by Louis Sachar
“So, tell us about school today,” said Laura’s mother during dinner. “Anything special happen?”
Laura nearly swallowed her piece of pot roast whole. She coughed, then pointed to her mouth. She chewed her meat very slowly as she tried to think of something that happened – something she could tell her parents. She swallowed and took a drink of water.
“We had a math test,” she said.
“Oh, how’d you do?” asked her father.
She shrugged. She knew she’d be lucky just to have passed it. She had only answered fourteen questions out of twenty. “Mr. Doyle hasn’t graded it yet,” she said. “It doesn’t matter, anyway.”
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” asked her father.
“We’ve been having tests all year,” Laura explained. “One more test isn’t going to make too much of a difference.” Right after she said that, she knew it was a mistake.
Her parents gave her a long lecture about how every test, every homework assignment, is important. She must never let up. Just because her grades had been good so far, that was no reason to quit. They compared it to a race. It doesn’t matter how far in front you are; if you stop before you reach the finish line, you won’t win.
Laura said “yes,” or “I know,” or “you’re right,” at least a dozen times during the conversation, though she was hardly listening. Her mind was on Gabriel.
She decided she’d get it over with quickly. When Gabriel arrived, she would step outside, kiss him, tell him she hated his guts, then step inside and close the door. One, two, three, that was the way to do it. It was always best to do dreadful things quickly, and then be done with them.
“If you form good study habits now, while you’re young, they’ll stick with you for the rest of your life,” said her father.
“That’s good advice,” said Laura. “I’ll remember that.”
“Your father’s right,” said her mother. “When I was your age, I didn’t have to study and I got good grades. But when I went to college I had trouble because I had never learned how to study. It’s the students with good study habits, not necessarily the smart ones, who succeed in college.”
“You’re right,” said Laura. “May I be excused?”
“You’ve hardly touched your dinner,” said her father.
“I guess I’m not hungry,” she said. She was too nervous to eat.
“All right,” said her mother, “but don’t come back in an hour and expect me to feed you.”
Laura left the table. She went to the bathroom, where she brushed her teeth and rinsed her mouth with mouthwash. Even though she hated Gabriel, she didn’t want to have bad breath when she kissed him.
She waited nervously in her room, listening for the doorbell. She had to be sure she answered it before her parents. When her phone rang she jumped. She started to answer it, but stopped. She didn’t want to be on the phone talking to Tiffany or Allison when the doorbell rang. The phone kept ringing. She’d have to make it quick. She picked up the receiver. “Hello!”
“Hello, Laura, this is Gabriel.”
She collected herself. “Where are you?”
“Home,” he said sadly. “I can’t come over tonight. I’m grounded because I had to copy another dictionary page. I have to stay home all weekend, too.”
“Gee, that’s tight,” said Laura. She wondered how it would affect their deal.
“I told my parents they could ground me for two months if they’d just let me out tonight, but they said no.”
Laura felt flattered. She got an idea. She lay back on her bed. “How would you like to join Pig City?” she asked.
“Sure!” he replied.
“Of course, you know that means you’d have to give insurance.”
“Of course,” said Gabriel.
She could hardly believe how well this was working out. “You understand,” she asked, “that if I let you join Pig City, then I don’t have to, um, do anything else?”
“I understand.”
“Okay, when do you get off being grounded?”
“Next week. Monday.”
“Okay, after school on Monday.”
“All right.”
“Good, then it’s all set,” said Laura. “In the meantime, don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
They said good-bye and hung up.
Laura was amazed. It was perfect. There was no reason not to let him join, since he already knew all about Pig City, anyway. And she didn’t have to kiss him anymore.
She felt a little disappointed, however, that he had so quickly dropped his demand to kiss her, just to join Pig City.
She walked back down the hall to the kitchen. Her parents were just putting the last of the dishes in the dishwasher.
“I’m hungry,” she said. “Is there anything to eat?” She sat down at the table.
