Secret Lives

by Diane Chamberlain

  Then Bess said, “It's rude to whisper,” but I could tell she was teasing. Bess is the type of girl who teases a lot. She's confident about her prettiness. I'd never heard Kyle mention her before and wondered how he knew her. She has very straight light brown hair cut to her chin and big brown eyes. She's thin in an appealing, energetic way and was wearing a blue dress with lacy sleeves like mine, so I guess I am right in style.

  Bess asked me questions about my writing and it put me back at ease to have something to talk about. Seth said I was one of the favorite children's authors at Waverly Books. He said they talk about how they'd love to get me up to New York to wine and dine me, but I always refuse their invitations. I'm viewed as something of a mystery, he said.

  “Well, now you've met her,” Bess said, “so the mystery must be gone.”

  Seth smiled at me. “Not at all. Meeting Kate has only added to the mystery. She's an enigma. I feel as though she must be a figment of my imagination. I expect to develop my film and find no one there.”

  Then our food was delivered which started my decline. When my nervousness comes on me, I cannot eat. The sight and smell of food makes me nauseous.

  “Is something wrong with your food, Kate?” Seth looked at me from across the table. “You've barely touched it.”

  I'd been pushing the meat and potatoes and snap beans around on my plate, hoping that the fact that I was bringing none of it to my lips would not be noticed.

  “That's Kate for you,” Kyle said. “It's the creative mind. When she's working on a story, she gets a thought in her head and it absorbs all her concentration and she completely forgets what she's doing. It always happens at the table, doesn't it?” He looked at me and I nodded, his partner in this little ruse. “It's a wonder she has any flesh on her bones at all.”

  Seth once again buried his eyes in my flesh and I looked thankfully at my brother.

  “What story are you thinking about now, Kate?” Bess asked.

  I told them about Child of Sand and my words came out a little confused and breathy because of my nervousness, but I thought, what does it matter? I am a woman of mystery and peculiar eating habits. I can get away with just about anything.

  Then the music started and Seth asked me to dance.

  “I don't know how,” I said. I couldn't go out there on that dance floor. I knew my fear would rise the moment I left Kyle's side. Seth was persistent and I was nearly sweating with terror by the time he finally gave up and took Bess out on the dance floor. I watched him pull Bess into his arms and felt a little jealous. I was starting to shake. Once I start to shake, it's hard for me to ever feel right again.

  “Kyle,” I said. “I'm going to have to leave.” I was looking at him, pleading with him to save me somehow, save me from my own wretched self.

  He took my hand under the table and squeezed it hard. “Relax, Kate. Think about something else.” He looked around us. “You are easily the most beautiful woman in this room, do you know that?”

  “Well, Bess is very pretty,” I said. “How do you know her?”

  Kyle looked toward the dance floor where Seth was turning Bess around and around in nauseating circles. I thought for a minute he wasn't going to answer me. Then he said, “Bess is the girl Matt sees in Luray.”

  “The hussy?”

  “Shh.” Kyle laughed. “She's a very nice girl, Kate. Be kind.”

  “Why, you've had her too,” I said. I knew by the way he was so quick to take up for her and by the color in his face that I was right.

  “That, sweetheart, is none of your business.”

  I felt triply jealous of this woman now. She was in the arms of the man I wanted, she was the occasional wanton lover of my dear friend Matt and she'd lain with my brother as well.

  “Next dance is mine,” Seth said when he returned to the table. “I won't take no for an answer.”

  On the dance floor I felt swoony in his arms, not so much from his touch as from my fear that I would pass out or upchuck down the front of his shirt at any moment. “I don't care if you step on my toes,” he said cheerily. “I just needed to get you away from Kyle and Bess and all to myself for a while.”

  I barely heard a word he said as he danced me in circles, further from the door, further from Kyle.

  “Kate,” he said. “You're trembling. Are you cold?” He pulled me closer, suffocating me, and I fought like an animal to escape his arms. I pushed away from him.

