Space Shenanigans

by T F R LeBoomington

Brock felt the increased gravity when they exited the corridor, and the radiation colliding with their magnetic shield treated them to their very own Northern Lights. He didn’t think they’d feel the gravity quite so strongly. The whole ship shook. The usual “stop what you’re doing” lights were flashing. The other craft was still following.

  Europa and Ganymede were currently in close orbit. During those periods the 69ers were grouped especially close to together, creating a maelstrom of stations and moons and an immense amount of congestion in the corridors.

  Brock felt a general sense of wellness when they re-entered the corridors. It didn’t last long. He looked beyond the bridge windows and felt sheer terror. The ship had barely slowed down as it burst into the Jovian transport lanes, straight through to the chaotic public lanes. Diego dodged traffic, jumped lanes, and tore through residential moon clusters like he’d done this before a thousand times.

  “I think I’m starting to finally grasp the ramifications of virtual learning.” Rick's face showed a smile, but his eyes showed fear.

  Brock laughed though he too was very much afraid. “It’s about fucking time!” And it was, transhumans had acquired thousands of years worth of knowledge in decades because of it. Without it, humans would have never unlocked the rest of their technological evolution. Not as quickly anyway.

  “Kinda makes me feel like I’ve been wasting time… What have I achieved in the time Diego mastered flight?” Brock knew that tone. Now was not the time for his nonsense.

  “Maybe you should try learning in there the...” Brock's sentence was cut short as the need to hold his breath overwhelmed him. Diego performed a series of sharp looping turns into oncoming traffic before slingshotting around a moon into a group of residential stations and back into another corridor. Brock did not like this, his life was in the hands of a lunatic.

  “Yeah! I could get some of this wisdom crap people are always banging on about.” Rick tried a smile, but his hands betrayed him. They gripped the chair's leather arms like they were the last branch off a cliff drop.

  “I can help you!” Moon was pallid, her reinforced cyber grip had already dug into her armchair. Only Diego seemed to be enjoying himself.

  “And I’ll train you!” Brock had always wanted to put Rick through the wringer.

  “Thanks, guys! I appreciate it!” Rick had no idea. He couldn’t possibly comprehend.

  The last set of maneuvers flung the ship into Ganymede’s orbit. Diego had taken the most illogical and dangerous route imaginable to their destination. Brock was impressed.

  ◆◆◆

  The Zero City there had developed with larger residential areas to accommodate the demand. Ganymede was as close as it got to a Terran vibe in the Jovian system. Everyone wanted a house and their kids to go to school there.

  By now the planet was full, so Ganymede had satellites, lots and lots of satellites. Waiting room satellites, where people lived as close to Ganymede as they could, waiting for someone to move, or die… Brock couldn’t believe the insanity of the whole thing.

  Diego knew a guy who lived there. Back when he was a pirate he was known as Red Rodriguez, then he became a miner, it was just Rodriguez during those days. He ended up buying a fuelling station and settling down with a girl, he calls himself Don Rodriguez now.

  Diego circled the moon a few times and made sure they’d lost their pursuers before heading down towards Casa Del Rodriguez. The guy had actually named it that.

  The property was a bit much. A big Spanish style villa, surrounded by lush gardens and a pond, Brock thought he saw a pool. Tough life in the colonies. WTF is going on.

  There were people there, quite a few people actually. It seemed some kind of party was happening. At a hundred metres long The Last Human could not set down in the guest parking zone.

  “What’s next Diego? I thought this guy had land for us to hide the ship.” Brock asked, his tone was deadly serious, yet, somehow, Rick misread the situation.

  “Yeah, I’m not sure they’d want us landing on their flower beds.” Moon giggled. She partook in the roastings now. It would only make things worse. Brock sighed when he realised Rick had more. “Is the party for moi? You shouldn't have! It's too much Diego!” Moon burst out laughing, now that she laughed at Rick's jokes he would be unstoppable. Brock realised this was the beginning of something very annoying.

  “Mierda!”

  “What’s the plan, Diego?” Rick taunted the pirate.

  “Yeah Diego!” Moon followed.

  “I’m thinking! Cállate la boca!”

