El Sexorcisto Z!

by Yuli Ban

  ‘Ah well. Too bad the other two didn’t want to join in.’

  And I heard Maria reply to me, ‘It was fun while it lasted.’

  I winked at her and said, “Who said it’s over?”

  Commercial Break!

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  And now back to El Sexorcisto Z!, only on Amazon™.

  “From A to Z!”

  Where is My Mind

  The RV drove itself across the city, something which Tatiana remarked from another room was “the height of irony.” The clock struck midnight. All the shops would still be open.

  ‘Thank god this is a video game,’ I thought and hoped that Maria hadn’t heard me. My soiled clothes were in the trash, so I was back in my t-shirt and jeans from the prior week. As I wore it, I felt that I was cramping on my own style. There was more I could wear. And the game offered me the chance to be my own man. Yeah, I was going to kill some money on a quality suit. And I made a mental note that I was going to keep this one through the end of the series— because goddamn, those Chicago gangster suits were fly.

  Ana walked around without any clothes, so I was naturally losing my mind from blood loss. Christ! Out of all the dames on the camper, Ana was Sisyphean. GOD. Best girl. A-1. But I had a harem and every time I saw the other girls, there was a war for my desires. She always wore that spandex catsuit, though, and that usually won it for me. Maybe if Olga wore black spandex instead of red latex, I’d develop an elf fetish.

  “I’m thinking about changing my outfit. Anyone want my catsuit?” she called out.

  “OLGA,” I shouted.

  She bumped her desk and blinked. Then she looked my way and I hid in my shirt. When she came over to me, she was sucking on the back of her hand.

  “What’s wrong?” By that point, I had already hobbled away and I heard Ana telling Olga about the sudden vacancy of one spandex suit, lightly-used. “But I already have my catsuit. I’m the red elf!”

  I was under the bed, and that’s when I saw the butt of an assault rifle. When I rolled and grabbed the weapon, I heard the clattering of bullets and grenades on the floor. So I kept reaching under to find everything I needed, and ultimately discovered that there was an entire cache of weapons under all of the beds.

  I asked the girls about this, saying, “Did you do this?”

  “Nope,” said Ana.

  “No,” said Maria.

  “Nah,” said Tatiana.

  “I’m going to use all these guns to make some new weapons!” said Olga. “Maybe another Gatling gun? Those were popular in the first book.”

  “Wait, none of you have an opinion on just being characters in a book or NPCs in a game?” Why I brought that issue up at that particular moment was a particularly daunting question, because none of the girls seemed to care. Indeed, they all simply said statements to the effect of “It’s cool to be an NPC” and “Book characters live longer.” So ended that potential arc. They were right— there was no real anxiety about being who they were, unlike myself. I had to grapple with not being my own person. Such a thought drove a lot of my confusion about the game early on, even as I tried to contend with the cold fact there was nothing I could do about it. Here I was, nothing more than the main character of a book whose creation I had no control over on top of also being cast into an MMO sandbox game without knowing what role I was supposed to play until well after I had already played it. And though I had thought of how odd it was that the many NPCs of the game knew they were NPCs, it was Tatiana’s offhand comment coupled with the grace period in our prelude to madness that got the brain-chems running. Oh well. It’d never come up again, I was sure.

  With that tangent behind us, we focused again on the guns. I stuck my ray gun into my inventory and kept it there to keep those two slots warm. But without those good clothes, my inventory felt cramped.

  I said to the girls, “Before anything, we should find a clothes’ shop. They oughtta be able to sell us some nice threads.”

  Olga shouted, “RV! Find the nearest mobster-friendly clothes store!”

  “Schrei mich wieder an und erleidet die konsequenzen!”

  I backed up upon hearing the camper rage in German. It came so suddenly and without warning and without reason that it reminded me of my first day in the game. It was so charming that it made me smile.

  What didn’t make me smile was Olga shouting back, “Du arschficker! Gehorche mir oder stirb! Du KANNST dir den albtraum nicht vorstellen, den ich über dich bringen werde!” with not a single flaw in her pronunciation. Might I add she had no semblance of an accent? Never before had she done anything to suggest she was German. Or maybe she just knew the language.

  And so began a Deutsch spat. It’s the strangest thing— hearing it with my own ears proved to me that old saying that German sounds like what English sounds like to non-English speakers. But eventually Olga remembered that I had other shit to do and the two started speaking in this lower voice that I will swear on every finger and toe that my brain was trying to convince me was English. It was as close to English as any language could possibly get without being English, right to the point I thought I recognized half the words. Something about auburn, at least.

  Olga then huffed and turned to me to say, “Alright then, we’re on our way!”

  The windshield wipers were working overtime to clear away the blankets of rain washing on us, but that was just a pleasantry for us. The camper itself didn’t need to waste its battery on such a thing— of course, then I remembered that this was a video game and, as such, there was probably no concern about vehicular batteries to begin with. I sat back in a couch and set my hands behind my head.

