by Kelly, A. S.
If Ryan didn’t have that huge heart of his, I wouldn’t be here today, eating in his girlfriend’s café, chatting to Evan. I wouldn’t feel like I was part of them.
“It took a while for me to graduate.”
“Oh,” Evan’s surprised.
“I didn’t get into university.”
Saying it, even now, evokes the same feeling: that I was a failure, someone who was only capable of prancing around a beach with his arse on display.
“You didn’t pass your exams?”
“I passed them, but badly.”
“So no rugby team.”
“Nick had to work harder than everyone,” Ryan interjects, his tone serious now. “He didn’t go to UCD or to the centre, so he had to start in other, smaller teams. He slowly got better and better as a player, then earned his place.”
“But not in the team,” I say, sadly.
It’s something that has always weighed on me. That feeling of failure, of never reaching the same level as my brothers.
Ian’s the cleverest of us all. For him, winning was a challenge, at all costs. After his shitty childhood, he only started to believe in himself when he turned up in our family, at the age of fifteen. I was the one who brought him home. His mother abandoned him; we played together in the school team and one day, after training, I found him under the bleachers, hiding from the rain. I took him back to our house, and my parents really took his situation to heart. He stayed with us for a few days while my dad did some research, trying to track down Ian’s mother. When he met her, he decided that Ian should stay with us indefinitely. They adopted him when he was sixteen, and even now, Ian has always felt that he has to prove his worth to everyone, excelling both in school and out on the field.
Ryan was bright, but focused on rugby and on his social life. He worked really hard for his place on the team, and when he got it, he threw it all away. The girl that he was supposed to marry left him at the altar. She just never showed up, and turned Ryan’s whole world upside-down. So I decided to get involved and ended up sleeping with her – we were both drunk and upset, and it happened, even though neither of us can remember it. Ryan gave up his position on the team and left. But now he has the chance to try again, and he’s doing even better than before.
As for me, I’m still the same old Nick. The dickhead. The one who couldn’t even get into university. The one who never got a place on the team. The one who decided to become a model because he wasn’t even that good as a player. The one who’s now teaching at a kids’ summer camp. The one who’s not good at anything. The one with no future.
The one who’s stayed behind.
“I’m sorry, Nick,” Evan says, his tone sincere.
“Oh, come on, mate. Look at me: nothing can get me down!” I try to sound convincing, but I feel Ryan’s hand squeezing my shoulder affectionately. That one little gesture is all I need to realise that, in the end, despite all my bullshit, there is something good in my life.
Something that will always be there, even though I tried to push it away.
Something that’s always with me, that I have no intention of losing again.
20
Casey
I put down my phone and turn to see my dad standing proudly in front of me, wearing his best suit. It’s actually a few years old, but thanks to his athletic physique, it still fits him perfectly.
“What do you think?” he asks, stretching out his arms.
“Wow! You look so handsome.”
My dad mumbles something that I don’t quite catch, but I know that he’s embarrassed.
“What’s the big makeover for?”
He scratches his head with one hand and says quietly: “I have this thing.”
“A thing?”
“With a…woman.”
“Oh,” I say, a little shocked.
“Don’t say anything,” he stops me.
“I’m just…I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”
“You’re always telling me I should get out more…”
“Of course, and I’m happy you’ve finally listened to me – you just took me by surprise.”
“Do I look lame?”
“Absolutely not. You look amazing.”
Dad smiles, embarrassed again.
“So, who’s the lucky lady?”
“Mrs Reynolds.”
“Our neighbour?”
He shrugs.
“I was wondering why we had all those homemade cakes and biscuits lying around the house,” I say, as he blushes violently.
Mrs Reynolds is one of our neighbours, a kind, polite woman in her early fifties. From what I know, she was widowed when she was very young and never had any children, so she lives on her own in a big house a few metres from ours. I’ve caught them chatting over the garden hedges for months now, as awkwardly as two teenagers with a crush on each other, but I was starting to believe my dad would never take it any further.
“Is that okay?”
“Are you kidding?”
“It’s not weird?”
“Absolutely not! It’s fantastic. So when’s the big date?”
“Tonight. Cinema then dinner.”
My dad’s life is honestly more exciting than mine right now.
“What’s up? You don’t look very happy.”
“No, Dad, of course I am! I was just on the phone to Mrs O’Connor. Her husband has a check-up visit tomorrow so he won’t be able to do his physio. She asked me if I could come over today instead, so that he doesn’t fall behind on his progress.”
“You deserve a nice night out, too. What is it – does the nurse have other plans?”
“The doctor,” I correct him. “And he’s working.”
Dad scoffs. “I already don’t like the fact you’re going out with him, but if he starts to stand you up before you’ve even…”
“He’s not standing me up,” I cut him off. “Besides, we’ve only been going out for a few weeks. It’s nothing serious yet.”
“And I hope it never is.”
Apparently my dad has decided to join forces with Martin in sabotaging my love life.
