by Kelly, A. S.
“You’re a doctor and you’re sitting here with me.”
“Because I’m not an arsehole with an oversized ego.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
“He doesn’t do it for your benefit, you know.”
“Don’t start…”
“Has he at least shagged you yet?”
“Martin!”
“He’s not gay by any chance?”
“God, no!”
He shrugs. “Just asking… I’m curious as to why he hasn’t laid a finger on you yet.”
I’m curious about that too, but I’m not going to mention it, or he’ll start another investigation on my life.
“He’s just not that kind of guy.”
“The kind that rips your clothes off on the first date?”
“Exactly.”
“Anyway, something doesn’t feel right.”
“He’s a serious guy who knows what he wants, and he doesn’t need to run after it. He takes his time, and that’s fine with me. He’s the ideal boyfriend.”
“On paper, maybe. But not in real life, honey.”
I glare at him.
“Okay, okay. I’ll mind my own business – but Casey, don’t dampen down who you are just because it seems like the right thing to do.”
“I’m not. I’ve just grown up, Martin. I’m done with being messed around.”
“But Nick O’Connor could mess you around, maybe even twice in one night…”
“Jesus, Martin!”
“Sorry, I can’t help it. You know it’s true…”
“I know, but please, don’t remind me.”
“Casey…” Martin’s tone becomes suddenly serious. “Are you sure you can do this?”
“Of course,” I say, trying to convince myself.
Martin sighs. “I really hope so, honey, because I don’t want you to get hurt,” he says, getting to his feet.
“No one is going to get hurt here, except you. If you keep talking about him, about his arse…”
“Got it, got it. I’m leaving. My break’s over. But this conversation isn’t.”
I never doubted it for a second. Martin gives me a wave and heads back onto the ward, as I take a few minutes before my next patient.
I look over at my surgeon, so proud and self-assured, chatting with his colleagues. He seems so confident in himself, a real man; I start to wonder why the hell he isn’t over here with me, taking a step forward and pushing our relationship to the next level. Why he hasn’t jumped on me yet – as Martin would say – and shown me how much he really wants me. Why he won’t sit with me in the cafeteria. Why he doesn’t make me laugh. Why, when he touches me, I don’t feel shivers creeping up my spine. Why he doesn’t look at me as if he wants to rip my clothes off.
Why he doesn’t make me happy.
Maybe he doesn’t like me enough. Maybe we’re just too different. Maybe he really is gay, and I’m just a cover-up. But he’s a good guy, well-esteemed at his job. He’s dedicated his life to other people, and always puts himself forward for the most difficult cases. He operates on sick kids, people that can’t take care of themselves. Often, he’s travelling to another country, where they don’t have the equipment or the funds to cure their patients – he sends those children, and their families, here, where he can take care of them. He does all the research, raises all the money.
I guess you could call him the perfect guy. At least, as Martin said, on paper. Because in my eyes, he’s starting to morph into a gaping dark hole – I’m starting to believe that there’s no right guy for me. Because the only man who’s right is also the biggest mistake I could make.
18
Nick
During the kids’ first break of the morning, I lay back on the stands, enjoying the clear skies and the summer sun in blissful silence. I’m distracted today – so much so that even some of the kids have noticed, and Jamie’s been shooting glances at me all morning. But I can’t do anything about it. I’m still lightheaded and overwhelmed by everything that’s been going on lately: seeing Casey, chatting as if nothing had ever happened. Accepting the uncomfortable distance between us, pretending that it doesn’t bother me. It’s been so long, I’ve been with loads of other women, and she…she’s had someone who hurt her, broke her heart. Left her behind.
Someone who definitely didn’t deserve her. Someone like yours truly.
I’m glad I never had to see any of it, because just seeing that preppy surgeon hanging around her makes me want to bring up my breakfast, lunch and dinner all at once. You can tell that they’re still in the honeymoon phase: I saw it in his leering gaze, and his slimy hands. All typical signs of someone who can’t wait to jump all over her, and I can’t help but itch to wring his neck. Just thinking about all the men who laid hands on her – and anyone who even thought about it, anyone who breathed within a fifty-metre radius of her – makes my blood boil.
“What are you doing there?”
Something blocks the sun from my face, forcing me to open my eyes.
“We’re on a break. I’m relaxing.”
“What, like you actually worked this morning?”
“I’m just tired.”
“Your head is somewhere else.”
“Maybe…”
Jamie sits down next to me, looking like someone who can’t wait to start digging around in your life and give you some wise old pieces of advice that seem to work for everyone but him.
“Problems at home? Is it your dad?”
“That’s all fine, more or less. He’s just started physiotherapy for his knee, and that’s already something.”
“Who’s the physio?” he asks. But his question seems pointless, as if he already knows the answer.
“A physio that Martin recommended to us, she works in the hospital with him.”
“Ah, Ryan’s favourite little doctor.”
I laugh. “Yep, him.”