  “All of you shut up! Diego land here.” Brock had been analysing the area’s topography and was pointing at a clearing just on the edge of Rodriguez’ land.

  “OK, I got this.” He did, the landing was smooth, and they were somewhat concealed from view. Diego sprang to his feet and took a bow, “aqui, gracias, de nada!” Rick and Moon clapped and whistled and encouraged him to do a little dance. Children.

  Brock got up and told everyone to follow him to the cargo bay. He led them towards one of the large doors and asked Mom to open it. It had been a while since he’d seen grass and trees, or heard birds. This was a nice place. Brock stepped outside and took a deep breath. Hopefully we don’t fuck it up.

  “Right Diego you go do your thing, and we’ll guard the ship.”

  “Guard? This is Ganymede amigo! Nobody steals on Ganymede!”

  “I’m not thinking of the locals you moron.”

  “Oh…”

  “Yeah.” Brock shook his head at Diego, it was like having a second, slightly crazier Rick around. “Mom, where are you with disabling the tracking on this thing?”

  “Ah yes. Well, there is definitely an emitter sharing our position.”

  “Thanks for letting us know.”

  “Well, everything was so exciting… I forgot.”

  “Where is the emitter Mom?”

  “Oh… I’m not sure. But I know the frequency so you can use Mr T to find it.”

  “Nobody uses Mr T, fool!”

  “OK, thanks, Mom. Right, here’s the plan. Diego, you go and speak to your friend and sort out the supplies.”

  “Can Rick come?” Rick looked pleadingly, and Brock shook his head some more.

  “Fucking children… Moon go with them. Please keep them out of trouble.”

  “I need to go with them too. And Steve; for the show Brock!”

  “OK well, I guess it’s just me, T, Moondog and Mom looking for that emitter. Please don’t fuck this up.”

  Brock watched them hop over the fence and head over to Rodriguez’ villa. It was a simple mission, walk over and sort supplies from an old friend and get a coupon for fuel and be on their way. There was no reason to expect a trap, the mercs had no way of knowing where they were. Diego and Rick seemed tight, Brock couldn’t picture any foul play from the crazy Mexican. Though maybe he’d fucked over someone he shouldn’t have a long time ago… Maybe an old blood debt he’d forgotten about… Brock was getting worked up. Was he risking everything by leaving them?

  “This is Ganymede fool! Chill!” Brock looked up at T and took a deep breath.

  “OK, Moondog let’s find this emitter!”

  The others were almost out of sight now, Brock turned towards the ship, with the dog and AI close behind

  Red Rodriguez

  Diego led the group through a clearing, a fancy hedge maze and Rodriguez’ botanical garden. As they neared the house, they began to meet more party-goers, and it became clear they were underdressed. Rick was wearing his armour, Diego’s classic pirate outfit was in tatters, more a ghost-pirate costume now. Gary’s had been wearing the same clothes since Luna and Moon was wearing her Council combat gear. Rick could tell it bothered her to be surrounded by all these young women in beautiful dresses.

  “I think we’re underdressed guys…”

  “Yeah Diego, what the fuck?”

  “Are you sure this is OK?” Amy displayed a perplexed emoji.

  “Amy, y
ou don’t wear clothes?”

  “I know that Rick, I was just asking if it was OK for you to crash someone’s party dressed like space-vagrants.”

  “I don’t look like a vagrant.” Moon looked herself up and down.

  "Well..." Moon made a show punching Rick in the arm before he could complete his thought.

  “Sorry, we’re not vagrants. Well, Gary and Diego do kinda look like hobos actually.” Moon giggled.

  “It’s fine, probably just some themed party or something. If I know Rodriguez all these girls are just whores.” Rick hoped not. The girls all looked very young.

  Though not entirely convinced, they still followed Diego to the mansion. As they walked by, groups would stop talking and stare agape. Rick was used to turning heads, Moon, less so, she kept her head down and shied away from eye-contact as they crossed the gardens. Rick grabbed her hand as they headed up the stairs to the entrance, and gave it a little squeeze.

  The place screamed nineties druglord villa. Rick couldn’t help thinking that they’d have more space on Ganymede if inhabitants lived in humbler houses. No one on Terra lived in these types of homes anymore. Even the most famous person there lived in a typical smart house like the rest of the population. I should know.

