by Louis Sachar
She shook her head. “I never would have chosen it for your insurance,” she said, “except it was your idea in the first place.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know. What you said in the note you wrote me.”
“What are you talking about?” Gabriel’s voice was an octave higher than usual. He cleared his throat.
“You know,” said Laura.
“No, I don’t.” His voice was still way up there.
“You said if I didn’t kiss you, you’d tell everyone about Pig City.” Thinking about it again made her angry.
“What are you talking about?”
Laura put her hands on her hips and stared at him. She recited the note from memory. “‘Hey Laura, I know all about Pig City. If you don’t kiss me, I will tell the whole school. You have ugly hair. Your humble servant, Gabriel.’”
“Are you crazy?” Gabriel asked.
“You wrote it, not me,” said Laura.
“I never said you had to kiss me!”
“Don’t lie to me,” said Laura. “I read it, remember. You put it in my desk.”
“You’re the one who’s lying,” said Gabriel.
That did it. Nobody called her a liar. “Get out!” she exclaimed. “You’re not allowed in Pig City! I’ll never kiss you! And you’re too ugly to wear a dress!”
“Yeah, well you’re too ugly to wear a suit and tie!” snapped Gabriel.
They shouted at each other, using every bad word they knew and some they didn’t know.
“If you cut your hair every time you told a lie, you’d be bald!” said Gabriel.
“Get out!” Laura screamed. “Liars aren’t allowed in the Dog House!”
“Then what are you still doing here?”
“You’re repulsive,” she said. “No girl will ever want to kiss you, not for your whole life.”
“At least I didn’t kiss you. I probably would have gotten warts all over my face.”
“You are a wart.”
“You’re a canker sore.”
“Get out of here! Go crawl back where you came from.”
“Oink, oink,” said Gabriel.
“That’s so stupid.”
“Oink, oink,” he repeated. He stepped out and slammed the door behind him. It bounced back open.
Laura remained alone in the Dog House. She tore her sister’s purple and pink Hawaiian muumuu to shreds.
21
Slow Torture
Laura stared through the hole in her cinnamon doughnut. It had been three days since her fight with Gabriel. She’d hardly slept or eaten anything since. She felt like she was losing control.
As far as she knew, Gabriel hadn’t told anybody about Pig City, yet. She knew he would. Still, she continued to write her messages on the board. On Tuesday she wrote, PIGS FOREVER! and on Wednesday, PIGS ARE WINNERS! She had to. If she didn’t, the citizens of Pig City would know something was wrong. And she couldn’t let Gabriel know she was afraid of him. But the more messages she put up, the more dictionary pages she’d have to copy when he finally told.
He kept almost telling. He’d raise his hand as if he was going to tell on her, but instead he’d make some kind of ordinary comment. She knew he was doing it on purpose, to torture her.
“Don’t you think you should eat something a little more substantial for breakfast than just a doughnut?” asked her mother.
“Let me make you an egg,” offered her father.
“No!” she screamed.
“Laura!” scolded her mother.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “You know I hate eggs.” She was almost in tears.
All her life, it seemed, people were trying to force eggs down her throat. “I know you don’t like it soft-boiled, but try it hard-boiled,” they’d say. Or, “Try my egg salad, it doesn’t taste like eggs.” Or, “Have you ever tasted quiche? It’s nothing like regular eggs.” No matter how you cook it, an egg is an egg is an egg.
She sighed. She knew it wasn’t eggs that had her so upset. It was Gabriel, the biggest rotten egg of them all.
“Oh, I know what’s the matter with Laura,” said her father.
“Nothing’s the matter!” she snapped.
“Remember that boy who came by the other evening?” her father continued. “What was his name? Gabriel?”
She stared at him in horror.
“So?” said her mother.
“It’s obvious,” said her father. “She doesn’t eat. She doesn’t sleep.” He smiled. “Laura’s in love.”
She screamed.
She went to school and sneaked into Mr. Doyle’s room. The number 6 was next to the rectangle under the word DICTIONARY. Her hand shook as she wrote PIGS ARE SUPREME in the center of the blackboard. There was no way she could copy six – make that seven, dictionary pages.
