A Courtroom of Ashes

by C. S. Wilde

  Pain blooms when he touches my ribs, but other than that, I’m fine.

  “Thanks for saving me,” I mutter without looking at him.

  He kneels by my side and caresses my temple as if I’m the most precious thing he has in this world. “I told you I’d always look after you.”

  How can he still be so charming? He lied to me, and still, hating him feels almost impossible now.

  Barbie! A void fills me when I remember the others: Irving, Molly, Tommy, where are they?

  Barbie steps in and looks down at me. There’s a deep cut over her forehead, but she says, “I’m fine. So is Irving.” She kicks me softly in the shoulder. “Dumb ass.”

  I snort, wiping tears. John grabs my hand and helps me stand. For a second, we’re so close…I’d forgotten how good he smells, even so sweaty.

  Molly is at a distance, helping the Victorian lady, who’s limping. No sign of the Mohawk guy. The desert around us is covered with black powder; bleeding bodies are scattered around, some with missing limbs. The Lummeni who are fit enough help their peers and the injured Shades. The folks from the Home also pitch in where they can.

  Now that Red Seth is gone, the Shades that are left start helping others. Their blue skin has already begun to fade.

  “Instructions, your Grace?” Two Lummeni come from behind.

  Barbie asks them, “Where do we stand?”

  “Many have perished, but many more have been sent to Heaven.” They smile when they say this. One of them adds, eyes shining on the verge of tears, “I never thought we’d be seeing ascensions again.”

  “Let’s take care of the injured for now,” Barbie says without hesitation, in a way so intrinsic to leaders. It suits her.

  The Lummeni nod and walk away.

  “Barry told me he left you as his second in command,” I say, my voice a blend of sorrow and hurt.

  Barbie’s eyes glisten and she blinks, trying to block the tears. “Yeah. I never thought he wouldn’t be coming back. The Lummeni needed Barry.” Barbie sighs. “We all did.”

  A sudden gust of wind ruffles our hair, and I remember the oracle saying that the universe is the past, present, and future, merging into one big soup, and I remember Barry saluting me from a tree just as I had lost all hope. Closing my eyes, I take in the breeze and smile. Somehow I know this isn’t the end of him. Wherever he is, in whatever state he is, he’s not gone. He never will be.

  John taps Barbie on the back. “Well, they do have someone like him, don’t they?”

  Barbie smiles shyly, hiding her face behind her golden locks.

  “What about the Queen?” I ask.

  “Imprisoned.” Barbie shrugs. “She was lucky. If she’d been here, she’d have gone straight to Hell.”

  “Hey!” Irving calls us from a distance and points to the right. “Falls are that way!”

  I notice, for the first time, a thin green line bordering the wrecked desert ground.

  37

  Tommy runs to me, waving his arm as his red plasma bunny follows. “Misses!”

  Tommy is missing his moss cap, and his wild hair swooshes as he hops toward me, but other than that he’s the same boy I left at the Home, not a scratch on him.

  He hugs me tight, and I do the same, relieved that he’s safe. The bunny sniffs my calf and I think this is its way of showing me it’s glad to see me too.

  When Tommy finally lets go, he mumbles, “You’re leaving.”

  My heart shrinks. “I am.”

  He takes the bunny in his arms and tries to act tough, but he can’t look at me, and his tiny lips quiver. “Will I ever see you again?”

  “Of course you will.” I pat his head. “Death is the almost-final-destination, isn’t it?”

  He smiles sadly and nods, sniffing, fighting the tears.

  Bending over, I gently brush his puffy cheeks. “For you, it will be an eye blink, kid.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I’m an adult. I know stuff.”

  This seems to convince him, because he nods with big, understanding eyes, and his tiny lips curl into a shy smile. Then Molly approaches and wraps me in that matronly hug of hers. She kisses my forehead and winks. “You did well, dear.”

  She and Tommy step aside to make way for Barbie, who walks up and grabs my shoulders. “Promise me you’ll take care of yourself?”

  “Promise.”

  “Good. So what’s the plan?”