  “You know, if it weren’t for the wanton violence, gangster roaches, and neo-Nazis, I think I’d like to live in a game like this. I can make it rain on command—” I said that, but I still didn’t know how I managed to do it that one time and the girls weren’t at all forthcoming about telling me, “— and I never have to use the bathroom.” No need to remember that one incident back at Johnic’s apartment, of course. “It’s just a little piece of heaven.”

  “Yeah, but you have to keep up with your real body, doncha?” Ana said as she sat down next to me and folded her legs in a way that made her pussy quiver.

  I set my head back and played with the ends of a pillow. “Honestly, I have no idea. I don’t know where my body is right now. I don’t even know where my mind is right now. When Mya sent me out, it was all in a big rush.”

  Maria sat on my lap and said, “You said before that Mya wasn’t ready to send you here and you also mentioned that Sam was there watching you spawn in alongside loads of shadow people.”

  “Yeah. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sam thought I was Mya at first.”

  “We’re here!”

  I laughed and stretched. “That was fast.”

  “Well, Amville’s not the biggest city in the region— New Liberty City’s at least five times larger, so… yeah. You could probably go from one end to the other in about ten minutes.”

  “About that. I haven’t gotten the clearest picture of the region yet. I haven’t played the game in years, well before all this started happening, so what’s this place like nowadays?” I didn’t bother putting on a poncho— I’d be getting new clothes anyway, so all I needed was an umbrella. Maria, on the other hand, decided to gear up as if she was about to hiking in the arctic.

  She said, “Well we’re still in the
Rio Baja Desert, which you’re familiar with. I know there are a few dying ghost towns, but there aren’t that many cities in the region, besides Amville, New Liberty City, and UFOrlando. And, of course, you’re in Amville.”

  “Oh please, mock me some more.”

  She noogied my hair and opened the door. It was like opening up to a wind tunnel— I flew back into the driver’s seat and shouted, “DAMN.”

  When I looked through the windshield, I saw that I couldn’t. It was just pissing down a giant wall of black and water with the thickest rain I’ve ever seen in this life or any other. One of the street signs fluttered by and smashed into the side of a brick building. I hadn’t noticed it before, but once I took a moment to slow down and just listen, I could feel the camper swaying.

  I wiped off my face with some spare panties lying on the floor and said, “Why is Sinatra Jr. blowin’ so hard?”

  “Well, if I can offer a hypothesis,” Olga began, sticking her finger up as if she was about to unleash a load of geek all over my face, “You did manage to bring about that storm a week ago. It is entirely possible that this one action threw off the entire atmospheric ecosystem to such a degree that the hurricane wound up drawing upon a much larger pool of energy than it otherwise would have.”

  That actually wasn’t so bad. “So what you’re saying then is that I stuck my hand into a whirlpool and messed everything up.”

  “Exactly!” Then she placed that cute Germanic elf finger of hers on her chin. “But it’s just a hypothesis.”

  “Heh. No matter. We still have to get our clothes.”

  Knowing better, I grabbed a poncho and prepared to trek out into the night. However, Maria had already left and Ana was still twiddling her clit in the seat. She waved to me and said, “Don’t mind me!”

  I shrugged at the non-sequitur and disembarked.

  The journey across the barren lands drew upon all my strength as I pushed onwards against the forces of nature. All the gods’ hatred screamed against my body. I was slanted at a seventy-degree angle and could not see my own eyelashes.

  But onwards, I pushed. Every storm in the world could not stop me. My manly will cut through the rains like a sword. Every lift of my legs threatened to send me into the wind. Storm droplets exploded against my lips, against my nose, against my eyelids. Several times, I had to accept being taken back an inch only so that I could march a foot onwards.

  My victory against nature was glorious. I could not be stopped. Soon, I no longer needed to cover my face with my arm. I did my best to walk as I normally would— arms swinging by my side, even at that slower motion. My fists clenched and squirting errant rainwater from my palm, I beat forward and forward and forward some more.

  Finally, my fingers wrapped around the door knob of the clothes shop and the entrance nook killed all of the wind.

  The girls clapped for me, the camper parked about a meter away as Maria tapped her foot from the inside of the shop.

  “You actual drama queen,” she said with a groan. “It’s not even that windy right now!”

  I clapped to myself and took a bow. “Thank you, thank you, I appreciate all your kind words.” She grabbed me by my ear and dragged me inside.

  And how thankful I was to have a sore ear— the store was a toasty 80 degrees and playing smooth jazz like an asshole. None of the workers cared about the storm outdoors— one was another ASIMO that was gossiping to a black teen girl about something or another, while a different worker was this freckle-infested ginger stocking shelves all gingerly like a ginger.

  The floor was a nice laminated mahogany hardwood that made a beautiful sound with each footstep. It reminded me of the kind of store where my mother worked, and the many aisles of clothes and shoes reinforced that nostalgia.

  Maria said, “I’m not a very big clothing person, and we don’t have forever. Let’s find what we need and scram.”

  “You don’t need to tell me twice.” I scanned for the formal suits sections and immediately found what I was looking for as if it were set out specifically for me. Then again, it was floating in a prism of laser light with “$19,999!” listed right above it, so perhaps it was for me and I just needed to seize the opportunity. Best of all, it was all-white, just like my old stolen suit. I didn’t even need to make a big change! My personal brand was secure for the foreseeable future.