  Some of these 69ers really lived the lavish lifestyle. After all, Rick had heard about the colonies this befuddled him. Moon agreed with Rick’s rant. They were agreeing about more things lately.

  The entrance hall opened into a twin staircase surrounding a big marble statue of probably Rodriguez on a horse with a baby clutched in one arm and a woman in the other. A tasteless thing. Rick wanted one of him with Moon, but riding a bull.

  Rodriguez was standing on the first-floor landing where the staircases met again. A thick red carpet was draped across the centre of the steps, Diego followed it up towards his old friend, Steve and Gary melted into the shadows to shoot some more of the show. Rick dragged Moon over to the statue for a quick inspection before catching up to Diego. The statue was gold. Rick thought of the Washington Monument.

  Rodriguez was in black-tie attire, sporting a white smoking jacket with a red flower tucked in the front pocket. He had slick-back hair and a very thin moustache, Rick called him Mr Fancypants and Moon chuckled. Diego walked up to his friend like no time had passed.

  “Well if it isn’t Red Rodriguez! Who d’you kill for this house?” Diego embraced a stunned Rodriguez who pushed him back at first.

  “Who the hell…” Then came the recognition. “So you’re alive...”

  “It’s good to see you too old friend.”

  “Are you alright Don Rodriguez?” Large cyborgs with a warrior look about them had been following the intruders from the moment they entered the grounds. Their boss must’ve kept exotic company, Diego had gotten really close before they'd intervened. The Don waved them away and told them he was fine.

  “What brings you this side of the asteroid belt?”

  “You know me, just on another adventure.”

  “Were you involved in that Ceres crap?” Diego shrugged. “Of course you were! Look at you!” He did look like he’d climbed out of a flaming toilet. He was missing synth skin in some places. Since he only used synth parts, there was no blood, not red blood anyway. Red blood tended to freak people out a bit more. “You better not start any shit here! This is my daughter’s quinceañera!”

  “Oh, so these are not whores?”

  “How dare you! This party is for my daughter Elegancia and her friends! They’re children!”

  “Well... I mean... Technically you are celebrating their passage to womanhood and all that crap.” Rodriguez glared at Diego. Rick and Moon were in stitches, bent over with laughter. At this point, it was impossible for Rodriguez not to notice them.

  “Who are your friends Diego? Amigo the air is good here, you don’t need that helmet.” Rick straightened up and retracted his helmet.

  He walked over, extending his hand. "I’m Rick Archer, thank you for having us in your beautiful home!” Rick gestured at Moon to come over. “This is Moon, the love of my life. She just doesn’t know it yet.” Rick laughed, Moon giggled and kicked him in the shin, a lot harder than he'd have liked. He smiled through the pain, but they'd have to have a talk about this violence.

  “The Last Human!” Rodriguez turned to Diego. “On this, the day of my daughter’s quinceañera, you bring the most famous person in Solus. An actual Terran superstar in my home. You are going to make me a god in the eyes of my daughter.” The Don’s face went from beaming smile to very serious all of a sudden. “What do you want Diego?”

  “We need fuel and supplies for a long trip, a dangerous trip.”

  “Done.” Rodriguez went quiet for a few minutes, probably sending instructions. He finished and turned to Rick, “you honour me with your presence. Please go mingle, eat and drink, have fun.” Turning to Diego, he shook his head. “You, you are coming with me to get changed. You bring dishonour to yourself dressed like this.” They walked off, and Rick turned to Moon.

  “Hungry or thirsty?”

  “Both!”

  “Both it is!” They headed back down with Amy and Mama following. Rick glanced at them and wondered what they might be talking about. He had a strong suspicion he might be the subject of the conversation.

  In Mexico, the quinceañera is adorned with elegant jewellery and makeup and a giant ball gown type dress. In Ganymede it was apparently the same; as far as Rick could tell all the girls were dressed like that, he thought it looked stupid but kept his mouth shut.

