Secret Lives

by Diane Chamberlain

  That feeling of not being able to breathe came over me real fast as I was sitting there trying to be polite. Nobody was talking to me, which was fine because I like the feeling of being invisible. Matt was talking to a boy he knew and I finally had to get up and leave the room. I started exploring Priscilla's house. It is a large old white farmhouse. Priscilla's family isn't rich but you would think so by the size of her house.

  The downstairs rooms were all full of partiers so I walked upstairs where I could get my breath easier. It was wonderful up there, dark and quiet like the cave. I started quietly down the hall but stopped when I heard sounds coming from the end of the hall. I let my eyes get used to the darkness and saw that it was a girl and a boy, and it was not so dark that I couldn't tell what they were doing. I got a glimpse of the boy's naked backside before I stepped into an open doorway. I was embarrassed at first and I just stood there shaking, hoping they hadn't seen me.

  It went on a long while and I was afraid to leave the room for fear they'd see me. I thought for sure I was going to pass out. Finally I could hear them talking and putting their clothes back in order. Their voices got louder as they walked down the hall, and by the time they walked past the room where I was hiding, they were laughing up a storm. I peeked out—I just couldn't help myself—and saw that the girl was Sara Jane!

  I hate her! She may as well have stuck a knife in my side for all the pain I felt just then. My brother is fighting for his country and she is cheating on him.

  I jumped out of the room behind them.

  “Sara Jane!” I said.

  She turned around, but it was too dark for me to see the expression on her face.

  “Kate? Is that you?” she asked.

  “I saw you,” I said.

  “Who is that?” the boy with her asked. I recognized him. His name is Tommy Miller and his father owns the bakery in Coolbrook.

  “No one,” Sara Jane said, not making me feel any more kindly towards her. “Kate, I don't know what you're talking about.”

  “I saw you fucking.” It was the first time I ever used that word, but it won't be the last. I loved the way it sounded when it came out of my mouth and it wasn't too dark to see the horror in Sara Jane's face when I said it. Her face is as big and fat as a pumpkin.

  “It's your imagination, Kate,” Sara Jane said, right calmly. She turned to Tommy. “Kate writes stories. She has a very vivid imagination.”

  “Ah,” said Tommy, as if that explained everything and the problem was solved.

  “Let's go back to the party,” Sara Jane said, to both of us. I followed them down the stairs, thinking the whole way about pushing her head over heels to the floor.

  Downstairs, I found Matt in the middle of a group of Priscilla's cousins (all girls) who were captivated by his dark eyes. I was shaking and felt sick as a dog. I wanted to ask him if we could leave, but I hated to take him away when he looked as if he was enjoying himself. I was going to tell him I'd wait for him outside, but he must have seen I was upset because he excused himself from the girls and took my arm.

  “Ready to go if you are,” he said.

  Once in the car I told him what I'd seen and he said I should tell Kyle. “If I were in his shoes I'd want to know what she was doing behind my back.”

  I wasn't sure, and I'm still not sure. It might be better to learn the truth about her when he gets home and has Matt and me to cheer him up. If I wrote to him about it—well, I can picture him opening the letter and having no one to talk it over with. It would upset him. It might affect his concentration just when he needs to be alert and looking out for himself.

  –16–

  Rain pelted the thin cabin roof and Ben sat up to look out the window. A downpour. He switched on the radio he kept under his bed and listened for the weather report. Rain until late afternoon, clearing this evening. Damn. That meant no work at the site, no chance to see Eden.

  He watched drops of rain falling from the ceiling near the bathroom, a puddle forming on the floor below. He could spend the day working on that leak. Or reading. Maybe write a letter to Sam. He smiled to himself because for the first time in months he had not even considered suicide as an alternative to spending a day alone.

  Kyle called just as Ben was getting out of the shower. “Do you want to join us for a barbecue tonight?” he asked. “Just hamburgers and such. Rain's supposed to quit around four.”

  Ben grinned, tightened the towel around his waist. “Yeah, I would. Thanks.”

  “And listen, Ben,” Kyle continued. “I'm worried about you and Eden. She hasn't been divorced all that long, you know. She puts on a good show—that's her forte—but she's still a little on the shaky side.”

