Love Is Usually Where You Left It

by Gary Locke

You’re happy to admit that? Out loud? To people?

  Wow!

  There really is no shame these days.

  As the shameless Paris Hilton lovers sat back down, Gayle couldn’t help but imagine her and Clive being next to stand up and introduce their baby to the group. Words began to spin around her head about what she may say if it was her turn to speak to the group about Jack. As they did, Clive’s mind focussed on something else; he couldn’t help but think about the actual day that Jack had been born.

  Chapter Thirty Two: Time, Love and Attention.

  It was probably the moment that Jack was placed into his arms.

  That was the moment that made everything real for Clive; that was the moment that the world changed forever. Before that all the things that were happening around him felt almost surreal. Things almost felt like they could even be events and images that he was watching on the TV or at the cinema. Even everything that happened immediately preceding that moment had an element of dreamlike wonder to them. Of course it’s not every day that you rush to the hospital and then watch your new wife give birth to your first child but, even so, Clive hadn’t imagined that everything would feel so fantastical to him.

  But at that moment; when Jack was passed to him so that Gayle could “take a minute” and be “patched up a little”, Clive awoke from his dream. He was intimately introducing himself to his son. And as he walked slowly around the delivery theatre, trying to soothingly talk and even sing to help his little man settle down, something very profound struck him. He realised that, in his hands, he was holding the most precious thing that he ever had, and ever would, in his entire life. He was joyous, excited, energized; almost high with life and yet felt so very, very terrified.

  He had no idea how to be a father. He’d not even had one single male figure in his life that may have come close to being what a real father was. But then again, maybe that was a good starting point. He maybe didn’t know what to do, but he had a pretty good idea about what not to do. He tried to clear any fear from his mind because he knew that his overwhelming emotion was pride. He felt so very lucky and blessed to be holding and talking and (successfully) soothing his baby that his pride overshadowed everything else. And as he soothed him, although Clive was pretty sure he couldn’t really focus on anything, Jack seemed to be contently looking at him. And he seemed to be smiling and happy.

  Clive remembered also looking across at Gayle and feeling so happy himself. There was his wife, the mother of his child, the love of his life; and together they were a family. Of course that lovely little moment didn’t last long as he unfortunately saw more of the doctor stitching Gayle’s “lady area” than he would have ideally liked. They had been told that she required “a couple of stitches” to bring things back together because “she hadn’t experienced anything of that size coming through before”; even though Clive was pretty sure, that something rather big had been in contact with that area before, thank you very much!

  Clive had been told by Shaun at work, in jest he hoped, to keep a close eye on what any midwifes and doctors were doing to Gayle after the birth. He had reasoned that his own wife had somehow been subjected to “extra” surgical procedures on the day she first gave birth. Most noticeably she’d received a personality transplant and a sense of humour bypass.

  Clive knew he needn’t worry about Gayle; she wouldn’t change. But keeping an eye on things “just to be sure” had subjected him to the sight that he wished he hadn’t seen. It was almost as if he’d watched one of those Animal Hospital programs and had just seen a vet repairing the damage that some cruel individual had caused by giving a particularly gruesome Chelsea smile to a catfish.

  Some things you just cannot un-see.

  Clive’s thoughts made him feel content again as he concentrated, instead, back on that moment of him walking around the theatre with Jack in his hands. Just the two of them as the rest of the world got on with whatever they were doing. He couldn’t remember exactly what he said, or sang; it was probably all nonsense – he was good at that – but he just remembered that feeling of thinking that Jack was happy.

  And, thankfully, that was something that had continued for the rest of his life. He has always been a happy person. Clive contented himself by accepting that he and Gayle had always maintained a happy and stable home for him to grow in, and it had helped to let him to develop as a cheery, jovial and delightful young man. They perhaps hadn’t been able to give him as many fancy gifts or holidays as some of his friends but Clive realised, as he grew into his role as a father, that it wasn’t about that. It wasn’t about giving things, it was about giving time. It was about giving time and love and attention. Money isn’t the most important currency in life; because money fades into insignificance compared to time, love and attention.

  Chapter Thirty Three: Baby Group Poker.

  Gayle was ready.

  She had organised her words and was all set to (imaginarily) speak them to the group.

  This is Jack. She began in her mind. Clive and I haven’t got anyone in the family named Jack, in fact there weren’t that many Jacks who were well known around the time he was born. There was Jack Straw but, no disrespect to him, he is hardly someone who has ever inspired you to name your baby after him, is he? There was Jack Dee and, although he’s a funny guy, is it only me who gets a bit bored with the same “grumpy old man” comedy routine all the time? Does he get bored of having to be grumpy? Has he acted being grumpy for so long that it has now become mixed up with his real self and this almost manically depressed humorous view of the world is now actually him?

  Gayle began to wrap up her imaginary introduction.

