I could sympathize with that, but I still disliked the guy. And I’d still do what I could to protect my new home town from his attempts to take it over.
32
Holly
The school day was over and I was at my desk grading papers. As usual, my mind was only half on it as my life issues continued to rattle around in my brain. I avoided town, unable to face the looks and snickers that had to be happening behind my back. I grieved over the loss of the library project. And I felt such guilt at letting the community down.
But more than anything, I felt deep turmoil over Tucker. I missed him so much, and yet I couldn’t stop thinking about how this was better. Being without him was the right choice even though it felt so horribly wrong.
I’d spent sleepless nights and many awake hours reviewing what Sinclair and Trina said, but I couldn’t get past my own fears of what our age difference meant. The looks and talk from town. The possibility that he’d get bored and want to move on. No, this was how it should be.
But I did owe it to him to be honest about what happened. I’d blamed him for what happened at Meredith’s and that was wrong. He needed to know the truth.
I checked my watch. Maybe he was still in his classroom. I rose and went to his class. For a moment, I just watched him sitting at his desk, taking in his essence. He was so good. So handsome. Someday, he’d make a wonderful husband and father.
I knocked and he looked up. His brows rose in surprise, but then his expression went blank.
“Is now a bad time?” I asked.
He shook his head. “No. Come in. I don’t have that social studies project ready yet though, if that’s why you’re here.”
Of course, he’d think I was here for a curriculum issue. “No. I’m not here about that.” It occurred to me that this wasn’t the time or place for a personal chat, but since I had the guts now, I’d keep going. “I wanted to tell you something that I should have said a long time ago.”
His jaw tightened. “Okay.” He stood and I wondered if he was hoping to use his height and bulk to show strength. But then he leaned against the edge of his deck. His arms crossed in front of him.
I looked down for a moment as I worked to find the words. “You once asked me to be honest with you and I wasn’t. Not completely.”
His dark eyes watched me, but he didn’t say anything.
“I want to be honest with you now. With no expectations that it will change anything. I just feel bad and I owe you the truth.”
He gave a slight nod.
I stood looking at him as the words all jumbled in my brain. I laughed self-consciously. “I don’t know where to start.”
“How about when you told me it was only sex?” His tone was flat, but I could hear the undercurrent of pain. Pain that I caused. That’s why I was here.
“Yes, I need to address that, but I want to start at the beginning. If that’s okay.”
He gave a noncommittal shrug. “It’s your show.”
I looked down as my fingers nervously fiddled. “When Rick left me, I was humiliated. It wasn’t so much that he broke my heart, because I realize now that I’m not so sure I loved him like I should have. He left so publicly and I took it personally. Like there was something so wrong with me that he couldn’t even bear to marry me. He couldn’t tell me he didn’t want to get married.” I shook my head. “I’m not explaining this right. The point was, I felt empty and less than and unworthy.”
His expression softened some, but he didn’t move or say anything.
I swallowed. “I needed something to distract me from feeling like such a loser so when I was asked to be your contact over the summer before you moved here, I agreed. And texting with you…” I laughed quietly. “I started to find myself again. You were sweet and kind even though you didn’t know my story. It didn’t take long before I eagerly anticipated your text. I felt a connection to you. I was so uncertain when I sent you that picture. I wanted so much for you to like what you saw and yet, there was sort of a magic in the unknowing. Anyway, after I sent the picture, there was a shift in our flirting and while I was nervous about it, I was also excited. I never thought I’d feel like a man was interested in me and there you were.”
I gave him a moment to respond but he didn’t.
“Then one day, just before you arrived, I saw some paperwork on Principal Ambrose’s desk with your birthdate and my heart sank.”
He frowned.
“You’re so young, Tucker.”
“That’s why you rejected me?”
That was such a harsh word, but how else could he have experienced it. I nodded. “I’m so much older and—”
“So the fuck what!” He laughed derisively. “I don’t even know how old you are. I don’t care.” He shook his head. “I knew you thought I was immature.”
“No. I don’t think that at all. But you’re in a different place. You should be living and enjoying life. You should be dating and I’m in a place where I want to settle down.”
His jaw tightened. “So, the only thing I have going against me is that you think I should be sowing my oats?”
I hated how he reframed things, but he wasn’t wrong. “When I was twenty-four, my life was so different than now. You need to experience all that.”
“I see. So other than I’m too young for you, what’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing. That’s what I came to tell you. On Halloween, when you told how you felt, I was so…happy and devastated at the same time. The truth was, I cared for you too, Tucker. I really did. I just…the age thing…when I’m forty you’ll still be in your twenties.”
“So you’re a coward.”
I flinched, surprised by his accusation.
“You decimated my heart because you’re too afraid of what Meredith and the rest of this town will think of you being with a younger man. You’re as fucked up as Stark, you know that.”
I closed my eyes, reminding myself that I deserved his anger.
He straightened from his desk.
“Tucker, I’m sorry.”
