Ogre, Ogre

by Piers Anthony

  Angry, Smash reached out with a gauntleted hand and caught hold of the offending fin. He heaved it out of the water.

  The creature turned out to be fishlike, with strong flukes and sharp teeth. "What are you?" Smash demanded, shaking it. The thing was heavy, but Smash had over half his ogre strength back now and was able to control his captive.

  "I'm a loan shark, idiot!" the fish responded, and Smash did not have the wit, until his Eye Queue jogged him snidely later, to marvel that a fish spoke human language. "Want to borrow anything? Prompt service, easy terms."

  "Don't do it!" John cried. "You borrow from one of them, it'll take an arm and a leg in return. That's how they live."

  "You have already borrowed part of my pole," Smash told the shark. "I figure you owe me. I'll take a fin and a fluke."

  "That's not the way it works!" the shark protested. "No one skins sharks!"

  "There is always a first time," Smash said. He had a fundamental understanding of this kind of dealing. He put his other hand on the thing's tail and began to pull.

  The shark struggled and grunted, but could not free itself. "What do you want?" it screamed. "I want to get out of this bog," Smash said. "I'll get you out!" The shark was quite accommodating, now that it was in a bad position. "Just let me go!"

  "Don't trust it any farther than you can throw it," John advised.

  Smash was not about to. He used one finger to poke a hole in the shark's green fin and passed Chem's rope through it. Then he heaved the creature forward. It landed with a dull muddy splash before the dugout, the rope pulling taut. "That's as far as I can throw it," Smash said.

  The shark tried to swim away, but as it moved, it hauled the boat along behind. It was not trustworthy, but it seemed to be seaworthy. Or bogworthy.

  "Now you can swim anywhere you want to, Sharky," Smash called to it. "But I'll loose the rope only when we reach the north edge of this bog."

  "Help! Help me, brothers!" the shark called to the other fins that circled near.

  "Are you helpless?" one called back. "In that case, I'll be happy to tear you apart."

  "Sharks never help each other," John remarked. "That's why they don't rule Xanth."

  "Ogres don't help each other, either," Smash said. "The same for most dragons." And he realized that he had suffered another fundamental revelation about the nature of power. Human beings helped each other, and thus had become a power in Xanth far beyond anything that could be accounted for by their size or individual magic.

  Meanwhile, the loan shark got the message. It was living on borrowed time, unless it moved. It thrust north, and the bog fairly whizzed by. Soon they were at the north bank.

  They climbed out, and Smash unthreaded the rope. The shark vanished instantly. No one sympathized with it; it had for once been treated as it treated others.

  But now the griffins came. Probably another shark had snitched, so the griffins had been alert for the party's arrival. Since the creatures probably intended no good, Smash stepped quickly across the firewall for a peek at that situation. He found himself in the middle of the forest fire. No hope there!

  The great bird-headed, lion-bodied creatures lined up, inspecting the motley group. The monsters were the color of shoe polish. Then they charged.

  Smash reacted automatically. He swung his pole, knocking the first griffin back. Then he dived across the firewall, ripped a burning sapling out of the ground, dived back, and hurled the flaming mass at the remaining griffins. The sapling was of firewood, which burned even when green; in a moment the wing feathers of the griffins were burning.

  The monsters squawked and hurled themselves into the bog to douse the flames. The colored fins of the sharks clustered close. "You're using our muck!" a shark cried. "You owe us a wing and a paw!"

  The griffins did not take kindly to this solicitation. A battle erupted. Muck, feathers, and pieces of fin flew outward, and the mud boiled.

  Smash and the girls walked northwestward, following the curve of the firewall, leaving the violence behind. The landscape was turning nicer, with occasional fruit and nut trees, so they could feed as they traveled.

  The Siren, rested by her tour in the boat and periodic dippings of her tail, found she could walk now. That lightened Smash's burden.

  There were birds here, flitting among the trees, picking at the trunks, scratching into the ground. The farther the party went, the more there were. Now and then, flocks darkened the sky. Not only were they becoming more numerous, they were getting larger.