“How come you didn’t use one of the physios from the centre here? We have the best of the best, and you know they’d have done it for you.”
“Dad didn’t want a stranger in the house, and he already knows this girl.”
“Interesting…”
“It’s an old friend.”
“Whose friend?”
“Everyone’s.”
“That sounds really bad, mate.”
I suddenly jump up without realising.
“Oh… Okay, now I get it.”
“What? No!”
“One of your old flames?”
“I never said that.”
“A fuck buddy?”
“Jesus, no!”
“So it must’ve been someone important.”
“It was nothing.”
“To you? Or to both of you?”
“She’s never told me otherwise.”
“But she’s a woman. And you’re…you.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“That she’s smart and probably in love with you, and she knew who she was dealing with.”
“I’m sure if she really felt something, she’d have told me. There have never been any lies between us.”
“Maybe she didn’t want to risk what you had.”
I see where he’s coming from, but Casey isn’t like that. Casey looks you in the eye and tells you the truth. Like me, she never liked secrets, and that’s why we worked so well together.
So why do I feel like this? Why is something churning around in my stomach, threatening to climb up to that useless organ in my chest, that I’m no longer capable of using? Why am I so unsure that I made the right choice?
Why do I feel so guilty whenever I’m next to her?
“Did seeing her again stir something up inside you, by any chance?”
“That’s bullshit.”
“I’m just saying what I see, Nick.”
“And what do you reckon you’re seeing?”
“An overgrown thirty-three-year-old kid who never grew up, with a huge ego and a te
ndency to open his big mouth just when he shouldn’t.”
“You’re no better than me.”
“Maybe…but I’m happy with myself.”
“So am I.”
“So why are we talking about it, then?”
“I didn’t want to talk about it! You’re the one who came and started pissing me off.”
Jamie stands up. “Well, if you don’t need me, I’ll get back to the kids,” he says, heading down the stairs.
“I left her behind,” I say, before he reaches the last step.
Jamie turns slowly and stands there, listening.
“I just…left. I told her I’d come back. And I didn’t.”
“And you can’t forgive yourself.”
There’s the problem. Jamie jumps in and gets straight to the point, making me finally pay attention to everything I’m thinking but I don’t want to say.
I lied to her. And I’ll never forgive myself for it.
When I saw her again, when I spoke to her, brushed against her… I felt that same old feeling, the one that tormented me every time we were close and every time we were far apart. It was the same feeling even at the thought of her, alone at night in my bed: that feeling that I would slip over the edge of the deepest abyss if I spent even another minute away from her mouth. When I felt that familiar chasm under my feet, I started to realise that I may have made a huge mistake: that I didn’t know how to appreciate what I had. That I had left behind the best thing that had ever happened to me, something perfect, important and irreplaceable.
Something that no one else could ever give me.
The two of us.
But I know now, just as I knew back then, that there is no us for me and Casey. There’s just Nick and just Casey, and that’s how it has to stay: suspended in mid-air, with no chance of grabbing onto each other.
“Did you not even try?” Jamie asks, coming back up the stairs to sit next to me.
“I went to play in New Zealand, and she stayed here.”
“Did you ask her to go with you?”
“She was nineteen, Jamie. She was studying medicine. She wanted to become a doctor, to save lives. I didn’t even know where I was going to be for the next season.”
“And you made her believe that you went away for yourself.”
“I did go for myself.”
Jamie looks at me seriously. He studies my expression, my eyes. He’s probably counting the droplets of sweat beading down my forehead.
“You did it for her.”
“Don’t bullshit.”
“Don’t give me that, O’Connor. I’m too smart for you.”
“Fuck off Jamie. I don’t even know why I’m talking to you about this.”
“What was it? Did you not think you’d be enough for her? Were you the bad boy that would’ve changed her? Are you hiding some sort of terrible secret that could’ve torn you two apart forever?”
I close my eyes and Jamie stops in his tracks.
“Nick…”
“You know what I’m like. I’m a nomad. I never stay in the same place for more than a few months. I don’t even know what I’m going to do next week after this summer camp is over.”
“But you’re here now. You’re back.”
I shake my head.
“Does that mean you’re not going to stick around this time, either?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do yet – that’s the point. I don’t know what to do. I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m not…I’m not a future.”
“Does it scare you?”
“Mmm?”
“Trying. Risking everything.”
“Scared? Me? Don’t be stupid. It’s just too complicated.”
“It’s never a walk in the park, Nick. But look at Ryan.”
“Ryan got really lucky.”
“Maybe, but it definitely wasn’t easy for him to open up to Chris, to Evan…”
“I’m not Ryan.”
“No, you’re not.”
“And I’m not you, either. You always know what to say, what to do.”
“That’s not entirely true, but you’ve made your point.”
“I’m not—”
“Instead of thinking about what you’re not, why don’t you concentrate on what you are?”
“What do you mean?”
Jamie smiles at me mischievously. “You’re Nick. And do you know the only thing that matters? What you want – and what you can do to get it.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“Then find out. Run, Nick. Don’t stop. Dodge the tackles, pass the opponents and head straight for the try zone.”