  “So am I,” he said, hurt.

  “You have to tell her the truth about your divorce.”

  “I will, Kyle. But I need some time. It's not the kind of thing you can just blurt out to someone.”

  “You're not being fair to her.”

  He didn't want to hear that. “I wanted her to get to know me before I told her, so she'd believe me.”

  “Sharon knew you for a decade and she still didn't believe you.

  Ben flinched as the cruelness of Kyle's remark cut through him.

  “I'm sorry,” Kyle said when Ben didn't respond. “I'll go to bat for you after you tell her, Ben. I'll tell her I think you were railroaded. But it's only fair she know the truth.”

  “And I'll tell her.” He felt his voice rise and worked to lower it. “Just not quite yet. I'd like to feel like a normal person leading a normal life for a change. And Kyle?” He hoped Kyle would let him change the subject. “She told me about the skeleton in the cave.”

  “What about it?” Kyle's voice was ice.

  “Well…” Ben hesitated. He had never felt this awkward talking to Kyle before. “What happened to it?”

  “There were three actually,” Kyle said after a moment's pause. “I went in to take a bone from the one in the late fifties when radiocarbon dating caught on. I found a couple more back there.”

  “And…?”

  Kyle took a long time to answer. “Two thousand B.C.,” he said finally.

  Ben stood up. “Why didn't you tell me this?”

  “It's moot, that's why. The skeletons are in the cave—the cave is sealed and is going to stay sealed.”

  “But Kyle, those skeletons could give a whole new meaning to the site.” Just yards away from the pits was a chance to save Lynch Hollow.

  “The subject's closed, Ben.”

  Ben was quiet for a moment. He was completely unaccustomed to Kyle's anger. “I was just thinking of the grant,” he said softly.

  “I'll tell Lou and Eden you're coming tonight?”

  “Yes, please.” He hung up with a heaviness in his chest. He'd stop by the liquor store and pick up some of Kyle's favorite grape brandy. And he wouldn't mention the skeleton again. But what should he do about Eden? He had to tell her, but he knew what would happen when he did. He'd lose what little he had of her. He'd be alone again. Kyle was right. How could he expect Eden to believe him when even his own wife thought he was guilty?

  –17–

  Even in the rain Eden could smell the aroma of baking bread as she climbed the outside stairs to the apartment above Miller's Bakery. Sara Jane opened the door for her before she reached the landing.

  “Come on in, Miss Riley. Why, you're soaked right through!”

  Eden left her umbrella on the landing and stepped into the small living room, where the yeasty smell filled the air. She felt it settle on her damp skin and lace itself through her hair, and she knew she would carry this scent with her for the rest of the day.

  The living room was exactly what she had expected: dark green carpeting, yellow floral wallpaper, family photographs crowding the top of the television. Three children giggled together from behind the toothpick-thin legs of a tall, balding man, and two women—one about Eden's age, the other a little older—sat together on the couch, grinning at her.


  “Oh, I hope you don't mind this.” Sara Jane swung one helium-filled arm through the air. “But they all wanted to meet you. Janie has her little autograph book out and all. Soon as they say hi, they'll be going and you and I can talk in private about the movie.”

  Eden smiled. “Well, who's who?” She peeked at one of the little girls, who shrank, giggling, deeper behind her grandfather's legs.

  “This here's my husband, Tom.” Sara Jane grabbed the elbow of the dangerously thin man and drew him forward.

  “Pleased to meet you, miss,” he said as she shook his hand. “We're big fans of yours. No one round here ever misses an Eden Riley picture.”

  “Thanks,” Eden said. “And please call me Eden.”

  The man nodded. “Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll get you gals some refreshments.” He stepped out of the room and Eden lowered herself to her haunches.

  “And who are these three?”

  Without Tom's legs to hang on to the two smaller girls clung to the arms of the older child, who thrust a blue autograph book toward Eden.

  “Grandkids,” said Sara Jane. “They belong to Maggie there.”

