by Louis Sachar
“With lots of anchovies,” she added.
“That’s the dumbest idea you’ve had yet,” said Allison.
All three girls lay on the floor. Tiffany had one foot in the bean bag chair. The lime slushes, cookies, and pickles were long gone.
“We can make them put on funny clothes,” said Laura, “and then take their picture. My sister left a lot of old clothes at our house. We could make them wear a dress!”
“No, that wouldn’t work for Aaron,” said Tiffany. “He already dresses funny.” She and Laura laughed.
Allison didn’t. “Just because Aaron doesn’t dress like everybody else –” she said. “There’s no law saying you have to wear blue jeans and sneakers! I think Aaron dresses like a perfect gentleman.”
“I think he dresses like a perfect nerd,” said Tiffany.
“Okay, I have another idea,” Laura said after a while. “We can make a tape of each boy saying something stupid. Then, if they tell, we’ll play the tape to the school.”
“No, that wouldn’t work for Nathan,” said Allison. “He always says stupid things.” She and Laura laughed.
Tiffany didn’t. “Nathan says a lot of very intelligent things,” she said. “It’s just that everybody else is too dumb to understand them.”
“Name one smart thing he’s said,” said Allison.
Tiffany thought a moment. “Hey, half a pickle,” she said. She found the rest of her pickle, which had rolled under the television.
“I have an idea,” said Allison. “We can make them write a nasty letter to Mr. Doyle. Then, if they tell anybody about Pig City, we’ll give the letter to Mr. Doyle. They’d have to stay after school and copy a dictionary page.”
“No, that won’t work for Gabriel,” said Tiffany. “He’s always copying dictionary pages.” She and Allison laughed.
Laura didn’t. “It’s not always his fault,” she said. “Everybody always tells on him. He never tells on anybody.”
“How about this?” said Tiffany. “I have the best idea yet.” She smiled mysteriously.
“What?” asked Allison.
“How about this? Before they can join Pig City, we tell them they have to kiss us!”
Laura and Allison looked uncertainly at each other. “How will that work for insurance?” Laura asked.
Tiffany shrugged. “I don’t know.”
This time they all laughed.
17
Arrangements
Laura wrote PIGMENTATION on the blackboard. It was the biggest “pig” word she could find. She had looked through the large hardcover dictionary. She knew she had time because Mr. Doyle was usually a little slow on Monday mornings. He often came late to class, bringing his cup of coffee with him. Laura imagined that was due to wild weekends spent with beautiful and exotic women.
She erased the number 3 next to the rectangle under the word DICTIONARY. She wrote the number 4 in its place. That’ll show him how much he scares me!
Mr. Doyle walked in a couple of minutes late, carrying his cup of coffee. He went straight to the blackboard and erased PIGMENTATION. He walked over to DICTIONARY. When he saw the number had already been changed, he was so surprised it made him drop the chalk. It landed plop into his cup of coffee.
The class was hysterical.
“Okay, settle down,” he said. He pulled out the wet piece of chalk. “How do you take your coffee?” he asked. “Cream and chalk,” he answered.
Everyone laughed again.
Mr. Doyle looked at his cup of coffee as if he was wondering if he could still drink it. “I guess I better start getting here earlier,” he said, glancing up at Laura.
She smiled at him.
She and her friends had finally decided on insurance for the boys. Aaron would have to sing a silly song into the tape recorder. Nathan would have to write a nasty letter to Mr. Doyle. Gabriel would have his picture taken wearing one of Laura’s sister’s old dresses.
They had quickly rejected the idea of kissing them. For one thing, it wouldn’t work for insurance. For another, none of them had the guts to say it to the boys.
At recess, they split up. Allison went to find Aaron. Tiffany went after Nathan.
Laura spoke with Gabriel.
He started to salute, then stopped, remembering what she had told him. “Am I in?” he asked eagerly.
“Ssh! Not so loud,” she cautioned.
He waited.
She took off her cap, wiped her hair off her face, then put the cap back on. “You have to give insurance first.”
“Right, I knew that,” he said.
She told him to come to her house after dinner. She knew Aaron and Nathan were supposed to come right after school.
She met up with Tiffany and Allison. They were both very excited.
“Boys are so dumb,” said Tiffany. “They’ll do anything you tell them!”
“I told Aaron to come to your house and we’d tell him what pigmentation meant,” said Allison. “He said he already knew what it meant – color. I told him that was only the dictionary definition. I said I’d teach him the real meaning.”
“I didn’t tell Nathan nothing,” said Tiffany. “I asked him yes or no? and he said, ‘Okee-dokee-do.’”
The three girls laughed.
“What about you, Laura?” asked Allison. “Is Gabriel coming?”
“Oh, I found out he was grounded,” Laura said. “I guess I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”
Nothing she said was a lie. He had been grounded, and she probably would talk to him tomorrow.
She didn’t want Tiffany and Allison there when Gabriel was initiated. She was afraid they might find out he already knew all about Pig City.
“I hope they’ll agree to give insurance,” said Allison.
“Boys are so dumb,” said Tiffany. “They’ll do anything we tell ’em.”