19
Nick
That Saturday morning – the first day I’m finally free from the kids’ summer camp – I go to Chris’ café, the Red Cherry, for breakfast.
“Morning!” Chris greets me, lifting her gaze from the table where Ryan and Evan are sat.
“I’m going to call ahead next time and make sure that your little boys aren’t here,” I say, before bending to kiss her on the cheek.
“Do you have to?” Ryan says right away.
Things are going much better between us. He’s not trying to kill me anymore, and he doesn’t mind me being close to his girlfriend. I can understand him though: it’s hard to forget the past sometimes, and what I did will always be a weight on our shoulders, but I care about Chris, and I’m not going to stay away from her just to make him feel better. Besides, I want to be part of the family – the whole family – and sooner or later Ryan will forgive me. I’m definitely not going to be the one to give in first.
I sit down with them and Evan closes the book in front of him.
“What’s going on?”
“Evan’s studying for his exams.”
“I’ll never get it!” He crosses his arms.
“You’re so melodramatic! Instead of complaining, why don’t you get your head stuck in that fucking book and just get on with it,” Ryan criticises.
Evan’s just graduated secondary school. Next week he has his entrance exams, and then he’ll find out if he has enough points to get into university. He’s applied for UCD in the hope that he’ll be able to train in their team at the centre. The boy’s worked hard, even though it’s still early days; he’s quick, with long legs and an innate ability for sport. It would be a shame to waste his talents. Unfortunately, though, to get into UCD, he needs a really high mark, or he’ll have to find another club to train at, which probably won’t be as good.
“Come on, it’s not so bad,” I say, trying to lift his spirits. “They’re only a few exams, right?”
“Exams that I’m going to fail!”
Ryan shakes his head and stands up. “I’m going to get another coffee – we’ll be here for a while.”
“Can you grab one for me, too?” I ask.
“Fuck yourself,” is his delightful response.
“I’ll bring you one,” Chris says, placing a hand on my arm. “And I’ll make you a full Irish as well.”
“Thanks, Chris. Please, never start acting like him.”
Chris laughs and goes to join her beloved Ryan behind the counter, as I stay with Evan.
“What’s the problem?”
“I don’t know. I was never that bad at school, my marks were always alright, but…”
“You feel like you’re under loads of pressure?”
“Maybe a bit. I don’t want to let anyone down.”
“By ‘anyone’, do you mean Ryan?”
He glances at me.
“With all the stupid shit he’s done in his life? Trust me, you could never be worse than him.”
“But I care about it, I really do. I didn’t think I’d care so much. Until a few months ago, I didn’t even think I’d go to university, but now…”
I put a hand on his shoulder.
“Would you mind giving me a hand?” he asks.
“M-me?”
He nods.
“I don’t really think I’m
the right person.”
“Please! Mum’s not exactly Einstein, and Ryan just screams at me and gets all pissed off.”
“I’d like to, really I would, but…”
He shakes his head, annoyed. “Okay, I get it. Don’t worry.” He opens his book again and slumps his elbows on the table.
“I can’t,” I tell him quietly.
He glances up at me.
“I’m not good.”
“What do you mean?” Evan looks at me, waiting for me to go on, but I don’t know if I really want to. I don’t like talking about certain things, and I’m not crazy about people knowing things about me – about my life – that could come back to haunt me.
“I wasn’t good at school. I had a few problems.”
“Were they serious?” Evan looks right at me, worried.
“I was kept behind a few years.”
“What happened? Did you fail your exams?”
I shake my head. “I missed a lot of school for…physical reasons.”
Evan scrutinises my expression.
“Then when I came back, I wasn’t the same. My head wasn’t in it, I couldn’t be bothered… I had no motivation. I couldn’t work hard anymore, and being surrounded by a class full of people younger than me didn’t help. I tried for a while, but I couldn’t be how I was, or how they expected me to be. So I got angry and dedicated myself to other things, like being the class clown. I guess it was to let out my frustration, but also because it was the only thing I was good at. I was the class dickhead.”
“And you still are,” Ryan pipes up behind me, before sitting with us.
I look at him for a moment, unsure whether or not to carry on. It’s embarrassing to talk about this in front of him, because Ryan is…well, Ryan. And I’m just Nick. I’ve always felt uncomfortable around him, even though Ryan never used my problems to take the piss out of me. But I still feel inferior, like I’m the younger brother. I feel like I could never be a good example for him, inspire him. I never felt like someone he’d look up to.
When Ian arrived, I was scared that Ryan would cling onto him instead, start seeing him as his hero. So I tried to get between them, excluding Ryan because I was afraid that he’d start to exclude me. I know, it was a shitty thing to do, but that was my first reaction. I was scared of losing him, losing his admiration. But Ian wasn’t like that: Ian united us, made us close in a way we never thought was possible. He made us whole. And I was about to ruin everything.