  Eden looked over at the sofa where the two women sat. One of them, Maggie presumably, had a wry, bored smile on her face, and she gave Eden a little salute. Eden noticed with a jolt that the woman next to her had no arms, just hands dangling from her shoulders. She kept her smile in place and turned back to the little ones.

  “Now come on, Janie,” Sara Jane said. “Get your autograph and then you got to be on your way.”

  Eden signed Janie's book and talked with the two younger girls for a minute before standing again. Then Maggie rose from the couch, stretched, and kissed her mother's cheek. “We'll get out of your way, Mama.” She shook Eden's hand, while the little girls latched on to their mother's legs. “Heart of Winter was hot.” She gave Eden a conspiratorial grin, as if she and Eden were the only people in the room who could understand what she meant. “Is Michael Carey as good as he looks?”

  Eden laughed. “I hate to disappoint you, Maggie, but I wouldn't know.”

  Sara Jane gave her daughter a little shove. “Hush, Maggie, now get out of here. Miss Riley doesn't have all day, I'm sure."

  Once Maggie was gone, Eden braced herself and turned to face the woman on the couch. She was strikingly pretty, although her round face was beginning to bloat like her mother's. “I'm Eden,” she said. She stopped herself from reaching out her hand.

  “This is Eleanor, our first daughter,” said Sara Jane. “Say hi, Ellie.”

  Ellie smiled. “Hi. You're the beautiful witch.” Her words were heavy and slurred.

  “That's right. Did you like that movie?”

  Ellie nodded as Tom returned to the room with a tray laden with cinnamon buns and a teapot.

  “Ellie was a favorite of your mama's,” Sara Jane said.

  Eden started to say, “She was?” then caught herself.

  “C'mon, Ellie.” Tom tugged at his daughter's shoulder. “Let's give your ma and Miss Riley some privacy.” Ellie rose obediently and followed her father out of the room with a foot-dragging gait that put a lump in Eden's throat.

  Once they had left the room, Sara Jane let out an enormous sigh, then turned to smile at Eden. “Have a seat, dear.” She pointed to the sofa and Eden sat down and pulled her tape recorder from her purse. Sara Jane stopped pouring the tea and her eyes widened. “You're going to tape me?”

  “I'd like to. Do you mind?”

  “No, I guess not. I'm delighted as could be you want to speak to me. I hope I can help.”

  “I really appreciate it. I'd like to know about my mother from your perspective. Kyle's is a little biased.”

  “Oh, your mother was a delightful girl, so pretty and smart.” Sara Jane handed Eden her tea. “She could write—even as a young girl. My, how she could…”

  “Mrs. Miller.” Eden smiled. “You don't have to spare my feelings. I want to deal with reality. I don't think anyone thought of my mother as delightful. Plus, I should tell you that she kept a journal from the time she was thirteen, which I have.”

  Sara Jane's eyes widened. “Does she mention me in it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, Lordy. Well, I'm sure she didn't have anything too kind to say about me.”

  “But it's obvious that my uncle cared about you.”

  Sara Jane beamed with pleasure, her skin so flushed that Eden could almost see the blood pulsing beneath it. “Well, you want the truth about your mother? I can give it to you in two sentences. Your mama was crazy. And she was in love with Kyle. She was brighter than the rest of us, and sometimes—well, ignorance can be bliss, you know. I think she had a price to pay for being smart.”

  “What do you mean, she was in love with Kyle?”

  “She had an attachment to that boy that went beyond the typical brother-sister sort of thing, you know? Kyle and I were close friends and—” Sara Jane clamped her little rosebud lips shut and tapped her fingertip against them. “Exactly how much do you know?”

  “I know you and Kyle were lovers.”

  Sara Jane sat up straight, eyes big as angel food cakes. “Oh, my. You don't mince words, now do you? Sort of like your mama. She could be straightforward like nobody else. Well, what I meant about her and Kyle was…she wanted to be with him all the time, and he'd sometimes tell me he couldn't go out because he should stay with her, like she was an invalid or something. She was right jealous of me, I know that. I was so glad when Matt—when your father finally came along because she let Kyle go a little.”

  “What was he like? Matthew Riley?”