  “I'm sorry,” I said and I nearly ran back to the table, plowing through the mass of dancers to get there. “I have to leave,” I said to Kyle.

  Bess stood up and touched my shoulder. She looked over at Seth who was trying to cut through the crowd more politely than I had. “Did he get fresh with you?” she asked.

  “No.” I started crying, looking helplessly at my brother. “Kyle,” I said. He lifted my coat from the back of my chair and put it over my shoulders.

  “What did I do?” Seth asked when he reached the table.

  “Take her outside,” Kyle said to Seth. “She'll be all right once she's outside. I'll take care of the bill.”

  People were looking up from their tables.

  “Tell him the truth, Kate,” Kyle called after me.

  Outside, as Kyle had predicted, I felt better. I leaned against Seth's car while he asked me what was wrong. “What did your brother mean about telling me the truth?”

  “Can we sit in your car?” I asked. He opened the door and I got in. I felt sorry for him for thinking he must have brought this on somehow.

  “There's something wrong with me,” I said. I was still trembling and he held my hands. “I've been this way a long time. Since I was a child. I get very nervous away from home. I was so excited about tonight and I hoped I could make it through somehow. I actually made it longer than I usually do. I'm so sorry, Seth.”

  “That's why you didn't eat.”

  “Yes.”

  He smiled, but it was a sad smile. “I had illusions of you visiting me in New York, me showing you around.”

  “I could try,” I said, though a well of helplessness filled my chest. “I've never met anyone before that I wanted to try for.”

  “Does it make you nervous to be kissed?” he asked.

  “No,” I said, and he leaned over and kissed me, softly, once. “I'm not made of glass,” I said. “You can really kiss me.”

  And he did, a long, hard kiss, and then he lowered his head to my breasts, buried his face there and I never felt happier to be a woman than I did at that moment.

  Suddenly there was a knock on the window. I turned to see Kyle's face against the glass. “Is everything okay?” he asked through the window. He was holding Bess's hand behind his back and she was giggling.

  “Yes, Kyle,” I said. A minute ago I'd wanted him to save me; now I wanted him to leave me alone.

  “I'm about to drive her home, big brother.” Seth grinned. He is as handsome as all get-out.

  As we drove toward Lynch Hollow, Seth said, “I'm staying over one more night, Kate. Will you see me again?”

  “I'd love to.” I was overjoyed that I had not completely ruined everything with him. When we pulled up in front of the house, he kissed me again, then stroked his fingertips along the neckline of Susanna's dress.

  “We could spend tomorrow evening in my hotel room if you think you can manage that,” he said.

  I could see he was nervous about suggesting that to me, not sure how I'd take his forwardness. I guess I was seeming a mite unpredictable to him. “I'm a virgin, Seth,” I said. “And I would like you to be the one to put an end to that condition for me.”

  He just stared at me for a moment. Then he smiled. “You're the strangest girl I've ever met.” He kissed me again. “I'd be honored to help you out of that dilemma.”

  I waited up for Kyle to get home and when he finally came in my room to say good night, I told him our plan.

  “Seth and I are going to make love in his hotel room tomorrow night,” I said.


  Kyle frowned at me. “I don't know, Kate. You don't know him very well and—”

  “Kyle, don't you dare tell me I shouldn't do this. Don't you dare ruin it for me. You fuck everyone you meet.”

  “I do not. And clean up your mouth.”

  “I'm twenty-five years old and I've never made love.” I felt so sorry for myself I thought I might cry. “I thought I never would. Then here comes this beautiful man just out of the blue, with his camera and his green eyes and his smile that's so much like yours. And for the first time I want somebody and I'll be damned if I'm going to wait until I know everything there is to know about him. I don't care what more there is. I want him now.”

  “All right,” Kyle said. His voice was very quiet after my little scolding. “But Matt will die.”

  “Matt doesn't need to know all my business,” I said. “I've known Matt for a thousand years and I've never felt the kind of attraction to him that I felt after one minute with Seth.”