  The plan? I haven’t thought that far ahead. Find the falls I guess, go back to my body, and make up for what I’ve done before my time comes and I’m sent to Hell.

  Barbie eyes me thoroughly, and I know she heard my thoughts. “You still think you’re going to Hell?” She rolls her eyes. “You lied in court, but you didn’t murder anyone.”

  “My lying got a nineteen-year-old girl raped and murdered. It killed you, Barb.”

  “Not something you could control.” Barbie rests her hands on her hips. “Did you ever think that the bigger forces might have had a plan all along? Maybe they needed you to take care of Red Seth, or maybe they wanted to scare you off, show you that sometimes, Hell is in here.” She taps her forehead. “Perhaps all of these things together.”

  She has a point. Maybe I needed to be angry and hurt to become a Wrath, and only as a Wrath could I have beaten Red Seth. I wonder if Mom almost went to Hell because John needed to pass some sort of cosmic test. Would she have been sucked in if John had failed? Would I have been sucked in if he hadn’t come to save me? If so, which one of us was being tested? Perhaps both? But I should stop right here. Only the almighties can answer these questions, and I don’t think they’re up for a chat.

  “Thanks for another great pep talk,” I say, patting Barbie on the back.

  She shoots an exasperated look to the sky. “You’re too hard on yourself. There’s a lesson in every corner, that’s all I’m saying.”

  “Okay, I’ll get my shit together. Promise.” I untie Foxberry and give it to Barbie. It pains me to part with it, but I have no use for a sword where I’m going.

  “It will be waiting for you,” she says with water in her eyes.

  I hug Barbie at once and can’t let go. She can’t either. There’s so much to say, so much to do, years of friendship wasted…I need to get them all back, can’t leave, not yet.

  “We’ll get them back, Banana.” The message hidden within her words adds, But you can’t stay.

  Taking a deep breath I pat her back twice and start letting go. “You take care of yourself, Pink Gurl.”

  She sniffs, “You too, Pink Gurl.”

  Irving comes and wraps me in his arms. “We’ll see ye ‘round, aye? Ye be strong.”

  “No time to waste, folks!” John shouts from the vast green prairie ahead.

  I look at Barbie and Irving one last time, carve the image in my memory: her naturally flushed skin, no trace of blue, and her little-girl smile. I’ll miss her so much…but I’m happy she has Irving. He beams his cocky I-know-the-answers-of-the-world smile as he puts his arm around Barbie, and her skin turns a red almost purple.

  “Santy,” John calls.

  I walk to the green fields, slip off my black sneakers, and dump the sand and ash from them. The cool, wet grass tickles my feet, and I can’t help but grin. It’s funny how simple things can mean so much, like stepping barefoot on grass or feeling the wind ruffle your hair or putting your feet underwater—all these little reminders that you exist.

  I’ll miss Barbie and Irving, but when I look back to the arid Wastelands, I’m thankful to be leaving. It feels like I’ve spent years lost in that desert.

  I put my shoes back on and wave them a final good-bye.

  ***

  John and I venture in silence through a green mantle below a blue sky. A plasma horse runs by once in a while, but otherwise it’s just us, some hills, and the endless green. Although the two suns shine, I can smell rain in the air. A gathering of clouds in the distance tells me I’m right, and I warn John that, “It’s
going to rain soon.”

  His forehead has been pressed into a frown ever since we started, his eyes constantly trapped on the ground, until he finally blurts, “You don’t really think I loved your mother in that way, do you?”

  I bite my lip. “I believe you loved her.”

  He stops, disappointment clear in all his perfect angles. “Santana, I…” He shakes his head and runs his hand over his hair. “I went to Hell for you. Literally! Doesn’t that mean anything?”

  Oh, he got it all wrong!

  Resting a hand over his shoulder, I say, “I know that you loved her, but not the same way you love me. I was just so mad at everything.”

  He lets out a rueful smile. “They don’t call it becoming a Wrath for nothing. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.”

  I understand why he didn’t. Telling the woman you love that her suicidal dead mother saved you from your own damnation can be complicated.

  He engulfs me in his arms, pressing me against his strong body. “Did I ruin everything?”