  Then a flight of really large birds arrived--the fabulous rocs. These birds were so big they could pick up a medium sized dragon and fly with it. Was their intent friendly or hostile?

  A talking parrot dropped down. "Ho, strangers!" it hailed them "What melodies bring you to Birdland?"

  Smash looked at the parrot. It was all green and red, with a downcurving beak. "We only seek to pass through," he said. "We are going north."

  "You are going west," the bird said.

  So they were; the gradually curving firewall had turned them about They reoriented, bearing north.

  "Welcome to pass through Birdland," the parrot said. "There will be a twenty per cent poll tax. One of your number will have to stay here."

  "That isn't fair!" Tandy protested. "Each of us has her own business."

  "We are not concerned with fairness," the poll replied, while the horrendously huge rocs drifted lower, their enormous talons dangling. "We are concerned with need. We need people to cultivate our property so there will be more seeds for us to eat. So we hold a reasonable share of those who pass."

  "A share--for slavery?" Tandy demanded, her spunky spirit showing again.

  "Call it what you will. One of you will stay--or all will stay. The tax will be paid." And the rocs dropped lower yet. "Poll your number to determine the one."

  Smash knew it would be useless to fight. He might break the claws of one roc, but another would carry away the girls. The big birds had too much power. "We'll see," he said.

  Tandy turned on him. "We'll see! You mean you'll go along with this abomination?"

  "We don't have much choice," Smash said, his Eye Queue once again dominating his better ogre nature. "We'll just have to cross this land, then decide who will remain."

  "You traitor!" Tandy flared. "You coward!"

  The Siren tried to pacify her, but Tandy moved away, her face red and body stiff, and hurled an invisible tantrum at Smash. It struck him on the chest, and its impact was devastating. Smash staggered back, the wind knocked out of him. No wonder the goblin chief had fallen; those tantrums were potent!

  His head gradually cleared. Smash found himself sitting down, little clouds of confusion dissipating. Tandy was beside him, hugging him as well as she could with her small arms. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Smash. I shouldn't have done that! I know you're only trying to be reasonable."

  "Ogres aren't reasonable," he muttered.

  "It's just that--one of us--how can we ever callously throw one to the wolves? To the birds, I mean. It just isn't right!"

  "I don't know," he said. "We'll have to work it out."

  "I wish we had the wand," she said.

  The Siren came to them. "We do have the Ear," she reminded them.

  "There is that," Tandy agreed. "Let me hear it." She took the Gap Dragon's Ear and listened carefully. "Silent," she reported.

  Smash took it from her and listened. For him, too, it was silent. Chem had no better result. "I fear it has gone dead--or we have no future," she said. "Nowhere to go."

  John was the last to listen. Her face brightened. "I hear something!" she exclaimed. "Singing--fairies singing. There must be fairies nearby!"

  "Well, that's what you're looking for," the Siren said. "Let's see if they're within Birdland. Maybe we can get some advice on how to proceed."

  There seemed to be nothing better to do. Smash lurched to his feet, amazed at the potency of Tandy's tantrum; he still felt weak. An ogress could hardly have hit him harder! Ye
t more than that, he marveled at her quick reversal of mood. She had been almost savagely impetuous--then humanly sorry. Too bad, he mused, she hadn't been born an ogress. That tantrum--it also reminded him a bit of one of his mother's curses.

  He shook his head. Foolish fantasy was pointless. He had to clear his reeling noggin, and get moving, and find Tandy a good human-type husband so the demon wouldn't bother her any more. Good Magician Humfrey must have known that there would be a suitable man for her somewhere in this wilderness, a man she would never encounter unless she traveled here. Since Smash was passing this way anyway, it had been easy enough to take her along. The truth was, she was nice enough company, tiny and temperamental as she was. He had not had much company like that before and was becoming acclimated to it. He knew this was un-ogrish; maybe such ridiculous feelings would pass when he got rid of the Eye Queue curse.

  They proceeded on, following John, who used the Ear to orient on the fairies. The rocs paced them; they would not be able to depart Birdland without paying their poll toll. One body...

