“Everything alright?” I asked. “Do you smell sex on your wife?” I couldn’t believe what he was doing, not really understanding how much I hated feeling jealous, yet to see him in the same state was a complete turn on. He shot me a look that gave me goosebumps.
“I’d better not, since I haven’t been with my wife all week.” I waited patiently while he explored my thighs and every place in between, exhaling on my most sensitive areas with his hot, silky breath. With almost no effort at all, Rafa set every single nerve ending below my waist on fire. I squirmed under his gaze, my need for his touch growing exponentially by the minute, but he just wouldn’t give it to me. Whatever had come over him at first had been too much, but now he was holding everything back. Forgetting myself, I reached up and found my nipples, then stopped abruptly before he could see.
“Delicious,” he said, coming back up. “You smell like you, but it’ll be even better when you smell like me.” He ran the back of his hand along the sensitive skin of my inner thigh and smiled when I responded to his touch. “Do it. Why did you stop?”
“You’re angry,” I said, ignoring his question.
“At him, not you.”
“That’s not true. Deep down you’re mad at me for leaving and letting him get close.” Craving the sensation of his naked body on mine, I began to unbutton his shirt, kissing and licking every inch of his chest as I exposed it. “It doesn’t have to make sense.” My fingertips brushed against something unusual, a beaded necklace I presumed, but having seen something similar on Achille, I had a good idea of what it was and left it alone. I ran my hands down his chest and slid my hands inside his clothes, around the warm, baby soft skin of his muscled back. It was interesting how I always ended up naked way before he did. Rafa was good at getting me undressed so fast I barely even noticed.
“The same way you’re jealous of that woman, even though it makes no sense,” he said.
“So tell me about her, and maybe it’ll go away.” I ran my hands up and down his back, just barely scratching his skin with my nails.
“It won’t.” He pursed his lips into a thin line and attempted to distract me by analyzing my perfectly legitimate questions to death. “What you’re doing is called rumination, and dwelling on it makes it worse. You have to replace it with another thought.”
“Don’t give me any of that scientific bullshit, Rafa,” I demanded, digging my nails in a little more. I could tell he was about to continue along those lines, but before he could say anything else he winced in pain, sending my already frayed nerves into overdrive.
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” I slid my hands out of his shirt, feeling guilty for getting carried away.
“No,” he said, recovering quickly. “It was just a stomach cramp. It’s gone.” I made him sit up with me, but once I was certain he was alright, I waited, undeterred. I’d seen it all from the outside, but I had to know what it was like for him. It was the missing piece of information that would help me make sense of it all, to understand how he could resist such temptation day after day, and why he wanted to.
“Fine,” he began. He was gentle, brandishing his words carefully as if they were dangerous weapons. “She was attractive. Her breasts were nice, but not as pretty as yours.” He traced the shape of a heart around one of my nipples and continued. “She offered to go down on me, which I refused. I didn’t enjoy the kiss or the way she climbed on top of me uninvited, and I would never have allowed it if I wasn’t in such a confused state.” He stared at me, then continued once he was sure he should. “And I’m not answering the other question, because I don’t know.”
My heart skipped a beat when he said it, but the relief was immense. She had wanted him, and if he’d lied it would have been worse. The thought of her on him made me want to vomit. “I would have done something horrible to her,” I whimpered. “Mauricio wasn’t wrong about that.”
“I’m sorry, mamita,” he said, his arms around me now in the center of our bed. His embrace felt so good, so safe, in spite of the approaching thunderstorm I heard in the distance. “But it’s absurd that you think I’d ever want anyone but you. Don’t you know what you did to me that first night, when you looked over your shoulder and destroyed me without a single word? I came to you like a pathetic beggar and prostrated myself at your feet. That’s never happened with anyone else, and it never will. I love you more than my own life.” He kissed my hair and the side of my face over and over, as if to punctuate his words.
