Space Shenanigans

by T F R LeBoomington

  Yo Ho!

  Rick woke up tied to a chair. He couldn’t tell where he was, but the poorly lit walls looked metallic. For the second time this month it seemed like he’d been kidnapped and locked up in a ship’s cargo hold. He tried to access the QI but couldn’t get a connection. He tried to link Amy and Brock to no avail. Maybe they were too far, or perhaps this ship was jamming signals. Rick checked his armour’s metrics. His tracking system told him he was currently stationary a few hundred thousand miles from the dark side of the Moon. He tried to break out of his restraints, but the cuffs were designed to contain cyborgs the likes of Brock. Rick stopped struggling and attempted to gather his thoughts.

  “Mom are you there?”

  “Yes, Rick.”

  “What happened?”

  “I don’t know. The specially formulated gas they used to knock you out affected me as well. My systems are just coming back online.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Indeed.”

  Rick tried to relax and think. Before he could begin to formulate any kind of plan the door behind slid open. He strained to turn and look, but the simple thought of wanting to see behind him activated a concealed reverse helmet cam. Another great function nobody had bothered telling him about. Inside his helmet, Rick squinted to make out the shadowy figure but the light pouring in from the corridor made that impossible. The mystery didn’t last long.

  “Rick, you fucking prick.” Dave walked in front of Rick and took a seat on one of the many boxes strewn around. “What is wrong with you? What games are you playing? We warned you not to fuck around. Did Mr Prunce not have a little talk with you about Solus Tour expectations?”

  “What the fuck are you on about? We were trying to survive your mercenaries’ attacks! We didn’t do anything wrong!”

  “No Rick, you did, and you know you did! Why did you leave the Moon? I told you we wanted you on the news condemning the attacks. Instead, you run away and get involved in another clusterfuck. And to top it all off, and I think that’s probably what pissed Mr Prunce off most, you stopped sending footage of the show. And to add insult to injury, you streamed the show on your personal accounts.”

  “We’re doing the show guerrilla style.” For the first time in his life, Rick wished Gary was here to explain the show’s direction with his usual enthusiasm.

  “Shut up Rick! You’re just like your father.”

  “What?”

  “What?”

  “What did you fucking say?”

  “I said that just like your father you’re a stubborn fucking prick that doesn’t play ball.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means we had to kill your father and now we’re going to have to kill you. You’re a bit slow aren’t you?” Dave laughed.

  “Fuck you.” Rick was struggling in his seat again. Hoping against hope that the rage would be enough to break him out of his bonds. So far it didn’t seem to work, at all.

  “Yeah sure, whatever.” Dave stopped laughing and his features hardened. “Rick, there is no point in struggling. You won’t break free, and no one is coming to save you. Brock and the rest of your friends are dead.” That last word knocked the wind out of him. Dave couldn’t possibly see Rick’s face, but his body language said it all. Rick was breaking. “I needed to tie up loose ends you see. We sold out the mining ship’s captain, told some pirates about their valuable haul.” Dave paused, he cupped his ear and leaned towards Rick. “Is that snivelling I hear? Good. Know that the mining ship was destroyed a few hours ago. And now we’ve told the Council forces about the pirates. A neat little bow.” Dave smiled, a grin worse than the perverted smile of a paedo in a schoolyard.

  Rick had nothing to say. His head hung low. He was crying but was keeping the sobbing to a minimum. Dave sat on his box, savouring his victory, giddy like a schoolboy, his legs swinging and banging the box rhythmically.

  “You shouldn’t have broken your contract with the Agency Rick. Now all your friends are dead, and you'll soon be reborn.” Rick’s head tilted up slightly.

  “Reborn?” His voice was low, but Dave must have expected the question.

  “Oh, did I not tell you? Sorry, must have slipped my mind.” Dave let out a disturbing giggle. This guy's gone insane. “Dick decided to clone you a while back. You see, we anticipated foul play. He’s almost ready. The new you. Shame you’ll never meet him.” Dave laughed maniacally again. “As soon as it’s infused with your latest memories it will be good to go. The Council will never know, the fans will never know and the new you will never know, after some brain editing...”