  “You mean between us?”

  He nods.

  What kind of signs am I sending? We’re fine, John! I missed you, can’t you read that? You’re not a perfect knight, you’re a normal, flawed man, and I love you even more because of it.

  Oh great, he hasn’t linked with me. The one time he’s supposed to do it…

  I wrap my arms around John’s neck and sniff his sea scent, take in his warmth. I forget all my troubles; I forget who I am. This man is my peace, my home, he’s all I need.

  Smiling, I assure him, “We’re okay.”

  He looks at me with a mix of surprise and delight. Then he kisses me softly, and I remember how wonderful it is to have his lips against mine.

  “I’m glad you’re not a Wrath anymore.” His breath mixes with mine. “Those yellow, furious eyes were damn scary, sweetie-pie.”

  “You did not just call me that.” I punch him in the shoulder and turn ahead, but he steps beside me so that we walk hand in hand. Oh, playful John, how I missed him…

  I don’t want this to end, we just got back together. Can’t we delay my coming back, if only for a few days or months? Years? I’m sure my body will be fine, with nothing but an IV to keep it sustained, muscles atrophying with each passing day…

  Either I go back to my body or I die. There’s no middle ground, is there?

  The sound of a rushing waterfall slowly grows louder as we walk, filling my ears with every step. We walk up a hill and when we reach the top, a breath escapes me. Ahead is an ocean falling down a never ending cliff. I can’t see the bottom or the other side, only water, rushing down. Breezes send a mist my way, showering me with salty drops.

  “I have to jump?” I shout, stepping back.

  John nods. The wind teases his threads and he looks breathtaking: wet, flying hair, and bright blue eyes that shine like beacons. I admire this for a while, but when I look down to the gigantic fall, I gulp in fear. “No way!”

  “What?”

  Fighting with the noise of the falls, I say, “Why do I have to jump?”

  He seems confused. “Are you scared?”

  “Of course I am!” I point to the sea-fall.

  He eyes me for a moment. He hasn’t linked with me, but still, he says, “There’s more to it than that.”

  I look away, fingers tapping my lips. I might as well say it, otherwise he’ll find out eventually. It’s not like he can keep out of my head for long. “Why should I go back? What’s life without you?”

  He grabs me by the shoulders, his harsh gaze shrinking me to the size of a button. “Life is a gift. Barbie, Irving and I, we lost that gift, but you still have it.”

  “We’re all dead, remember? It’s only a matter of time.”

  He shakes his head. “Baby, you have to go. You don’t belong in Death, not yet.”

  I sweep his arms away and hug him, my head resting against his chest. “Tell me you don’t want me to stay.”

  He holds me back in a strong, warm hug, then kisses the top of my head. “There’s nothing I want more.” He lifts my chin and kisses me hard, our bodies pressed into one another, his grip strong on my back, wanting, needing, until we’re both breathless.

  When we’re done, I rasp, “It’s settled. I’m staying.”

  John presses his lips to mine again in a long, sensuous kiss that sends tingles all through my body. We stay like that for a long moment, connected, enjoying every inch of each other’s presence, my hands wrapped in his hair, his hands pulling me to him so hard we might become one. Then something trips me and I’m falling.

  John looks down at me as my stomach flies to my feet. He runs his hand through his hair with a pained look, as tears mix with the water that sprays around him.

  I stretch out my hand, if only I could reach him…but he becomes smaller and smaller until I can’t see him anymore. Walls of rock surround me and I keep plunging until all light vanishes and I’m in the dark. The sound of water hitting against water grows louder, so loud I think it will burst my ears.

  Then there’s silence. I float in darkness, trying to breathe and not being able to. When did I go underwater?

  A light passes me like a bee, so damn fast it’s hard to follow. It stops ahead, suspended in the middle of the darkness, as if it’s daring me to catch it. My arms and legs move, propelling me through the nothingness, swimming toward the light, but when I’m about to reach it, it flies off again. My vision blurs; I can’t breathe.

  Almost there.

  Shit I’m passing out.

  Come on!