  "You already found what you're looking for? Great. I'll be taking this one, then." She grabbed another set of clothes glowing in laser light and began walking right out of the store.

  One of the clerks ran up to her and said in a southern Texas twang, "Uh, sweetheart, you need to pay for those!"

  "I said," she began as she shifted herself right into the woman's face, "I'll take it."

  Then she walked into the storm and back to the camper. The clerk jogged over to her desk and called for security. Rather than waste any of my own money, I decided to follow her lead and take off through the door. It certainly wouldn't hurt to save a few bucks! And besides, we weren't going to be staying at the ballroom for long; we just needed to get some information. If anything, getting the cops to crash the thing might have even been useful."

  Once I braved the elements a second time (though with much less journeying across thousands of miles of broken terrain), I got back onto the camper and tossed my lightly-wettened suit onto one of the couches and shouted, "Floor it!"

  Olga said something in German that I didn't catch and definitely didn't sound English, and the camper obeyed with a great squeal of the wheels and a thrust forward. I thought it was about to start fucking the road until we started passing through red lights and busting cars out of our way.

  I shook Olga and said, "What the fuck did you say to it?!"

  She shook her head and said, "You said to tell it to 'floor it', so that's what I said. You didn't sound like you wanted to—"

  "No, no! Obey the traffic laws!"

  But it was too late. Our wanted level had gone up. Before, it had jumped up considerably but hadn't reached a proper one-star level since the police wouldn't be able to immediately respond to the theft, but thanks to the millions in property damage we caused just on the last block, we were pushing a two. And if we got that high this soon, the police would be after us with gusto and there'd be no hope of sneaking into the concert hall or the meeting.

  Maria said, "Calm your dick, man. We've got an hour and a half before the meeting starts."

  She was technically right, but I didn't want to risk it. So I ran to the back of the camper and prepared to man the machine gun. Oh yeah, Olga finished tinkering with those weapons I found under the bed and built a machine gun in the back.

  I took aim and prepared to pop off as many cops as necessary so that we could find a hiding spot in peace and wait for the heat to fade. But to my astonishment, there were no squad cars in sight. I knew they were coming, but they must have been dealing with some other task. That was fine by me— whatever kept us away from the long dick of the law long enough to take our places.

  I shouted to Maria, "Get dressed! We're gonna head over to the Sistar Ballroom a little early!"

  "You get dressed! I'm already perfect!"

  She was definitely right this time. Maybe she did it automatically— an odd thing to say about an AI-controlled NPC— but she was completely spoofed up for her best possible night out on the town. The dress hugged her body like a husband and glittered in the light. Her hair was tufted behind her ears and swept. Her lips were painted night-black and the already fervent red of her skin seemed to glow like a fire. I was wont to say “Hot diggity dog!” but I kept it in. Instead, I got to work laying waste to all the pissant police officers chasing after us until we were able to ride out of the city and wait for our wanted level to decrease.

  I just watched Ana shlick for the rest of the time we waited. So that was fun. And we also talked about other curious events that had happened, particularly with the tornado.

  Ana said to me something rather interesting: “Dr. Shotgonavan
is a mysterious guy. I just thought about it— he wanted me to bring ‘El Sexorcisto!’ to him as soon as possible, especially if you said anything about amnesia.” As she twiddled some more, she mumbled, “I wonder if he was expecting you…”

  “When we’re finished with this,” I told her, “we’ll go check him out. But I wanna see this plotline through first, if you don’t mind.”

  What’s it gonna be then, eh? What’s it gonna be then, eh? What’s it gonna be then, eh? What’s it gonna be then, eh? What’s it gonna be then, eh? What’s it gonna be then, eh?

  We arrived with a group of other guests, and I chose to keep my distance from them so as to make sure none of them thought it wise to start a conversation with me. Maria understood precisely what I was doing and followed me away. Ana, Olga, and Tatiana agreed to stay back and be ready to act as back-up in case it went to shit. They’d be driving about the city, adoring the Art Deco architecture, while we went about on our jazzy death dance.

  We shared a quick glance and an entire conversation of our plan. It was all to make sure that we wouldn't screw anything up early, and it went off with both of us making a mental handshake on it.

  And within seconds, it went to shit.

  "Hi guys!" chirped Ana. She popped up from literally nowhere, and I felt my heart start to murmur from the sheer shock she gave me. "Oops, sorry about that. Yeah, I decided I wanna come to. Hope you don't mind."

  "You're naked!" I exploded.

  She looked down at her breasts, did a couple hops to make them and her thighs shake, and looked back at me to say, "Yeah, I know. Don't worry, I got a plan."

  Maria took a huge whiff of Ana and said, "You smell like a skunk. Where did you hide it?" Those black claws of hers dug deep into Ana’s thick ass cheeks. “In your ass? You doof! Stop putting drugs up there!”

  Ana pushed back and wheezed, "There was more hash in the dash. So I decided to see if I could break any personal records of mine, and oh boy did I!"