Endless

by Kate Brian

  “What about my family?” I said, glancing over my shoulder at the abyss. “They’re real. And I can save them, Tristan.”

  “You don’t know that.” His voice was a high-pitched croak, his eyes rimmed with red. “We’re talking about pure evil here, Rory. You really think you can trust anything he says? Anything they say?” he added, looking from Nell to Krista. “How do you know you don’t say yes and then you’re all just stuck here forever?”

  The heavy reality of this possibility settled in over my shoulders.

  “Are you calling me a liar?” Steven Nell asked, tightening his grip on me. Rage flared behind Tristan’s eyes, and I could tell it was taking everything within him to keep from lashing out, to keep control. He didn’t acknowledge Nell but looked directly at me.

  “Don’t do it, Rory. Please,” he begged, inching toward me. “You don’t deserve to spend eternity in the Shadowlands.”

  “Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t,” I told him. “And maybe this will work or maybe it won’t. But, Tristan, I have to try. If there’s a chance I can save my family, I have to try.” I looked up at Nell, swallowing back my revulsion at the sight of his face, so very close to mine. “I’d like to say good-bye.”

  Nell’s watery blue eyes softened as he looked at me, and somehow, that expression of caring was more horrifying than anything he’d ever done to me. It was as if he was calling me his with that one look.

  “You have one minute,” he said, releasing me.

  I staggered away from him and threw myself at Tristan. He held me so close to his chest I couldn’t separate his heartbeat from mine. I buried my face in his wet T-shirt, gasping for air.

  “Don’t,” he said in my ear, his teeth clenched. “Don’t you leave me. We’re going to be together forever. Please, Rory. Don’t do this. Don’t.”

  I tilted my head up, and tears flowed freely down my face. “I’m so sorry, Tristan. I’m so sorry. I love you. I’ll never stop loving you, I swear.”

  He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine firmly, desperately, longingly, and I kissed him back as hard as I could, trying to impress the memory of me into him, as if some piece of me could really linger there forever.

  “I love you, too,” he said.

  “I know.”

  Somehow, I released him. I turned and looked at Joaquin. His chest was heaving, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. I stepped up to him, stood on my toes, touched his cheek, and kissed it.

  “Good-bye.”

  He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. I knew how he felt. I knew what I was doing to both of them. But I also knew that I was doing the right thing. I stepped past Krista, who was smiling beneath Joaquin’s boot, and stood in front of Nell.

  “Don’t,” Tristan pleaded, tears streaming down his face. “Don’t, don’t, don’t.”

  I lifted my chin, not letting myself consider what was to be.

  “Yes,” I said to Steven Nell, to my worst nightmare come to life. “I’ll come with you.”

  “No!” Tristan screamed.

  Steven Nell smiled. My ears, my head, my heart, my lungs filled with the awful sucking sound that meant it was over. That meant I was being swallowed whole. Devoured. Never to see my family, my home, my love again.

  “Rory, no! Please, no!”

  Tristan reached for me, his arm and hand and fingers stretching out in pure despair, and then he was gone.

  “Rory. Rooreee! Time to wake up, sweetie. It’s a whole new day.”

  I took a deep breath, clinging to sleep, knowing that if I opened my eyes, my mother’s voice would cease to exist, just like she’d ceased to exist. She was singing my name, and I didn’t want it to end.

  “And I thought I was a heavy sleeper,” Darcy said sarcastically.

  “Give her a break.” That was Dad. “She’s been through a lot.”

  “Come on, sweetie.” My mom gently shook my shoulder. “I want to look into your eyes.”

  I blinked myself awake. I was on a soft cotton pad on the floor of a vast white room, and I was staring at my mother’s face. She looked nothing like she had on the day she died, with those sunken cheeks and milky eyes. She looked healthy. Perfect. Like she’d never been touched by cancer.

  “Hey there. It’s my baby,” she said, her voice full.