Everyone laughed when they saw her message. “It sounds like something you’d eat at Jack in the Box,” laughed Karen. “A Pig Supreme!”
Mr. Doyle erased it and told the class to settle down. He put the number 7 next to the rectangle. “Yes, Gabriel.”
Gabriel lowered his hand. “I have something to say about those things that somebody keeps writing on the board,” he said.
Laura closed her eyes.
“I don’t think they’re very funny,” Gabriel said. “Everybody always laughs, but I don’t think we should. It disrupts the class and just encourages whoever is writing them. Like today’s, “Pigs Are Supreme.” What’s funny about that? Nothing.”
“Thank you, Gabriel,” said Mr. Doyle. “Your point is well taken.”
Gabriel turned and smiled at Laura. He brought his fist to his nose and lowered it.
She pretended not to notice. Her leg was shaking. She almost wished Gabriel would tell Mr. Doyle and get it over with.
Just before recess, he raised his hand again.
“Yes, Gabriel.”
“Oh, I was just stretching,” he said. “I wasn’t raising my hand.”
Laura walked very slowly out to recess. She stood on the steps in front of the school and watched the other members of Pig City salute each other; five girls and two boys. She was their leader. Somehow, she had to be strong. George Washington never complained about the cold weather when he was at Valley Forge.
“Laura?” someone said behind her.
She turned to see Karen.
“Would it be okay if I joined Pig City?” Karen asked.
Laura stared at her, thunderstruck.
“Yolanda said I should ask you,” said Karen. “She said you’re the president.”
Laura called Allison and Tiffany over and asked Karen to repeat what she had said to them.
“I asked Laura if I could join Pig City,” said Karen.
They were aghast.
“And why did you ask me?” asked Laura.
“Yolanda said you’re the president,” said Karen. “She told me to ask you. What’s the matter? Did I say something wrong?”
For the first time in three days, Laura smiled.
22
Dancing on the Edge of a Razor Blade
Dearest Darling Jonathan,
I’m madly in love with you. I dream about kissing you all the time. You’re so handsome. I’d love to run my fingers through your hair.
Love,
Yolanda
Laura placed the note inside Jonathan’s desk.
Yolanda was so shy, Laura couldn’t imagine what she’d do. Maybe she’ll run away and become a nun, she thought.
But Yolanda knew the rules. She knew this would happen if she told anybody about Pig City, even Karen.
It might have been the worst thing that could have happened to Yolanda, but it was the best thing that could have happened to Laura. Now, if Gabriel blabbed about Pig City, Yolanda would be blamed for it, or Karen. Laura would still have to copy seven dictionary pages, but that was the least of her worries. Seven dictionary pages no longer seemed like a lot to her. Make that eight!
She went to the b
lackboard and tried to think of something great to write. Nothing came to her.
Laura stared foolishly at the blackboard. She began to get nervous. It was silly, but she couldn’t think of anything to write. Her mind was blank.
It was getting late. She had to write something and get out of there quickly. Think, Laura, think, she thought.
She wrote something, then shoved the piece of chalk into her pants pocket and hurried out of the room. She walked a little too quickly. Several teachers looked at her suspiciously, but didn’t say anything.
Allison and Tiffany were outside waiting for her. “Did you put it in his desk?” asked Allison.
Laura took off her cap, wiped her hair back off her face, then put the cap back on. “Yes.”
Tiffany shrieked.
The other members of Pig City were standing around the tetherball pole. There was no tetherball, only a pole.
Everyone raised and lowered their fists.
“Laura has an important announcement to make,” Tiffany announced.
Everyone waited.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news,” said Laura. Tiffany and Allison smiled.
Laura looked at Yolanda, standing quietly with her hands folded in front of her. “Yolanda is no longer a member of Pig City,” Laura stated. “She has violated our sacred trust! She has broken her vow of secrecy!”
Everyone looked at Yolanda.