18
Nathan and Aaron
After school, the Pig City executives waited at Laura’s house for Aaron and Nathan. They were so nervous, they laughed at anything anybody said. They laughed when Laura’s mother asked them if they would like a frozen pizza.
“Of course, I’ll heat it up first,” she explained.
That made them laugh harder.
She shrugged. “I should be a comedian.”
“We don’t want any pizza,” said Laura.
“Thank you, anyway,” said Allison.
“Yeah, thanks,” said Tiffany, then she cracked up again.
When the doorbell rang, the laughter ceased.
They all got up to answer it.
Nathan and Aaron stood on the other side of the door.
“Hi,” said Nathan.
“Hi,” said Allison.
“Hi,” said Laura.
“Hi,” said Aaron.
“Hi,” said Tiffany.
“Hi,” Nathan said again.
“C’mon, let’s go,” said Laura. She, Tiffany, and Allison stepped outside. Aaron and Nathan stepped inside. They crashed in the middle.
“This way,” said Laura. She led them around the side of the house to the backyard, then into the clubhouse. Nathan was first. They told Aaron to wait outside.
“Wowie zowie,” said Nathan as he looked around the Dog House. He sat on the bed.
Tiffany sat next to him. Her right leg and Nathan’s left leg were less than an inch apart. Laura sat in the swinging chair, and Allison was on the giant purple bean bag.
“We’re about to tell you a secret,” said Laura. “You must never repeat any of it to anybody.”
“I won’t,” he said. “Cross my liver.” He made an X over his left side where his liver was, or at least where Laura thought it was. She didn’t know for sure.
“We need insurance,” said Allison.
“You mean like life insurance?”
“You have to write a nasty letter to Mr. Doyle,” said Tiffany. “We’ll tell you what you have to write.”
“Then, if you break your vow of secrecy,” said Allison, “we’ll
give him your letter.”
“Hey, that’s neat,” said Nathan. “That’s clever.”
They gave him a piece of paper and a pen. He leaned over and wrote on the top of the coffee table as the three girls dictated to him.
“Dear Mr. Doyle,” Allison began.
Dear Mr. Doyle, wrote Nathan.
“You stink,” said Laura.
You stink, he wrote.
They made it up as they went along.
“You are the most ugliest teacher in the school!” said Tiffany.
“You’re too stupid to be a teacher!” said Laura.
“And you have bad breath,” said Allison.
“Wait, not so fast,” said Nathan, as he furiously tried to keep up. “‘Have bad breath.’ Go on.”
“I hate you,” said Laura. She waited for him to finish. “Then sign it, ‘Sincerely, Nathan.’”
Nathan finished the letter. Laura read it over, then gave it to Allison. She put it in the treasure chest.
Nathan’s and Tiffany’s legs were now touching, but they each pretended not to notice.
“Welcome to Pig City,” said Laura, nose and fist together.
Nathan returned the salute. “I’m proud to be a member of such a fine organization,” he said.
Aaron was next.
Between the time Nathan left and Aaron entered, Tiffany and Allison switched positions. Allison was on the bed. Tiffany was on the beans.
Aaron sat next to Allison. He wore brown slacks and hard shoes. His shirt looked freshly ironed. His hair was neatly combed. You could tell just by looking at Aaron that he always wore clean underwear, too.
“I thought clubs were illegal,” he said.
“What club?” asked Allison.
“I don’t know anything about a club,” said Tiffany.
Aaron smiled. “I don’t know anything about a club, either.”
Allison smiled at him.
For his insurance, he had to sing a song into the tape recorder.
It had three verses. Each girl had written a different verse. Allison handed him a piece of paper with all the words. “You have to sing this,” she said. “Then if you tell anybody what we tell you, we’ll play the tape for the whole school, over the PA system.”
“It’s to the tune of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb,’” said Tiffany.
Aaron looked it over. “Okay, I’m ready,” he said. He put the paper down. He had it memorized.
Laura handed Aaron the microphone, turned her cassette player to record, and signaled for him to start.
He sang:
“I am such a stupid jerk,
Stupid jerk, stupid jerk,
I am such a stupid jerk,
I don’t have a brain.”
That verse was written by Laura. She didn’t dare look at Tiffany. If she did, she knew they’d both crack up.
Allison listened serenely to Aaron’s serenade.
“I just love to pick my nose,
Pick my nose, pick my nose,
I just love to pick my nose,
It is so much fun.”
That was Tiffany’s verse. The last one was Allison’s.
“I’m in love with every girl,
Every girl, every girl,
I’m in love with every girl,
In Mr. Doyle’s class.”
Laura turned off the recorder. Allison clapped her hands.
19
A Dress for Gabriel
Laura quickly gobbled down her dinner, hardly pausing for a breath of air. “May I be excused?” she asked.
“We don’t have a daughter,” said her father. “We have a vacuum cleaner.”
Laura laughed.
“You know, you really shouldn’t eat so fast,” said her mother. “It’s not good for the digestion.”
“Too late now,” said Laura.
“You may be excused,” her father told her.
She rinsed off her plate in the sink, then stuck it in the dishwasher. She hurried to the back of the house to get ready for Gabriel. She went into her sister’s old room.