He laughed derisively. “I remember saying the same thing to you the night of Meredith’s party, and you’re not accepting it. But you’re right, sorry is just inadequate.”
He began to turn back to his chair. I reached out and put my hand on his forearm. “Tucker.”
He looked down at it and then at me. “You’re not going to kiss me, again are you? Every time you’d push me away, I’d respect it and then you’d kiss me and give me hope that you cared for me. Turns out you just wanted my dick.”
“It’s not like that Tucker.”
“Well it’s a good thing you didn’t come here with any expectations, because I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
I released my hand and nodded. “You’re right, sorry isn’t enough. I wish I knew the words to say.”
He moved to sit in his chair. “I loved you, you know. I really did.”
The fact that it was in the past only made it hurt more. But it was a pain that I’d brought on myself.
“In the future, if you’re honest and include your man in your decisions, you might just yet have that family you want.”
To my mind, a husband and children was now a fading dream. But I nodded again. “I know you’ll find a wonderful woman and have those twins.”
“Right. After I sow my oats and find a woman closer to my own age.” His tone was bitter and he shook his head. “Fuck.”
I flinched again.
“I don’t mean to be an asshole.”
“I hurt you. It’s only natural to be bitter and resentful. I hate that I’ve done that to you. I wish I’d been stronger at resisting you then we wouldn’t be here.”
He sat back and his eyes were so sad. “Or you could have gone all in, and we’d be living a happily ever after. Including those twins.” He closed his eyes and scraped his hands over his face.
Me, I was momentarily poleaxed by his comment. He couldn’t have possibly been thinking of us a
s a long term, forever deal, could he?
When he looked at me again, he’d put on his impassive expression. “I appreciate your honesty.”
“Of course. I’m sorry I—” I didn’t know how to finish that. Sorry I fucked things up? Sorry I hurt you? Sorry I’m not brave enough. Instead I turned and left his classroom.
The minute his door closed behind me, I sagged against it. I wanted to cry but I heard movement up the hall so I forced myself together.
“Hey Hol.” Becky and Karen approached me. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Listen, we're planning a girl’s night at Salvation Station tonight, why don’t you come? We haven’t hung out with you in a long time,” Becky said.
I shook my head. I still wasn’t ready to show my face publicly.
“Or do you have a hot date with Tucker McHottie.”
Becky shot her a look, that suggested that was a no-no topic. I hadn’t told Becky all the sordid details, but since it had gotten out about the fake marriage and his living with me, I’d told her enough that she knew I’d cared for him, but that it was over.
“No hot date. I just—”
“We’ll bring the party to you,” Becky said. “Then we don’t have to worry about driving home. We can have a slumber party.”
“Oh, that sounds fun,” Karen said. “I’m for that.”
“I don’t know—”
“Listen, Holly, you can’t hide out forever. You have friends,” Becky said, sympathetically.
“I just can’t face the embarrassment.”
“I get it.” Karen nodded. “And I won’t tell you that no one is talking about it, but they’re not necessarily being judgy. Some people, like me and Becky here, admire your willingness to put it all on the line for the kids.”
Becky nodded. “Not many people would do what you did to get a children’s library, that’s for sure.”
“Seriously. You pimped yourself for a library.”
Becky gaped and my first feeling was mortification and then something snapped. Maybe I was going crazy, but I started to laugh. I don’t know why, except maybe the truth was I had pimped myself. I was having spectacular sex to convince a woman I was married so I could get money for a library.
Becky and Karen watched me for a moment like maybe they thought I’d gone crazy too, but then they laughed as well.
“So, we’ll bring the booze and food. You have the floor of your place ready for a girl’s night,” Becky said.
I nodded. “Yeah. Okay.” It was time I got back into the swing of life beyond going through motions. This would be an easy way back in.
33
Tucker
When the door closed behind Holly, I felt all my strength leave. I was like a sack of jelly as I sagged in my chair, emotionally whooped. It was sheer will that had me resisting reaching for her and trying to convince her to change her mind.
I was too young? What the fuck reason was that? Seriously? I wanted to tell her that was the dumbest excuse in the world, and yet, I could see on her face that it was true for her. I knew in society that age differences were a thing. Brooke had come across the same issue with Mo, but he seemed to get past it and they were happy. Holly knew the both of them, so she had to see it was true. Age was just a number. Love didn’t pay attention to such things.
The truth was, her reasoning hurt even more, for reasons I didn’t quite understand. I suppose it was because it was the one thing I couldn’t change. She’d always be older than me. It had also killed me when she said she wished she’d had resisted her interest in me. As painful as all this was, I wouldn’t have passed up the times I’d spent with her.
So I’d gotten angry at her lame excuses and her wish to have never been with me. And for a moment, I went with it. Wanting for her to know and feel just what I was feeling. But then I remembered Stark, and I knew I didn’t want to fall into the trap of wallowing in my pain. I didn’t want to treat the world like it was my enemy simply because Holly wasn’t brave enough to love me.