  I sat up and she enveloped me in a lilac-scented hug. Her blond hair brushed my face. I’d forgotten her hair, how long and soft it was.

  “Mom? Where are we?” I looked up and saw my dad and Darcy standing behind her, wearing the same clothes they’d worn the nights they’d disappeared. Darcy in a tight blue T-shirt and jeans. Dad in his polo shirt and khakis. “I’m dreaming, right? This is a dream.”

  My mother reached out and tucked my hair behind my ears. “It’s not a dream,” she said, a proud smile lighting her face. “We’re here because of you. We’re together because of you.”

  “Me?”

  “You committed a purely selfless act,” my mother said, her hand coming to rest atop mine. It was so tan and perfect, her wedding ring shining on her ring finger. “You willingly gave yourself up to the Shadowlands to save those souls, and because of that, you were sent to the Light.”

  My heart leaped, and I looked at my father. “This is the Light? What about the others?”

  “They’re here,” Darcy said with a smile. “Aaron is beside himself.”

  I laughed and tears overflowed, bathing my face. “And Nadia? Cori?”

  “They’ve been here since they passed,” my mom told me. “They were given the choice to return to Juniper Landing, but they chose to stay.”

  Relief hit my chest. “So I don’t have to go to the Shadowlands? I don’t have to be with—”

  “Don’t even say his name,” my mother said, touching her fingertips to my lips. “You never need to say his name again.”

  I collapsed against her and cried, releasing the torrents of terror and confusion and uncertainty I had bottled up for so long. My mother hugged me close, her strength radiating through me. Just to be with her, just to be held by her again, was the greatest gift I could have ever been given.

  “I’m so proud of you, sweetie,” she said into my hair, kissing the top of my head. “Everything you’ve been through and everything you’ve done, and you’re still my strong little girl.”

  “You’ve been watching me?” I asked through my tears.

  “Of course. Are you kidding? I’ve been watching you since the moment I died,” she said. She tipped my head back and held my face between her hands. “I never left you.”

  Then she looked at my dad and Darcy. “I never left any of you.” She gazed into my eyes again. “And whatever you decide to do next, I’ll always be right there beside you.”

  I felt a stab of foreboding. “Whatever I decide to do next?”

  My mother nodded. She got up, tugging me by the hands to stand with her. We stepped off the cotton mat and onto the warm white floor. With one hand still clutching mine, my mother lifted the other and, palm out, wiped the air in front of us as if she were cleaning a window. Instantly, an image appeared. We were looking at the foot of the bridge, at Tristan, who was on his knees, and Joaquin, who stood over him. Tristan was sobbing, his shoulders bent, his hands flopped uselessly across his knees.

  “What happened?” I asked. “Where’s Krista?”

  “Krista’s deal was that she would be returned to Earth. Once your selfless act released those innocent souls, the Shadowlands drew her in for itself instead,” my mother explained grimly. “As far as Tristan and Joaquin know, both of you are in the Shadowlands, and no one was ever released.”

  My mouth was dry as sand. “So they think I failed.”

  “They think you were tricked,” my mother corrected. She took a breath and turned me to face her. “Now you need to decide whether you wish to stay here, in the Light, with u
s, or go back to Juniper Landing and continue your mission.”

  My heart thumped extra hard. I glanced over at my dad and Darcy. “What about you?” I asked my sister. “Do you get the same choice?”

  “Yeah, but I already made it,” she said. “I’m staying here.”

  “Oh.”

  “When I really thought about it, I realized I’m not gonna stay with Fisher forever, and if we break up, there’s gonna be so much drama,” Darcy said, rolling her eyes. “I’m sort of over all that, you know?”

  “But what about being a Lifer? What about our mission?” I asked.

  She lifted her shoulders. “I was never technically a Lifer. I never really got what it meant. Honestly…I think I’d rather stay here and just…be.”