  “A good match for your ma, that's what. He was smart as she was and bookish like her. Only he was respected where she was just thought of as a little…off, you know? When we all found out about the cave, we knew she was even weirder than we'd imagined.” Sara Jane bit her minuscule lower lip. “I'm sorry, dear. I'm speaking very rudely to you. But you said…”

  “That's all right. Go on.”

  “Of course, when her books started coming out we could hardly believe it was the same girl we knew who'd written them. They were wonderful, but it took me a long time to realize that. I guess I didn't give them a chance at first because I disliked Kate so much. And yet, she had a soft side. That was the most confusing thing about her, something I've never known how to make out. When Ellie was born, and Kate found out about her, about her hands, she came over here to visit. We were about twenty years old at the time, and she rode a bicycle over here from Lynch Hollow. She never went anywhere, so you can imagine my shock when I opened the door and saw her standing there. I didn't trust her a whit. I thought she'd come to make nasty cracks about my baby. But she had an armful of flowers she'd picked for me. And I let her in, mostly because I was too stunned to do anything else. She came in and sat down. She seemed real nervous, but in those days your mama…I think she had that sickness where you can't leave your house, you know?”

  Eden nodded.

  “Anytime I saw her out she had that look, you know, like a scared rabbit, always on the alert for danger. Anyhow, she sat right on that sofa and I brought Ellie out to her and I was ready to tell her if she made one crack about my baby I'd shoot her. But she held Ellie and tears filled her eyes and she let Ellie hold her finger. I'll never forget that. Nobody'd done that, you know, played with Ellie's hands. Everybody except me and Tom avoided them, just pretended they weren't there. I think maybe Kate knew what it was like to be different, you know? She came a time or two after that to visit Ellie, but I think it was hard on her. Once Kyle brought her, but Tom…He didn't want Kyle in the house, thought maybe he was trying to start something up with me again.” Sara Jane narrowed her eyes at Eden. “Is that going to be in the movie? About Kyle and me being…close? Tom knows, of course, but I don't know how he'd like the rest of the world to see it. He was upset last year when Kyle moved back here.”

  Eden nodded sympathetically, trying not to smile at the thought of Kyle bein
g a threat to Sara Jane's marriage. “I may put it in, Mrs. Miller. I think it's important to understanding my mother's life.”

  “Oh, Lordy.” Sara Jane reached toward the tray. “I need a cinnamon bun.”

  They talked a while longer, Sara Jane offering a few more anecdotes about Kate and suggesting some people Eden could interview at the Coolbrook Chronicle about her father.

  “You've been so helpful,” Eden said as she stood to go.

  “Anytime, dear. I enjoyed it. You want to talk more, just come on over. You don't need to call first.” Sara Jane heaved herself out of the chair. “Wait a minute now,” she said as she disappeared into the kitchen. She returned a moment later with a bakery box tied with string. “Lemon meringue pie,” she said as she opened the door for Eden. “By the way, I admire the work you do with that Children's Fund. I wish they'd had something like that when Ellie was little. Tom and I give money to it every year.”

  Eden squeezed her hand, touched. “Thank you.” She stepped onto the landing and looked up to see a blue sky struggling to break through the clouds. “It's clearing up.”

  “About time.” Sara Jane held the screen door open. “How is your uncle, Eden? I see Lou quite a bit, but Kyle doesn't get into the bakery much.”

  “He's doing very well, thanks.”

  “He was something else, your uncle.” Sara Jane reddened again. “Now, don't you go telling him I said that.”

  –18–

  Eden was lighting the citronella candles on the picnic table when Ben arrived. He stopped first at the grill where Kyle was fanning the coals and handed him a bottle of brandy.

  “Peace offering,” he said quietly.

  Kyle set his hand on Ben's shoulder and Eden wondered what had passed between them that required an offer of peace. She hoped it had nothing to do with her.

  Kyle went into the house for the hamburgers and Ben walked over to her. He leaned his head toward hers, and she thought he was going to kiss her cheek, but instead he whispered, “Don't mention anything to Kyle about the skeleton. I spoke to him about it this morning and he nearly snapped my head off.”