor and disappeared into his room. She was certain of that, positive that he would not want to be found where he lay. His pride would not allow it.
She closed her eyes, courting sleep, aware that the coming day would require much of her. Yet her body could find no rest, and by sunrise, she’d resigned herself to her sleepless state.
When Nicholas stirred, groaned and muttered darkly, then turned to his side, she held her breath. Beneath lowered lids, she watched him, noting the sudden stillness as he awoke, and recognized his circumstances.
“Damn.” The single word was harsh, muttered beneath his breath, and she shut her eyes, lest he be aware that she watched his humiliation. As disappointed as she was in his behavior, she could not deliberately add to his distress now.
His clothing rustled as he rose to his feet, and she felt his gaze touch her. Then he moved away, opening and closing the study door with a stealth that told her he thought she still slept. She heard his footsteps in the foyer, then on the stairs. For several minutes she lay quiet, feigning sleep, until Katie’s voice from the kitchen made her aware that Nicholas had returned from his room and gone to the back of the house.
With stealthy movements, she rose and left the study, taking care to climb silently to the second floor. Amanda’s door was ajar and the child knelt before her window, turning as if she sensed Lin watching her from the doorway.
“I’m looking at the birds,” she announced in a whisper. “They’re right here in the tree.” She pointed to where a nest of sparrows was filled with several young. “Their mama keeps bringing them worms to eat for their breakfast.”
“I think Katie has your breakfast almost ready,” Lin said. “Why don’t you get dressed and go downstairs?”
“Will you help me?” Amanda smiled nicely, and Lin could not resist this last chance to hold her, these final moments in which to leave the child with words of love and affection.
“Why don’t we find your clothes together?” she asked, crossing to the bureau where she’d stored Amanda’s clothing. Their heads together, they chose the things she would wear, and sitting on the edge of the bed, Lin helped her into the assortment of undergarments and then a dress from the wardrobe.
She held Amanda on her lap finally, buttoning her shoes with the hook, then smoothing down the golden locks of hair into a semblance of order. A brush was brought into play, and in moments the child was ready to face the day. “Are you coming down with me?” she asked. Her eyes were troubled. “Is my uncle Nicholas still grumpy this morning?”
“No, he’s fine,” Lin assured her. “You go on ahead.” She kept an eye on her as Amanda scampered down the staircase, leaning over the railing to watch as small hands pushed open the kitchen door belowstairs. And then she went to her room, where water from the evening before was still waiting in her pitcher on the dressing table. She washed her face, worked at her hair hurriedly, keeping watch over her shoulder lest Nicholas should return from belowstairs and come past the door. It was past time to leave. She’d dallied long enough.
“Come in and eat,” Katie said from the kitchen door, her brow furrowed with worry lines. “Mr. Nicholas didn’t want anything this morning. He changed his shirt in the wash room where I hung the ironing late yesterday, and he’s gone already.”
That solved one problem, Lin thought. She’d not have to avoid him. The way was cle
ar. “I’ll just have a bite,” she told Katie, entering the kitchen where Amanda was tucked up to the table, a dish towel around her neck, the better to keep her dress clean.
“Just toast, please,” Lin said, doing her best to sound calm, even as her heart raced within her. She watched as Amanda ate, and then called her to her side. “I have to leave, sweetheart,” she said quietly.
Amanda tilted her head and frowned. “Can’t I go along?”
“No.” Lin bit her lip, searching for the right words and phrases. “I won’t be living here anymore. I’m going back to New York. Your uncle will always be here to take care of you, and so will Katie,” she said, swallowing against the lump in her throat.
Amanda was stricken, her eyes wide, her mouth trembling. And then she ran from the kitchen, out the back door.
“I’m leaving, Katie,” Lin said quietly as the housekeeper faced her with anger alive on her expressive face. Lin lifted an appealing hand, fighting tears as she tried to explain to the woman. “I told Nicholas last night I’d be going and he persuaded me to stay until morning. I know Amanda doesn’t understand, but I’ve left a note on my bed for her. Perhaps it will help explain things a little better.”
“I don’t know how you can just up and leave the child,” Katie said harshly. “You’re gonna break her heart, ma’am.”
“I have to leave, Katie. I can’t stay any longer, no matter how I feel about Amanda. And she’ll have Nicholas,” Lin said.
“None of that means spit when you compare it to losing the person who’s been taking care of her right along.” Katie’s mouth formed a determined line as she stated her case. “Mr. Nicholas is a fine man, that’s for certain. Still, between you and me and the fencepost, he can be a bit hard to live with once in a while. I’m sure I don’t know what he’s done to scare you off, but whatever it is, you need to get past it for the wee one’s sake.”
Her toast finished, Lin drained the coffee cup Katie had placed by her plate and then approached the housekeeper. “Please wish me well. I hadn’t planned to do it this way, but I must.”
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