  “Rory, we want you to know that whatever you decide, we’re here for you and we’re happy for you,” my father said. “If you want to go back, we’ll understand. And we’ll always be with you.”

  I nodded, looking at my mom. The only thing I’d wanted for the past four years was to see her again. To hear her voice. To have her hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. And there she was. Right there. Could I really imagine letting her go again?

  “I want to be with you,” I said plainly. “It’s the only thing I’ve wanted since the second you told me you were sick.”

  “I know, sweetie.”

  “What’s it like here?” I asked. “Are you happy?”

  “I’m at peace,” she said gently. “There’s a certainty about being here. Knowing nothing can ever hurt you again. There’s no confusion, no longing, no guilt. You just…are.”

  It sounded like perfection, never having to worry. Never feeling pain or uncertainty. But there was something leading in her tone. She was trying to tell me something. I looked her in the eye and flinched in understanding.

  “But there’s also no Tristan,” I said. “No confusion, longing, pain, uncertainty, or guilt means no passion, too. No…love?”

  “Oh, there’s love,” she said. “It’s all around us. But it’s not the same. It’s not what you have with him.”

  She tilted her head and smiled. “C’mere,” she said, holding out one hand.

  I took it and she pulled me into her side, wrapping one arm around me and holding me close in a way that tickled me enough to make me laugh.

  “You love him, don’t you?” she said. “With all your heart?”

  “Yeah,” I croaked.

  “And your mission there…it fulfilled you?” she asked. “It made you feel good, useful, accomplished?”

  I straightened up, pulling away from her, and nodded, but my fingers still found her hand, unwilling to break apart for more than a second. “It did.”

  “I so looked forward to this when I was alive,” she said, looking from me to Darcy. “That day you girls would come to me and tell me you’d found the one. And then, after everything that happened…” She looked away, then back to me, smiling. “The point is, I never thought I’d get to do it, yet here we are.” She squeezed my hand, her eyes shimmering, and I knew she thought that I should go back. That I should be happy. That I should have a life, however odd and unconventional and of the unliving it was. “It’s amazing how the universe works, isn’t it?”

  I nodded, a half sob, half laugh rumbling from my throat. “Yeah. It is.”

  “It’s okay,” my mother told me. She drew me into her chest and held me close, her chin against my shoulder. “It’s okay, baby. You go. You be with him. You deserve to be happy.”

  “Mom,” I choked out. “Mommy. I wish you could come with me.”

  “I know,” she said. “I know. But we got through this once before. We can do it again.” She pulled back and touched my face. “And who knows? Eternity is a long time. We may just find a way to meet up in the future. We Miller girls seem to have a way of getting around the rules.”

  I snorted a laugh, tears and snot running unbidden down my face—as if I cared. I turned around and hugged my dad good-bye. He was sturdy and strong for a good five seconds before he finally let out a ragged cry, and I nearly broke. Then I turned to Darcy, and she gripped me tight, her arms high around my shoulders as I clung to her skinny waist. She rubbed her hand in my hair and kissed my forehead.

  “Tell Fisher I said good-bye,” she told me. “And that other jerk, too.”

  I smiled. “Will do.”

  Then, finally, I returned to my mother for one last bolstering hug. She kissed one cheek, then the other, then my forehead, and put her hands on my shoulders.

  “Never forget who you are,” she said.

  “Who is that again?” I asked tearfully.

  “You’re Rory Miller,” she said. “You’re strong and smart and fierce and defiant and compassionate and caring and true. You’re my daughter, and I’ve got your back.”

  I smiled as best I could and tried not to choke as I said, “Thanks, Mom. For everything.”

  “You’re welcome, baby.”

  For a long moment, we stood there, gazing at each other, and even though I knew this was good-bye, and even though my limbs felt heavy with sadness, this was so very different from the moment I’d said good-bye to her on Earth. There had been so much uncertainty then, so much finality, so much never-ever again. Now I knew where she was going to be, I knew she’d be safe, I knew she’d be watching. And the reality of that made my heart feel light.

