Star (Beautiful Book 5)

by Lilliana Anderson

  Mum smiles at him. It's a sad smile that conveys understanding instead of happiness. "Don't be sorry, Brad. Just do me a favour, and when you finally get yourself married, listen to your wife. She normally knows you better than you know yourself."

  "That's very sound advice, and I'll be sure to take it on board." It's then that he makes his excuses to leave so he can get to work on time. He leans in and presses a kiss to both mum’s cheeks and mine then repeats that we’re welcome at Quay any time, and he'll make room for us.

  "Well, he's lovely," Mum says as we watch him walk away and he turns back and waves. "I think I like his tattoos. And that grin of his looks a little devilish. Tell me, why didn't you sleep with him again?"

  "Oh Mum," I say with a laugh as I wrap my arms around her and hug her to me, grateful that for some reason she has chosen today to come back to me.

  "What?" she asks.

  "Nothing. I just really missed you is all."

  "I know, sweetheart," she responds patting my back softly. "I missed me too."

  "So, tell me all about these two men you're no longer seeing. You seemed so enamoured with Jonathan Masters. What happened?" Mum takes a bite of her massive burger as we sit in an outside eatery enjoying the sea air in The Rocks shopping district.

  "Well," I say slowly. "Brad and I only dated a few times, but it wasn't really working for us. We got along great but…"

  "There was no real chemistry," she finishes for me.

  "Exactly."

  "So you went with the chemistry, which was with Jonathan, and instead of living the movie star life with him, you're here with me."

  I pick up a thick potato chip from my plate, and swirl it around in my pot of tomato sauce, keeping my eyes downcast as I think before I answer.

  "We just…didn't work out.” I shrug.

  "Bullshit," she snaps, causing both myself and a few other diners to turn our shocked attention toward her.

  "Mum," I admonish, her tone causing my tenuous emotions to falter.

  "I'm not stupid, Sandra. You’re wearing a ring on your wedding finger but he’s not in the picture. What happened? And don’t lie. You broke up with him to look after me, didn't you?"

  "Please, can we just drop this? We’re having a nice time and sometimes relationships don't work out, okay?"

  "No, Sandra, I want to know what happened," she insists.

  "Fine. I told him to leave."

  "Why would you do that?"

  I pause for a moment, my eyes downcast as I swallow down the thickness in my throat. "Because I was too busy being with him to talk to Dad like you asked me to. And I was too busy making plans with him to be bothered calling a handyman to help you. And I was too busy fucking him to hear your phone calls when you needed me when dad was dying. That's why. Because suddenly, looking at him made me feel selfish and guilty. When your world was breaking, mine was coming together, and I felt like…like…"

  "Like what?"

  I shake my head, dropping the chip on my plate. "I felt like my love stole yours. And I couldn't live with that."

  "What do you mean your love stole mine? That makes no sense. What? Like the universe couldn't exist with both so it cancelled out the other?"

  Shaking my head, I bounce my shoulders in a shrug. It feels stupid hearing my reasons repeated back to me, but I’m unable to stop how I feel. "I suppose… Sort of."

  "Well," mum says, as she sits back against her seat with a thud. "That's a pretty fucked up way to think, Sandra."

  "I never said it makes sense. It's just the way I feel."

  "Well, you know what I think? I think you need to call him, tell him you were wrong. You can go to him now. I'm feeling much better. You don't have to put your life on hold for me anymore."

  I break up the remainder of my food, throwing it out to the seagulls who squawk and fight each other for the best position. "It's not that easy, mum."

  "Why?"

  "Because it’s more complicated than just us.”

  “How?”

  “I was pre—” I stop talking and press my lips together, unsure about telling her about the baby. I’m afraid she’ll close up again, but at the same time, I need to tell someone. The loss has been eating me alive.

  “You were what?” She prods before her eyes widen and her hand flies to her mouth. “Pregnant?”

  Closing my eyes, I nod as tears spill down my cheeks. Mum reaches across the table and grabs my hands, holding them firmly in hers.