“What?” she uttered. “I didn’t …”
“You told Karen!” Tiffany accused.
Yolanda’s golden skin turned white. She looked from one person to another. “But she – I mean, Karen wouldn’t –”
“We have already redeemed your insurance,” said Laura.
Yolanda put her hands over her face, then ran away.
“What was Yolanda’s insurance?” asked Kristin.
“She had to write a love letter to a boy,” said Allison.
Tiffany giggled.
“Which boy?” asked Nathan.
“Jonathan,” Debbie asserted.
Laura looked at Debbie. “How did you know?”
“Was I right?” asked Debbie. “I knew it! Yolanda’s been in love with Jonathan since the fourth grade. Except she’s so shy.”
“What’d the letter say?” asked Kristin.
Laura was too embarrassed to repeat it in front of the boys.
Tiffany wasn’t. “‘Dearest Darling Jonathan.’” She giggled. “‘I’m madly in love with you!’” She laughed harder. “‘I dream about kissing you all the time!’” She was hysterical. “‘You’re so handsome!’” She fell to her knees, unable to finish.
Everyone else was laughing with her.
Tiffany covered her face with her hands and squealed, “‘I’d love to run my fingers through your hair!’”
Kristin and Nathan screamed.
“Where’s the note?” asked Aaron.
“I put it in Jonathan’s desk,” said Laura.
“Oh, no!” exclaimed Kristin.
Everyone hooted and howled. Nathan lay on the ground and pounded the blacktop with his fist. Kristin hugged the tetherball pole.
No one noticed Mr. Doyle, who walked up to them and stood with his arms crossed, watching. “Glad to see you’re all so happy,” he said at last.
They stopped laughing. “Good morning, Mr. Doyle,” said Nathan.
“Good morning, Nathan, Tiffany, Allison, Debbie, Laura. I wonder. Do you think there’s anything written on the board this morning, Laura?”
“Yes, I do,” she replied.
“And what is that?” he asked.
“There’s the word ‘Dictionary,’” she said, “and under that is a rectangle and next to that is the number seven.”
“Yes, that’s still there, isn’t it? But one of these days there will be a name in the rectangle. A word to the wise.” He smiled and headed back toward the school building.
“He knows!” whispered Debbie. “He knows it’s you.”
“He only thinks he knows,” said Nathan. “He doesn’t know he knows.”
Laura smiled confidently. She stuck her hand in her pocket and felt the piece of chalk. The smile dropped off her face.
She didn’t remember sticking the chalk in her pocket. That was a stupid thing to do. She had made a mistake. If Mr. Doyle had seen it, then he would have had all the proof he needed.
“What’s wrong, Laura?” asked Allison.
She shook her head.
They lined up for class. Yolanda was ahead of them in line, next to Karen. Gabriel was behind them.
Laura was dancing on the edge of a razor blade. She couldn’t afford to make mistakes.
She heard the kids ahead of her laugh when they entered the room. She smiled. She was glad they liked her message, especially after Gabriel’s speech.
She pushed through the yellow curtain and glanced at the board. Then she looked at it again. Then she looked at it a third time. Written in the center of the board were the words:
PIGS STINK!
The citizens of Pig City were all staring at her. They wore big questions marks on their faces.
23
Poor Yolanda
Laura was stunned. She put her hand down on somebody’s desk to steady herself.
“Get your fat paw off my desk!” said Sheila.
Laura regained control. She let her hand rest on Sheila’s desk for a second longer than necessary, then elegantly raised it, like a queen might raise her hand for a knight to kiss. Her long hair swished in Sheila’s face as she turned and walked to her seat.
I know I didn’t write that, she thought. I wrote PIGS THINK, didn’t I? She wasn’t sure. She remembered how flustered she became when she couldn’t think of anything to write. She stuck the chalk in her pocket without realizing it. Is it possible I wrote PIGS STINK instead of PIGS THINK?
She closed her eyes and tried to get a picture of the blackboard, the way it was earlier, in her mind. Nothing came to her.