  “All right, Kate. Sleep well.” Kyle left my room and I threw my notebook at the door after he closed it. I wanted him to be happy for me. He's going to sap all the joy out of this.

  October 5, 1952

  I'm so excited. I took a long bath this afternoon with some of Susanna's bath crystals. I keep expecting to feel terrified each time I think of being in a hotel room so far from Lynch Hollow, but I'm pretty calm so far.

  Kyle is repentant. He just came in my room, sat down on his old bed and told me he was sorry for trying to burst my bubble last night. Then he handed me a Trojan!! “Take this,” he said, “in case Seth's fool enough not to have any.” Then he reached into his back pocket and handed me another. “Better take two,” he said.

  I thanked him and slipped the Trojans deep in my purse.

  “Listen, Kate,” Kyle said. “Some men don't know the first thing about making sure a woman, you know, gets her pleasure when they make love. I don't know how much Seth has been around. You're the one who taught me, remember?”

  I nodded, remembering how wonderfully drunk he was the night I drew him a picture of the workings of a woman's body.

  “I don't know how long it would have taken me to learn that on my own,” he said. “So if Seth wasn't lucky enough to have a sister who…I just don't want you to have high hopes and then be disappointed.”

  “I'll be fine,” I said. I was beginning to feel embarrassed.

  “It can hurt the first time, too.”

  “I know, Kyle. I read, you know.”

  “I'm irritating you,” he said with a smile.

  “Like salt on a wound.” But I smiled back at him. I love Kyle so much. I'd miss it if he didn't worry about me. He said he'd sit in the lounge of the hotel tonight in case I need him, even though I'm sure I'll be fine. He has a book he wants to read, he said. He can read just as well at the hotel as he can here.

  October 6, 1952

  I'm sitting in my room. It's the middle of the afternoon and Kyle is asleep in the other bed, the bed he never sleeps in anymore. It is the first sleep he's had in two days and I am so relieved to finally see some peace in his face that I could cry.

  My poor brother. His life changed overnight, and mine did not change at all. I am as much a virgin today as I was yesterday.

  Seth picked me up at seven and we drove directly to his hotel. I wore my dungarees again and a wool sweater. “I've been thinking about last night,” he said to me in the car. “The way you ran out of the restaurant and the things you told me about yourself.”

  “I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.”

  “No, that's not it. But it opened my eyes to how different you and I are.”

  My heart sank to my feet.

  “I love the city,” he said. “I love to travel. You love staying home.”

  “I'm only twenty-five, Seth. I'm not a closed book. I can change.”

  He smiled and reached over to hold my hand. “Let's not talk about it now,” he said. “We have a wonderful night ahead of us and even in pants you are the best-looking woman I've ever laid eyes on.”

  The lobby was empty when we got to the hotel. I knew Kyle had some errands to run before he'd get there and I was really sorry he was coming at all. It was unnecessary. I felt fine.

  Seth's room was beautiful, one of the more expensive rooms in the hotel, I'm sure. The bed was a big four poster with a matching armoire and dresser. There was just one chair, so we sat on the bed to drink champagne and eat caviar on crackers. I'd never tasted caviar before and it was revolting and wonderful all at once. It seemed fitting to eat something new and wicked-tasting on the night I was to be deflowered. I said this out loud and Seth laughed his deep belly laugh. I had eaten quite a bit before I realized I was at ease. Looking back I think it was the champagne. I'll have to remember that. I can probably go places if I get rip-roaring drunk first.

  I don't feel like writing much about what happened between us. We kissed a little. He asked me if I wanted the lamp on or off and when I said “On,” he told me I was unusual, that most girls like the lights off. “Most girls are modest,” he said, and I shrugged and said what I've been saying all my life: “I'm not like most girls.”

  It would have been good. I felt so at ease and so alive. He had taken my sweater and brassiere off and was kissing my breasts when a knock came at the door.