  “You can’t do that!” Rick protested meekly. He was at a loss. All his plans out the window. All his friends dead. Moon… No...

  “Well, we’re going to do it anyway. And I can’t wait personally. Transhuman civilisation is all that matters. Humanity has lost its right to exist. We have transcended humans, and they should cease to exist. You are worthless, and your only purpose was to entertain us, and since you won’t do that willingly, we’ll make a version of you that does. Ending humanity once and for all.”

  “Well, that’s just racist.”

  “Fuck you, Rick.” Dave got up and walked towards the door. “Next time I see you will be the last.” I fucking hope so. The door slid closed, and Rick was in semi-darkness again and with it came some tough realisations and brooding thoughts.

  ◆◆◆

  The Agency killed my father. The Dick killed my father. Rick’s father had not abandoned him, that much brought him solace. He was glad he’d found out. In a way, he was happier knowing this and dying than not knowing and going on to live forever crippled by abandonment issues and misplaced hate towards his father. Obviously, he’d much rather live and know his father hadn’t left him, but that option seemed off the table.

  The following explosions shook the ship, and put the option back on the table. Rick heard shooting and more explosions, then shouting and the sound of metal boots stomping past his door. Then the screams of people melting or on fire, if he had to guess.

  “Rick, can you hear me?” Rick didn’t recognise the voice that came in via neural link. “Rick? Can... you… hear… me??” This time the voice enunciated the words.

  “Ye… yes, yes I can hear you!

  “Don’t move, I’ve got you on the tracker. Duck!”

  “What?” Rick activated his reverse cam just in time to see the door behind him explode.

  Smoke and light filled the room, a figure, dressed in what seemed like an eighteenth-century pirate’s outfit, burst theatrically into the room. He really looked the part, black boots, breeches, doublet and a long red coat that made no attempt to conceal the gun belts and cutlass scabbard. No pirate outfit would be complete without the black feathered tricorn to top it off. He was smoking an oversized cigar, the cherry glowed bright red just like his eyes. If Rick hadn’t been tied up, he would’ve rubbed his eyes and pinched himself.

  “Release the prisoner boys!” More eighteenth-century pirates poured into the room, and within seconds Rick was free.

  Rick turned to face his rescuer while retracting his helmet. It was the polite thing to do. Though in reality he was terrified, had these pirates butchered his friends and come to kidnap him for ransom? So close to Earth? This didn’t make sense.

  “Rick, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Diego Sanchez, Captain of the “Kill All Humans.” Nothing personal it’s just my spaceship.” Rick had heard of this guy. The outfit. The heavy hispanic accent. It was all familiar.

  “Yeah, I got that.”

  Diego Sanchez was an eight-foot robot with a android vibe, dressed like a pirate of the Caribbean with what seemed like a hand-drawn scar across his left cheek. Rick closed his eyes for an instant and then opened them again. Still here.

  “OK good!”

  “Why are you all dressed as pirates?” Diego cocked his head to the side as if to say “seriously?”

  “Well because… Somos pirates!” Tha
t’s the name of their livestream channel. It was all coming back. Rick had watched some of this guy’s videos.

  “I meant old-timey pirates.” He’d always wanted to ask.

  “Oh… Most pirates around Ceres dress like miners to blend in. We wanted to stand out. And these outfits are the only outfits that clearly and unequivocally state that somos pirates.”

  “Which is something you want to do.”

  “Yes.” Rick felt surprisingly satisfied by that response.

  “OK, and what’s happening here?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Why are you guys here?”

  “To rescue you. Are you OK? Did they beat you over the head? Those cabrones! Sorry, we can’t kill them again.” Rick closed his eyes and shook his head, this was a good time to end this surreal conversation.

  “OK then. Let’s get me the fuck out of here.” Diego signalled Rick to follow, his crew had already started rampaging their way back to their ship.