As she ate the leftover dinner, she tried to think of different possible insurances for Gabriel.
13
Karen and Yolanda
Everyone laughed when they saw PIGS FLY HIGH on the blackboard. Mr. Doyle didn’t say a word. He merely erased it and put the number 3 next to the rectangle under the word DICTIONARY.
He had told the class earlier in the year that anybody who didn’t complete all of his or her dictionary pages by the end of the year wouldn’t graduate. Laura wasn’t worried. She didn’t think he really would keep somebody from graduating just for that. Besides, it was only three. Besides, he had to catch her first.
She had a bigger problem. Somehow, she had to convince Allison and Tiffany to let Gabriel join Pig City. Last night it had seemed the perfect solution to her problem. Now, it seemed almost impossible. Maybe it would be easier just to kiss him, she thought.
Mr. Doyle handed back the math tests. He had them arranged in order from worst to best. Laura’s was on the top.
“What happened, Laura?” he asked as he placed her test on her desk. “That isn’t like you.”
She saw a red D-plus at the top of the page. “I guess I had a bad day,” she said.
“I’d say so. I’d hate to see you fall apart now, after you’ve been doing so well all year.”
Laura shrugged. Mr. Doyle continued passing back the tests. One test won’t matter, she thought.
“So who should we ask to join today?” Tiffany asked as the three girls walked out to recess.
Laura scrunched up her face. She wondered what they’d say if she suggested Gabriel. No, she didn’t wonder. She knew. That was the problem.
“How about Karen?” said Allison. “She’s fun.”
“No,” Laura said. “Karen’s always talking. How do we know if we can trust her, even with insurance?”
Allison and Tiffany agreed. Karen talked too much. She was too happy, too. They couldn’t trust someone who smiled all the time.
“What about Yolanda?” said Tiffany. “She never says anything!”
“I like Yolanda a lot,” said Allison. “She’s nice.”
Laura tried to think of something wrong with Yolanda.
Debbie and Kristin joined them. Five fists met five noses.
“Who are we going to get today?” asked Kristin.
“And what are we going to do to her?” asked Debbie.
“Yolanda,” said Tiffany. “Only you’re not allowed to know what she does for her insurance.”
“That’s not fair!” complained Debbie.
“Do you want her to know what you did for insurance?” Allison asked.
“No!” said Debbie.
“Well, then?” said Tiffany.
“Is Yolanda all right with you, Laura?” Allison asked.
“I guess so.”
The citizens of Pig City searched for Yolanda.
They found her sitting with Karen on the edge of a planter. Yolanda and Karen were best friends. Karen liked to talk and Yolanda liked to listen.
“We have to talk to Yolanda alone,” said Tiffany.
Karen got up and le
ft. She didn’t mind. Nothing ever bothered Karen, not even Gabriel.
Karen sat in front of Gabriel in Mr. Doyle’s class, so she was often the victim of his pranks. Once, he tied her shoelaces to her chair. When she tried to stand up, she fell over and her desk rolled on top of her. She twisted her ankle. She didn’t mind.
Gabriel kept saying how sorry he was, but she just laughed. Yolanda and Sheila had to carry her to the nurse’s office. She talked and made jokes the whole way.
Yolanda was the opposite of Karen. She was very shy and hardly ever said anything. She was scared to death of boys. She was very pretty, too. She had golden skin and jet black hair, but her shyness kept her from being popular.
They told her to come to Laura’s house after school. She said she would.
They told her not to tell anyone.
She said she wouldn’t.
It was too easy. Yolanda was too nice and too scared to say no.
As they walked away from her, Laura saw Gabriel leaning against the school building watching them. His fist was on his nose. She looked around at her friends, but they didn’t seem to notice him.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” she said. She went to the bathroom, so it wouldn’t be a lie. She went in, turned around, and went out. Then she went to Gabriel.
“So, when do I join Pig City?” he asked.