  My mom nodded, then turned me around slowly. Gradually, quietly, a vortex opened in front of us, this one white and long and far less intimidating. My mother leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” I said.

  A velvet bag appeared in her hands, and she handed it to me. It was heavy, bulbous, and I had a feeling I knew what was inside. “Here,” she said. “You’re going to need these.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said lightly. “You always did give the best presents.”

  She shrugged and kissed my forehead. “Your mom knows what you need better than anyone.”

  I smiled, turned around, and stepped through.

  When I returned to Juniper Landing, I was at the foot of the bridge, standing right behind Joaquin, who was standing right behind Tristan. It was as if no time had passed between the image my mom had shown me in the Light and this moment. Overhead, the clouds were starting to break up and disperse, giving way to small, jagged pieces of blue sky.

  “Hey,” I said. “Who died?”

  Joaquin whirled around, so startled he almost lost his footing. “Rory?”

  Tristan rose to his feet. He kept his back to me for what felt like an eternity before finally turning around. His face looked haggard, like he hadn’t slept in days. There were purple shadows under his eyes, and a tear clung to the underside of his chin.

  “Too soon?” I asked, biting my bottom lip.

  “Oh my god.”

  In two long strides, he closed the distance between us and pulled me into a deep, passionate kiss, his arms locking around me and bending me backward. As I held him, the heavy velvet bag my mom had given me rested against his back. I felt the warm sunlight against the side of my face and laughed even as I was kissing him.

  Finally Tristan pulled away and looked into my eyes with wonder, brushing my hair back from my face. “I thought I’d lost you,” he said. “I thought you were gone forever.”

  “I know,” I said as the clouds continued to part. “So did I.” I glanced at the deserted area around the bridge, the dozens of muddy footprints peppering the ground. “Where is everyone?”

  “I sent them down to deal with the crowd,” Tristan told me, holding on to my hand. “Hopefully they’re getting things under control.”

  “What the hell happened in there?” Joaquin asked, hovering to my left. “Did Darcy and your dad get out?”

  “Yeah. They’re fine. Everyone’s fine
,” I told them. “They were released to the Light. Me, my dad, Darcy, Aaron, Jennifer…everyone. We ended up there.” I cleared my throat. “Everyone except Krista.”

  There was a quick pulse of sadness, of dread. Until today, Krista had been one of our own, someone worthy of protecting, of loving. It was going to take a while for any of us to accept what she had tried to do.

  A crackle split the silence. Bea’s voice rang through our walkie-talkies. “Tristan? Are you there? Over.”

  He tugged his radio off his waistband and hit the button to talk. “I’m here. Everything okay? Over.”

  “Not exactly,” she responded. “We managed to subdue part of the crowd, but the twins are on their way to you with about a dozen others, and they’re not happy. Over.”

  “Damn,” Joaquin said. “What’re we gonna do?”

  I felt the velvet bag hanging heavily from my wrist. “We’ll use these.”

  I held the bag up, and Tristan’s eyes widened. Joaquin leaned over and opened the knot cinching the top together. Dozens of gold coins glinted in the sunlight. Joaquin took the bag and held it with both hands.

  “Where did you get these?” he asked.

  I smiled, my eyes shining with tears. “From my mom.”

  “You saw your mom?” Tristan was stunned.

  I took a deep breath. “Yeah. She gave me a choice: stay in the Light, or come back here and be with you guys.”

  In the distance, a truck engine roared. The visitors were coming. My heart thumped with trepidation, but I knew it would be okay. It might get a bit messy, but we would calm them, we would usher them, and they would go to the Light. Everything was going to be fine. For the first time in forever, I truly believed that.

  Tristan held our hands up between us and kissed the backs of my fingers as he looked into my eyes.

  “You could have been with your family,” he said as he slowly processed the gravity of what I’d done. “But you chose to be here.”