“I should hate her for what she did to you,” I whispered, fighting back tears, “but deep down it’s because she got so close.” I remembered how he looked even more handsome than usual that night, probably because seeing him kiss another woman created a strange disconnect, as if he weren’t my Rafa, but another person entirely. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing,” he said. “Sexual jealousy is an evolutionary instinct. It has to do with reproduction. Males want to make sure the babies are theirs, and females want to make sure the father stays to raise and protect them.”
“Yes, that must be it,” I said, wiping away a tear. I was about to tell him how much I wanted to have his baby when he made another noise like before. I pulled away from him to see what was wrong.
“Just another cramp. I know why I’m getting them. I’m fine, I promise.” Rafa’s voice turned down to a whisper, a private confession just for me. I watched his shapely, sensuous lips move, but I already knew what he was going to say. His beautiful face twisted in pain at the mere thought of Achille’s intentions. “Amada, what I did, it wasn’t just so we could get out unnoticed. Of course I was afraid he’d force himself on you, but my deepest fear was . . . that he wouldn’t have to. If he’d taken you to Haiti, with enough time, you might have seen something in him. He made it clear he wants you, and after you thought I’d been with another woman, you were hurt enough to consider it. I’m right, aren’t I?” I wanted to deny it, but we’d been so honest with one another I didn’t have the heart to ruin it now.
“I thought you didn’t love me anymore, so I listened. I was heartbroken, and he was there. That’s it. He asked to come inside my room the first night, but I didn’t let him.”
“What did he say?”
“Whatever he thought would work. He said we’d travel the world together, not just spend our Saturday nights at a Miami nightclub. He kept comparing himself to you, trying to prove he was better. Exactly what you’d expect.” I stopped right there, hoping it would be enough to satisfy him. “That was it,” I said, but I was lying and he knew it.
“What else?” He was irate and trying to hide his discomfort so that I’d keep talking, but it was clear as day.
“He said you’d never stop chasing women because it’s in your nature, and that he’d wait for me to get over you because he knows a woman like me doesn’t come easily.” I hesitated, but I knew he wouldn’t let it go, so I just blurted it out. “And then he said we could explore my deepest sexual fantasies together. No guilt.”
“That bastard said what?” Oh no. Before it was out of my mouth I regretted it.
“Rafa, it’s over, let it go—” I begged.
“Fuck no.” Rafa shifted his position, moving awkwardly as if he didn’t know what to do with himself. “How would he know what your fantasies are?”
“I don’t think it mattered to him what they were, but when he asked, I thought about one I used to have. It just popped into my head, and he read my mind.” Rafa’s jaw dropped in an expression of pure shock, even more so than the day he found the drawer of sex toys in my bedroom.
“Tell me what it was.”
“I can’t—”
“Right now, Amada.”
“You already know. You sensed it the night we sat for Piraña.” Looking far too smug, he replayed the events of that evening over in his mind, then realized what I was talking about.
“You want someone to watch while we make love, don’t you?” he said seductively. “Why did you deny it?”
“You can be so possessive, and you kept saying there was no way you’d ever let another man see me naked. You only said yes after you knew he wouldn’t be thinking of me in sexual terms, so I figured why tell you if you’d never allow it.”
“Oh,” he said dropping down to his side on one elbow. “Mamita, it’s my job to make you happy. You have to share these things with me.” He regarded me a moment, deep in thought. “What about on the ship? That morning out on the balcony, I would have, but you insisted we go back inside.”
“I’m not sure how I want it to go,” I said, “but that would have been too much. I don’t want it to feel like we’re putting on a show.”
“A man? A woman? Both?” I was amazed he was contemplating my request so readily, although I’d already learned he was such a complex man it was impossible to predict what he’d do, especially in matters of love and sex. I shrugged my shoulders.
“I don’t want either of us to be with anyone else, but they have to desire me, too, not just you.” He stroked my thigh pensively, as if committing the details to memory, then smiled.
“I understand why you were so upset now. We can try it once. Let me think about the best way.” He kissed me long and hard, then whispered intimately. “I’ll get so much pleasure from your enjoyment, believe me.”
“I’m starting to realize you plan a lot of things that seem spontaneous, don’t you?” I asked.