  ◆◆◆

  Rick ran through the ship’s scorched and bloodied corridors admiring the pirate’s handiwork. Mom had to warn him in extremis, several times, not to trip on one of the many bodies littering the floor. The mercenaries had put up a good fight; each one had taken a couple of pirates with him to the next life.

  Diego was very talkative. Especially about his ship. The Kill All Humans was a modified transport vessel, lots of cargo hold for loot. This also meant it was not a fighting ship by design. Though the pirates had salvaged a few turrets from other spacecraft. Their modus operandi had more in common with the Mediterranean naval battles of antiquity than Star Wars. Diego called it “Ram Attack”. His ship had an entire front section made of scrap metal and shaped like a pointed barbed ram.

  Ram Attack consisted of T-boning target ships and then boarding them. Diego’s crew was entirely composed of robots and androids, so things like the vacuum of space didn’t bother them as much as it did cyborgs and mutants.

  This strategy had proved very successful since the beginnings of space piracy. The gaping hole left in the side of the ship was their way out. They’d have to spacewalk for just under a hundred meters into the pirate ship’s hatch. Thankfully for Rick overlapping shields kept the vacuum of space from sucking out anyone without magnetic clamping. Mom as if sensing his doubts reassured him that she was managing the gravity changes in real time. Once that worry was cast aside Diego brought a new one to Rick's attention.

  “Bien, Rick, have you ever been on a spacewalk?”

  “Uhh… No…”

  “No hay problema! It’s a very short distance. When we get to the breach just follow me. We jump from the edge towards my ship. Fácil!”

  They turned a few more corners and found themselves in front of the wiry-toothed maw the pirates had used to board this ship. Brock was there. Panting and wild-eyed. Dripping with blood and oil. Rick had never seen him like this. When he saw Rick, his features immediately softened. They hugged, it was a good hug, at least fourteen seconds. Rick was overwhelmed with emotion. Diego laughed and called them queer. It ruined the moment.

  “What the fuck happened? Dave said pirates attacked and destroyed the mining ship? That fucking liar.”

  “Oh no Dave didn’t lie. Except after I massacred half of this joker’s crew we decided to strike a deal.”

  “Wrap up your bromance! There's still a bunch of those coño mercenary fucktards on this boat, and I’m running out of crew thanks to this giant lunático.” Brock turned to Diego and gave him a look. Rick wasn’t sure what the look meant.

  “OK let’s go!”

  “Gracias mi Señor.” Rick sniggered at Diego’s sarcastic tone. I like this guy.

  The captain gave commands to his remaining crew then turned away from everyone, and leapt out into space. Rick looked on out and his entire body shivered, then he froze. He’d have liked to think if Brock had seen his face and the look of sheer terror on it he wouldn’t have grabbed him and dragged him towards the opening.

  “Rick.”

  “What?”

  “This’ll be fun.”

  “Umm… OK…”

  “You see Diego, right? Jump towards him and just float over there that’s it.” Rick took a deep breath and another.

  Brock’s hand was on his back, and all he could think is, don’t push me please, please don’t push me, Rick looked ahead and saw Diego and a few other pirates slowly floating towards their ship. They were carrying all kinds of crap. Scrap metal, weapons, and devices and machines that meant nothing to Rick. Whatever looked cool or expensive seemed to be the guideline. Some of the pirates had propulsion and were playing about, looping, twisting and racing each other. It looked fun. His suit had booster rockets too. Pops had thought of everything.

  “OK, I’m going to do it.”

  “Well you don’t have a choice, but I’m glad you got there on your own.” Brock was smiling a mischievous smile; Rick had missed him. “Oh and Rick.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t flap your arms. It’s pointless and looks stupid.” Brock roared with laughter. Rick smiled, called him an asshole and jumped.

  Time seemed to slow to a crawl while Rick floated towards the Kill All Humans. His mind wandered as he gazed into the deep. It reminded him of being deep underwater, but better, at first. His eyes came back from the depths of space and focused on Diego and the ship in front just in time to see explosions. The enemy had finally understood what was happening and their turrets opened fire on the pirates. Rick started flapping his arms. Brock came in on the neural link, laughing… So you can laugh in other people’s heads...