“You deserve better than someone who puts his work before you,” Dad concludes, before heading back into his room.
I go up to my apartment to get ready for work, Dad’s words flying around my mind, colliding with a niggling thought that seems to be growing bigger and bigger inside me, suffocating me – but, at the same time, it’s teaching my heart to beat again.
* * *
Chris opens the door, welcoming me with a huge smile. “Hey, Casey! Come in.”
She lets me in and leads me into the living room, where Mrs O’Connor comes right over to us.
“There you are, dear. We were just putting the kettle on – do you want a cup of tea?”
“I’d love one, thanks.”
“I’ll have a beer, actually.” Evan – Chris and Martin’s son – appears in the living room, covered in mud and grass stains.
“Evan, what happened?”
“I was teaching Ryan a lesson in the garden.”
“You wish!” Ryan appears too, in more or less the same condition as Evan. “We were just throwing a few balls.”
“I can see,” Chris says, letting her eyes slide over Ryan’s abs. I have to admit, I threw a few glances at them, too. Well, more than a few. Jesus, how could I not?
Ryan’s aged a little too well. I don’t remember him being like this – I had no idea about all those muscles, those veins… I suddenly tear my gaze away as soon as I realise that my thoughts could have me drooling in the middle of the O’Connors’ living room. Besides, it’s not nice to stare at someone else’s boyfriend: especially when Chris seems ready to claw out the eyes of anyone who even glances at him. But Ryan is… Jesus Christ, he’s made of marble.
“And Evan, nice try.”
“But when we’re home alone, me and Ryan always have a beer together.”
“What?” Chris shoots daggers at Ryan.
“And you believed him? He’s seventeen, Ryan, he’d sell his own mother to get what he wanted.”
“Come on, I’d never sell you. Dad, on the other hand…”
I bust out laughing at this unlikely, surreal scene. It’s strange to see Chris and Evan in the O’Connors’ house, knowing that Ryan lives with them, bringing up Martin’s son… I’ve known Chris and Evan for a few years, back when I started working in the hospital. Chris is incredible: she’s funny and spontaneous, and you can’t help but love her. Evan was just a kid, but now he’s growing into a man. He’s a good-looking guy, and I’m sure he’s already broken a few hearts. Well, I guess it’s no surprise: Chris is beautiful, and Martin’s drop-dead gorgeous.
“Here we go,” Mrs O’Connor comes back into the living room carrying my cup of tea, stopping the argument in its tracks. Chris gestures to Ryan and Evan that their discussion isn’t over, but neither of them seem too concerned.
“Where’s Mr O’Connor?” I ask, realising he’s not in the room.
“He’s out in the garden getting some sun. I’ve told him you’re here, he’ll come and join us in a minute.”
It’ll do him a world of good being outside in the fresh air, and there’s no reason to hurry our appointment along.
“Let’s all go through to the garden,” Chris says. “It’d be a shame to waste the sun, standing inside like this.”
“Why not,” agrees Mrs O’Connor. “Unless you have plans later, Casey?”
“I’m free all evening, it’s no problem.”
“Oh, wonderful!” Mrs O’Connor seems overly enthusiastic at the idea of a twenty-seven-year-old woman with a surgeon boyfriend who has nothing to do on a Sunday evening.
We go through to the back garden, where a little table and some chairs are sitting on the patio. We sit down as Ryan and Evan go back to playing – or, should I say, wrestling – on the lawn, a few metres from Mr O’Connor, who seems quite content to just be outside with his family.
I watch them, amused, as I lose myself in Chris and Karen’s conversation about the baby, about Evan’s exams, about the café. The two of them are so close, so united: just as it should be in a family.
And I find myself feeling strangely bitter about something that could also have been part of my life; but it was always only a dream, stupid and immature. I burned that dream a long time ago, along with all my memories, my emotions, my tears. Along with my heart, the same day that Nick walked away from me without ever looking back.
21
Nick
When Mum opens the door, I storm past her wordlessly and look around, worried.
“What’s happened?”
“What’s up, honey?” Mum closes the door and looks at me, her head tilted.
“What was the emergency? Is Dad okay?”
“Your dad’s in the garden.”
Without hearing the rest of her explanation, I head straight for the kitchen to go through to the garden. As I come down the steps, I stop, shocked by the scene in front of my eyes.
Ryan and Evan are wrestling, trying to turf up my parents’ lawn; my dad is on a sunbed, laughing at his son and his adopted grandson. Chris is sitting on the patio, deep in conversation with the last person I expected to find here, on a Sunday, with my family. Just looking at her, talking to Chris as if she’s known her forever, with the sun lighting up her face and her shoulders – why, with skin as perfect as hers, would she not use sun cream? – with that never-ending smile on her lips, that not even the biggest arsehole – which, to clarify, is me – could dim down. She’s so confident, so sure of her place in the world – which couldn’t be anywhere but my house – and I realise that, maybe, the only person that was missing in this family has finally come home.