  “Oh, my sweet girl, you’ve been through so much. I’m so sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

  I pull a hand free and wipe my knuckles across my cheek as I inhale a shaky breath. “It’s OK, Mum. It’s just one of those shitty things about life, not all seeds grow.”

  “Is that what the ring is for? Was he going to marry you?”

  “It’s a promise ring. It was his grandmothers,” I sniff. “He thought proposing might seem hollow since he’s been engaged twice before, so we were taking things slow and deliberate, starting with a promise.” I lift my eyes to meet hers.

  “How far along were you?”

  “Ten weeks. I lost it a couple of days after Dad died.”

  “Oh, darling. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I know how much it hurts to lose a baby. Before I had you, I lost seven. That’s why you’re so precious. You’re the only one that stuck.”

  “I’ve been consoling myself with the thought that the baby is with Dad, so he gets to be a grandad in heaven.”

  She smiles and releases a small laugh. “And I’ll bet he’s loving that.”

  “I hope so. Although I hope it wasn’t too much of a shock for him, we were planning to talk to you about the baby and our plans, but then things changed.”

  She balances her chin on her palm, elbow on the table. “What were your plans?”

  “I was going to LA with him while he filmed his new movie. I could still work from there, so it made sense so we could be together.”

  “Would you have had the baby there?”

  “We were planning on coming back before my third trimester.”

  “Shame, we would have flown to LA to be with you. I’ve always wanted to go there.”

  Pressing my lips together, I shrug and try not to cry again. “Well, that was then. We broke up, and I told him to leave.”

  "Then tell him to come back," she states simply.

  “No. Things are better this way.”

  “For who? Certainly not you.”

  Throwing the last piece of food from my plate, I wipe my hands on the napkin and push away from the table. "Can we drop this please?"

  "If you really want to. But, it’s time for you to go out there and get your life back. I may have been struck down with grief of late, but that doesn't mean we have to live in a depressed state forever. It's time for both of us to get our lives back together, Sandra. It's what your father would have wanted."

  Sitting across from my mother, I look at her, wondering where all of this has come from. Yesterday, she was walking around in a daze and today she’s sounding like an inspirational quote book. It’s as if she flipped a switch on her grief and decided that enough was enough.

  "What happened between yesterday and today, mum? I'm not complaining. I’m glad you’re back. But you've gone from a shell to, well, you again."

  She reaches across the table and pats my hand, giving me a small smile. "Nothing changed, sweetheart. I simply woke up."

  “Lisa! Come on in,” my mother says kindly as she answers the front door herself. “Can I get you something to drink? Tea, coffee, water?”

  “Uh, no thanks, I'm fine,” Lisa says, looking at me strangely as Mum kneels down to hug and baby talk Perry, whose tail is wagging so happily I can barely see it.

  ‘Wow,’ Lisa mouths to me.

  In return I mouth, ‘I know!’

  “Can I take him outside?” Mum asks, and when Lisa tells her yes, she's outside in a flash, throwing a stick for Perry to chase and return.

 
“What happened?”

  “I have no idea. It's like she just woke up and decided she was done with grieving.”

  “Maybe she's in denial?” Lisa suggests.

  “No, she isn't. She's talking about Dad in the past tense and even mentions the circumstances surrounding his death at times. I think she's just hit the point where she's ready to put her life back together again.”

  “Wow, well, I'm glad. This has been a really hard time for the both of you. Maybe now you can both get on with your lives.”

  “Oh no, not you too,” I say, shaking my head as I place my hands on my hips.

  “What? I think you should call him.”

  “Lisa, I thought you of all people would support me on this. After what happened between the two of you, I'd have thought you'd tell me to be careful of him because he's such a player.”

  She shrugs and pulls one side of her mouth up in a slight smile. “Perhaps, but Marcus was a player too. Things are different now. And we aren't kids anymore. And well, when he spoke to me about you, I could tell that he meant it. He loves you, Sandra, for real, and I believe it when he says he's waiting for you too. You can tell he's changed by the way he is in his interviews. He believes in what's between you. Why don't you?”