When her sister had moved into her own apartment, she left a lot of old clothes behind. Most of them were pretty tacky. Laura thought they’d be perfect for Gabriel.
She rummaged through the dresses hanging in the closet. She took out a frilly white one and held it up in front of her, trying to imagine how it would look on Gabriel. She shook her head.
She stuck her head back in the closet, then gasped with delight. She saw the perfect dress for Gabriel.
It was a Hawaiian muumuu. It was bright pink with lots of big yellow and purple flowers.
He’ll look so pretty in it, she thought.
She brought it to her room and laid it delicately on her bed. She dragged her desk chair to her closet, stood on it, and got her camera down from the shelf.
It was the type of camera that developed the pictures itself in sixty seconds. She checked to make sure it was loaded.
Her eyes turned to the muumuu. “Just divine,” she said out loud. It was large enough that Gabriel could wear it over his clothes. He would just have to roll up his pant legs and shirt sleeves so they wouldn’t show, and take off his shoes and socks.
She wondered why the dress was called a muumuu. Maybe because it’s big enough for a cow! she thought. Moo moo. She smiled at her joke. She’d have to remember to tell it to Gabriel.
She made sure her parents weren’t watching, then brought the camera and the dress out back to the Dog House. She draped the dress over the television and put the camera on top of it. She returned to her room and waited.
Gabriel stood outside the front door. Maybe, he hoped. What if Laura found out he really didn’t know anything about Pig City? He wondered what she meant by insurance. Somehow, he had to get her to explain it all to him, then act like he already knew it. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe … Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura. He rang the doorbell.
“I got it!” Laura shouted. She ran down the hall, past her mother. She stopped just before the door. She took off her cap, wiped her hair back off her face, then put the cap back on. She opened the door.
“Hi,” said Gabriel.
She was glad Gabriel knew all about Pig City. She wouldn’t have to go through a lot of explanations. “C’mon, let’s go to the Dog House.”
“To the Dog House,” said Gabriel.
They went through the living room, which was a big mistake. Her parents stopped them and asked her to introduce him to them, and then everybody said how nice it was to meet each other. Laura waited impatiently.
They went out the back door. “Yep, there’s the Dog House,” said Gabriel. There was no mistaking it. He walked inside. She followed.
He sat in the swinging chair.
She was going to tell him that that was her chair, but then she decided it didn’t matter. She sat on the bed. She glanced quickly at the dress and camera lying on the television, then her eyes turned to Gabriel.
He swiveled around in the chair, looking at everything.
“What do you think?” she asked him.
“Just as I expected,” he said.
“Okay, here’s the thing,” said Laura. “Even though you already know about Pig City, you still have to give insurance, just to make it official.”
“Right. I know that,” he said.
Laura smiled. She got the treasure chest out from under the bed. “You know what this is?” she asked.
“A treasure chest,” said Gabriel.
Laura nodded. “Inside are the Treasures of Pig City,” she said. “It’s where we put everybody’s insurance.” She sat back down on the bed.
Gabriel snapped his fingers. “Oh, I just remembered,” he said. “I left my insurance at home. Why don’t you let me use somebody else’s insurance for now, and then I’ll bring my own insurance to school tomorrow.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing. Never mind.”
“I pick your insurance,” said Laura. “You don�
�t get to bring your own.”
“Right. I knew that,” said Gabriel. “I was making a joke.”
“Okay,” said Laura. She looked at the muumuu. She wondered if Gabriel would really agree to wear it. She thought about Aaron and Nathan, how quickly they had agreed to do what they were told. But Gabriel was different. Aaron and Nathan were followers. Gabriel was a leader.
“Okay, here’s the thing,” said Laura. “Now you have to agree to do whatever I say.”
“I will.”
“Once I tell you what your insurance is, you can’t change your mind.”
“I won’t.”
“Okay, here’s the thing,” said Laura. She stopped.
“What?” he asked.
“Okay, this is what you have to do.”
“What?”
She took off her cap and wiped her hair off her face. The hat stayed off.
“What do I have to do?” he asked.
“You have to kiss me.”
PART TWO
The Monkey Town Wars
20
The Kiss
They remained where they were, Gabriel in the swinging chair, Laura on the bed.
Gabriel said, “What?”
“You heard me,” Laura whispered.
It had surprised her almost as much as it had Gabriel, and she was the one who said it. She was all set to tell him he had to put on the muumuu, but somehow those other words came out.
They stayed glued to their chairs.
The best way to explain Laura’s change of heart is like this: Before, she had to kiss him. Now, he had to kiss her. That was a big difference.
She took a deep breath. She felt her heart beating. She imagined herself kissing him, then raising her fist to her nose and saying very sexily, “Welcome to Pig City.”
“What’s so funny?” Gabriel asked.
She shook her head. She hadn’t realized she was smiling.
They stared into each other’s eyes.
Gabriel climbed out of the swinging chair.
Laura stood up. She felt tingly all over. “Have you ever kissed a girl before?” she whispered.
“No,” he said. “Have you?”
She laughed.
He did, too. “I mean, have you ever kissed a boy?”