“You’re not allowed to do that,” she told him.
“Do what?”
“The Pig City salute. You’re not allowed to touch your nose until you become an official member.”
“You changed your mind, didn’t you? I knew it!”
“Be cool,” she said. “Just don’t salute anymore. Everything will work out.” She turned and walked away. Her hair swished around behind her.
It was Friday. Gabriel got off being grounded on Monday. She had until then to either figure out some way to let him join or kiss him.
14
Jonathan
After school, Laura, Allison, and Tiffany waited in front of Laura’s house for Yolanda. They thought up the perfect insurance for her. She’d have to write a love note to a boy. Then if she told anybody about Pig City, they’d put the note in the boy’s desk. She was so scared of boys, she’d die before she told anyone.
“We’ll let her pick the boy,” said Laura.
“She won’t be able to,” said Allison. “She’s too shy.”
“We’ll make her pick one,” said Tiffany.
“I bet she can’t do it,” said Allison. “I bet she can’t even say a boy’s name.”
When Yolanda arrived, they tied a dish towel over her eyes, then led her around to the Dog House. They sat her down on the bed. Laura told her what she had to do for insurance.
“And you have to pick the boy,” said Tiffany.
“Okay,” said Yolanda. “Jonathan.”
They were shocked.
Allison untied the blindfold. Yolanda blinked her baby blue eyes as she looked around the clubhouse. They gave her a piece of paper and a pen.
Tiffany dictated: “Dearest Darling Jonathan …”
Yolanda blushed as she wrote down everything Tiffany said.
Laura didn’t especially like Jonathan, but she knew a lot of girls thought he was handsome. Laura didn’t like boys with blond hair. Jonathan’s hair was so blond that in the summer, when he went swimming, the chlorine from swimming pools gave it a green tint. Besides being handsome, Jonathan was also probably the smartest boy in Mr. Doyle’s class and also the best athlete. He knew it, too. That was the main reason Laura didn’t like him. She thought he was too conceited.
Gabriel is smarter than Jonathan, she thought, even if his grades aren’t as good.
Yolanda finished writing the note. It read:
Dearest Darling Jonathan,
I’m madly in love with you. I dream about kissing you all the time. You’re so handsome. I’d love to run my fingers through your hair.
Love,
Yolanda
15
Executive Session
Over the weekend, Laura, Tiffany, and Allison met in the Dog House to discuss the future of Pig City. They ate pickles and chocolate chip cookies and drank lime slushes.
“Who else do we want to join?” Tiffany asked. She took a large bite out of a kosher dill pickle.
“I think we have enough members for now,” said Allison. “Let’s do something spectacular!”
“Like what?” asked Tiffany.
“We could have a bake sale,” Allison suggested.
“Ooh! How spectacular!” Tiffany said sarcastically.
“We could raise money with a bake sale,” Allison explained, “and then do something spectacular.”
“We’re a secret club,” said Tiffany. “If we have a bake sale, then everybody will know about us.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Allison.
Tiffany took another bite of pickle. “Unless we sell invisible cakes,” she said.
Allison laughed, even though the joke was mostly on her.
“I think we should ask boys to join Pig City,” said Laura.
Tiffany dropped her pickle.
The three girls watched it roll across the floor and under the television.
Allison said, “Um, well, who do you have in mind, Laura?”
Laura didn’t want to play her hand too quickly. “We should ask three boys,” she said. “We should each pick one.”
Allison looked down at the floor. Tiffany stared up at the ceiling.
“We made Yolanda pick a boy,” said Laura. “If she can do it, why can’t we?”
Tiffany and Allison remained silent.
“They’ll have to give insurance,” said Laura, “just like everybody else.”
That was the clincher. Smiles formed on the faces of her two best friends.
“Who picks first?” asked Tiffany.
“You can, if you want,” said Allison.
“I didn’t say I wanted to,” said Tiffany.