  “For the exact reason you said. Because we're not little kids anymore, fairy tales aren’t real.”

  “I think you're being stubborn,” she argues.

  “I think I'm being sensible,” I counter, before heading outside to join my mother and Perry.

  Thirty-Seven

  Sandra

  Pushing me out the door, Mum blocks my re-entry with her body. “Go. I don’t want you here.”

  “Mum!”

  “You’ve been watching over me and worrying for too long. I’ve been functioning fine for a whole two months now, Sandra. I can be left on my own. Please, go and be a young woman. Go and have some fun,” she insists.

  “But…” I bite my lip, hesitating even when the cab beeps its horn angrily to remind me it’s here.

  “Leave,” Mum instructs with a laugh.

  I’m supposed to meet Lisa and her friends at Mary’s Underground where the indie rock band Matiari is playing tonight. It’ll be the first time I’ve been back there since I met Jonathan all those months ago, and I’m not sure I can face being somewhere I’m reminded of him. And even though Mum has been well this past two months, I’m nervous leaving her alone.

  “Why don’t you come? You like music,” I suggest, waving to the cabbie to let him know I’m coming.

  “Sweetheart, you don’t want your mother hanging around with you and your friends. Go. Have fun. I promise you, I’ll be fine. I’ll just watch a movie and get an early night. Stop worrying.”

  She pulls the screen door shut and locks me out, giving me a little finger wave through the mesh while she grins, looking very pleased with herself.

  “All right.” I laugh. “I’m going. But I won’t be late.”

  “Take your time,” she sing-songs, closing the main door and locking that shut too.

  Taking a deep breath, I go and get into the cab and give him the address to the venue. When I arrive, I head straight to the door where my name is on the list, and get let in without having to wait with everyone else. Just like last time.

  I pause for a moment, feeling my chest tighten as the memories revisit me—Jonathan and Lisa recognising each other, the fight to be the first out the door, the way he looked at me when we were talking outside… I think I loved him even then. I think I’ve always loved some version of him, as tragic as that sounds.

  Seeing Lisa waving at me from inside, I shake off the memories and push them away, trying to keep my regret over breaking up with Jonathan pushed to a dark corner of my mind. I miss him a lot. But, I know that what I did was right. I needed to grieve on my own, and I couldn’t do that while feeling responsible for him missing out on what would be the most exciting role of his career. Already, the buzz surrounding his performance is being hailed as award-winning work. He’s such a talented man. It would be wrong to rob the world of his talent.

  “Come on,” Lisa says, walking over to me and taking my hand. “Come and grab a seat. The show’s about to start.” She leads me to a large table and makes quick introductions of the couples who are sitting around it. I meet a tall blond couple named David and Katrina, a very muscular man named Elliot and his stunning, curvaceous wife, Paige. They’re introduced as friends of Naomi and Theo’s who I’ve met before during a music festival. They’re up on stage, the lead singer and violinist for Matiari, ready to start the show. I don’t get much of a chance to talk to anyone before they play their first song, but I’m promised the chance to talk later when we all go backstage.

  Backstage. It’s been so long since I’ve done this. I feel out of place.

  The lights go down and we’re treated to an hour and a half of Matiari’s sweet, folk-like sounds as they play their most popular songs as well as some of their new, never before heard work. Then as their final offering, they play the song that Lisa is best known for, Together We Are One.

  They put their own spin on it, singing it as a soulful duet that has Lisa almost crying with happiness as Marcus places his arm around her shoulder and smiles down at her, kissing her softly and nodding when she says something close to his ear which leads me to believe that he knew all about this surprise.

  Tears fill my eyes also, although it’s not for the same reason. Watching the loving gestures between Marcus and Lisa causes me to feel very alone, and as much as I’m happy that they found each other, I’m also jealous of what they have. Reaching out, I lift my wine and take a sip to cover my emotion, my eyes drifting around the table and noting all the couples, sitting close, reminding me I’m painfully alone.