“I do,” he said, his blue eyes soft and open. “I like to make sure we have a good outcome.”
“What would you like to do, Rafa? What’s your fantasy?” In all the time we’d been together, it was one of the only things we hadn’t talked about, probably because our entire relationship had been a dream come to life for both of us.
“I have two desires,” he said, “and you should know them both by now. The first is that you’ll touch yourself for me and enjoy it, and let me enjoy it without any embarrassment.” He looked me up and down with satisfaction. “I think it’ll be any day now, don’t you?”
“Maybe,” I said, stealing a glance at him. I still had to fight the impulse to hide my face when he talked about it. “I hope the other isn’t a threesome. Every man wants one, but I couldn’t stand to see you with another woman. There’s no question about that anymore.”
“It’s not,” he said.
“So then what?” I couldn’t imagine what else he could want, except perhaps anal sex, which he’d already told me he’d been thinking about. However, I doubted it was a fantasy of his. If it was, he would’ve done it long before meeting me.
“I don’t want you to refuse me when you have your period.” Ah, that again. I should have known. My feelings about it hadn’t changed much, but at least now I could talk about it with him.
“Why is that so important to you, Rafa?” I ran my hand on his chest nervously, tracing the ridges of his abdominal muscles with my fingertips. “Is it some kind of kink? I told you my ex gave me a complex about it.”
“No, it’s not a kink.” He laughed, then became serious again. “But truth be told, it pisses me off that anyone, much less an ex, has any influence on what we do or don’t do. I can’t help that he was strange or treated you badly, but please realize I’m a grown man, not a boy, and I understand the human body quite well. It’s normal, it’s natural, and there’s no reason for you to keep me at a distance one week out of every month. What if I did the same to you? I know you’d hate it.” His eyes lit up. “Hm, maybe I will, so that you understand.”
“No, you don’t have to do that,” I said, able to think of nothing worse.
“And I couldn’t tell you this before, but we’re past that now. One of the reasons is because there are a lot of very important Santería rituals—ones of virility and protection and fertility—and they all involve blood. Specifically menstrual blood, because it’s the most powerful. Many cultures around the world believe in its potency. I’ve read some very interesting anthropology texts on the subject which I think you’d find remarkable as well.”
“What’s the other reason?” I asked, slightly disappointed there wasn’t some more intimate significance to him.
“I want to be there when you have our baby. Believe me, I’ve seen it all, and the only thing I’ll care about it is that you and our child are safe. The way you’re so squeamish about a little blood makes me feel like you’re going to kick me out of the delivery room. It’s your right, and I would respect it, but the truth is I’d be devastated.”
“Oh, Rafa,” I said, feeling emotional. “I wouldn’t do that. I’d never separate you from your son or daughter.”
“It’s a huge relief to hear you say it, Amada,” he said, taking my hand and stroking my palm with his thumb. “It’s very sad when the father wants to watch the birth but isn’t allowed. Some cultures believe the man will be turned off to the woman forever after he sees what comes out. There’s nothing even the physician can do when a group of female relatives insist the father be removed, and the mother is too young to know any better or in too much pain to argue. I don’t want that to be me. There’s no way I could ever want you any less, and I don’t know how to make you believe me.”
“It won’t happen, Rafa.” The thought of him in the room was quite comforting as a matter of fact, and I wouldn’t want it any other way, but the irony of him not being able to deliver his own baby struck me. “What if you delivered our baby at home?” I asked, breathless with excitement. “A little Rafa with blue eyes?”
“No, I’d rather you go to a hospital, mamita, but I won’t leave your side, I can promise you that.” He smiled at the thought, then with no preamble climbed on top of me, his hardness sinking into my softness, making me deaf to everything but the sound of not two, but three hearts that would soon be beating together.
CHAPTER NINE
The conversation about her having my baby was just too much. I wanted to take it easy, not jump her like a wild beast, but goddamn if this topic wasn’t the end of me. Just the thought of my Amada pregnant, the way I knew she’d look in and out of her clothes, plump and full of life, sent me over the edge. There had been another cook in the kitchen on the Ruby who’d talked about how attracted he’d been to his wife while she was pregnant, and though I understood it was the hormones, both his and hers, it had been difficult to comprehend the intensity of his desire, until now.