  Jack was a name that Clive and I had agreed upon because it was a good, sturdy, classic name. It seemed to instil a level of integrity, seriousness and almost timelessness – which was everything we wanted for him. Everyone knows a Jack and, more often than not, I bet they refer to him as “good old Jack”. Have you ever heard of a Jack who hasn’t been spoken about in such high regard? Well, I suppose there was Jack the Ripper! Damn it, I knew we should have gone for the name David. Suppose it’s too late now. But another thing we thought about with the name Jack was that it had never really gone out of popularity; it’s been a name that’s always been around. Some names come and go, in and out of fashion, but Jack seemed like it would be around forever.

  As Gayle continued her imaginary introduction of Jack to the group she couldn’t help but reach out and hold Clive’s hand. He jumped a little, surprised by her actions, but looked across at her, smiling back as she smiled at him. Both of them, now, couldn’t help but be taken completely back in time to when they, too, were in exactly the same position as the people sitting around this circle: a young couple who had recently left the hospital with a little person of their own to look after.

  There was no manual, no step-by-step guide about how to do anything, no “parenting for dummies” books. (The “…for dummies” books are ones that Clive finds himself seeking out more and more these days for some reason. Although that “pancakes for dummies” book unfortunately didn’t have a chapter talking you through how to best scrape pancake mixture off the ceiling.)

  And for Clive and Gayle there were no grandparents available to pop round and give assistance and advice etc. Sure, because of their situation and young age, they were given additional support from social services but that only equated to an extra hour visit from a health visitor every two to three days and, other than that, they were on their own.

  But it didn’t matter because they were on their own together. They were at the start of a brand new adventure, in their new house, with their new baby – a brand new family. There were feelings of excitement and possibility and, more than anything, feelings of love. So much love.

  As they smiled at each other those feelings were slowly coming back to both of them, almost like sunshine slowly peeking its head around one of the clouds after an obscene amount of time when there had been nothing but rain. (You know
– most of the time in England.) And it felt good.

  Gayle squeezed Clive’s hand gently as he continued to warmly smile at her. She looked around and allowed those memories and feelings of early parenthood to slowly glow inside her. It was such a special time.

  She also sniggered a little as she watched most of the people who were holding the babies right now, because they were handling them as if they were made of glass. Life feels much better after you’ve got your first few drops out of the way. You are absolutely mortified at first but, when you realise that babies do actually bounce (most of the time); you do feel better in the long run. Unless, Gayle recalled, one of those first drops was because someone had taken their eye off a baby on a bed because he was too busy watching tennis on TV!

  Clive watched as the last couple sat down, wondering why, all of a sudden, Gayle’s nice smile had now turned into an angry frown that was being aimed right at him. The way she had been gently holding his hand was also now feeling a little like having your hand slowly tightened in a vice. What was Gayle thinking about now? Fortunately, Clive’s attention was grabbed by group leader Zoe who had stepped forward to address the whole group. She beamed a big smile at Gayle and Clive as she noticed them holding hands.

  “Ok, everyone.” She began with that loud-haler voice. “Now we’ve been around the circle and introduced our babies to everyone – very well done to all of you – I’ve got a little introduction of my own to do. I bet you’re wondering who these extra people are here today? Well, I’m about to introduce you to a very special couple, who I feel very honoured to have here today.”

  Clive and Gayle looked at each other, mirroring looks of confusion.

  “First of all, though” continued Zoe. “This is Jeremy from the AP Panel, and he has brought us an extraordinary couple to meet – Gayle and Clive.”

  Clive’s mind began spluttering out questions right away. Why was Zoe referring to him and Gayle as special and extraordinary? Why was she honoured to meet them? And what was this “AP Panel” that Jeremy was part of? The Australian Pretenders Panel? The Absolutely Preposterous Panel? Or, God forbid, seeing as they were here watching and listening to people talk about babies, the Anonymous Paedophiles Panel? What the hell had they got into here?

  Zoe continued talking.

  “Gayle and Clive have just had their final interviews and been given clearance to begin the process. After years of hard work the Adoption Process Panel has approved them for adopting a baby. They are here today to, hopefully, get a feel for the things that are ahead of them and hopefully pick up a few tips. Come on; give them a round of applause.”

  As the group began clapping loudly Clive felt a sense of relief to learn that AP Panel stood for Adoption Process Panel as he was just contemplating whether the Anonymous Paedophiles Panel were a group well know to the police and whether he and Gayle had unwittingly joined their numbers.

  Gayle, on the other hand, couldn’t help but feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights. As she glanced at Clive she could tell that he hadn’t yet grasped the situation they were in, but she knew that those headlights she was staring at were going to continue speeding right towards them. As such, she shot a very disapproving look at Jeremy. He looked back at her with an almost apologetic look that said “sorry, but please play along”.

  “I’m so excited for you guys,” added Zoe when the clapping had died down. “I know how difficult it is going through the adoption process. Tell us all, how do you feel?”

  There it is, thought Gayle, sensing those headlights getting ever closer and waiting for the inevitable crush, fearing that she would never eat another carrot ever again.

  Oh no!

  Clive now realised what was happening. He quickly glanced over to his wife, who looked in no fit state to say anything and had strangely allowed her two front teeth to extend over her bottom lip..... very odd. He then looked over at Jeremy who was still displaying his “play along” face. Clive had to take control.