  Rick and Moon were making their way past the gift table when they stopped. The gifts were piled high, and many were too big for the table. After the Battle of Ceres, this left a sour taste in his mouth. That being said, at the sight of the buffet tables his mouth forgot all about the rampant inequalities plaguing society. He stuffed his face and washed it down with exquisite chilled Europaan wine.

  “Rick?” Moon’s mouth was full, but apparently, this was urgent.

  “Yeah, what's up?” Rick’s mouth was full too. Pronouncing the S apostrophe triggered food projectiles. Food sprayed over Moon’s face. Some of it went in her mouth. She recoiled in disgust and Rick thought he was going to drop dead of embarrassment.

  She looked up at him, agape. “That. Was. Gross…” Rick tried to hold her gaze without laughing… He managed a couple of seconds.

  “I’m so, so, so sorry!”

  “Some of it when in my mouth, so gross.” Moon scrunched up her face and Rick dried his tears.

  “I’m sorry, I really am…” He managed an apology but it was punctuated with chuckles.

  “It’s fine, so as I was saying before you spat in my mouth." Rick had to laugh a bit more, Moon politely waited for him to be done. "Can you eat all this food? I mean aren’t you supposed to check for nanoparticles? You know for your digestive system.”

  “Fuck…” Rick hadn’t really thought about it. Pops hadn't had time to brief him thoroughly, and he hadn’t eaten much off the ship and Mr Food just made him what he asked for.

  Rick accessed his suit schematics and body metrics. The food he was eating had little to no nanoparticles, it was not designed for cyber-sustenance. Rick also looked at his shoulder and brain while he was inside his head. He saw the localised nanobot colonies and thought of something. He initiated a link with Amy.

  “Hey, Ames?”

  “Yes, Rick?”

  “Can I re-assign a few nanobots to my digestive tract? Make sure I can eat and drink without worry?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. The bots will just use nanoparticles to replicate to adjust to the new load.” Rick came out and was nose-to-nose with Moon, she was chewing really slowly.

  “That was rude. We were talking, and you just linked-out like that.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t realise I’d be that long.”

  “So for the food?”

  “Yeah, it’s all good!” With that problem solved, they resumed their exploration of the buffet.


  When Rick finally diverted his eyes from Moon and the buffet he found himself surrounded on all sides. It had been so long, he’d forgotten how they moved, how they would separate, infiltrate and eventually surround him. They moved unseen in the crowds because they were the crowds. He’d never escaped them without Brock. The forgotten enemy had returned.

  “Are you The Last Human?”

  “Can we get an autograph, please?”

  “I love what you’re doing!”

  “Your suit is so cool!”

  “Where’s Brock?”

  Fans. They’d snuck up on him while he was stuffing his face. There were twenty teens between Moon and him now. All of them wanted something, Smartcubes were floating around him flashing away and recording. He hugged some people, signed some stuff, shook some hands and answered some questions with catchphrases. Soon he couldn’t breathe anymore, the lights were dizzying, without Brock to shield him he couldn’t escape the mob. He bounced around obeying commands shouted at him from every direction.

  Music came on, I'm saved. The birthday girl was coming. Rick was left clinging onto a table, gasping for air. I hate that. His eyes desperately sought out Moon.

  “Hey! How was that?” Moon had circled around behind him, she failed to hide her mirth.

  “Intense…” Rick took a deep breath.

  “It looked like it.”

  “I think the worst part is you have to stay and just take it, you can’t just punch your way out.”

  “No, punching fans and children is thought of poorly in our society, for some reason.” Moon let out a cackle that seemed accidental, she covered her mouth. Rick smiled.

  “I can’t do that again.”

  “Well, you might have to.”

  “What, why?”

  “Look behind.”

  Elegancia had heard from her friends, and father and more importantly buzz on social media that The Last Human was in her house. And she was coming for him. Quinceañerazilla could not be stopped.

  Man Down!

  Brock hadn’t been alone with his thoughts in a while. Since Pops had been attacked. There had been no news from the resistance, it was all one big mess. Everything was confusing. He felt like Pops still had so much to tell him. Brock didn’t know how to get in touch with anyone apart from the guys on Mars and they weren’t responding. Jin had also gone dark. Everyone probably had their hands full with the Battle of Ceres.