Okay, if I didn’t write it, who else could have written it? The answer came to her instantly. She turned and looked at Gabriel.
He was looking straight ahead. His face gave away nothing.
Well, if he wrote it, that’s good. Then he can’t tell on me for writing on the board anymore.
Her eyes went from Gabriel to Sheila sitting behind him. She could have written it, too, Laura realized. Sheila hates me. But she doesn’t know about Pig City. Unless Gabriel told her.
In front of Gabriel sat Karen. Karen knew about Pig City. Maybe Karen wrote it because we wouldn’t let her join. Or Yolanda because we gave her note to Jonathan.
She wondered if Jonathan had found the note yet. She could see only the back of Jonathan’s blond head. His ears looked a little red.
PIGS STINK remained on the board. Mr. Doyle had changed the number next to the rectangle from 7 to 8 but didn’t erase the message.
Aha! she thought triumphantly. You think you’re so clever, don’t you! Well, it won’t work, Mr. Doyle! You don’t fool me.
It had to be Mr. Doyle who wrote it, she realized. It was a trick to try and trap her. That was why he hadn’t erased it.
Good try, Mr. Doyle! Laura thought. She had it all figured out. He would leave the message up there all day, staring at her, trying to break her. He wanted her to admit she wrote the other messages by saying that someone had changed what she had written. You must think I’m really stupid, Mr. Doyle.
He erased the board.
Laura shook her head. I must be going crazy.
“Why’d you write ‘Pigs Stink’?” Allison asked, fist on nose, on their way out to recess.
“I didn’t write it.” She hoped it wasn’t a lie. If she said something she thought was true, but realized it might have been false, and then it turned out to be false, did that make it a lie? She shook her head. Now I’m thinking like Nathan! I don’t even make sense to myself.
Debbie approached. Fists went to noses and back again.
“Why’d you write ‘Pigs Stink
’?” asked Debbie.
“She didn’t write it,” said Allison.
“I wrote ‘Pigs Think’,” said Laura. “Somebody changed it.”
“Who?” asked Debbie.
She shrugged.
“Hey, why’d you write ‘Pigs Stink’?” demanded Tiffany.
Laura waited for everyone to gather, then told them all for the last time that she didn’t write it, and she didn’t know who did.
“It has to be someone who knows about Pig City,” said Kristin.
“Yolanda!” declared Debbie. “Because of what we did to her.”
“Maybe,” said Laura. “But she didn’t find out until just before class started. I don’t know if she had time.”
“How about Karen?” said Tiffany. “She knows about us, too. And we wouldn’t let her join.”
“Yolanda or Karen could have told somebody else,” said Aaron. “It could be anybody.”
“It doesn’t have to be somebody who knows anything about us,” said Nathan. “I mean, Laura’s been writing stuff about pigs every day. Maybe it’s just someone who’s sick of seeing how great pigs are. I mean –”
“Spit it out,” said Debbie.
“Whatever happened with Gabriel?” asked Tiffany.
“Mr. Doyle might have written it,” said Laura.
“Mr. Doyle?” they all said together.
“Yes, Mr. Doyle,” Laura answered. “He’s trying to trick me into admitting that I’m the one who’s been writing all the pig messages, by making me deny that I wrote ‘Pigs Stink.’”
“That makes sense,” said Nathan.
“Not to me it doesn’t,” said Kristin.
“I want to know what Gabriel knows,” said Tiffany.
“Why Gabriel?” asked Aaron.
“Laura was going to ask him to join,” Tiffany explained. “Each of us was supposed to ask a boy. I asked Nathan, Allison asked you, and Laura was supposed to ask Gabriel.”
“I told you,” said Laura. “I changed my mind.”
“But you never said why,” said Tiffany.
“Yes, she did,” said Allison. “She said she hated him.”
“But she said that before, too,” Tiffany pointed out.
“It could have been Gabriel,” Laura admitted. “It could have been like Nathan said. Gabriel got tired of seeing all the pig messages, so he changed ‘Pigs Think’ to ‘Pigs Stink’ because he thought it was funny.”