  “It’s been very, very hard” he began, repeating all the melodrama he had put into a school play he remembered when he’d had to perform a Shakespeare soliloquy.

  “.....and there were times; many, many times actually, when we didn’t think we were going to make it. But when we found out a few years ago; well many years ago; many, many years ago, that we wouldn’t be able to have children of our own, we were so desperate to become parents that we felt we had to do this. And it was those thoughts that kept us going through the many, many hard times during those many, many years.”

  Gayle and Jeremy stared at Clive in disbelief, not knowing what to make of his “performance” and completely unsure how Zoe and the rest of the group were going to react. There was certainly no sign of any feedback so far; everyone was just sitting there, staring.

  Had he got away with it? Or had he gone too far over the top? Many, many, many times over the top? I suppose that..... wait a minute, he wasn’t finished.

  “And it was also the thoughts that we may be able to give a little baby a loving home, when he or she maybe otherwise wouldn’t have that, that also was a real incentive for us. We’ve got so much love to give..... and we’ve now got the opportunity to give that to a little baby who’ll need us.”

  There were some “oohs” and “ahhs” from the circle and a couple of people were visibly wiping tears from their eyes (including long-haired Jim, who a couple of minutes ago was boasting about where he and Steph had been shagging – unbelievable) and a fairly healthy ripple of applause. Jeremy nodded a very approving nod at Clive while Gayle looked around to see if there was a bucket nearby – it was very likely she may just have to throw up.

  “That’s beautiful!” said Zoe, her own eyes also looking a little moist. “Are you getting a girl or a boy?”

  Gayle decided to take over this time, hopefully stopping Clive starting on another vomit inducing, waffling speech. Unfortunately Clive was still in the “zone” and they both spoke at the same time.

  Clive: “Girl”

  Gayle: “Boy”

  Oh no!

  Gayle stared at Clive trying to pass some words through her eyes and into his thick skull.

  We had Jack. Jack is a BOY!

  Clive understood what she meant and realised he should really have said boy himself but, with all the emotion he had stirred up inside himself during his speech, felt like, for this particular moment and this particular charade, it would be quite nice to pretend they were getting a girl. He couldn’t really articulate all of that in one look so instead just scowled back at Gayle.

  Zoe stepped towards them slightly, a look of suspicion clearly growing on her face.

  “I used to work for the Adoption Panel” she began somewhat methodically, “Each new parent is pre-approved for either a girl or a boy. So which one is it?”

  They both stood there frozen.

  Gayle realised that the car that had hit them before was now reversing over them to make sure they were definitely roadkill. They were probably driving a pick up truck, had a shovel in the back to scoop them up with, and would be taking them home to eat for dinner.

  Clive felt like they were robbers caught inside the church “vault”. They had been stuffing extra wads of cash down their trousers because their bags were already full when the cops had turned the lights on and were now surrounding them, pointing guns their way and shouting things like: “On the floor”, “hands where we can see them” and “you’ll get it bad in prison, pretty boy”. (It’s strange which people think of themselves as “pretty boys” who will be targeted by the frustrated homosexuals / by-sexuals / just-want-sex-uals in prison.)

  It was over. They were either squashed and dead on the floor or busted and caught red handed.

  Jeremy could see they had given up the fight and so stepped in.

  “It’s a unique situation. They’ve actually been pre-approved for both.” He said rather coolly. “We’re just waiting now to see what becomes available …. Sorry, who becomes available, I
mean who.”

  Zoe wasn’t buying it.

  “They’ve even been pre-approved for twins” Jeremy added, maybe hoping a bit more bullshit may just persuade Zoe, “.....And triplets. But not quads though. There’s a whole extra level of criteria for parents who are suitable for looking after four babies.”

  “That’s unusual” said Zoe, after a couple of seconds of allowing Jeremy’s lies to echo around the room. She certainly didn’t look as impressed as he did by the fact that he knew that quads meant four babies. “That never happened while I was working there!”

  “You didn’t mention earlier that you used to work for us.” said Jeremy, somehow not losing any of the cool that he displayed when he first entered this exchange.

  They both stared at one another for a couple of seconds as if they were deeply involved in a high-stakes game of poker. By the looks on both their faces it was hard to know which one of them was holding a royal flush and which one was bluffing. Well, obviously it wasn’t difficult for Gayle and Clive who both knew the truth – that Jeremy was standing there holding nothing more than a pair of twos. (The way Gayle and Clive were both feeling, it was possible that they could easily produce a “pair of twos” of their own.)

  Jeremy raised her.

  “The rules on approval have been amended recently. For the right, outstanding candidates, the options are left as open as possible.”

  Zoe scratched her ear before calling him.

  “That’s odd. My sister and cousin still work for the panel and they have not mentioned to me that the criteria has changed in any way.”

  What did Zoe scratching her ear mean? It was obviously a tell sign, but did it mean she was bluffing too, or was she now just moving in for the kill?

  Gayle could feel her cheeks reddening.

  Clive could feel his arse twitching.

  Zoe decided to raise – she was going all in.

  “Could you tell me who your boss is at the Adoption Process Panel..... and I best take a look at that i.d. again, please!”