It wasn’t that we’d consciously decided it was time, it’s just that at some point it felt more natural to come together in that way than not. We would have had to fight the instinct to make a baby, and neither of us really wanted to. Knowing it might be a long while before she could get pregnant after the IUD came out, I broke my own rule and decided to give her what she’d been asking for, so I nuzzled her neck and took in her scent again. There was nothing more beautiful, more erotic, than this woman naked and happy beside me, ready to receive my body and my soul. For me, it was hypnotic.
“I’ll take it out if you want me to,” I said. “But when it’s time for you to start going to the obstetrician for the pregnancy, you need to get over your fear, or whatever it is.”
“It’s not fear,” she whispered, her fingers buried in my hair. I wondered if she knew what it did to me. “They’re bad memories. But we’re going to make new ones.”
“That’s right, sweetheart,” I said, wishing I could fix everything that had gone wrong in her past. “Good ones.” I thought of her son, William, and how I could even possibly approach that topic with her, or let on that I knew everything because of what he’d told me. “I’ll make sure it’s wonderful for you. It’s going to be very different this time with me. You’re going to have parties and baby showers and everyone around us is going to be fighting over who gets the baby next. There’s going to be nothing but family and love.”
I had her lie on her back and explained that she shouldn’t feel much of anything, and if she did, she had to let me know because it meant the device had become embedded or worse. In two seconds I’d found the string and pulled it out bef
ore she even knew I’d started. Predictably, my cramps kicked in again, Babalú-Ayé’s not so subtle reminder that I was no longer a doctor and that I should stop thinking like one, but this time I didn’t let her know. There were quite a few things we still had left to discuss, but we’d waited long enough to make love.
“There it is,” I said, holding it up so she could see it. “Perfectly intact. Excellent.” I wrapped it in a tissue and tossed it into the wastebasket, then came back to her. “You might bleed for a few days.” I arched an eyebrow. “I hope I’m allowed to touch you, because we have a lot of time to make up for.”
“Make love to me,” she said, pulling me close to her. Seeing her so needy, so ready, made me almost explode on the spot. Kneeling above her, I took my shirt off, newly aware of Changó’s necklace. So far, she hadn’t touched it, which I appreciated, but if she did it would have to be alright. She was as much a part of me as my very own skin.
I put a little of my body weight on her and kissed her, and didn’t stop kissing her for a long while. I’d never been one for a great deal of affection during sex, but with her nothing was ordinary. Every moment we were in bed together I was overwhelmed with the need to express my love through my touch, my kisses and my caresses as I’d never done with anyone before. Irina had liked it a little rough, which was fine with me, and the girlfriends before that were mostly trying to get me to marry them, but with Amada it was as much the journey as the destination. In fact, I was always a little sad after my orgasm, because it meant the end of being inside her, at least for the time being. It was true, the first night I did crawl to her like a beggar, and if anyone had told me one day I’d have her, this queen beneath me, her body begging for mine, I would have called them delusional. I had no fantasies left because she was the ultimate dream come to life.
Wasting no more time, I entered her, both of us inhaling as we relished the sheer joy of our bodies becoming one. As much as I wanted to plunge inside, I knew it would be better for her if I went in slowly, an inch at a time, so that she could savor those first few moments which I knew were as blissful for her as they were for me. Whenever I felt her warm body accept me and love me from the inside until I reached the very end of her, it was like the first time all over again. That night on the ship I had no idea if she’d speak to me or laugh in my face for having the audacity to approach from so many stations below, and now every time I was poised above her, or heaven help me, behind her, there was the same thrill, the same question in my mind. A woman like this would never be a sure thing, an object of beauty so exquisite she could slip through your fingers as easily as grains of sand. He’d known it, too, goddamn him. I moved slowly and let her savor it, watching as her eyes closed and her lips parted, and then everything went blank as I took back everything that belonged to me.
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