I’ve come home.
“You couldn’t miss a nice day like this,” Mum says from behind me. “And you also couldn’t miss such an important occasion.”
I turn to her. “Occasion?”
She smiles knowingly at me, then loudly announces: “Nick, what a nice surprise!”
What?
“We weren’t expecting you.”
Is she seriously doing this? Is Mum playing matchmaker with my life?
Casey turns straight away to look at me, and I realise from her expression that she definitely did not expect to find me here.
“H-hey, everyone,” I say, feeling suddenly awkward, as Ryan and his new sidekick burst out laughing a few metres away from me.
“Finally, Nick,” Dad intervenes; and from his I’ll handle it from here tone, I realise that this is going to be a really long, shitty Sunday. And it’s all because of yours truly.
“We thought you weren’t coming. Casey’s already been here for a while.”
I hear the distinct sound of someone spitting out their drink, followed by a fit of coughs, but I don’t turn to see who the culprit is.
Dad gets up and approaches me. “Someone in this family has to start getting things done. It’d be nice to have at least one wedding by the end of this year, don’t you think?” he says, smugly.
“I-I…I don’t…”
“Maybe you should set a good example.”
“E-example?”
Dad smiles triumphantly. “You’re the eldest, right? Maybe if you decided to get married first, your brothers would follow suit.”
Okay, usually I’d let it slide, but this… I can’t let him believe that there’s something going on between Casey and me.
“Dad,” I start, gently. “Me and Casey—”
“I know.”
“She’s not part of the family – you know that, right?” I say, trying to be delicate but, at the same time, get straight to the point.
He looks at me for a few moments.
“Oh, Nick. Still the same old idiot as always,” he says, before moving past me with his crutches and heading inside, leaving me speechless.
* * *
After that embarrassing episode, Casey and my dad decide to focus on his physio, as I sit outside with a drink, watching Ryan and Evan try to pull each other to the ground.
Chris comes and sits down next to me.
“She doesn’t know, does she?”
“That bastard.”
Chris squeezes my arm affectionately. “Don’t be annoyed at him. He only told me because he was worried about you.”
“Sure.”
“He’s always worried about you.”
I scoff nervously. I hate talking about this. Ryan should never worry about me: I’m the big brother, I should be the one standing behind him, making sure nothing happens to him and he doesn’t get into trouble. Besides, after what I did, I don’t deserve his affection.
I don’t deserve it. Just like I don’t deserve a fucking fraction of what I have. Just like I didn’t deserve her and never will, not with all the determination in the world.
“You know that you’re his hero, right?”
“Me? Maybe Ian, okay, but definitely not me.”
“Oh, Nick. Why don’t you just let people see you for who you are?”
“I do. I’m always myself.”
“Mmm… And does she see you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve seen the way you look at her, the way you reacted when you saw her here, in your parents’ house.”
“I was just surprised.”
“Have you never spoken to her about it?”
I shrug.
“Was it serious between you two?”
“It was nothing.”
“Okay. So why are you so shocked?”
“I’m not. It’s just that…”
“That she’s your her.”
I shake my head, and she leans closer to me.
“Ryan couldn’t ever move past it. He didn’t want to accept it, and tried everything to forget it. He tried to destroy everything with his bare hands.”
“Ryan only reasons with his muscles. He takes everythi
ng so personally. He’s…pathetic.”
“No. He’s human.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. He’s come straight from hell – you shouldn’t be with him, and you shouldn’t let your son near him, and you shouldn’t—”
Chris puts her hand on my arm, stopping my monologue, and I instinctively check whether or not Ryan is watching us – I’ll be buried right there in my parents’ garden if he is.
“It isn’t easy to accept when someone means so much to you that it makes you forget who you are, what you want. It makes you hold back what you think because you believe it’s best for them.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jesus Christ, Ryan. Can’t you mind your own business? Do I have to explain to you that being with someone doesn’t mean you have to tell them all your dirty family secrets?
“Is that what happened?” Chris asks, kindly.
Okay. Now I’m starting to understand why Ryan loves this woman. She always knows just what to say to bring you to your knees.
“I don’t…”
“There he is,” Chris says, smiling warmly. “There’s our Nick,” she continues, and as I look suddenly up at her, something inside me starts to move so quickly that it collides into my heart.
How could I have been such an idiot? How could I have lied for so long? Pretended that I didn’t turn my back on the only good thing in my life?
How could I pretend that wasn’t Casey?
She is the only good thing in my life.
“Now you just need to let her find out.”
“I don’t get it…”
“You don’t have to get it, Nick. Someone else has to – and I’m sure you know how to tell her.”
“How? I don’t know how to be different. I’ve always been like this. I can’t change. I have nothing to…give.”
“You don’t have to, Nick. There’s no need. You’re Nick, and she knows that. You just need to love yourself a little more, in a way that lets her love you too. And I’m sure that you have everything to give: and she’s ready to take it.”