  Seth drew back and looked up at me. “What timing. If that's your overprotective brother, I'll…”

  The knock came again and Seth nodded toward the little alcove where I could stand without being seen while he opened the door. It was Warren Davison, one of the sheriff's deputies we've known forever, who had come to give me a message from Kyle. It seems that Kyle had been driving up Main Street toward the hotel when a little boy ran out in front of his car. Kyle hit him, and the boy was badly hurt.

  “A lot of busted bones, but the worst is his head,” Warren said, his cheeks aflame since I was standing in front of him holding my sweater to my chest. “Kyle says to tell you he's all right, but he wanted to go to the hospital with the boy so he won't be able to be here at the hotel like he said.”

  After Warren left, Seth asked, “What's that about Kyle coming to the hotel?”

  “Nothing,” I said.

  Seth stared at me a moment before he shrugged and started kissing me again, but now I couldn't concentrate. I kept imagining how terrible Kyle must feel, and Seth's hands were starting to feel like sandpaper on my skin. Finally I stepped away from him.

  “I can't do this now, Seth,” I said. “I can't get my mind off Kyle.”

  Seth put his shirt back on. Any other man would have been angry, and maybe he was a little. He didn't say much as he dressed, but then he offered to take me to the hospital.

  “No,” I said. I knew I couldn't survive two minutes in the hospital. “Please just take me home.”

  Both of us were quiet on the ride home. I was feeling sorry for myself and for Kyle and for the little boy. I should have insisted Kyle not come to the hotel. There was no need at all.

  “I'm sorry, Seth,” I said when he stopped the car in front of my house.

  “It's all right,” he said. “I guess I'd feel the same way.”

  “I could come back tomorrow,” I said.

  “I'm leaving for New York tomorrow,” he said, and I wanted to grab him and hold him and beg him to stay.

  “Will I ever see you again?” I asked.

  He nodded and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. “I'll write to you very soon.”

  The sheriff brought Kyle home around midnight. Kyle headed directly for the outhouse and I forced myself to join him there, to hold his head while he vomited over and over again until there was nothing left to come up. When he could finally talk, he told me that the boy will live, but he is blinded for life and he'll have casts on his legs for a long time.

  I heated him some milk and put him in his old bed in my room, but he couldn't sleep. He said he was afraid to go to sleep, that he was afraid he'd have nightmares about the acciden
t. “He came out of nowhere,” Kyle said. “He just flew up on the hood of my car. I could hear his bones breaking.”

  “None of it would have happened if you hadn't been coming to the hotel for me,” I said.

  Kyle sat up and looked at me directly as though he was noticing me for the first time that night. “How was it?” he asked. “You and Seth?”

  “Once Warren told us what happened, I just couldn't go through with it,” I said. “I made Seth drive me home.”

  Kyle sighed and lay down again. “I ruined your special night, Kate.”

  “Don't worry about it,” I said. “I can lose my virginity any old time.”

  October 13, 1952

  Kyle visits the little boy—Freddy Jenkins—every day. He reads to him from my books. Kyle is quieter than usual these days. I keep expecting him to cry, but he hasn't shed a tear. It's like something's hardened in him. He is scared and shaky and sick, but he doesn't weep.

  I told Matt about Seth. He was real quiet at first and then he asked me if I planned to see him again. I told him I have no plans, which is unfortunately true. I want to see Seth so much. He said he'd write, but he's certainly taking his time about it. I've thought of calling Waverly Books to try to get his number. I never thought I would feel this way, like a typical female, pathetically pining for a man.

  October 20, 1952

  Today I received a big envelope from Waverly Books. In it was the photograph they're going to use on my book jackets. It's one that Seth took of me in the pits, with my hair braided over my shoulder. I look pretty and happy. I look like I'm falling in love with the photographer.

  There was a letter from Seth, just one side of a page. He told me I am a special person. He will “always cherish” the time we had together, but it's just as well we didn't “finish what we started” that night because then I might have taken our relationship too seriously. “Our differences are insurmountable,” he wrote. He said he smiled when he developed the pictures; he will always think of me fondly. He hopes Kyle is all right, and that the little boy in the accident is recovering. And that is the sum total of what Seth Gallagher had to say to me.