  Actually, Smash might have a way around that. If he went back into the gourd and fought the Night Stallion and lost, his soul would be forfeit pretty soon, and there would be no point in proceeding north. So in that event, he might as well stay here himself. The only problem was, how would the others survive without him? He had no confidence that they were beyond the worst of the dangers of central Xanth.

  As they continued, they saw more and more birds. Some were brightly plumed, some drab; some large, some small; some ferocious of aspect with huge and knifelike beaks, some meek with soft little feathers. There were bright bluebirds, dull blackbirds, and brightly dull spotted birds. There were fat round robins and thin pour-beakers.

  They went on. There were ruffled grouse, angrily complaining about things, godwits making profane jokes, sandpipers playing little fifes on the beach, black rails lying in parallel rows on the ground, oven birds doing the morning baking, mourning doves sobbing uncontrollably, goshawks staring with amazement, a crane hauling up loads of stones, and several big old red barn owls filled with hay. Nearby were grazing cowbirds and cattle egrets, and a catbird was stalking a titmouse, tail swishing.

  "Birds are funny folk," the Siren murmured. "I never realized there was so much variety."

  In due course they came to the palace of the Kingbird. "Better bow good and low," the parrot advised. "His Highness the Bird of a Feather, the ruler of Xanth, First on the Pecking Order, doesn't appreciate disrespect from inferiors."

  "Ruler of Xanth!" Chem cried. "What about the centaurs?"

  "What about King Trent?" Tandy asked.

  "Who?" the parrot asked.

  "The human ruler of Xanth, in Castle Roogna."

  "Never heard of him. The Kingbird governs."

  Smash realized that to the birds, the bird species dominated Xanth. To the goblins, the goblins governed. The same was probably true for the dragons, griffins, flies, and other species. And who could say they were wrong? Each species honored its own leaders. Smash, an ogre, was quite ready to be objective about the matter. When in Birdland, do as the birdbrains did.

  He bowed to the Kingbird, as he would have done to the human King of Xanth. To each his own mark of honor.

  The Kingbird was reading a tome titled Avion Artifacts by Omith O'Logy, and had no interest in the visitors. Soon Smash's party was on its way again.

  They came to a large field filled with pretty flowers. "These are our birdseed plants," the parrot explained. "We have wormfarms and fishfarms and funnybonefarms, and make periodic excursions to Flyland for game, but the bulk of our food comes from fields like this. We are not apt at cultivation--birdshot doesn't seem to do well for us--so we draw on the abilities of lesser creatures like yourselves."

  Indeed, Smash saw assorted creatures toiling in the field. There were a few goblins, an elf, a brownie, a gremlin, a nixie, and a sprite. They were obviously slaves, yet they seemed cheerful and healthy enough, acclimated to their lot.

  Then Smash had a notion. "John, listen to the Ear again."

  The fairy did so. "The waterfall noise almost drowns it out, but I think I hear the fairies close by." She oriented on the sound, going in the direction it got louder, the others following. They rounded a gentle hill, descended into a waterfall-fed gully, and came across the fairies.

  They were mending feathers. It seemed some of the birds were too impatient to wait for new feathers to grow, so they had the damaged ones repaired. Only fairies could do such delicate work. Each had a little table with tiny tools, so that the intricate work could be done. And most of them had damaged wings.

  "The birds--" Tandy said, appalled. "They crippled the fairies so they can't fly away!"

  "Not so," the parrot said. "We do not mutilate our workers, because then they get depressed and do a poor job. Rather, we offer sanctuary for those who are dissatisfied elsewhere. Most of these fairies were cast out of Fairyland."

  Tandy was suspicious. She approached the nearest working fairy. "Is this true?" she asked. "Do you like it here?"

  The fairy was a male, finely featured in the manner of his kind. He paused, looking up from his feather. "Oh, it's a living," he said. "Since I lost my wings, I couldn't make it in Fairyland. So I have to settle for what I can get. No monsters attack me here, no one teases me for my wing handicap, there's plenty of food, and the work is not arduous. I'd rather be flying, of course--but let's be realistic. Ill never fly again."

  Smash saw one fairy down the line with undamaged wings. "What about him?" he asked. "Why doesn't he fly away?"