  “Use your jets. Get to the ship quickly.” Brock cut out but not before Rick heard some more muffled laughter.

  The Kill All Humans had begun returning fire. Rick was approaching the ship at what now seemed like an unsafe speed. He cut his jets and started flapping his arms again. Diego was waiting by the hatch and caught Rick with his telescopic arm.

  “Get inside tonto, rápido.”

  Rick walked in and was met by half a dozen pirates waiting in the airlocked chamber leading to the cargo hold. They all shared an awkward silence while waiting for the others. Rick’s eyes fell onto their meagre bounty piled up in the centre of the room. It only seemed scant to Rick because he expected to see chests of gold coin and jewels.

  Brock came in next followed by Diego and a few more pirates. The outer door shut and the airlock released. Diego wordlessly gave commands to his crew, and they all scrambled in different directions.

  “Come with me, you’re going to want to see this.”

  From the bridge, they had a lovely view of Dave’s skewered ship. The ram’s tip nicely embedded in its belly. “Detach the ram and begin reversing.” Diego turned to Rick excitedly. “Now watch this. Detonate the tip once we've reached a safe distance. Ready the debris scoop.” Diego turned to Rick again. “This is going to be good.”

  Rick kept his eyes on Dave’s shrinking ship until the blinding flash made him cover them. When he opened them again the broken-up bits of the spacecraft floated lifelessly. Their shield shimmered as debris reached them. Rick had reached emotional saturation. He didn’t know how to feel anymore. He just slumped to the floor.

  “You alright buddy?” Brock asked, more amused than concerned.

  “Está bien! The kind of explosion that’ll knock you on your culo!” Diego laughed, his crew followed. A cacophony of digital laughter filled the flight deck.

  “I’m fine. It’s all a bit much. I needed to sit down.”

  “By all means go and relax with your friends while my crew and I continue to do all the work.” Diego laughed some more. A soured laugh it seemed to Rick.

  Brock picked Rick up off the floor, and they made their way to a lounge area. The room looked like a Victorian whorehouse. It reminded him of Club Eiffel. He liked it, especially the velvet curtains fitted above the portholes. Nice touch.

  Rick hadn’t allowed himself to hope Moon was still alive. B
ut walking in on her sitting with the dog filled his heart with more joy than he thought possible. He suddenly felt taller, stronger, braver. Gary was also there, as always doing shit on his holoputer with Steve.

  Rick put on his best Rick impression and walked into the room like everything was fine. He high-fived Steve and Gary, rolled on the floor playing with Moondog and gave Moon a hug so long it became awkward for everyone watching. Amy interrupted them to ask Rick to sync with her. Everyone was thankful for that, apart from Rick, and maybe for the first time Moon. He broke his embrace with her and there it was. The most beautiful of smiles. He wanted to kiss her so much. But misreading situations was his speciality, so he didn’t.

  This was Rick and Amy’s first sync. Rick was in for a ride. Amy established a link and began the simultaneous upload and download of the last few days. Rick experienced this as Point of View time-lapse from Amy’s perspective. It would take him weeks to fully understand what he’d experienced. Like having someone else’s dreams and memories vying for attention. He would be dreaming Amy’s memories for the next few nights. Rick wished he’d known before syncing. Amy experienced it as 1s and 0s which made perfect sense immediately.

  Rick and the others shared their stories the good old fashion way.

  “What happened to you guys?”

  “We woke up in the cargo hold. You weren’t with us...” Moon was cut off by Gary.

  “Brock went all terminator and tore through the ship until he came to an agreement with Diego. It was epic!”

  “What about you?” Moon looked at him, caringly, it seemed. She cares.

  “I saw Dave… He’s gone fucking nuts. He told me you guys were dead.”

  “Well, he’s gone now.” Rick hoped Moon was right.

  Diego Sanchez!

  Diego had started his life in Mexico as a human. During the war, he’d served his country. During the purge, he’d had a terrible time, like most. He’d glossed over those bits when recounting the tale of Diego to his new friends.