Then again, she never actually said she loved me. She said she cared for me. That was more than I’d gotten before, but fell short of what I’d felt. Which was probably why she could walk away so easily.
I heard her laughing outside my door, and it was like a fucking hot poker to my chest. No, she never loved me. And now that she’d appeased her conscience and told me the truth, she could go back to her old life, spending time with her girlfriends.
I packed my school bag and headed home. I considered making a weekend trip to Chicago. I couldn’t drive though because it was nine hours by car. I could fly, but that was still a big ordeal getting to an airport, the flight, and then dealing with O’Hare. No, I’d arrange to go home for Thanksgiving which was coming up soon. Brooke had invited me to spend it with her and Mo and her father, but I’d finally reached the point where I needed time away from this place.
Short of going home, there was Brooke. My home away from home. I hated to bother her now that she and Mo were on the right path. They’d even had a real wedding. I supposed they were still in their honeymoon phase, so I hated to interrupt her bliss with my shitshow of a life.
I’d just go home and drink. Maybe I’d stop at the animal rescue and get a cat or a dog to keep me company. I wondered if that was allowed in my rental agreement. God, I was pathetic.
I headed home, made myself some dinner, and then pulled out the bottle of whisky I’d stashed away. I opened the slider to my balcony and took a seat in my lounge chair. I figured I could stay here all weekend.
My phone pinged with a notification.
Open the door, you doofus.
Brooke. I wondered if she had a sixth sense about when I was in turmoil.
Why? I’m having a pity party. You’re not invited.
I put my phone on the little table knowing full well she wasn’t going away.
You can’t have any party that I’m not invited to. Open up or I’ll have your landlord let me in by order of the mayor.
I rolled my eyes, but got up and opened the door. “Why are you here?”
“I came because I haven’t seen you in a while. I know there’s been some fallout and I want to be here for you.”
“I’m just drinking and wallowing.”
She smiled. “I’ll drink and wallow with you.”
“What about Mo? You have your happily ever after. You should embrace it.”
Her eyes narrowed and I realized my words gave something away. “Did something happen?”
I turned away and went back to my spot on the balcony and grabbed my bottle. A few minutes later, she joined me in the other lounge chair with a glass that she held out to me. I poured her a small finger, hoping she’d drink it and leave.
“So, spill the tea, Tucker.”
I took a long swig of my whisky, savoring the burn as it flowed down to my gut. If only it could burn away the pain.
“Holly told me I’m too young for her today.”
“God, what is it with people?” She reached over and took my hand. “Don’t give up. Mo finally realized that age was just a number.”
I shook my head. “Mo loved you and that’s what helped him get over the hump. Holly doesn’t love me.”
“I don’t believe that.”
I pulled my hand back.
“Did she tell you she didn’t love you?”
“She told me she’d cared for me. I told her I’d loved her and she said nothing. Then she walked out and had a good laugh with her friends.”
“Not laughing at you?” Brooke looked at me with a horrified expression.
“I don’t think so. I don’t know. The point is, she’d once again emotionally ripped me apart and then was off having a party with her friends. That’s not love.”
“I’m sorry, Tucker. I really am.” She sat for a moment. “But I don’t buy it.”
I looked over at her, wishing she’d finish her drink and leave.
“I saw her with you. She had feeli
ngs. She’s probably just hung up on the age thing. You can’t give up. Not if you love her.”
I shook my head. “Why? From the moment I came to this town she was putting up roadblocks. At some point I need to heed the road signs and move along a different path.”
“She’s just afraid. Can you blame her? I mean there she was, in her dress ready to have the greatest day of her life, and her fiancé just never showed. That can take time—”
“I’m not Rick.” I yelled out. I looked over at her. “And what about my feelings? She told me twice that it was just sex for her. I gave her everything. She gave me nothing.”
Brooke thankfully stayed silent. Finally, she said, “Well then she’s not worthy. But I can guarantee that she’ll regret it. When she does, if she had the guts to come back to you, will you listen?”
My jaw tightened. “I’ll listen.”
“But you won’t take her back.”
I looked at her. “She can’t get beyond the age thing and that’s the one thing that won’t change. How old is she anyway?” I never even asked. I knew she was older, but it wasn’t like it seemed a huge difference.
“Mo said she was a couple years behind him in school, so thirty-seven or so, I think.”
“Thirteen years.” I mulled it over trying to decide if that was a lot.
“You know, she never struck me as vain, but maybe she’s thinking that in our society, women aren’t considered as attractive when they age. I mean, when you’re thirty, she’ll be forty-three or so.”
“So?”
“She might think you won’t find her attractive then.”
“I don’t love her for her skin quality.”
“I know, honey. I’m just trying to think like a woman. An older woman.”
“Thirty-seven isn’t that old. Your husband is older and you’re younger than me.”
She nodded. “He worried I hadn’t lived enough to settle with him. Maybe she thinks that too.”
Fake Marriage (Contemporary Romance Box Set) Page 80