  The fairy frowned. "He has a private complaint. Don't bother him."

  But Smash was in pursuit of his notion. "Would it relate to his name?"

  "Look," the fairy said, "we aren't trying to aggravate your condition, so why do you bother us? Leave him alone."

  John had caught on. "Oh, Smash--I'm afraid to ask!"

  "I'm an insensitive ogre," Smash said. "I'll ask." He tromped over to the fairy in question. "Me claim he name," he said in his stupid fashion.

  The fairy naturally assumed the ogre was as dull as he was supposed to be. It was all right to tell secrets to stupid folk, because they didn't know enough to laugh. "I am called Joan," he said. "Now go away, monster."

  Smash dropped his pretense. "That must be as embarrassing for you as intelligence is for an ogre," he said.

  Joan's eyes widened and his wings trembled, causing the cloud pattern on them to roil. "Yes," he agreed.

  Smash signaled to John. Diffidently, she approached. "Here is the one who got your name, or one letter of it," Smash said. "Trade him your H for his A, and both of you will be restored."

  The two fairies looked at each other. "Joan?" John asked. "John?" Joan asked.

  "I suspect the two of you are the same age, and took delivery of your names by the same carrier," Smash said. "Probably the Paste Orifice; it always gums things up. You should compare notes."

  Joan reached out and took John's hand. Smash was no proper judge of fairy appearance, but it seemed to him that Joan was quite a handsome young male of his kind, and John was certainly pretty, except for her lost wings. Here in Birdland that particular injury did not count for much.

  The two of them seemed almost to glow as their hands touched.

  Chem and Tandy and the Siren had joined Smash. "What is that?" Tandy asked. "Is something wrong?"

  "No," Chem said. "I've read of this effect, but never hoped to see it It's the glow of love at first touch."

  "Then--" Smash said, in a burst of realization that he had suppressed until this moment. "They were destined for each other. That's why their names were confused. To bring them eventually together."

  "Yes!" the centaur agreed. "I think John--I suppose it's Joan now--will be staying here in Birdland."

  So the fairy's solution was the group's solution! One of their number would remain--happily. How neatly it had worked out. But of course that was the way of destiny, which was never the
coincidence it seemed.

  They made their acknowledgments of parting and left their fairy friend to her happy fate. The birds, satisfied, let them go.

  Their best route north, the parrot assured them, was through the Water Wing. There were very few monsters there, and the distance to the northern border of Xanth was not great.

  They agreed to that route. They had already encountered more than enough monsters, and since the birds assured them there were no fires or earthquakes in the Water Wing, the trek should be easy enough. Besides, the Ear had the sound of rainfall, which suggested their immediate future.

  John/Joan hurried up as they were about to cross the border. "Here is a heat wave," she said. "My fiance had it for when he left Birdland, but now he won't be needing it. Just unwrap it when the time comes."

  "Thank you," Smash said. He took the heat wave. It seemed to be a wire curved in the shape of a wave, and was sealed in a transparent envelope.

  The girls hugged their friend good-bye, and Smash extended his littlest hamfinger so the fairy could shake hands with him Then they stepped across the border, braced for anything.

  Anything was what they got. They were in a drenchpour. Not for nothing was this called the Water Wing by the birds! There was ground underfoot, but it was hard to see because of the ceaseless blast of rain.

  Chem brought out her rope, and they tied themselves together again--centaur, Tandy, Siren, and ogre, sloshing north in a sloppy line. Smash had to breathe in through his clenched teeth to strain the water out. Fortunately, the water was not cold; this was a little like swimming.

  After an hour, they slogged uphill. The rain thinned as they climbed, but the air also cooled, so they did not gain much comfort. In due course the water turned to sleet, and then to snow.

  The poor girls were turning blue with cold. It was time for the heat wave. Smash unwrapped the wire. Immediately heat radiated out, suffusing the immediate region, bringing comfort to each of them. The fairy's present had been well considered, for all that it had been an accident of circumstance.

  Slowly the snow stopped falling, but the climb continued. This was a mountain they were on, blanketed with snow. By nightfall they still had not crested it, and had to camp on the slope.