  Air floods my lungs in one big swallow. I hear a faint sound…words…someone is talking to me. John? No, it’s a woman. Barbie? My eyelids are so heavy…Sand suddenly sprinkles against my face. Gathering all my strength, I pry my eyes open. It’s Mamma Na Se. She’s peppering me with salt.

  I try to move, but my hands and feet are tied to my bed. My dad stands behind her, worry written all over his face. There’s a red haired woman by his side, her hands over her heart. A long time ago, it feels like years, Dad told me about a woman named Lauren, and that they were going out.

  Mamma Na Se raises her hand, preparing to throw another handful of salt. “What did you momma tell you, chil’?”

  Easy one. “Mommy is gonna save you.”

  Dad steps forward. “And what did I tell you at her funeral?”

  I stare at him. It’s the first time we ever talked about her funeral in years. “You told me Mom was gone, but you were still here.”

  Mamma Na Se’s hand drops, spilling salt all over my bed sheets. She lets out a relieved smile and starts untying me, and when I’m free I massage my wrists. There’s a red line over them and it sends a chill down my spine.

  Mom…

  Dad hugs me as soon as I get up. “I knew you’d make it, sweetheart.” He rubs my head the same way he did when I was a child, but I can’t find comfort in that, not this time. John isn’t here with me, and the lack of him drains all my will to breathe, to stand, to simply be, until finally and all at once, I crumble.

  ***

  The next days are a blur. Dad and Mamma Na Se step into my bedroom occasionally to check on me. I know they’re in the living room, nearby if needed. They cook and clean, and if I wasn’t capable of showering myself, they’d do that too. They speak to me, but I can’t give them anything more than nods and half answers.

  They’re worried, naturally. All I do the whole day is stare at my mirror wall.

  Missing John this much hurts. I’ve lost a part of me I never knew existed, and moving on is a struggle. I wish he could become an earthbound ghost, so he could haunt me for the rest of my days. Anything would be better than having this void inside me, sucking all my will and all that I am.

  “Care if I join you?” Dad sits on the bed, behind me.

  He stares at my reflection: a woman covered by a gray blanket with a black mess for hair. Dark spots rest under her eyes and her skin is some three shades paler. She looks a
lot like the bad version of Mom.

  I glance at a display of flowers and get-well cards at the corner of my bedroom. Dad told me he had asked a friend who’s a doctor to diagnose me with a generic badass problem. I think it was meningitis. That excused my absence from work for the past two months.

  “I saw Mom,” I say, my attention trapped on the get-well-soon cards and flowers.

  Dad takes this quietly.

  An immense longing for lost moments possesses me, and my voice fails as I say, “She really loved us.”

  He puts his hand on my shoulder. “I always knew, sweetheart.”

  In an eyeblink, darkness creeps from the mirror’s edges, and I immediately stand. The Forest of a Thousand Tears unveils from the darkness, and there he is, John, standing under the sunlight.

  I press my hands against the mirror and he does the same. We’re so close, but I can’t feel his touch, and it kills me.

  “Why, John?”

  He eyes me as if I’m a fool. “I couldn’t let you throw away your life.”

  There’s no good comeback to that. I know how silly and childish I must sound, but I can’t help it. I miss him so much.

  “I miss you too, Santy.”

  I press my forehead against the mirror. “Okay, we can do this.” I suck in a deep breath. “We can make this work.”

  “Make what work?”

  “This long-distance relationship of ours.”

  John smiles wide and adoringly, but his pained look tells me something isn’t right. “You need to live.”

  He looks at my dad, who stares at us in pure shock. Slowly, Dad’s expression relaxes, and I think John has talked to him. After a while, Dad nods with a hand over his mouth.

  John steps back and stretches his arm, palm wide open toward the mirror. I freeze.

  “What are you doing?”

  He doesn’t reply. He doesn’t need to.

  “John, please!” I pound against the mirror. “You can’t do this!”

  “I love you, Santana.” He looks away and a small blue light shines from his hand. In less than a second the light grows until it swallows the mirror, blinding me. The sound of shattered glass reverberates from the other side, and after that it’s silent. When I can see again, I’m staring at the lost woman in the reflection.