“Well, do you?” asked Laura.
“I don’t know,” said Tiffany.
“Go ahead, Tiffany,” said Allison. “Who do you pick?”
Tiffany started to giggle.
“If you don’t choose,” said Laura, “Allison or I might pick the boy you want.”
Tiffany stopped giggling. A glow came to her cheeks and there was a sparkle in her eyes. “Nathan,” she said sweetly.
Laura and Allison laughed.
“What’s so funny about Nathan!” Tiffany demanded.
“Nothing,” said Laura. “It was just the way you said it.”
“I just said, ‘Nathan,’” said Tiffany.
They laughed again. Tiffany laughed, too.
“Okee-dokee-do!” said Allison.
Okee-dokee-do was one of Nathan’s favorite expressions.
“Your turn, Allison,” Tiffany said sharply. “Who do you choose?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Allison. “I can’t think of any boy I especially like.”
“How about Carl?” suggested Tiffany.
“No. I don’t know,” said Allison.
“How about Aaron?” asked Laura knowingly.
Allison blushed. “Aaron? It doesn’t matter to me. Okay, Aaron.”
“How about Jonathan?” suggested Tiffany.
“No,” said Allison, “Yolanda wrote Jonathan a note. I guess Aaron will be okay.”
“How about Paul?” suggested Tiffany.
“I said ‘Aaron!’” Allison snapped at her.
Tiffany’s mouth dropped open. She covered it with the palm of her hand and stared at Allison, wide-eyed. She took her hand away and said, “You like Aaron, don’t you?”
Allison shrugged. “He’s okay. He dresses nice.”
Laura and Tiffany broke up laughing. “His grandmother picks out his clothes!” said Tiffany.
“Your turn, Laura,” Allison said brusquely.
“Who do you pick, Laura?” asked Tiffany.
Laura lifted her cap off her head, b
rushed her hair off her face, and put the cap back on. “Gabriel.”
Tiffany and Allison were too stunned to laugh.
“I thought you hated Gabriel,” said Allison.
“I think Gabriel will be a loyal citizen of Pig City,” Laura asserted.
“You said he looked like a two-headed frog,” said Tiffany.
“So,” said Laura, “maybe I like two-headed frogs.” Her friends laughed.
“Aaron’s got nice eyes,” Allison said sweetly.
“Nathan’s as cute as a bug,” said Tiffany.
16
Insurance for Boys
It wasn’t easy trying to think up insurance for boys. They couldn’t ask a boy to give them a pair of his underpants. They didn’t want to ask a boy they liked to call up another girl and tell her he loved her.
These were some other ideas they thought up, then rejected for obvious reasons:
Paint nail polish on their toenails. Then, we’ll take off their shoes if they tell anybody about Pig City. (Tiffany)
Tell them to buy baby dolls at the toy store. Then show the dolls to everyone if they tell anyone about Pig City. (Laura)
Make them give us all their socks. Then we’ll meet them before school every day and give them their pair of socks for the day. If they tell anybody about Pig City, we’ll give them socks that don’t match! (Allison)
Make them drink poison. They have to drink the antidote every day for the rest of their lives or else they’ll die. We’ll be the only ones who have the antidote. If they tell anybody about Pig City, they die! It doesn’t really have to be poison. We can make it ourselves using prune juice, vanilla, and food coloring. They might think that it’s not really poison, but they wouldn’t know for sure. Instead of saying it’s poison, we can tell them it’s a magic love potion. If they don’t take the antidote every day, they’ll fall in love with every girl they see, including dogs and cats. (All three)
Make them cut up onions until they cry. Then we’ll save their tears and show them to everyone if they tell anybody about Pig City, and everyone will call them crybabies. (Laura)
Make them call up a pizza parlor and order twenty large pizzas but not give their name and address. Then if they tell anybody about Pig City, we’ll call the pizza parlor back and tell them where to send the pizzas. (Tiffany)