  I drink slowly, until I once again have control, reminding myself that I chose this.

  I chose this.

  Suddenly, the crowd cheers, and I realise the band has finished playing. The lights brighten slightly, and the band members hand off their instruments to their stage hands, then step off the small stage to mingle in this intimate venue.

  “I think I’m going to get another drink,” I tell Lisa, standing from my seat.

  “I’ll come with you,” she offers but I shake my head.

  “No need. I’ll be fine.” I smile, picking up my bag and heading to the bar.

  “House white, please,” I ask the bartender when he asks for my order.

  “It’s on me,” a man says as he moves up to the bar beside me, and as he reaches out to pay, I turn and almost have a heart attack. Cooper. He looks so much like Jonathan it’s uncanny.

  “Thanks.” I swallow hard, forcing a smile as I turn to face him. “Fancy meeting you here.”

  “I’m with Jayden and Joel.” He gives me a wink then orders his own drink as well, pocketing his change as he hands me my wine.

  “Oh?” I look around, spotting them both sitting at a table chatting to a woman with dark hair cut to her shoulders. “Is that?”

  “Belle Adams? Yeah. We’re back on again. Seems there’s something to that decent guy routine Jon-o and Joel are into.”

  I drop my eyes and press my lips together. “How are you?” I ask, placing my wine on the bar to cover my shaking.

  “Sure you want to ask after me?” He lifts his brow, tipping his bottle back as he takes a drink, keeping his eyes on mine.

  “I think it’s better that way, don’t you?”

  He shrugs. “He’s not with anyone, you know. He promised to wait, and he is. And we’re all real sorry to hear about your dad…and the baby. Jon-o’s pretty fuckin’ wrecked over it.”

  “He is?”

  “Yeah. I reckon working on the movie is the only thing that’s getting him through the day.” He reaches out and takes my hand, thumb touching the ring I still wear. “He keeps his promises, Sandra.”

  “He doesn’t need to,” I whisper, pulling my hand away.

  “Yeah. That’s what I told him. It’s
been almost a year, and she hasn’t called.”

  “That’s because things are different now. I’m different.”

  “Then maybe you should tell him that. Otherwise he’s gonna wait on you forever.”

  I nod, fighting tears as I pick up my wine. “I should probably go. Thanks again for the drink.”

  “No problem. You can pay me back by putting my brother out of his misery.”

  Turning away, I practically run back to Lisa, my throat so tight I’m struggling to breathe.

  “Was that Cooper?” she asks, craning her neck to watch him walking back to the table.

  “Yeah.” I lower myself into my seat and drink wine like it’s cordial.

  “Are you OK?”

  Lifting one side of my mouth, I give her a half-smile. “I’m fine.”

  “You could call him you know. He wants you to.”

  “You’ve spoken to him?”

  “We had some joint assets that we needed to sort out. He’s been asking how you are.”

  “What have you been telling him?” I feel conspired against right now.

  “Nothing. I just told him you’re still taking care of your mum.” She links arms with mine and pulls me to stand before we head through with the rest of our group to the muted backstage area where there’s a private function room set up. There are maybe forty people in here, and although it’s quieter than the main area of the venue, with all these people it's still quite loud and you need to lean in to hear a little better.

  We head across the room to where everyone from the table is standing and chatting with Naomi and Theo. When we enter the conversation, they’re talking about pregnancy cravings.

  “I never had any cravings with my two,” the dark curly haired woman, I’d been introduced to as Paige says with a shake of her head.

  “Well, you had a bit of a craving,” her husband, Elliot counters.

  “I did not,” she argues with a frown, then he leans down and whispers something in her ear that makes her blush, and the entire group bursts into laughter as they realise that the craving was more of a carnal nature. Shaking her head, she slaps Elliot on his muscular arm and then rolls her eyes good-naturedly as he kisses her on the side of her head in amongst her wild curls.